god what's confusing is i think the reason i've been backsliding so hard into depression this time is because all the old structures i used to have to keep things from getting this bad, i had abandoned because they were burning me out -- the exercise, the extremely structured daily schedules, all the daily tracking and planning. but originally i did use those structures as a way to force myself to do things, to combat my depression. but i fear that my depression really stems from a deeper issue,
which is my need to control things. i ruminate because a part of me believes that if i think about something over and over again, eventually i'll get an insight and fix everything. i over-schedule and police myself because i believe i can be "fixed" if i control my every move and behavior. i get too enmeshed with social things around the house because i believe that i am uniquely positioned and able to keep things harmonious and happy in the house.
the truth is that i don't have much control over many things. and much of my misery stems from that. it's very meta; i'm miserable because i can't control whether i'm miserable or not.
this is also why i find some peace every time i hit rock bottom, because i'll lose control over some/most of my life because i completely lack the energy to even try, and then i'll see that the world doesn't end just because i'm not constantly vigilant for danger at every moment. unfortunately, rock bottom doesn't mean that the old habits and instincts aren't still there, nor that what used to hurt me so much will stop hurting me. when the old pain returns, i'll still reach for my old solutions, which is what led me to crashing and burning in the first place. i don't really know how to stop doing this.
also i think i might have OCD
