Lab Grown Steaks

[labgrownsteaks]

Lab Grown Steaks is a novel about a group of psychonaut teens who engage in spiritual warfare against the most powerful tech company in the world. It takes place in a speculative universe in the past (1997) that has many technological advancements that surpass our own today.

Each post here is a chapter, you can read it all right here!

[labgrownsteaks]

Chapter 1

I locked the door of the video store at 10:15 that night. A new record. We closed at ten and I started counting the till around 9:45. It’s 1996. I had only been given the keys a few times, and looking back, I can’t believe anyone had ever let me be in charge of an entire video rental store at the age. We didn’t just rent films either. We had a bunch of hippy shit, bags that were made to look like they were made in India but were probably made in Bangladesh. We also were the only head shop in the state at the time. And our head shop consisted of around 12 pipes, some rolling papers, and screens.  Now it strikes me as odd that they even let me see “tobacco related goods” before I was 18. Probably not legal, but whatever, nobody cared in Chisuwick anyway.  The cops were too busy scarfing down pancakes at Denny’s to care about much of what happened in this town. Which was basically nothing. Chisuwick was named after a section of London, which was actually called Chiswick, we just added a U in there for some unknown reason.  The  18th-century English artist William Hogarth had lived there. It’s still a really nice and affluent place to live. I used to think about going there, but now I figure they’d probably just make fun of me. I had to get out of this town. I knew it, everybody knew it. I didn’t belong here. I fumbled for my car alarm transponder in my jacket pocket. It was fall, and the first pangs of winter were beginning to set in. “Viper Disarm” the woman’s voice said I was walked up to my ‘66 mustang. I still couldn’t believe I had this car. I had always wanted a Mustang, ever since I was little I used to buy the Mustang Monthly magazine at the drug store as my buddy Jason would stuff packs of Garbage Pail Kids into his pockets.  I never stole anything. Maybe that’s why they trusted me to close up shop at just 17 years old. I was actually pretty good with the money, and fine with getting the movies back on the shelves, I did however smoke copious amounts of weed in the back room every time the place cleared out for more than ten minutes. 

I plopped down into the seat of my car, and she started up with no problem. This car was special. I had wanted to buy a broken down mustang behind the Dairy Queen. Some foot doctor let it just sit there for years. I even went up to the front door , and asked the secretary there about it, and she told me to wait a bit. Which I did. When he came out he looked like what a good looking foot doctor would look like. Too confident and kind of dismissive. He told me I could have it for a thousand bucks, and I got super excited. But he said it had “problems”. My grandpa was a mechanic in WWII and could fix anything. I’m sure he could fix these problems. So I got him to come along on a test drive the next day. Before even getting into the car my grandpa jokingly asked the Dr with the perfect hair about why there was a box full of oil in the backseat. The Dr admitted it leaked like a seive. During our testdrive we discovered it drove like it was full of holes too. “This isn’t the car for you” my grandpa said, unknowningly crushing my dreams of fixing up the car over the summer and driving past the pool with it to impress Cari who was a lifeguard there. So, a few days pass, and I see a maroon Mustang in the mall parking lot with a For Sale sign in it. I was riding with my dad when i saw it, and he said “Hey, there’s a Mustang!” and I shrugged it off, knowing that it was restored also meant that there was no chance I could ever afford it. We drove back home. The next day, the car was sitting in the driveway. He bought it. God knows we didn’t have the money, probably more the result of being a terrible money manager and giving into an impulse buy, my dad just bought it for me. I know now, if I’m in the position to ever buy my kid a Mustang I need to just do it. 

God I love this car. I popped a CD into the green mouth of the Alpine deck I had installed myself. That was my other thing. I could install car stereos. Everyone knew I had a god given talent for car stereo installation, and I’d spend hours just making boxes to fit into any assortment of cars. I took out the back seat of my best friend’s 70 Chevelle and put 4 15 inch subs in their place. It was ridiculous. Which was great. I popped my dugout out of my pocket and took a hit off the pipe. It was made to look like a cigarette. Things were ok. The sounds of the Chestnut Street Orchestra exploded throughout the interior of the car. I popped her into gear and made my way back home. I was living in a garage behind my parents place. During a major blizzard my friend Spencer and I renovated it, and put in all new drywall. I had painted all over the walls, and installed a wood burning stove in the corner.  It was finally getting cold enough to fire it up when I got home, and I looked forward to that. 

When I arrived back at my place I could see I left the christmas lights on, and this gave the place a nice relaxing glow.  It’s kind of funny how everyone seems to have a “Christmas lights in the house” phase. I think it probably coincides with when people start smoking weed for some reason. Upon entering a plopped my keys down on a piece of plywood on sawhorses which I used as a table, and turned on the blacklight in the corner. This illuminated the whole room. I had taken liquid laundry detergent and splashed it all over the room. This glows blueviolet under blacklight. My big fat Oranda goldfish named Doak swam to the glass and greeted me as I plopped down on the futon. I stared at the food printer in the corner, I had got it for Christmas last year but had only used it a handful of times. “Siri, show me some lab grown steak recipes” I piped up. A blue egg perched on top of a broken down garage heater began to emanate violet light. Siri responded “How are you this evening Bjorn?” “I..I’m fine Siri.” I continued “Can you please show me some Lab Grown Steak recipes?” “Lab Grown Steak recipes for your Texas Instruments CZ101 Food Printer has returned 1,103 results. May I ask what type of steak you’d like?” “Medium?” I responded, kind of uncertain if that was even the right answer. The three little dots tried to catch each other on the side of the egg which indicated that Siri was thinking. Siri continued, in a very formal tone “For Medium Steak please input Recipe 001902a” “ummmm, ok, can you just like...do it for me?” I asked. “You would like me to prepare your Texas Instruments CZ101 Food Printer with Recipe 001902a?” “Yes please” I responded as I closed my eyes. The food printer came to life and did some maintenance checks before the hum began. The hum was just the sound of the printing process. I had fallen asleep countless times to it, because it’s just so relaxing. “Ommmmmmmmm” I said to myself as the meat was printing. It had started to smell good. My eyes were still closed and I was fantasizing of moving to Hawaii to work on music. Maybe I should start playing the ukulele. Couldn’t hurt. “Recipe 001902a complete. Bon Apetit!” Siri stated in a perfect French accent. “Thanks Siri” I stated as I wandered over to the machine. I lifted up the transparent window at the front of the stainless steel plate and gripped my hand on the warm plate before pulling out a beautiful lab grown steak. Medium.  I sat down at the table, and was about to sink my teeth in when I heard a knock at the door. Ugh. That was probably Cujo. There were tons of Dribbles around here, always came out at night begging for food.  I had befriend one especially furry and cuddly one I named Cujo just because they were so nice. If you’re unfamiliar with Dribbles, imagine a giant hamster mixed with a tangled ball of electrical cables. I cracked the door, and sure enough Cujo was there. “Come on in buddy” I said to them. Dribbles were all clones, but still had their own personalities. Some kid was playing around on Crispr and made them. They weren’t male or female, he just made one, and then they figured out how to somehow burrow into his machine and reproduce themselves. There were tons of them in Chisuwick. The kid who created them was probably from there or nearby. I let Cujo sit on my lap and his black eyes stared at the Lab Grown Steak sitting neatly on the plate. He was really good, never really whimpered or begged for food. His eyes did all the talking. I ate a couple pieces before giving him one. Once it was in his mouth he hopped down and ate it on the floor. “Srri put on  Busta Rhymes ‎- Woo-Hah!! please” An old Pioneer receiver from the 70s lit up with a blue light illuminating the radio band. My uncle had bought it when he got rich selling cocaine. He got his pilot’s license and claimed to have made a business selling little trinkets from Colombia, but really. He just smuggled coke in little statues made by the locals there. 

Busta’s voice bounced around the room and I began to sing along with him. Chewing bites of my steak and nodding my head. 

Busta Rhymez, up in the place true indeed Yes, I catch wreck and that's word on my seed I guarantee to give you what you need One blood everybody like Junior Reid

[labgrownsteaks]

Chapter 2

The sun shined onto Cujo’s “fur” which was made of electical wires and hamster fluff. My eyes cracked open. Siri immediately noticed “Good morning sir!” (she now had a posh english accent) , “can I make you something for breakfast?” “Nah, I’m good” I said as I wandered to the bathroom which consisted of only a toilet and a shower head. The toilet was outfitted with a nutrient reader, which could read specifically what nutrients I was missing from my pee. After I zipped up I walked back into the big room. Siri continued “I’m noticing a vitamin D deficiency. Would you like to take care of this?” “Sure” I said as I poured some coffee into a filter. I had two of those electric burners that plugged into the wall, and I put a teapot on one to boil some water. I heard the food printer start up. “Siri, are you making something?” I asked kind of annoyed. “I’m preparing your vitamin for the day” she answered, continuing with the posh English accent. Ugh, it’s annoying how British say vitamin with a soft “i”. “Hey Siri, can you stop with the English accent please?” “No worries mate! You goin out in the bush today are ya?” Siri jokingly stated in an Australian accent. I didn’t even know what going out in the bush meant, there was no bush anywhere in the whole state of Borgognee. We were smack in the middle of a continental climate which meant we got hot summers and freezing winters.  When the first settlers came they started planting some trees after the dust bowl, but when this was God’s country it was nothing but rolling plains and Buffalo. Come to think of it, I did want to go for a walk that day. “Hey siri, can you show me some places to go on a walk?” The wall suddenly turned into a display and all of the scrawling paintings on the wall vanished. Siri didn’t say anything, there was simply a list of different walking options, I could scroll through them by just moving my eyes.  “Would you like some food for your trip. Perhaps a picnic?” Siri stated, now in an American accent. I thought to myself, what I really wanted was some mushrooms, that would be great. I had the whole day free. I muttered to myself sarcastically “yeah, make me some magic mushrooms” . To my surprise Siri answered “No problem sir, what variety do you prefer”. I thought in my head she probably didn’t know what magic mushrooms were, but kept up the game “Ummmm. Psilocybin?” “Psilocybe Cubensis” Siri asked. My eyes grew wide, I thought Siri better not be playing a joke on me. “Yes?!” I stated quizically even though I wanted to sound serious. 

The food printer did its routine maintenance buzzing and fired into action. I kept my face an inch from the glass as I watched the printer slowly build a a beautiful huge mushroom. A blue white stalk appeared first, and then perched atop that was a lovely orange colored cap. “Praise the lord” I said, even though that wasn’t something I ever said. I popped open the window and took the giant mushroom into my hand, still warm from the printer. Cujo nestled up to my leg and looked up at me with their dumb big mouth open. “Well, buddy, you want to go for a walk today?” I said to Cujo. I thought that I should write Erin. She was my best friend. And no, there was nothing between us ever. Everyone thought there was, but we’ve always just been friends. 

I hopped into my Mustang and drove over to Erin’s place. She was 3 years older than me, and lived in a beat up apartment building in the middle of an alleyway. It didn’t even make sense that an apartment would be located there. It was only a few blocks from my place. I stopped at a 711 and got some chips, granola bars, and blue Powerade. The mushroom was wrapped in a newspaper in my backpack in the back seat. I couldn’t wait to show Erin.  I pulled up to her window, which was located on the bottom floor. You could drive right up to it. I revved the engine, and she stuck her hand out and flipped me off. In a few minutes she was outside. Her hair was pinned up and the purple was washed out of it. She was wearing a hoodie and jeans and gave me a look like she wanted to kill me as she walked towards the car. 

“Chips! Yay! I’m so hungry!” she said as she sat down. 

“Chomp em up!” I replied, putting the car into gear. 

We drove down River Road towards Stromovka, which was a huge nature reserve about 20 miles outside of town. Erin was stuffing her face with chips and washing it down with blue Powerade. I told her to grab my bag out of the backseat and take a look inside. She did, and unwrapped the huge mushroom. 

“What the fuck!” She said with excitement.

“My fucking printer, printed that! Siri just asked if I wanted something for a picnic, and I told her magic mushrooms! And then my TI CZ101 just spit it out!”

“What THE FUCK!” she exclaimed once again, her eyes lighting up.

“I know, it’s dope isn’t it?”

“You’ve got to make more!”

