What Bipolar Disorder is :
Self-loathing - It’s “ YOU FUCKING PIECE OF SHIT , WHY ARE YOU ALIVE, WHY WERE YOU BORN TO FUCK UP EVERYTHING, THAT’S FUCKING RIGHT YOU GOD DAMN SHITSTAIN. WHY DO YOU EVEN DRAW , YOU PIECE OF SHIT JUST SIT THERE AND DON’T DO SHIT, ALL YOU ARE IS A BURDEN TO EVERYONE. JUST SIT THERE AND CRY . SIT THERE AND FUCK MORE SHIT UP. THAT’S ALL YOU ARE.”
Depression - “ I haven’t showered in month nor do i give a shit too, i’m worthless. I’m a burden and shouldn’t eat food cause i don’t deserve it. What day is it ? Doesn’t matter I don’t care . When is death coming. I can’t do this. I can’t sleep , I want to sleep all the time. I’m in so much pain, my body is killing me, please stop. I want to die. I can’t do this, please someone help me, but don’t I don’t want to burden you. Crying , crying , crying , happy face in front of everyone so you don’t burden them.. more crying . (In this state drug and alcohol use can occur to numb the feelings that depression can cause.)
Anxiety - No you can’t go outside you fucking idiot. You aren’t worth looking at, did you take that pill , well fuck that man , your gonna die. Let’s stay up all night contemplating what the world will be like without us. Did you hear that ? I heard it , let’s think about all the bad shit that can happen.
Insomnia - You want to sleep, nah you can’t . Even when your riddled in pain and self- loathing the sleep won’t come. It’s time to abuse that ambien , it’s time to take that drug you were avoiding. The sleep you get is a mere hour to the hours you spend awake wondering when the sleep with come. Your body, your mind, your appearance are suffering, but that’s okay cause you deserve all of this.
Grandiose - I CAN FUCKING DO ANYTHING .. LET ME TALK TO YOU ABOUT THE SHIT IMMA DO , HOLY SHIT IMMA DO THIS AND THAT AND THAT AND THIS .. YOU AWAKE I KNOW IT’S 3 AM , BUT LET ME TELL YOU ABOUT ALL THIS SHIT .
Energy / Euphoria: I’MMA CLEAN THIS WHOLE FUCKING HOUSE , CLEAN IT , THEN DRAW SOMETHING , NOT TWO THINGS , NO THREE THINGS. FUCK IT IMMA RUND . YOU A STRANGER ? FUCK MAN LET ME TELL YOU ABOUT THE DAY I HAD .
Irritablitiy- You know Fuck off, I will fucking kill you here. I hate everyone, I hate you and myself. I’d kill myself , but I rather live to irritate your fucking ass. STFU , JUST STFU YOU ARE SHIT . * someone tries to talk to you * WELL FUCKITY FUCK LET ME TELL YOU HOW YOUR A PIECE OF SHIT AND DESERVE TO DIE !
Insomnia/ with Euphoria: I’MMA BE UP AND DO SHIT LOTS AND LOTS OF SHIT . LET ME TELL YOU ABOUT IT. I KNOW YOUR ASLEEP, I DON’T GIVE A SHIT. IMMA WALK AROUND, DRIVE . ( in this state one is more susceptible to drug use.) THIS DRUG IS AMAZING I WANT MORE, I WANT TO DO MORE. LET’S DO SOME SHIT . I DON’T WANNA SLEEP, IT GET’S IN MY WAY FUCK THAT SHIT.
Neutral ( the only time everything feels right)
Realization: I did a lot of thing, I said a lot of things , I avoided you and them i’m so sorry . I’ll do better, I’ll be better. I’m sorry . I promise i’ll make up for the me I was.
Functioning : I can work now i’m fine. Things aren’t great, but i’m dealing. It’s okay, i’ll be fine. Everything will be okay. I feel normal .
Then the cycle repeats …………... This is why medication and counseling are important to control the cycle. Slow it down, you will always be sick, but you can manage. Please seek help if you are off your meds. There’s a reason we were given them.
For those like my dad the depression can get so bad that he forgets who he is , what he can do. I’ve seen it get so bad that he forgets how to use a phone, go to the bathroom. Then i’ve seen his mania.. it’s the scariest a person can get. I’ve seen what Bipolar Disorder untreated for years can do . My father doesn’t have long in this world . His illness has sparked another Dementia. He is losing weight, losing days, losing hope. I see him and I see my future . I won’t be that way , I swore this to myself, but i’ve done things that will lead me to that path. I’m scared of the future, but i’m more optimistic.
This illness shouldn’t be romanticized , it shouldn’t be treated like some sort of badge of honor. Those of us who suffer fight a war every day. Till the day we die our mind is both our enemy and our friend. The drugs are with us for life, the depression, the mania , the norms stay with us like a spinning ride . For each of us how we choose to go on this ride will lead us to greatness or a great downfall. Don’t , i mean please don’t say you are Bipolar when you don’t know. Don’t say phrases like “ I’m so bipolar I can’t decide shit.” You have no idea what it’s like to actually have mood swings , to have your family afraid of you cause they don’t know the you they will see that day. Don’t talk about an illness unless you are aware and have insight. Become educated, become a helper, not an enabler . Don’t romanticize , educate.
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