hello mr transmasculinity its š¦ anon from cads blog. ur domming is always rly rly hot and very inspiring but i was wondering if u have any tips for a first time dom (for. a friend. duh) š
Hi š¦ anon! Nice to get an ask from you (and sorry it took a while to get to it). Thank you! I'm glad you find it hot. That's an interesting question, I have a lot of things I could say, so you get a long answer
I think the first thing is figuring out what you want out of it. Do you enjoy feeling powerful? Do you like the idea of having someone be obedient, or flustered and needy, etc? What would you like giving and/or receiving while domming? How would you like to speak to someone, would you like to be sweet, calm, firm, riled up, stoic, etc. Things like this are important for figuring out what kind of domming you want to do, because you want to know you could enjoy it in the first place. I would maybe recommend looking at what's listed on bdsmtest.org, doesn't necessarily matter what your exact scores are, but to consider the general ideas for what you could enjoy.
I think then, when you are domming someone in particular it's helpful to know what they're into. Obviously their specific kinks, but also how do they like being spoken to? Being praised, degraded? Condescension, faux sympathy? You could get them to give you examples of what they find flusters them or makes them aroused (and as a bonus, telling you what they like will probably make them feel that way too). All of the same stuff that I suggested you ask yourself, what kind of things would they like you to do with/to them? How do you feel about the things they like? Petnames are also important a lot of the time, what do they want to be called? Sweetheart, baby, fag, whore, etc. And general descriptive words, how do they like being described? Pretty, cute, slutty, pathetic, desperate? Do both of you like the idea of possessive language?
And of course, consent and communication. Safewords aren't Inherently required, if you aren't playing with in-scene protests at all then "no" can suffice, but a lot of the time they're needed. I personally like the traffic lights. You can talk ahead of time about what check ins are necessary, obviously the sub should safeword if they need, but it can be a good idea to check in. Just a quick "Colour? / What's your colour?" to make sure they're green is never a bad idea. Yellow is very useful as a "hang on, pause" to tell your scene partner that you want to adjust something in a scene. Even if it is literally just "hang on, I don't like that word" "hang, on, this position is uncomfortable". It's a quick and easy way to let them know that this is out of kink.
All of this safeword stuff applies to you too. As a dom you have control, but that doesn't mean you aren't allowed be uncomfortable. Especially as a first time dom, you might decide you actually aren't into specific kinks or things your sub is saying or domming them as a whole. That is okay! This isn't just for distress either, even if you're just not that into it, don't do things just because your sub wants it, only do things if you are actively enjoying yourself.
Maybe decide ahead of time how long something will go on for. And when it ends, make sure you both have time to relax, get comfortable and hang out or chat, mostly about non sexual things, while you both calm down after it. Obviously if it's pretty mild it might not take much aftercare, and if it's more intense it could be longer. Drinking water and getting a snack is always a good idea. A talk about how the scene went is good, but an in depth conversation can be later. "How was that? How are you feeling?" is fine, but chances are neither of you will be in the mood for a full discussion. In the case that one of you calls red, that doesn't necessarily mean you Did something wrong, but it definitely does warrant a lot of care and a later conversation about what went wrong, if anything needs to change or stop in the dynamic. I guess all of this stuff will be familiar with you, but I reckon it's a bit different domming than what it could be for a sub, since you have a bit of responsibility (so does the sub, but it is possible that they will not be in a position to easily look after themselves during or after a scene)
That is what I've got for now, hope some of that can be of help. I wasn't very in depth on how to dom in itself, so if you're looking for further recommendations on the actual sexual aspects of domming, don't hesitate to send me further questions on anything more that you're not sure about!