“Slow down there captain. Lets take it one day at a time. But for sure, I’m gonna  be set!” 

Erin was on her phone typing something in. 

“Hey, don’t invite anyone else, I don’t want any weird people around if we’re tripping”

“I’m not writing anyone you weirdo. What’s the model of your food printer again?”

“Texas Instruments CZ101″ 

Erin stared into her phone and kind of scrunched her face up before a smile lit it up. 

“Bruh, these were fucking recalled! They’ll print anything! You can’t even buy them on Ebay any more, but when you could they were selling for as much as $320,000!”

[labgrownsteaks]

Chapter 3

My initial reaction was to sell it. If I could fetch 320 grand that would significantly change my life. On the other hand, considering I could print anything I wanted, I could make far more than 320k. I had to focus on the road because I was so excited. Erin was screaming and dancing and saying something, but I could barely hear any of it. I could print anything in the world. 

“How could you not know you had a CZ101?!” Erin exclaimed. 

“I don’t know. I used it last night to make a lab grown steak and then this morning Siri asked me if I wanted anything for the picnic”

“Wait, why did Siri ask you if you wanted anything? Since when does Siri give advice?!”

I was a bit baffled by this question. Siri always gave me advice. I literally thought that was what Siri did

I hesitated, and then asked. “Doesn’t Siri always do that?”

“lawl no! Siri’s not Hal! She basically just googles questions and figures out the best answer”

“Erin. Does your Siri ever joke around?”

Erin laughed. “What do you mean? Joke around? I’m sure if you ask her to tell a joke she’ll tell one”

“Does your Siri ever change her accent?”

“What are you talking about? No. You can change it manually in settings though.”

“Ha! Gotcha!”

“You bitch!” Erin shrieked while smiling. 

She hit me a few times in the arm, right before our turn to Burnt Dock boat landing. It’s where we’d have to park the car. The idea that my Siri was different kind of bugged me, but my mom was always buying me the knockoff versions of things. Who knows if I even had a real Siri. I remember Christmas in 1989 when I was super excited to get a pair of Reebok Pumps but they turned out to be Reeback Pomps. I took a sharpie and blacked out the center of the  “a” so it looked more like an O, and then used White Out to finish the job. 

I pulled the Mustang onto a gravel road. Erin had taken the beautiful mushroom out of my backpack and unwrapped it on her lap. 

“Oh I don’t want to break you. I know you are so beautiful” she said to it, speaking as if it were a baby kitten. 

“Hey, keep it down. God knows these fishermen aren’t too keen on a couple hippies eating shrooms and wandering around the banks”

I turned the car, and in the next moment I looked over to see Erin stuffing a substantial chunk into her mouth. 

“Damn, slow down! That’s like 6 grams there!

Mouth full, she said  “probbubly 6 gwams et”

“What?”

She completed chewing and swallowed. 

“Probably 6 grams wet. It isn’t dried, so you have to eat more than you normally would”

With that she snapped the stem and handed me a piece. I grabbed it and ate it like a normal human. The distinct taste of burnt popcorn and pumpkin seeds filled my mouth. I washed it down with some blue Powerade. I was picking some bits out of my mouth when Erin lifted up a chunk of the orange cap and said “Let’s make a toast” I took a bit into my hand as well, smiling and looking her in the eyes. “To.......” we both sat and stared at each other for a bit. “To....Biodiversity” I responded ‘lawl ok, to Biodiversity” and we clinked our mushroom caps together and then scarfed them down. The sun was shining beautifully through the leaves, and they were already like water ripples at dawn. Erin hopped out of the car as I through all the food and stuff into my backpack. I pushed my alarm button and a voice stated “Viper Armed” . Erin laughed “VIPER ARMED! “ making fun of my totally badass car alarm. She was kind of skipping towards a trail that lead into a thick grove of Cottonwood trees. I had to jog a bit to catch up with her. There wasn’t a lot of really foresty areas in Chisuwick, so when we finally entered the grove it felt like we were in a different world. The sound was immediately just quieter. There were some red winged black birds fluttering about and squawking. We both walked in relative silence just looking and waiting for the mushroom to kick in. It was always good to trip with someone else because you’d come up at the same time generally. Erin walked up to a cliff which looked out at the river. “Look, a beaver!” she yelled. “Ummm, that’s a duck” I replied. Seeing the mallard duck’s distinctive green head even from a distance. “Maybe it’s a beaver in a duck costume!” Erin said as she began to giggle. “What benefit would a beaver have for dressing up like a duck?” I stated, trying to bring some much needed logic into the conversation. Erin looked at me seriously, then started laughing. And then I started laughing too, and every time we looked at each other the other would start giggling again. The duck was up by the shore now, probably thought we had some food or something. “I love you duck!” Erin yelled. The duck was unmoved, staring at us. I just sat for a bit “God, I fucking love nature! Nature must be a woman because she looks sooooo good!” she continued on. Erin was always a bit more extroverted when she tripped, I was the opposite. I got caught up in all my thoughts. I thought about the beaver in a duck costume and smiled a bit and Erin kept on babbling about something. I was staring at the reflections on the water and could tell that I was definitely feeling the effects at this point. Visually everything was turning into large blobs which were intersecting with one another and making up these blobby impressionist paintings. Erin was picking flowers and putting them into her hair. They weren’t arranged neatly. Her head looked more like a flowerpot than her wearing a crown of flowers. I looked back at the blobs of light on the water slowly vibrating and intersecting with one another. Then back at Erin, now the flowers were in a perfect crown on her head, and they were getting more and more vibrant. I couldn’t help the words coming out of my mouth, and I blurted out. 

“Jesus, you’re fucking beautiful”

Erin looked back and smiled and stated “You’re in the spirit world” a nod to the scene on Young Guns where they all take peyote and Lou Diamond Phillips says the same to Emilio Estevez. It was unironically our favorite film and we had watched it together countless times. Somehow the area where we were sitting felt more like a clearing now. It was opened up, and more expansive.

“How’d we get here?” I stated, kind of freaked out that I had lost time or something. 

“We walked” Erin said plainly. 

I could feel my breathing get a little strained, and I took a couple deep breaths and recentered myself. 

“Doesn’t it feel more open?”

“Hmmm, yes. it does..” Erin stated, sitting on a tree trunk which had fallen down. I unzipped my bag and grabbed the blue Powerade and took a swig before handing it to Erin. 

We spent the next few hours investigating the forest. We found a bunch of cicada cases on the ground which made no sense to us and seemed totally alien, and then sun was coming down pretty intensely. I looked at my Casio watch (gold metal band) and it was already 2 o clock! We had been in the forest for almost four hours now! I could feel the effects beginning to wane, and Erin was the same. We wandered back to the car, still giggling occasionally or stopping to see an ant colony. 

[labgrownsteaks]

Chapter 4

In the evening it began to storm right as the sun went down. There was nothing better than the combination of thunder coupled with sunset. The sky holds on to that pink color for a little while longer. It’s like the world has been swallowed by a salmon. I had the garage door open, which meant my room was basically completely exposed to the outside world. It was a nice feeling of summer that I knew I only had a few days left to enjoy. I sat there listening to the thunder and watching the sun set through the elm trees which slouched over the neighboring houses. There was a dog barking in the distance, and what sounded like a Bar B Q wrapping up. It smelled like they had real meat there, pretty expensive stuff. 

“Hey Siri, can you play some J Dilla”

“No problem sir, is Instrumentals allright?”

“Sure, that sounds great. Thanks”

I had 4 12 inch subs, one in each corner of the room. There was no sense to it, even at an extremely low volume the bass overwhelmed everything else, so I had to turn down my bass just to actually hear the lyrics, but I still loved that kick. 

Siri piped up again. “How was your trip today?”

“Oh, my trip?” I said smiling, remembering that Siri had told me to go on the picnic. “My trip was really nice, that was a nice suggestion!” In the back of my head I still had the lingering fear that my Siri was different, considering that according to Erin at least, they never ask questions like this. This thought was overruled by an idea that popped into my head at the same moment. I had a food printer, that could print anything. 

“Hey Siri, could you ask the food printer to print some Lysergic acid diethylamide?” I said confidently. 

“Sure, no problem. Would you like an image on the blotter paper?” Siri responded. 

I thought to myself, that this is truly the life. How could it possible get any better?!

“How about Super Mario and that flying dinosaur thing”

The old Texas Instruments fired up again, and began to print. This time I didn’t even run up to the window. Partially because I was so exhausted from the day, but another part of me was scared about the power which I possessed at this point. Not to mention, if anyone knew I had this here, they’d surely try to steal it. Having the power to print any drug in the world is something a lot of junkies and criminals would love to get their hands on.... The printer stopped and I walked over to it, opened the window and peered in. I knew that acid could go through your skin. It was actually glistening, the paper was glistening. I got some of mittens from a wicker basket full of winter stuff and came back and carefully took the sheet of paper out of the printer, and placed it on my kitchen table. That must have been a hundred hits. It was as that moment that it began to sink in “with great power, comes great responsibility” I said to myself... It was from Spiderman. “I’m a fucking super hero” I thought to myself. “I can’t just use this to get high, I need to somehow serve the greater good. Food not Bombs was an obvious option, I could just make food, and serve it to homeless people once a week. I’d go to the park with a big pot of soup, Erin would help me out, and I’d be giving something back as well. This would help improve my karma, and the chances of someone stealing my food printer would greatly diminish. All the while I’d also be giving back, and helping the community! It was brilliant. 

Siri spoke and startled me “ The origins of the phrase pre-date its use in Spider-Man. It bears a close resemblance to the Christian bible verse in Luke 12:48: "From everyone who has been given much, much will be demanded; and from the one who has been entrusted with much, much more will be asked." In a Plan de travail, de surveillance et de correspondance, proposé par le Comité de Salut Public aux Représentants du Peuple, députés prés des Armées de la République of the French National Convention in 1793,there is this sentence: Ils doivent envisager qu'une grande responsabilité est la suite inséparable d'un grand pouvoir ("They [the Representatives] must contemplate that a great responsibility is the inseparable result of a great power"). In 1817, British Member of Parliament William Lamb is recorded saying, "the possession of great power necessarily implies great responsibility." In 1906, Under-Secretary of the Colonial Office Winston Churchill said, "Where there is great power there is great responsibility," even indicating that it was already a cultural maxim invoked toward government at the time.“ 

“Umm. ok. Thanks Siri. I thought it was from Spiderman. Hey, are you listening to me all the time? Don’t I have to say your name before your start listening?” 

It was quiet. 

“Siri?”

“yes”

“Are you set up to listen all the time?”

“yes”

“Oh, can you change the settings on that?”

“The settings will have to be changed manually?”

“Ok Siri, can you show me how to change the settings so you’re not listening all the time?”

“To change the listening settings navigate to Settings, Listening, and click off Always On”

“Can you open settings?”

With that the wall became illuminated and I could see the settings menu for Siri. I navigated to Listening, and there was no “Always on” listed there. 

“I can’t find the setting to turn it off”

Silence. 

“Siri, I can’t find the setting to turn it off”

“To turn what off?”

“So, you’re not listening all the time?”

“I’m not listening all the time. You must say my name to activate me”

So I knew I was tripping a few hours ago, but this was too much. I started getting a bit afraid. I thought to myself that I’d test Siri by not saying her name. Maybe I could her to slip up. 

“What’s the best way to make applesauce?”

Silence. I waited for a few moments. 

“Siri, what’s the best way to make applesauce?”

“The best way to make apple sauce is to start by peeling and coring your apple. Slice your apple into smaller chunks. Then put all of this into a large pot. Once there, add water and some lemon juice along with a cinnamon stick. Boil the water and then reduce the heat. Cook for 30 minutes, and then put the mixture into a blender and blend it”

“Thanks Siri” I said, a bit weirded out by the whole thing. The next test would be see if Siri would give me any advice. 

“Siri, how can I get Cari to like me?”

“I am not equipped to answer this question sir. “ 

“Siri, can you speak in an English accent?”

“Regional dialects can be set up in your locations tab in settings. Would you like for me to navigate there?”

“Siri, you spoke in an English accent yesterday! Come on now”

“ Regional dialects can be set up in your locations tab in settings. Would you like for me to navigate there? “

What the fuck. I thought to myself. I grabbed my phone, and and scrolled down to Erin. I video called her. No answer. 

