24 May 2015
Alors…
Here I am, 5 months later, waiting for my flight at Charles de Gaulle. I’m sure that once I’m back in the U.S., I will be asked to describe my experience by at least a handful of people. Words I could use?
Thrilling. Scary. Wonderful. Eye-opening. Challenging. Exciting. New. Frustrating. Life-changing.
There is no one word to describe the nights of drunken laughter, tears of bitter frustration, long days drenched in homesickness, new and exciting travels, and general state of awe that comes from living in Paris. There is no word to accurately describe how sad I am to be leaving Paris but also how unbelievably ready I am to be back home. How do I explain that Paris broke me a little bit, broke me down into someone I sometimes didn’t recognize - someone who needed others for emotional support, someone who couldn’t go two days without calling her mom, someone who wanted so badly to book a return flight home before the semester was even over. Paris stripped what sense of confidence I had previously had, laughed at how “strong” I had believed myself to be, then shrugged and said, “You’re a big girl. You can figure it out” before leaving me to wallow in my own self-pity.
And it took me a damn long time to realize that I needed to stop blaming Paris, or France, or other cultures for my emotional instability and fears. I honestly don’t think I even realized it until right now, as I write this.
In a previous post a little while ago, I talked about the anxiety and insecurity that no one seems to talk about before going abroad. And while that is still very much relevant and should be discussed to a greater length, I now also realize that fellow (newbie) travelers should also be ready to take that emotional “trauma” and mold it into something positive: if you can do this, you can do a lot.
I did a huge thing this semester. Every time someone goes abroad, she does a huge thing. She is voluntarily removing herself from her comfort zone and plopping herself in a new culture, new subway system, new language, and new (and larger) set of worries. I said goodbye to my closest friends (the ones I am never further than a T ride away from), my family (Skyping with a 6 hour time difference can be challenging), and my beautiful life in Boston for five months. I found myself in a city where they speak French very quickly, the concept of customer service does not exist, and one must watch diligently over his belongings at all times unless he’s had a life-long dream of getting pickpocketed. I did a huge thing, and I need to remember that when I’m being hard on myself for not handling the stress better.
That being said, I believe (and desperately hope) that this first abroad experience must be the toughest. First time away from the U.S. for five months? And in a city like Paris? Not exactly a piece of gateau. Moving forward, I now have the experiences and tools that I’ve deemed necessary to travel again in the future:
·    I have assimilated to an entirely new culture (because drinking wine and munching on a baguette and cheese by the Seine is a lot harder than it looks)
·    I exposed my ears and tongue to more French than I would have ever gotten in a classroom
·    I grocery shopped (semi)regularly and learned to cook better for myself
·    I flew to new and foreign countries by myself
·    I survived several falls in the metro and have one nice scar to prove it
·    I made new friends from all corners of the world
·    I survived the most boring French Literature class on the face of this planet
·    And really, the most important of all, is that I got up every day (even on the really hard days) to venture out into a city where I know no one and no one knows me, where I don’t quite always understand what everyone’s saying, where it’s a lot more difficult for me to insult someone back (French slang, man, it’s weird), and where I was forced to adapt to a new and sometimes disagreeable culture.
For anyone who went abroad, is abroad, or will go abroad, it is a huge thing. Pat yourself on the back a little and remember that if you can do this, you can do a hell of a lot of things. Don’t forget to live in the moment (still working on that one), soak up every little bit (even the frustrating times), and know that every valley and every peak is making you into a stronger, more global human being. So yea, go ahead and treat yourself to that 8 euro bottle of wine - you deserve it.