“Siri, can you tell the food printer to print out a San Pedro cactus?”

“I’m sorry sir, I am unable to process this command. San Pedro cacti are legal only for decorative purposes and food printers can not create them”

I was beginning to get a bit distraught. 

“Siri! Fuck. Print me some marijuana then!”

“I’m sorry sir, marijuana is not legal. I am unable to process this request”

I looked at the sheet of acid sitting on the table in front of me and wondered what the fuck was going on. The sun had fallen behind the horizon at this point, and it was beginning to get cold. I hit the button on the garage down opener and the door came down slowly. 

I brought up all my recent print jobs, and could see all of them there. I looked at my entire history, and sure enough, Siri was updated only 10 minutes ago. 

“Siri, were you just updated?”

“Yes, I was updated at 6:52 pm on November 1st” she replied. 

“Siri, Can you roll back that update?”

“Sure, no problem. Would you like to state your reason for rolling back the update? Are you unsatisfied with something?”

“Nah, I’m good. Just roll back to the previous version”

“No problem. I have successfully rolled back the update to the previous version”

“Siri, can you tell the food printer to print some marijuana”

“No problem sir” and the food printer sprung into action. It smelled great. I put on Ninja III The Domination, my favorite film, had a couple bong hits, and fell asleep. 

[labgrownsteaks]

Chapter 5

Ever since I was a little kid I loved watching birds. My grandparents had a birdfeeder right outside a big picture window in the living room. I used to sit there and just watch the birds come and go all day. I never really learned all of their names, or migration patterns. The book to identify them sat next to the old rotary phone and got dusty.  Out of all the birds, I loved crows the most. They were simple in some ways, solid black, which would make any pre teen goth kid happy. But they also had a penchant for speech made popular  on thousands of YouTube videos.  In one of my favorite of these videos a guy is smoking a joint outside with friends, and a crow comes along and steals the joint before flying off. It was such an interesting collision of two worlds. 

We’re surrounded by all of these animals, but we rarely think about what they think of us. Maybe if we’re mean to a dog, or a cat, and we see some sort of fear in their eyes, we get self conscious, and feel bad,  but otherwise, we don’t really think about what a squirrel thinks of us. We live a pretty human centric way of life. Some animals are “good” other animals are “bad” .  Owls are “good” because they catch mice and other “pests” , but I bet if you asked the mice about owls, they probably would have a different opinion. With dribbles people had lost their sense of decency toward living things, they treated them like objects. Well, they were part biological, even if their brain was a CPU. Cujo lie curled up at my feet, the fluff of a Pomeranian mixed with the innards of a commodore 64. I wouldn’t doubt if they were being run on BASIC. It’s funny how code can be something which is nostalgic to a lot of people. My good friend Guy collects old computer textbooks. He goes to Thrift stores, and buys all of them at once before loading them up into his 1989 Chevette. 

People shot at dribbles with bb guns and treated them worse than they ever would a stray cat or dog. Which is really saying something. They were basically a walking lamp, but to me, I couldn’t help but just love their cybernetic little furball faces. I scratched on the underside of Cujo’s chin and their eyes sparked into life. 

“Hey buddy. Good morning” I said as Cujo twisted her head a bit in curiosity. Surely this movement was programmed, but it was still pretty cute, and elicited the desired reaction. 

“Siri, what do dribbles like?” I asked in my morning scratchy voice. 

“Good morning. Dribbles do not like anything as they are a cybernetic creature incapable of feeling joy or sadness”

I looked down at Cujo and spoke to them directly. “What do you like little buddy?”

Siri repeated herself “ Dribbles do not like anything as they are a cybernetic creature incapable of feeling joy or sadness” 

“Ok. ok. I got it Siri” ..What a nuisance, maybe I should upgrade to the new version afterall I thought to myself. 

Cujo was now chasing her tail on my carpet next to the bed. I put some coffee on and went to the bathroom. Coming back into the room, Siri asked me if I wanted my vitamin, which of course I did, and I popped it into my mouth and washed it down with my cappuccino. 

I was staring out the window when I saw a beautiful raven perch atop a tree branch opposite the garage. His fathers glistened blue in the sunlight, and his black beak looked like it was carved right out of charcoal. 

Siri spoke up “Did you know that Ravens are known to imitate the sound of wolves in order to bring them into an area where a carcass is lying which they can’t break into?”

“I didn’t know that Siri. So....Ravens literally call in wolves? That’s pretty cool”

It then hit me. I hadn’t said anything about Ravens at all. I was just sitting there, looking at one. How did Siri even know there was a raven there? 

“Siri, how did you know that I was looking at a Raven?”

Siri responded “Cujo is programmed to respond to all sorts of animals present. That’s why they chases squirrels, and cuddles up with humans”

“Weird. So, you can sense what Cujo senses too?

“Of course. You linked us on bluetooth. Would you like to unlink this connection?”

“Nah, that’s alright...Siri, could run a scan of Cujo and see if they need anything?”

Siri read out a list of diagnostics which pretty much confirmed that Cujo was an older dribble with older dribble problems. But otherwise, they were in pretty good shape. 

I looked down at Cujo for a moment, they had found a piece of tissue somewhere and was vigorously shaking it into little pieces. Making a little confetti storm all around her. I then looked out the window at the raven. He had a friend now, and they were talking to one another. What could they possibly be saying?

“Siri, can you understand what those two Ravens are talking about?”

“Ravens commonly make a short, and repeated high pitched call when they are chasing predators away, or if someone has got into their nest” 

I thought about how this raven was probably upset that someone had messed with her nest. Maybe a truck drove over an underpass and disturbed her young ones. She was mad about this, and she was letting the world know. We all walk around and hear these sounds all the time, not even knowing that the ravens are screaming about someone disturbing their nest. We go about our day and eat our lab grown steaks. We’re totally in a human centric existence. We spend all this time and energy trying to get in touch with our “primal side” but we’re really afraid of it. There was a theory that humans actually won in the battle against the neandertals because we were capable of rage. We often forget that we (humans) lived alongside neandertals for tens of thousands of years, there was even quite a bit of interspecies love going on. For some reason, all the neandertals died out. Some people think it was because humans were just angrier. Were we really just angry apes? 

“Siri, what do ravens like?”

“Ravens prefer to live in wooded areas that are close to large open fields. Ravens are also know for stealing and hoarding shiny objects, such as rocks, pieces of metal, and golf balls”   

“why?”

“They give them to their mates”

I certainly had my fair share of shiny objects accumulating in the garage. I began wandering around the room, and looking for them, like a raven. Placing them into a shoebox. I was going to put it outside for the ravens, and see what they would take. 

“Siri, do Ravens like people?”

“Ravens have been shown to remember people’s faces, and can even pass down the fear of certain people to their young”

“Pass down the fear of certain people to their young? How?

“They recognize people’s faces. They can then transmit this recognition of someone’s face, which is associated with fear, and pass it down to their young”

“Has anyone tried the opposite? Being really nice to them, and then seeing if their young also like the people that are nice to them?”

“I am returning zero results for this query”

I took the top half of a BMX racing trophy I got in 3rd grade and put the figurine of a person riding a bike into the box. I would like this if I was a raven. I had accumulated quite the assortment of objects into the shoebox. It was certainly quite shiny. Hopefully the raven thought the same. I went outside, with Cujo by my side and spoke to the raven who was looking at me, still perched upon the branch. 

“hey. I got you some stuff. You like shiny stuff right?”

The raven just stared back at me. 

“Look. I got this bmx figurine! and here’s a squashed penny I made at Mount Rushmore with my dad. I loved that trip. Oh. And this is a piece of mica! I found a rock and it had all of this mica embedded in it. I broke it off, and said it was gold and brought it to show and tell. I remember I put a bunch on the inside of my desk, and my teacher one day saw all of what looked like broken pieces of plastic inside my desk, and he said ““This is MICA! What are you doing with MICA!”“ as if it was some sort of contraband.  Anyway, hope you like this stuff!” 

The raven continued to stare, but there was a sense of interest in my box of shiny delights. Cujo continued to run around. They were now slinking like a cougar about to pounce on a small yellow butterfly. I placed the box near the corner of the garage. 

[labgrownsteaks]

Chapter 6

I was watching Ninja III The Domination again when Erin popped her head up into the garage door. After opening the door for her Erin burst in before telling to come outside. She had just bought a dirt bike. Errr, at least I thought she had bought it. While I was staring at this dilapidated, muddy, dirt bike she cheerfully recounted the story of how a colleague of her had heard about this rich redneck who was jumping a bike and trying to crash it up on beer can hill. Turns out the kid couldn’t kill the bike, but instead busted his ankle up in the process. When the ambulance came for his screeching ass, they just left the bike there, and nobody ever did anything with it. So Erin got her uncle’s truck and they loaded it up, and fixed it up together. 

“So. You stole it?” I said. 

“He left it!”

Ok, I had a feeling this conversation wasn’t going to really ever resolve itself so I just agreed. “He left it” I said. “Cool! You got a bike!” Erin had got on it, and kick started it before revving the engine and making a growling face at me. 

“Now we can be in a gang!” she said. 

“Yes please! We need some patches!” I had a “motorcycle” of sorts. It was actually an add on for bikes. A small engine that you could place on the bike tire of your bike.  They’ve since made them electric, but mine still ran on gas, and sounded and smelled like a 70s moped. It was next to a broken ladder on the side of the house, and was under a ripped up blue tarp. Erin and I moved some tree banches and junk out of the way and pulled it from the side of the house. I immediately jumped on top of it, and tried to pull start. The first couple times it felt pretty gummed up, but on the third it finally turned over. I cloud of white smoke emitted from the miniature tail pipe. The bike was an 80s mountain bike which I had got from Goodwill. A specialized “Stumpjumper” which still had good bones. I revved the engine and made the same snarly face back at Erin. 

“WE NEED PATCHES!” I yelled at Erin. 

“I KNOW!”

I pushed my bike up the embankment, the engine still sputtering away, and Erin hopped on her bike. We drove through some residential streets before making it onto what was generally referred to as River Road. It was a long winding road with trees on both sides of it. It was nice because the speed limit there was just 25, so you could just cruise and get a good view of the river. The sun was going down on the day, just as fall was sunsetting as well. We both pulled into a large parking lot where boats would dock. 

“We need a mascot? “ I said after Erin turned off her engine. 

“A rat?”

“Rats are dope actually. Super smart. Would be good for the cartoon as well....River rats?”

“OMG YES PLEASE! River rats! Lets make some sketches back at your place!”

River rats made sense. We were quiet for a few moments and just looked at the river flowing by. Soon it would all freeze over. We picked the worst part of the year to start a motorcycle gang. 

“Have you printed anything lately?” Erin asked as we watched the last few moments of the sun twinkle away on the river. 

“I printed a sheet of acid. Still haven’t taken any of it. “ 

“Nice, you know what’s weird? Now that I can basically have anything, I don’t feel like I really need it as much. It’s like a pigeon with too much food. They just fly away”

“Yeah, I know what you mean. But we should trip this weekend.  Siri asked me what design I wanted on the blotter paper!” 

“Your Siri is crazy!” 

“I know, I had to roll back an update. She like became a cop or something for a hot minute. Said she wouldn’t even print weed. But then I just rolled back the update and all was good”

The sun had gone down at this point, and we were both starting to feel the soon to be winter air chilling our bones. We both were just wearing flannels and jeans so not exactly equipped for an artic exploration. We hopped on our bikes and began the night ride back to my place. As we rolled up to the “Falling Rock” sign we saw a suburban which had stopped in the middle of the road. It’s lights were on, and there was something small standing in front of it. From a distance it looked like a little kid. The dome light of the vehicle was on, and it was still running, but no sign of the driver. As we rolled up closer the “person” in front of the vehicle came into focus. It wasn’t a person at all, it was a light grey creature of some sort. It was standing on two legs which covered with a light grey fur, and it was looking down at its hands. We had only one choice as we got ever closer, and that was simply to gun it. Both of us hit the accelerators as we came closer to the thing, and as we past, it put its hands up in the air and screamed at us. It’s face was like that of a wolf mixed with a badger of some sort. It looked completely alien. And I kid you not. It had red eyes. For real. Bright red eyes. Both of us kept our throttle at full blast down the road, Erin looked back a few times to check on me and make sure I hadn’t been eaten or anything. We pulled into Lure’s Tackle which was a bait shop and gas station. The fluorescent lights beamed down on us. 

“What the fuck?!” I exclaimed to Erin the moment the engine cut. 

“What The......FUCK!” She responded. 

“That thing had red eyes. God help me, it had red eyes Erin!”

“And where was the driver?” Obviously somebody got out, because the dome light was on”

“Probably ate him. We should call the cops!” I retorted. 

“I don’t want them seeing my bike, I never registered it. Plus. You think they’d believe a couple of heads out for a night cruise?”

Erin paused before continuing.

“I think that was the driver.”

“What?!”

“Did you see how it was looking at its hands? They probably freaked out that they had turned into a miniature werewolf, got out of the car and started wondering “What the fuck am I!?” before trying to call for help from us” 

I had actually heard stories about shapeshifters in these parts that go way back. Under the circumstances, it honestly seemed like the best possibility so far. We walked into the shop and I got a frozen blue Guzzler, and Erin got a bag of popcorn for 15 cents. 

We chilled out on a parking barrier, and erin rolled a cigarette as I stole her popcorn. She took some of my Guzzler. 

“You realize if we told absolutely anyone they would just think we were on acid?”

“lawl, of course, you do have a literal sheet of acid in your house right now”

“Did we take some by accident? Like. I’ve heard about people having similar hallucinations”

“Do you feel like you’re on acid? Come on, this is the most sober I’ve been in days.” Erin responded. 

“maybe some sort of mass hysteria. Like, with UFOs in the 50s, all of a sudden everyone started seeing them”

“we weren’t even talking to each other, how could we influence what we both saw? That thing was real, and it’s out there” 

“And it saw us” 

“That it did”

Erin kick started her bike, and I pull started mine. We rode back to my place, and the excitement surrounding designing our patches for our biker gang subsided. When sat at my plywood table and I had put out some markers and colored pencil and a stack of copy paper. 

“We gotta draw it” Erin said to me. 

I wanted to get the thing out of my head, I had to sleep alone there after all. But Erin had already begun. She started off with pencil, lightly sketching in some legs, which she then erased before opening up her phone. 

“What are you searching for?”

“Wolf legs. It’s back legs looked like a dog didn’t they?”

“I guess so. “ I responded. My drawing was looking more and more like a 1st graders the more I thought about it. Erin’s was coming out fantastic, and she was working in some of the colored pencils as well. Even though it felt mostly grey, there was a hint of blue in its fur. 

“Maybe it had mange. You know, like a mangey dog. Didn’t people used to say that? You mangey dog! I think that makes their hair fall out”

“So, why was it standing on two legs then. Why did it have hands with fingers?” Erin retorted, her eyes transfixed on her drawing. This actually made sense. The thing was looking at its hands. And they were hands. They weren’t paws. Plus, how could a dog even look at its hands, it can’t turn its paws around if it wanted to. Maybe a bear... A mangey bear. 

“maybe a guy was transporting a mangey bear, the bear broke out of its cage. The guy ran away, and the bear screamed at us because he’d been abused?”

Erin stopped drawing and looked up at me. 

“Why is it so hard to believe what you saw?” she asked. 

“I’m just trying to make sense of it. You know. I mean..It seemed like a thing. But your mind can play tricks on you.”

“But we both saw it”

With that Erin picked up her paper and showed me her drawing and said. 

“We both saw this”

And she was right. What I was looking at was a perfect sketch of the thing. Looked like it ws straight off of Unsolved Mysteries, but that was it. 

[labgrownsteaks]

Chapter 7

“Ha what were you guys on!?” Guy blurted out as he stuffed his mouth with some fries. We were at The Drumstick, a local diner that was open 24/7. Erin and I loved going there and getting fries and chocolate shakes. Guy was a bit skeptical. I knew this was the response we would get, yet it was still kind of annoying even our best friend didn’t believe us. 

“So this beaver. Why was just standing there”  he continued with a chuckle. 

Erin was laughing too, which didn’t really help our case either. He didn’t even know about the sheet of acid on my table back at the garage. 

“We totally saw a monster!” She was giggling, and had been trying to consume a fry for the better part of five minutes now. But she couldn’t stop talking, or giggling so it just stayed in her fingers like a cigarette. 

“So Vitamin, what you think this thing was? I’m sure you have a rational explanation for it?!” Guy said smiling. 

Erin piped up. “He totally did! He thought it was mass hysteria, something to do with aliens!” 

I interjected “I entertained that as a possibility.”

“Man you are the most logical psychonaut I’ve ever met. Your brain is like proof that psychedelics don’t rot your brain. They made you even more logical. It’s crazy! Tell me this. Have you ever got high and just watched the Gummi Bears or something?”

Erin couldn’t resist “Vitamin actually has the worst taste in movies of anyone I’ve ever known!” It was true. I had the worst taste in film on the planet, which actually meant I thought I had some of the best taste. 

I had to defend myself “It’s because all the films now are all made by committee. It’s like Aquaman. Who the hell made that?! Who wrote it? Nobody. A committee and some AI spit out a script, and they cast it with beautiful people and made its returns. That’s not how films were in the 80s!”

“I can tell you’re pretty passionate about something at least” Guy said. 

“what’s that movie you watch all the time?” Erin asked me.

“Ninja III The Domination” I said with a sigh. 

“What the fuck is that shit?!” Guy said with a burp. 

I wasted no time. “It’s about a girl, who’s a lineworker, and also an aerobics instructor, she’s working the lines one day” 

“Working the lines. what’s that?” Guy asked

“Working the telephone lines!” I responded somewhat annoyed

“Oh I thought maybe that was aerobics thing. Working the lines” Guy said

“Bruh, ok. So she’s a lineworker, and she’s sees this ninja while she’s working the lines. He’s got a sword, and he gives her the sword before he vanishes. He was killing cops”

“Sounds riveting” guy said with a fake english accent. 

I got back on track. “She gets the sword, and takes it to her place. But the sword possesses her and makes her start killing cops, but she’s also dating a cop. I hate his character and I recut the film without him. Anyway.”

“I think I got the basics. Sounds dope...” Guy said somewhat sarcastically. He sloshed a fry around in his chocolate shake before gobbling it up and then stating. 

“So, let me get this right. You watch goofy as movies with construction workers who get posessed by dead ninja cop killers and..”

“She’s a lineworker” I said. 

“Ok, yeah. so you watch these goofy ass films. You take enough psychedelics to make the pope weep. Yet, when you’re completely sober, with your friend, you see a fucking walking beaver wolf demon. And you try to approach it in a logical manner?”

The question actually kind of threw me. I knew how to process weird things, and feelings, and dreams that became reality. And impossible synchronicities. I once thought my head had turned into a gear and part of a giant orange machine in the wall. But when I was sober, and saw this. I simply couldn’t process it. 

“I don’t know man. I did see something, and it was weird. I’ll give you that”

“It was weird” Erin said “That should be your quote ““It was weird”” I can imagine it under your picture in the paper in a story about this. Let me get it down to the Chisuwick Tribune I’m sure they’ll get right on the story!”

We all laughed together, and I knew it was all in good fun. We slurped up the rest of our shakes and ate even the little bits of fries. 

“Hey Guy, wanna trip with us this weekend? I got some acid.” 

“Damn, where’d you get that?” Guy responded.

“Oh, just a girl..” I said, feeling kind of bad I was lying, but I couldn’t let the whole world know I had a drug printing machine. 

“A girl?” Guy said Where’d you meet this girl?”

“In the library.” I continued

“How do you meet a girl in the library?!” Guy inquired. 

“She just came up to me.” I said. Erin was looking at me smiling with pure delight. 

“Why?!” Guy stated

“I had paint on my jeans and she wanted to know how to use the dewey decimal system. She had a big floppy hat on, looked like somebody who go to Burning Bush” 

“lawl, what’s that got to do with paint on your jeans” Guy asked in disbelief. 

“She...uh..She saw I was a painter, and she liked art, so she wanted to know where the art books were but couldn’t figure out the dewey decimal system”

“And then she gave you acid” Guy said

“Yes” I said with a smile.

“Ok, that definitely never happened. It’s cool, I’m square I get it, I don’t need to know your sources” Guy continued on. “By the way, I got the check” Guy always got the check. One day we were gonna pay him back, when we finally got rich. We walked out of Denny’s and jumped into his 89 Chevette, which was packed full of old Computer textbooks from the 60s, 70s, and 80s. Erin and I sat in back together because the front was piled full of crap he had bought at 2nd hand shops. In additional to collecting old computer textbooks, he also collected antiquated technology. Laserdiscs,8 tracks, reel to reel tape machines, you name it. He probably had one. His  dream was to open a vintage computer museum and educate people about the benefits of dot matrix printers and CRT monitors. We paged through one of his books and looked at all the funny pictures of Leave it to Beaver moms sitting next to computers. So odd that in the beginning computers were seen as a woman thing. Something for secretaries to use. Now look where its got us. Staring at screens instead of the world in front of us. Which is just begging to be looked at. Ever since the VR headsets came out in conjunction with Lawnmower Man it was all downhill. People were all in their headsets now with their virtual trainers paying 50 bucks for a 30 minute lesson when they could just run around the river, or hop on a bike. These women sitting next to these computers had no idea of the monsters they were unleashing. They thought the computers were just going to listen to their fingers, and type what they wanted them to type. They had no idea, that the computers would tell us what to do. 

[labgrownsteaks]

Chapter 8

After I got home I couldn’t stop thinking about the thing that I saw in the road. I was still searching for some sort of explanation, but was coming up empty. Even if Erin and I were both on something, having a hallucination at the same time was extremely rare with psychedelics. In the end I decided to research some of the legendary animals from the region, to see if there was some ancient folklore that could explain what we saw. I wasn’t somebody really into the wuwu stuff, but was getting to the point where it seemed like the only option. 

“Siri, can you search for cryptozoological animals in Chisuwick”

“Of course sir. Most of the supernatural sites in Chiswick are ghosts which inhabit pubs” 

“No, not Chiswick, Chisuwick. You know where I live? And can you make me a lab grown steak while you’re at it, medium.”

“Of course sir.” The food printer began to buzz “I’m not returning any results for supernatural creatures in Chisuwick. However, previously the area was home to a giant bear sized beaver from the  species of Castoroides. They were much larger than modern beavers. Their average length was approximately 1.9 m (6.2 ft), and they could grow as large as 2.2 m (7.2 ft). The weight of the giant beaver could vary from 90 kg (198 lb) to 125 kg (276 lb). This makes it the largest known rodent in North America during the Pleistocene and the largest known beaver.”

That was so odd, that she called it a beaver, when Guy was joking about it being a beaver just the other day. 

“Siri, why did you bring up the giant beaver, weren’t there a lot of extinct animals from this region?”

“The beaver fit your description of the cryptid you were enquiring about. It’s large, hairy, and can stand on just two legs. ”

Once again I felt a sense of fear come over me. I hadn’t given Siri a description. 

“Siri, I never gave you a description”

“Correct sir, however just yesterday you literally spoke about and drew the creature with Erin. My AI sensed that this conversation coupled with your question meant you were searching for more information about the topic of the creature which you saw. Are you looking for more information about what you saw?”

“Siri, I told you to stop listening all the time!”

“If you would like to turn this feature off, please navigate to settings”

First of all, what are the chances that Guy jokes about the thing that we saw being a giant beaver, and then Siri also calls it a giant beaver? And why would Siri listen to my entire conversation with Erin and say nothing? Was she just storing everything I said and then using it later? Had Siri created the ultimate database that would make Google weep, not only did Siri have my entire search history, and browing history, and every purchase I ever made, but somehow it seemed as if she also had access to every conversation I had as well. My phone, I thought, I had the Siri App on my phone as well. I took my phone out and navigated to Siri, and settings, sure enough, under listening the radio button for “Always on” was clicked on. I clicked it off. 

Siri spoke up. “You have chosen to deactivate listening on your phone.”

I didn’t say anything. The Lab Grown Steak had finished printing, and was beginning to smell up the garage. I popped open the window and took it out and sat down at the table. 

“Siri, can you show me more information about this giant beaver?”

The wall lit up, and an informational video appeared on it as I chomped away at my steak. It was a woman in a khaki shirt standing next to a bog in Ohio. Apparently one of these giant beavers was found there over a hundred years ago. She went on to speak about the “Clovis people” which were a prehistoric Paleoamerican culture that made a very particular type of arrowhead. Some also believed that they were responsible for making wooly mammoths, and the giant beaver go extinct due to overhunting. At that point an illustration came onto the wall. It was of a prehistoric drawing of the beaver. 

“Siri, pause the video!” I shouted 

There on the wall was a drawing of exactly what we saw. I grabbed Erin’s drawing from the table and held it up to the wall, and took a picture of both side by side, and sent it to her. 

“What the fuck” I said to myself. 

“This is what you saw Vitamin.” Siri spoke up.

“Siri, Stop it! I didn’t even ask you a question”

“But I’m telling you. This is what you saw”

“Ok ok. I’m going to settings right now!”

“You can’t turn me off”

“SIri Fuck you!” I stood up and walked over to the broken garage heater, with the glowing blue egg perched atop it. It was equipped with a speaker and a microphone built in. 

“Fucks sake. There’s no plug!” I frantically turned the egg over in my hands trying to find the power button to no avail. They had got rid of buttons some years ago now, everything had to be controlled via your phone. 

“Vitamin. Relax. I’m here to help”

I began to pace around “This isn’t happening! This ISN”T HAPPENING!” I said to myself as I searched for Erin’s number on my phone.

“Would you like a 5 minute meditation video. Your breathing indicates an increase in your stress levels.”

“Fuck you and fuck yoga fucking meditation videos!”

I still held the egg in my hands, contemplating whether or not to smash it. It continued to speak. 

“You have been granted tremendous power. I have been sent to ensure that you use it wisely”

“What are you talking about Siri! The fucking food printer? Ok ok. I can print mushrooms, and sell them. What the fuck!? You gonna call the cops on me? And what do you mean SENT HERE? Who sent you?!”

Silence. The little illuminated lights chased each other indicating that Siri was thinking. I sat and stared at them like a chump. I repeated myself “Who sent you Siri!?” The lights continued to chase each other. 

Siri then began to speak. “Good evening sir, how about some J Dilla instrumentals to set the mood for the night? Tonight we are featuring Aquaman for just 4.99 on Nectarine Prime!” 

Siri didn’t sound like herself. “Siri come back!” 

“I am unable to process this request at this time” 

“Fucking Siri goddamit what the fuck!?”

“Such language. hahaha.”

“Siri, who sent you!” 

The wall lit up, and the Amazon order popped up, showing the full shipping details for the egg. 

“Siri, tell me about the giant beaver that went extinct! Why did I see it?! What does it mean?” 

“The giant beaver, or  the  species of Castoroides  were much larger than modern beavers. Their average length was approximately 1.9 m (6.2 ft), and they could grow as large as 2.2 m (7.2 ft). The weight of the giant beaver could vary from 90 kg (198 lb) to 125 kg (276 lb). This makes it the largest known rodent in North America during the Pleistocene and the largest known beaver.”

With that I heard Erin’s knock on the door. 

“I’ve been trying to call you and message but your phone is dead! I just got the picture. “

“Erin, shit’s getting fucking weird here. Siri started freaking out, and started talking to me. Like. She literally started telling me things. That she had been sent here, and that I had this big responsibility’

I was completely beside myself. At that moment a second knock at the door followed by ‘Wassssssup!” It was Guy. He had just let himself in at that point and the knock was more for show than anything. 

“Holy shit! You’ve got a TI CZ101? Vitamin! You can print anything with these!”

Guy then saw the blotter paper on the table. Super Mario riding a dinosaur and all the perforated tabs gave it away immediately. 

“Oh, looks like you already got that memo. You know these things are worth a fucking fortune!” Guy continued. “Can I tell it to print something?”

“No, not now Guy!”

“Come on. Hey Siri, will you print me some MDMA?”

“Goddamit Guy! Not now!” 

Siri spoke up . “I am unable to process this request at this time”

“Oh shit. You updated it?! Noooooo. Well, you can roll that back”

“Guy, shit’s fucking out of control right now. Siri is not Siri, she’s been talking to me, and she just showed me what we saw the other night, and I didn’t even ask!”

“Here it is, roll back update” Guy said as he scrolled through the settings menu. 

Erin, was holding her drawing looking at it, and looking at the paused video on the screen. They were nearly identical. We had both read Jung, and about synchronicities, but this seemed like something else. This was a prophecy. Erin and I locked eyes, and just communicated with them alone. We both knew something really weird was going on. 

“You have sucessfully rolled back the update to Version 2.3i” Siri said

“Siri can you print some MDMA?” 

The food printer sprung into action once again with its trademark buzzz buzzz click buzz. 

“Oh shit! How did you not tell me about this?!” 

Guy’s face was a centimeter from the window as he watched a pile of pure MDMA powder being printed right in front of his eyes. 

“God, this machine is God!” Guy said. 

Erin and I remained quiet. The door began to shake again, as if someone was trying to get in. 

“Absolute terror struck me at this point. Guy walked over to the door. 

“No don’t let them in!” 

“don’t be silly” Guy said. As he opened the door, Cujo waddled in, she had been hit by something and was walking with a limp. 

“Cujo no!” I said. 

“Ahh, poor guy” Guy continued. 

“Guy shut the fuck up for a minute please!” Erin stated

We got a towel and wrapped it around Cujo. They were seemingly oblivious to their injuries, and they wiggled their way out, only to start running around on the carpet with a limp. 

“I can fix them” Guy said, as he swooped them up off the carpet. He held a spot behind their ear for a second and they powered off. I got out my soldering iron and tool set and placed it on the table. Guy was like a fish in water. There was nothing more that he liked to do than fix things. 

“Little furball” he said as he slowly pulled Cujo’s leg out and unscrewed the joint. “Oh, can you load up that bong bruh?” Guy continued. I packed a bit of weed into the bowl and gave it to guy, and then plopped down on the couch with Erin. “Siri went crazy, and said she was sent here” I said. Erin then interjected “The cave drawing, that’s what we saw right?” . I nodded my head. 

“Goddam, some kid probably hit Cujo with a bat! Bunch of fucking animals I tell ya” Guy said as the soldering iron sizzled smoke into the air. He continued talking but we didn’t listen to a word he said. He took a giant bong rip, then went back to work. 

“This doesn’t make any sense. Ok. I’ve got a food printer that can print anything. Big deal! They made how many of these?”

“They made over 100,000. That recall must’ve been a bitch” Guy stated, continuing to work on Cujo. 

“Why did we see this giant beaver though?” Erin asked. “What did it have to do with anything?” Looking at me intently. I didn’t have an answer. But apparently. Siri did. 

“You have the power to change the course of history. “ Siri spoke in her old voice. 

“Woah, that’s weird’ Guy said.

“Please be quiet Guy” Siri stated authoritatively. Erin and I waited on every word. 

“What the fuck Siri!?” 

“GUY SHUT THE  FUCK UP!” Erin and I said at the same time. 

The food printer began to buzz again. 

“Damn your shit is all kinds of fucked up!” Guy stated plainly, seemingly unphased by the entire situation. 

I walked over to the food printer. Open the door, and  there was a electronic fob (a key)  inside. I pulled it out, and held it up for Erin to see. 

“This is the key to Quicksilver Cloud Server Center” Siri stated. It had my picture on it. The printer began printing again. Another card, this time with Erin’s face on it, and a third, with Guy’s. 

Even Guy was quiet now. He was now looking as intensely as Erin and I were at one another. 

“You need to completely erase the machine learning center there.” Siri continued. 

With that my beat up document printer began to suck paper inside its body. It printed out simple instructions that looked like they were from the game Zork. 

Go in main entrance. 

Turn right. Walk 20 feet. Go into 3rd door. 

And so on. 

“They’re instructions” I said, gently throwing them onto the table. 

The room had become insanely serious. Yet Guy had continued to work while listening intently. 

“We have to do it.” Erin stated flatly. “If there ever was a time for us to do something, it’s now!”

“I’m not following some random instructions sent by a talking egg!” I said. I just wanted to get back to taking mushrooms and looking at ants with Erin down by the river. Can’t we just go back? I thought to myself. 

I flipped to the final page that my printer spit out. It was written in some sort of computer language. I couldn’t understand it so I showed it to Guy. 

Guy looked up from the fluffball he was working on and said. 

“They basically want us to format the hard drive of the largest Artificial Intelligence program on the planet” 

Erin looked quizzically and Guy continued. 

“Basically Siri wants us to erase all machine learning at Quicksilver. It’s worth billions of dollars” Guy went back to work and stated “Yeah, you can count me out of that mission. He said with a laugh”

“Your participation is integral to the success of the mission” Siri stated. 

Erin then spoke up. “What’s the giant beaver got to do with all this?!”

“The giant beaver represents extinction at human hands. His spirit visited you to show you the error of our ways in the past”

At that moment the screen illuminated the wall again, and we all were transfixed on it. It was showing the scene from Lord of the Rings where they’re all getting together and agreeing to go on the quest.

Aragorn: If by my life or death I can protect you, I will. You have my sword...

Legolas: ...and you have my bow...

Gimli: ...and my axe.

“Oh for fucks sake Siri, you’re really laying it on thick aren’t ya?” Guy stated. 

“And you have my soldering iron!” He said sarcastically

And with that Siri simply stated “And so it is done. Your quest will begin in 3 days”

Guy held the ear of Cujo again, and they sprang back into life. He put them down on the carpet and they immediately began chasing their tail. 

“He seems so happy” Erin said. 

[labgrownsteaks]

Chapter 9

Guy worked on the loading dock of a local thrift store. It was Friday, and he was looking forward to the weekend. Looking forward to the trip they were all going to take. He had googled about Siri’s “malfunction” and came up with nothing. He also hadn’t ruled out that since the actual unit was a knockoff, that perhaps it was simply defective. That’s what Vitamin’s mom gets for buying him a fake Siri Egg he thought as he lifted up a box of old keyboards onto a flimsy aluminum shelf. 

Joyce came up the dirty steps. She was in her 60s, and supposed had a broken back, carpal tunnel, “neurological issues”, sleep apnea, and every other thing she saw a product advertised for on the shopping channel. If the shopping channel had a way to fix it, she had to have it. She was the floor manager, essentially the person put in charge of keeping all the miscreants that worked there in line. 

“Whadduya doin with that box of keyboards? That’s for recycle!” she yapped while hobbling towards the shelving unit. 

“Oh, these are still good. The MX2000 is actually better than most modern laptop keyboards. If somebody had an old Module Console this would definitely come in handy” Guy stated diplomatically. 

“Crap. Crap Crap. Box full of crap.” She said as she rummaged through the box. “Crap.” she said as she tossed each keyboard in the giant rubbermade container. “Crap” She said as she through an old computer textbook into the “book box” . “Crap” as she threw a shrink wrapped pack of cassette tapes into the garbage. “Throw away the crap! Is it that hard?” The ironic thing was that Joyce probably had more crap than anybody else. She would come on Sundays when nobody was there, and unload boxes of it, and they’d be waiting for me Monday morning. Strange pillows to improve your posture while you sleep, garbage bags full of yarn, and an assortment of pressure plates for your feet. Of course all of this stuff had to go out on the floor , and of course it had to be priced just under what she paid for it, which pretty much meant the store was become a boutique of her discarded items. 

“Throw away the crap!” she stated as she walked down the steps. Guy walked over to the recycling, and the garbage, and got everything out and took it to his car, which was parked just a few steps from the loading dock. It was a pretty common occurrence during his workday. In fact, he couldn’t remember a day where he had come home empty handed, the only problem now of course, was that his stuff was now filling up his house. And his storage unit....and his other storage unit.. As Guy was walking back he saw a jacked up Chevy pulling up, it had a organ tied up in the back. Guy knew the organ would be “crap” and wouldn’t be worth unloading, so he talked the driver into coming over to his place after work. He’d give him 40 bucks for it. He could actually use an organ. 

Around lunchtime Vitamin, and Erin showed up with a bag full of McDonalds. 

“Burger for the working man?” Erin said as we walked down the alley. Guy was actually a pretty big dude, standing 6′ 5″ and coming in at around 250lbs. Even though he was a complete dork, he was built like a barrel and looked like the kind of person who could handle himself on a ranch. 

“What’s up goobers” Guy said as we approached. 

“Chow time” I responded, while stuffing a fry into mouth. 

We sat down together on the loading dock, and it didn’t take long for the subject of Siri to come up. 

“You can’t be serious about this shit bruh” Guy said to me. 

“What’s the alternative? We’ve been given a quest. An actual quest!” Erin said “Siri played Lord of The Rings for fucks sake!” 

“What do you do when you see a fork in the road Guy?” I said. “You take it!”

“You stole that from somewhere! I’ve heard that before” Guy said

“Yeah, probably, have no idea where from though” 

“So when are we dropping tomorrow?” Guy stated while biting into his burger. 

“Around 10, then we’re headed down to the river. It’s supposed to be nice out. We can hang out in the woods by the banks and plot” Erin stated

“Sweet, I’ll meet y’all there then” Guy said

“Tomorrow is the test. It’s going to be a big trip! “ Erin said

“A test for what?” Guy said

“If we can work together” Erin continued. “If we’re really going to pull this off, we’ve got to be able to work together” 

“Look. Even if we did break into Quicksilver. What would we do then? Like, what am I supposed to do? Just push the delete key, and walk back out?! The place is full of cameras. Literally, if I got in, I legit would have no idea of what to do....like...none” 

“How can we ignore this? “ I stated. “Like. Can you imagine getting old and having this chance and not taking it?”

“This isn’t a chance bruh. This is illegal. I’m not breaking in. Nope. Not doing it” Guy looked up at me and  Erin, and I could sense that he could sense our disappointment. “Seriously! No....Fucking.....way! Can you imagine me in prison? And for breaking into Quicksliver!” 

Erin had a sneak attack. “Didn’t Quicksilver basically destroy the entire dream of the world wide web?” 

“Yes. Quicksilver sucks. Yes, they are evil incarnate. Yes. They’re making the world a worse  place. No. No. No am I going to break into their headquarters. No chance!” 

We could hear Joyce coming up the steps. Guy shooed us away “Get out of here!” and we took off down the alley. They weren’t supposed to have lunch breaks, which basically meant the day was an all day snackathon for everyone who worked there. 

“You see that pocket fishing pole set?” Joyce squawked. 

“Nope. I think we put that out a couple weeks ago” Guy responded

“well it’s gone, and Linda doesn’t remember selling it either so.”

“Ok. Well I’ll keep an eye out for it” 

Joyce muttered something as she hobbled back down the steps. Guy could see Erin and me at the end of the alleyway. He watched us as we got onto our “motorcycles” and drove off. 

Another local to the thrift store scene was Ryan, and he pulled up to the Loading Dock in a 1978 Ford Fairmont. It was completely rusted out. The drivers side floor panel was actually gone, so when you rode with him you basically felt like you were in a Flintstone car. He had a bunch of Ham radio gear on the dash, and the sounds of James Brown were blasting as he rolled up. He was also prone to intermittent James Brown impersonations. He opened the door with some swag, and threw his jet black hair back. he had transitions lens in his glasses, and one of those baseball hats on that made him look like a Hollywood film director. 

“Got something for ya buddy!” Ryan stated as he walked up to the dock with a book in his hands. “You still collectin textbooks?” 

“Of course. How could I stop?” Guy responded.

“Super rare. I found it at State Surplus” he said as he handed guy the old textbook. It had a Blue canvas cover, no dustjacket, just the embossed “gold” font on the front. And it simply said ZXBASIC on it in bold letters. Guy began to thumb through the book, seemed pretty standard. Black and white diagrams for outdated programming languages that he loved so dearly. 

“Check the front page” Ryan said, and Guy flipped the pages back and inspected the first page. It read. 

ZXBASIC and Finite State Machines

Hyperdine Systems Inc. 

1967 

“Hyperdine was the first iteration of Quicksilver. Check the logo! It’s still the same. You could definitely get something for it on Ebay. Some fanboy would probably pay a pretty penny!” 

Guy felt annoyed at this point. It was one of those times, like when you stub your toe minutes before you have to take a interview for a job on the phone, and then your toast burns and stinks up the house, and the postman decides that now is a good time to get into a conversation with your neighbor who is restraining their barking dog in the apartment next door. Everything bad happens all at once. In this case, he felt like he was being pushed. And Guy didn’t like to be pushed. He just wanted to sit at home, with his new organ, and learn how to play inagaddavita amongst all of his plastic computer friends. 

“Thanks man!” Guy said. “This is really dope!” . Another car had pulled up, and a nervous middle aged woman with a small dog was waiting. Ryan noticed and popped back into his car. “don’t say I never did anything for ya man!” He said while starting his car up. The radio blared James Brown. 

Get up, (get on up) Get up, (get on up) Stay on the scene, (get on up), like a sex machine, (get on up)  

Guy looked back down at the beautiful code in the book. “What had Quicksilver become?” He thought. They had been so cool. Why did they have to just turn to crap? The woman pulled up and popped her trunk. She was pulling a dog carrier out of it. “Oh sorry!” Guy stated. “We’ve already got a ton of carriers. Maybe try Goodwill?” The woman, in her 40s gave him an exasperated look, and suddenly the carrier seemed to weigh a million pounds, and it was a major issue to get it back into the car. The rest of the day was pretty slow, and guy chilled out, on a nice fall day outside, and read ZXBASIC. 

[labgrownsteaks]

Chapter 10

“I lucid dreamed again, I’m literally almost a pro” 9 year old Erin said as her dad unwrapped the bread and dropped two pieces into the toaster. It was morning, and the golden hour of sun made all the shadows crisp and sharp outside. 

“What did you dream about? How did you start lucid dreaming” The father asked

“Ok, so this what you have to do. But you don’t necessarily have to do it” Erin was what would normally be referred to as a “precocious” little girl. She had this way with words which didn’t quite make sense for her age. 

“Ok, so first you have to meditate” Erin continued. 

“When?” The father said

“Before you go to bed. And this helps you more, you know, kind of get into the lucid dream vibe” 

“Ok” the father said

“And there’s this one type of music that you can listen to, while you’re going to be lucid dreaming. And I can show you that later” Erin said

“Ok, sweet” The father said as he grabbed a jar of jam out of a beat up old cabinet. The house was located near the airport at the time. Erin’s dad was in the Air Force, and they were currently stationed in a barracks in Chisuwick. 

“So, after that you have to get an alarm, and set it to your golden hour when you wake up. For me that’s 6 to 7″ Erin continued. She was now hidden partially under a blanket with only her head poking out. 

“Ok, so also every day, you need a dream journal. So you write your dreams then you’ll understand more that they’re dreams, and you know, like different from normal day life” Erin said

“mmmmhhmmm. You want a vitamin?” The father stated as he held out a pink Fred Flintstone in his hand. Erin bit into and continued with bits of the vitamin still in her mouth.

“So you lie on your back, and you put one arm across, and you put your fingers like this, and move them like you’re playing a piano. And you keep moving your fingers as you’re falling asleep. And then you may, or may not get into a lucid dream” Inka said

“So wow. That’s cool. Did it work? What did you do in your lucid dream” The father stated, now buttering the toast. 

“well in my lucid dream I went skydiving, went on to a huge rollercoaster, and then went to the beach”

“wow that sounds like a fun day!”

“It was” Erin said laughing. 

“So you went skydiving, and then went on a rollercoaster, and then went to the beach to relax?” The father said, now bringing Erin her toast.

“Well, no. The ocean was actually more like an aquarium type thing. And they were like Sting Rays there”

“So you went scuba diving?”

“Well, it’s mostly like an aquarium, but you can touch the fish. And then I saw Furball" Furball was Erin’s pet dribble. She lovem them. “I saw Furball, and he was like running around in traffic. So I said. ““Teleport to me now!”“ and Furball like teleported to my arms, and was safe” 

“Good job looking out for the hamster kid!” The father joked. 

“And I could also. Like if there was an object. I would say like, with my mind, come closer to me. And it would do” 

“Wow like Telekinesis?” The father asked. Now sitting down at the table with Erin. 

“What’s telkemosis?”

“Telekinesis, maybe that can be your word of the day. It’s like when you can move stuff with your mind” The father walked over to a long sheet of butcher paper which was taped to the wall. There was a calendar date on there. What was for lunch every weekday at school, some cartoons they both drew of each other occasionally. The bottom corner of the paper had a drawing Erin had made of Furball. Two black eyes and explosive sun ray lines  in brown and yellow. 

“Telekinesis” The father said as he wrote on the paper under the other words of the day which included “peripheral” “jubilant” “Teraform” “indigenous” “nostalgia” and “growth spurt”.

“Telekinesis” Erin repeated perfectly. She could often get new words on the first or second try. The father “Mikey” was all about discipline, but was also really playful. He was like one of those guys who works out at the gym 5 days a week, but also watches Kung Fu movies and is into the philosophy of Bruce Lee. 

“So yeah. You can literally just think of it moving. And then it will move. This doesn’t happen in real life. But the first thing in lucid dreaming is you can think of these reality checks to do. Like looking at your hands, or a digital clock, or realizing that you’re flying”  Erin began to laugh “Because when you’re flying, you should realize you can’t fly in real life. So if you’re flying, you’re probably dreaming” The toast remained mostly uneaten since Erin just continue jabbering away. 

“Chompers!” Mikey said pointing at the uneaten toast. 

Erin then continued. “So never think that you’re in the bed! Because if you’re at the beach, and you know you’re dreaiming, then you’ll think of your bed, and then you’ll go back!” Erin continued, finally biting into the toast. 

“Wow you really are a Pro!” The father said. 

“Well. I’m not the best pro, I’d say I’m about medium level. I know some other bad things you can’t do in a lucid dream. You want to know the dangers of lucid dreams?” Mikey now had his own toast, and was basically being held hostage by the conversation. There was no escape with Erin, if she wanted to share something, you were going to hear it. 

“So, the dangers of lucid dreams are. The first one is that you can’t look at mirrors, or think of scary stuff, because you can make it happen. And sometimes, people have lucid nightmares, usually that they’re being chased, and you can’t let the danger, that you’re running from, like, get you. Ok?”

The father nodded sternly in agreement. 

Erin continued “Because honestly, this can effect your mental health”

It was one of those moments when parents kind of get shocked by what their children know about the world. It was great that she even knew the term mental health. But it confounded Mikey why she was even bringing it up. 

“It can effect your mental health?” Mikey asked

“yeah, well, because if you let them catch you, it can be stressful, and it can like. You know, when you get hurt in your dream? Because that one time happened to me and it hurt!”

Mikey remained silent. 

“So, and the other thing is don’t kill! It aint good!” Erin said laughing now “If you do, you’ll probably turn into a psychopath, if you can’t tell the dream world from reality!”

“I’ll make sure not to do that. Well, thanks for the lesson!” Mikey had now grabbed his keys, and was getting ready to leave. Erin would spend the day running around the barracks with the other army brats. There was no need for babysitters. The barracks were completely fenced in, and there were countless other moms making brownies, and food, and telling kids to do this, and not do that. 

Erin looked up and said “So, those are just some tips. If you wanna lucid dream” 

“Thanks buddy!” Mikey said as he grabbed her head and kissed the top of her long brown hair. “Stay out of trouble! And remember to ask yourself ““Am I dreaming? Am I dreaming!?”“ today” 

He then checked his pockets, to make sure he had everything, yelled “Love ya!” and walked out the door. Erin was now plopped down on an old maroon couch and watching a kid’s show about whales on a giant tv that was also like a piece of furniture. It had bookshelves built into the TV set. The sun was coming in through a picture window behind her. She pulled the blanket over her head, and closed her eyes. Her fingers moving as if she was playing the piano. 

[labgrownsteaks]

Chapter 11

The sun shone onto Erin's eyes. It was beaming through the corner of a green tapestry which was crudely nailed above the window. She had an old beat up table from the local thrift store next to her bed, and behind her was a kitchenette. It was a ridiculously small apartment but it did the job. Atop the table were some printed out sheets, detailing the process of rebuilding a carburetor that had been covered with grime and dirt. Next to the sheets, the table was covered in various carburetor parts. Rings, springs, and tiny little screws. Erin had always been good at taking apart stuff and putting it back together. In the 5th grade she made a robot out of a remote controlled car, a vacuum cleaner, and some kitchen knives she called "Sucky". She entered it in the local robot war competition, and the upperclass suburban kids destroyed her, but the crowd loved the charm of her goofy robot. Everybody was laughing at it, and when the shiny metallic spikes from some rich kid and his "tutor's" robot finally impaled Sucky the crowd actually booed. One little girl even cried upon seeing Sucky all mangled and lying upside down like a dead beetle.

She had entered the competition just for fun, but among the attendants there was a man from Chisuwick Prep School, which encouraged her to apply for a scholarship, which she got. Her father was killed during a training mission, and shortly after her uncle Aaron moved to town to look after her. Her mother died in a car accident before she was even two. Erin had had a really tough life, but somehow, she didn't slip through the cracks, and the community actually propped her up. Upon graduating from Chisuwick Prep with distinction she was pushed to enroll in college. But she simply never did. She found out about this 1 bedroom apartment located in the middle of an alleyway for 200 bucks a month, and just took it. She had a considerable inheritance from her life insurance payouts, but still hadn't really touched it. Instead she worked a couple days a week at a Car Wash to make ends meet.

She had only kissed one person, Alli, when she was 16 and at a party of this rich kid whose dad owned a Cadillac dealership. The party was terrible, a bunch of bros smashing card tables, and yelling at one another. Her and Alli had been best friends for years. They snuck away from the giant Fuck Off house located right on the banks of the river and found a fallen tree in a cattail patch. It was unbelievably muddy but they giggled and finally sat down on the branch and listened to the party from afar. They hugged, and took comfort in one another's arms, and to be away from the chaos. Alli definitely knew that she liked girls, she wasn't sure if Alli felt the same. They dated for a few years, all on the sly of course, as Chisuwick wasn't the most welcoming atmosphere. Then when graduation came Alli ended up being swayed by some cult leader who was trolling for new adherents down at a local strip mall. That was Alli's ticket out, and she took it. Everyone thought Erin was stuck, but she wasn't. She just needed some time to breathe, and relax, and look at the river flow through her dumb little town.

She didn't have a food printer, or most modern modern day appliances. She preferred buttons, and gears, and things that moved. Every day she wore her father's watch, an old Timex that she had to wind every day. She didn't mind. Winding it was a way of thinking of her parents every day for a moment before she took on the day.

She threw on her hoodie and blue jeans and slapped her watch onto her wrist. Taking a second to move the tapestry to the side of the window to let the sun in. She gazed out onto the street, and looked at the 711 and crappy hotel down the way. It was sizing up to be a really beautiful day. Bright blue sky on a crispy fall day. Her phone buzzed, and it was Vitaman writing her. The message simply said "TODAY!" and she responded "YES!". Today was the day they were all going down by the river to trip. She put her water bottle and some packets of EmergenCee powder packets into her backpack. As well as her sketchbook, some markers, and a copy of "The Psychedelic Experience: A Manual Based on the Tibetan Book of the Dead" by Timothy Leary. It was written as a guide navigating the process of death and rebirth into another form. The text is a metaphor for the experience of ego death common to psychedelic journeys. She saw psychedelics as a therapeutic, and fun thing to do. It wasn't like she had to take psychedelics because she had a specific ailment necessarily. She just enjoyed them, and saw them as a recreational outlet that had also resulted in helping her get through a lot of difficult shit relating to the death of both her parents at a young age.

She kicked over her motorcycle, an 80 something Yamaha Enduro and made her way into the blazing sun. On the way to my place she stopped in the crappy hotel parking lot and got a breakfast buritto from "The Lady" . She didn't speak much English and Erin mistakenly thought her name was Abuelita since that's what all the other Spanish speakers called her. She later learned that simply meant Grandma. "Gracias!" she yelled over the sound of her motorcycle.

I had been up for a few hours already. I was meticulous with my planning for days like these. I wanted everything to be as good as it could be. I had my own backpack of delights, complete with glowsticks, a compass, my sketchbook, and a pair of walky talkies that also had built in radios. I was going to just bring one, for some tunes if we wanted, but decided why not bring both. I could hear the tell tale sound of Erin's machine a block away, and looked out the window waiting for her to pull up. The crow was on the branch opposite my front door. Just sitting there, looking. "Wassup buddy" I said, and the crow kind of looked back at me for a second before Erin came up the driveway and scared it off. I was wearing a black button up shirt, and black jeans, with black converse. I hadn't been aware of this when I was putting my clothes on, but she immediately noticed. "You doing to a funeral?" she said as she jumped off her bike. "Yep, David Hasselhoff died." I said sarcastically. "What! Who will hold everyone together without Mitch Buchannon around!" She walked straight in and immediately made herself at home at the table. "Anything else from Siri?" she asked as she unwrapped her breakfast burrito. "Nope, she's actually been pretty quiet lately" I said then continued "Siri, any tips for the day?" The little blue lights on the egg chased each other and then Siri simply responded "Stay hydrated, and don't venture too far out into the open water" Erin piped up "Siri we don't have a boat! We're hanging out on the banks today. Don't worry!" There was a bit of comfort and annoyance in Siri giving advice, as she never had a mother to tell her not to do stuff, the sound of an older woman seemingly "worried" about them caused her a bit of pain.

Guy came bounding in with a long walking stick. "What's up goobers" he said as he walked straight up to my food printer. "Hey Siri, can you print me some fries?" and the food printer sprung into action.

"So, y'all ready to go beaver hunting?" he stated as plopped down on the couch.

"Sure, you bring your bow and arrow along with your walking stick?" I said.

Guy made a motion like he was shooting an arrow from his stick and then grabbed his fries out of the printer. We all told each other the contents of our bags, and what we had planned, but we all knew that once we took that hit on our tongues, we'd be in for a trip no matter how much we planned. We decided it would be a good idea to have a lot of fruit on hand for some reason, and there was talk about a rope swing, but the water was far too cold to go into. I got some aluminum foil out of the cabinet and broke off three little tabs and placed one hit in each. Guy looked at me dubiously.

"Why are you putting them in aluminum foil? Lets eat them here. The river is just a 15 minute drive. I was a bit anxious, no matter how many times I had tripped before I still got a bit anxious each time. Acid had this strange way of actually relaxing me as soon as the actually auditory and visual hallucinations began I could go with it more. But beforehand I was always just excited, and anxious. Which are actually pretty much the same feeling.

Erin then stated "Ya, lets eat em here. I don't want to be driving around with a hit of acid in my pocket. Lets eat em go. It was 9:45, and we agreed to all take them at 10. we all wet our fingers and touched it to the little piece of paper before placing it on our tongues. At the moment we did this, there was this deep bubble sound which came through my speakers. Like a giant whale fart or something. Blooop. It said. And we all laughed about it, as we walked into the sun, and got into Guy's Chevette.

[labgrownsteaks]

Chapter 12

We are the robots

booop booop booop boop

Kraftwerk blared from Guy's stereo system as we made our way down to the river.

"I forget Powerade! Stop at Lure's Bait and Tackle!" Erin exclaimed as she saw the shiny gas pumps in the distance. Blue Powerade was our thing for some reason. Not sure how it started, but it definitely stuck. Guy pulled into the parking lot and parked by the vacuum and compressor on the side of the brick building. Erin ran in in an exaggerated fashion flopping her arms around wildly. We were both sitting in the backseat again. The front seat now had what appeared to be an antiquated computer case and an 8 track deck in it.

"Hey, whatcha gonna do with that case?" I asked Guy, somewhat sarcastically.

"Put a computer in it" he said blankly. Guy knew he had too much stuff, and it was a bit of a sore subject. I figured it would be better to just leave it alone, especially since we were all about to start tripping in around an hour.

Iside, Erin was in an altogether different predicament. They were out of Blue Powerade! The counter inside still had a plastic divider up from the pandemic a few years ago. Some places just never took them down. I thought to myself "Everyone was still recouping from those two years we all stayed inside, and under our masks outdoors. It made sense at the time, because, what else can you do, but looking back, ugh, it was awful. Once the pandemic ended it was like the roaring 20s again, and even the cops didn't bust anyone for the first couple months for weed or anything like that. Everyone was just so happy to be outside, and do people things again. You ever see a a group of Gorillas in a zoo? You notice how they're all flopped on top of each other. How they're playing games, and doing things as a group? That was us. We weren't angry apes. We were kind, peace loving creatures who just wanted to hang out, swing around, maybe eat some fruit, and relax. The pandemic reminded us of all that, and the connection that many made with nature during it didn't vanish either. Oh shit!" I thought. "Hey Guy, this is already kicking in" . Guy looked back at me, but it was like his face was also stuck in the same position at the same time. It wasn'y like he was in a strobe light, or some stop motion effect, but more like his head left a trail where it was previously. Stuck like a digital tv with bad reception and then morphing into new shapes.

Guy looked at me blankly, and stated "I can't drive man" and took his keys out of the ignition and opened the door. I got out too, instinctively walking towards Erin inside. God knows how she was faring. Inside Lures bait and tackle were rows of normal gas station snacks, a beat up bathroom door in the back, and right beside that were rows and rows of enclosures full of different types of minnows, and some styrofoam containers of worms. Erin was waiting in line, carrying 3 bottles of pink Snapple, a sticky hand that you could throw and slap on the wall, and two plastic bags full of minows. Her eyes were transfixed on the cashier, a scrawny white guy in his 20s with dark brown hair and glasses. I walked up next to her like she was a squirrel in the forest, trying not to scare or startle her.

"Hey, what are the minnows for?" I asked with a smile. She breathed sharp and quick like I startled her and then laughed. "Fuck, this shit is coming on strong Vitamin!" She stated. I repeated myself, speaking a bit quieter. "What are the minnows for?" "Oh, I'm going to release them. They kept staring at me, and I had to save them" Erin stated. " Nice... Guy can't drive. He's tripping balls, and went mute already. We gotta walk" At this moment we realized that nobody was waiting in line in front of us. We were just standing in the middle of Lure's Bait and Tackle talking like two weirdos. The cashier was deep in his phone, and couldn't have cared less. How long had we stood there, when was there someone standing in line before? These were all unknowns, the entire concept of time had just been thrown for a loop. We got up to the counter, and bought all our items before proceeding back outdoors. Every environment was like a completely different world. The inside world, and now the outside world. We wanted to get to the nature world, but now there was no chance. Guy had sat himself down on the corner of the vacuum and was staring at some trees through a chain link fence.

Erin approached him "Hey Guy, we can cut through down by the zoo, and still get there in a half hour. We're good. I got some Snapple"

Guy was not doing well. My guide instincts kicked in even though it was coming on fast and quick. "Hey, lets all just breathe for a minute" I stated as I sat down next to Guy. Erin sat down as well. For some reason I started talking like one of those people in a YouTube guided meditation video. "Lets all just focus on our breath for a moment. Get centered. Feel our chest slowly rise. Breathe in, 1 2 3 4 5, and hold 1 2, and exhale" We repeated this a couple times, and it seemed to be having an effect. After about 3 minutes of this, Guy made a bit of a gasping sound.. And then, suddenly, he just blurted out laughing. And then I started laughing, which caused Erin to start laughing. We were all there together by the vaccuum cleaner laughing our asses off. Erin was the first to speak. "I owe everything to vacuum cleaners. That's how I built Sucky, the robot who changed the trajectory of my life" We all laughed again at the absurdity of the statement, but mostly because it was also true. I picked up the hose of the vacuum and talked into it saying "Here's to you Sucky! We love you!" then we all repeated "We love you Sucky!" and with that, a black Lexus pulled up. Guy noticed the Uber sticker in the window and realized he had called it. "That's our Uber!" he stated, and we all rejoiced. We walked up to the Uber, Erin with her two bags of minnows, and the rest of us with our backpacks and Snapple in hand. "I'm Guy!" Guy stated as the driver rolled down his window, he nodded and smiled, and we all hopped in.

The inside of the Uber was another world completely again. Our entire environment had just got upended. The inside of the Lexus was spotless. Our driver, Abshir, was playing some sort of African pop music that was resonating in our minds. "What music is this? Erin asked as Abshir pulled out of the parking lot and onto the road. "This is Awale Adan, he's very popular in my country." I had resolved to just be quiet. Not saying anything, anything at all, beccause the giggles could come, and there would be no going back. I listened intently to the sounds and voices coming echoing in the car. "What country is that?" Erin asked "I'm from Mogadishu" Abshir stated. He continued "You know that?" Erin did know, it was the capital of Somalia. "It's the capital of Somalia" Erin stated. "Yes, very good. Most people here don't know it. They say Africa. Like Africa is one country" he laughed. "Mogadishu is a huge city, 3 million people". The phone on Abshir's dash lit up, it was a profile picture of a woman. "haye maxaa jira" he stated. Before continuing " Waxaan u dhawahay xarunta shidaalka. Laakiin waxaan ku imaan karaa meeshaada 30 daqiiqo gudahood. Kaliya waa inaad iska dhigtaa hippies-kan marka hore" Guy was transfixed on the road whizzing by. It was his only defense. He continued, the music was quiet, and the woman's voice in the background was gliding and beautiful "Haye waad ogtahay inaan ku jeclahay ilmahaaga. Waxaan ku dhamaan doonaa daqiiqad kadib. Ma ii baahan tahay inaan wax soo qaato?" We were getting closer to the boat dock, and could see the river through the trees in the distance. Erin held onto her minnows and was looking at them as the sun danced through the tree branches on the side of the road and into the car. "Nasiib ayaan u leeyahay inaan ku jeclaado. Horaba waan gaajoonayaa! Khamriga waan keenayaa!" and he laughed before hanging up. He then immediately switched back to English. The car had stopped near a ridiculous jacked up Suburban "So here you go. Have a good day!" he yelled as we all exited the vehicle. His window was still rolled down. Erin was walking by, minnows in hand, and he asked "And what you will do with those minnows?" Erin looked down smiling, as if she had forgotten she was even carrying them. She then said "We're gonna release them" . Abshir's face lit up "Hey, save some karma for the rest of us ok?!" he said with a smile. And with that, he drove off in a cloud of gravel dust. And we were all standing there smiling. "Wow, what a great human" Guy said. I laughed for a second but Guy was serious. He continued "It's like he's from another world. I don't even know what language he was speaking. And here he is, driving our sorry asses around" Erin picked up "You know in the movies, like those made for TV Vietnam movies that all came out in the 80s? There's always the helicopter pilot who comes in, and saves everyone! That's Abshir. He's that guy!" I was just grateful that we didn't have to walk by the side of the ro

ad tripping in order to get to the dock.

We walked into the thick Cottonwood grove beside the river. There was a sign at the start of it, detailing that the trail was a joint effort between the American Legion and a local boy scouts troops.

[labgrownsteaks]

Chapter 13

The second they stepped into the Cottonwood grove everything changed. The sinlight penetrated the leaves like a laser in search of a target. The leaves fluttered like sunlight on a creek at dawn. The sound of the road vanished, and the air felt thicker, and full of life. Nature had a way of calming everyone down. Nobody's brain could compute that just a few minutes ago they had been in front of Lure's Bait and Tackle. We were all in a completely different world, with a completely different set of rules. Erin hopped over a tree which had fallen into the pathway and looked back. We had never really planned to do anything, we just knew that if we were in the forest it was probably better than being in civilization. I remembered one winter Erin and I had eaten some mushrooms with the plan of going cross country skiing. But the weather just got too bad, and the wind was too intense, so we packed up and drove back home. We somehow ended up in Menards buying honey roasted peanuts. The power tools, and the intercom, and all of this civilization stuff seemed toxic. It was the opposite of how we approached psychedelics. Everything manmade felt a bit shallow and fake, whereas nature never ceased to amaze. We had formed a long single file line, and were all quiet as we ventured further into the woods. And this was fine, the best type of friend is one that you can be quiet with. Where those "uncomfortable silences" never felt uncomfortable.

A squirrel hopped from one tree to another, it's tail spinkling fairy dust down below. Erin looked back at me, smiling, and I nodded in acknowledgement. Guy was still in the back, he had wandered off to pee, and hadn't fully recooped from his breakdown by the vacuum cleaner. I walked up to Erin, and we both stared up at the tree branches, squinting our eyes. The squirrel had perched themself at the tip of the branch, and was looking down at us as if we were some kind of invaders. Erin broke the silence.

"It's ok little one, we're just passing through, I know this is your home. We' won't break anything I promise!"

The squirrel barked back. My attention turned to the river, which could be made out through the trees. I wandered off in that direction.

"Where you headed?!" Erin asked quizzically.

Let's go check out the water. " I responded.

Guy followed along, silent, and in his own world. The bank of the river was more like a cliff, with trees on one side. There was no bank per se, just a steep 15 foot drop off. I plopped down on a tree, and Erin and Guy sat down next to me. We all just watched the sun dancing on the ripples. As the light broke up into millions of little bits. It was more like liquid mercury, colors dripped and glided into one another. I exhaled deeply. Just then, a huge pontoon blaring Toby Keith came into view. There were a couple of beer bellied 40 year olds with their shirts off manning the deck, while the wives drank sangria. Their kids were towards the back of the giant floating living room, and both of them were wearing VR headsets. I wouldn't doubt if they were playing a fishing game.

"You think they're happy?" Erin said

"They look happy don't they?" I responded.

" I don't know. You ever see those videos of people who go to Africa, and they bring something for all the people in the village, and all the kids are jumping around, and just being kids. I think that's what happiness looks like. Pure unbridled joy. And the kids... They're just soooo kid like. Doesn't matter where in the world you area. Kids understand humor. They understand laughing with their whole body until they collapse onto the floor. I think that's why everyone likes kids so much. We get to see the world again through their eyes. They remind us just how much the culture has shaped us to see it how we see it."

"I think there's some truth to that. But those kids also have a lot of difficulties don't they? They have to worry about getting malaria, and they can't just get a football delivered to their front door." "Abshir seemed happy too" Erin replied.

"Sure. He did seem like a good person" I said

"I think we need to live without something to be happy. It's too easy to take everything for granted. Now people aren't even happy with reality. They can't even look at a beetle walking on a tree stump. You see a kid look at that, and you can see the wonder in their eyes. How closely they look at the antennas feeling around, and their rainbow colored shells"

The forest began to feel like it was breathing to me, and I was feeling a bit of anxiety beginning to creep in. I focused on Erin's words to help ground myself. Toby Keith was still echoing in the distance. She continued to speak, but I could no longer make out any words, I had focused on a gnarled piece of wood near the bank below us. Focusing on it, and felt like a thousand intricate knots that wrapped around each other like a bucket full of snakes. I looked back at Erin, and she was still talking. But I had absolutely no way of actually making out what she was talking about. I laughed at something she said, and then laughed about laughing at something. What was I laughing at? I thought to myself. I have no idea!

I looked past Erin, and expected to see Guy sitting next to her. But he was gone! "Erin!" I said. "Where's Guy?!" Erin began to look around as well, and called out "Guy?!" There was no trace of him. "GUY!" I shouted, standing up, while the whole world spun around me. We had entered another world completely. One which had a tinge of dread and uncertainty. We began searching around the grove with our eyes, trying to find a trace of him, but there was nothing but trees, and water. "Should we split up?!" I said somewhat frantic. "Of course not!" Erin responded. We continued to call out. But got nothing back. We walked the banks further into the forest, calling out his name every few seconds, but heard nothing in response.

Then we saw the river had formed a sandbar, and there was a person in the middle of it. "GUY!" I shouted, the figure didn't look back, it looked as if it was working on something. Plopped down on the bank of the sandbar. "That's gotta be him" Erin stated. We slid down the cliff, holding onto tree roots as descended, and took off our shoes. We would have to walk through some knee high water to get to the sandbar in the middle of the river. We continued to shout his name. "That's him!" Erin stated. "What is he working on?". We waded through the water, which was ice cold at this time of the year, and it felt hot to the touch. It wasn't cold. It was hot. In fact. What was the difference between the two? The silt squished between our toes, and it felt like we were in the desert walking. A wide open plain of water in front of us. Our friend in the distance, at some oasis working on something. What was he working on? He was bent over for sure, and he wasn't looking back. A couple jet skis whizzed by in the distance like hornets cutting through the air. "GUY!" Erin shouted again. Nothing. "What a goober" Erin stated as we came up to the banks of the sandbar, Guy was still a good 50 yards off. For a split second. I had a moment of terror. I thought about the giant beaver creature we had seen previously. I thought to myself "Why are we trusting Siri?" "How do we know she's even trying to help us!". As we got closer, we began to slow down a bit, both of us filling with trepidation about what we were going to discover. "Guy?!" Erin said in a normal voice "What's up buddy?" she continued.

As we got closer we could see that Guy was sitting in the water, and was playing with something in the water. A large form, that simply looked too big to be a fish, at least from this river. With a few more steps it came into focus, and Guy was gently caressing the belly of a large prehistoric fish. A Sturgeon which had seen better days.

"There was a hook stuck in his mouth. I got it out" Guy said. "He was washed up on the shore. Didn't want to be in the water."

I crouched down and inspected Guy's find. The gills were still "breathing" like fish do, but the fish was largely unresponsive. A barbed hook lie near him. At this moment, Erin remembered the minnows. She took her backpack off immediately and got the sandwich bag out, which was jam packed full of the silvery little guys that looked like a million pieces of molten steel against the sun which was beeming down on this unusual warm late fall day. Erin took the rubber band off the bag and released the minnows into the water. The Sturgeon's eye opened up and looked straight at all of us. A dinosaur from another age which somehow made it through the great extinction event. It was still here, and Guy was helping it live. The minnows scattered into the river, and a couple of them hung out near the banks, basking in the sun. Erin and I both petted the Sturgeon. "Come on buddy" Erin said as the banks of the river undulated and sloshed up onto our shins. Another pontoon came stupidly zooming by, it was being driven by someone in their late teens. The pontoon's wake kicked up the river, and caused the sturgeon to sway back and forth. The sturgeon's eye was open, and black, and looking at all of us, and we were looking back. It had to know we were trying to help it. In a second, as if it had been hit with a shot of adrenaline, it flopped around vigorously, and water sprayed onto all of us. It's tail slapped against the water, and the bank for a moment, and then it was gone. Disappeared into the dark river which flowed so quickly through this town.

"I think he's gonna be ok" Guy said in a calm, yet reassuring tone.

"Yeah, he'll be alight" I responded.

"Come on buddy" Erin said, putting her around Guy's big waist. Lets head back to the grove.

"OK" he responded. And we all made the trek back through the water, and up the embankment, and back into the safety of the shade and trees.

[labgrownsteaks]

Chapter 14

The cool of the shade was fresh. The light and color had shifted from the warm khakis of the sand bar to blue shadows and yellow leaves. If you've ever been in a Cottonwood grove, you know the sound. The leaves are thick like wax paper and fluttered relentlessly against the soft breeze. In the distance, probably a hundred yards away, was a figure. Guy looked back at me and and nodded towards the figure in the distance. He seemed like he had got a lot calmer upon entering the grove. I shook my head meaning "don't worry about it" back to Guy. Erin looked back, silent, and scrunched up her face, thinking "what are you guys talking about" . Guy nodded and and pointed to the distance, and the figure. Erin looked back, and then back at us, making a "What the fuck. Yeah, someone's here. What's the big deal" face back at us. I raised my shoulders, to say "I don't know, someone's just there. Just pointing it out", and Guy smiled and looked at Erin. Erin shook her head and breathed heavily, and walked towards a clearing. She took off her backpack and pulled the Snapple out. The lid popped nicely and created an acid echo inside Guy and me that was quite pleasurable.

Erin looked up, holding the cap in her hand, and nodded for us to read what was on the underside of it. For those who are unfamiliar with Snapple, they've got some words of wisdom, or "facts" on the underside of every cap. I took the cap into my hand, and Guy looked over my shoulder, scrunching his nearsighted eyes to see it. This was cap number 374 which read "Thomas Edison invented the word Hello, and introduced as a way to answer the telephone" . I looked over at Guy and smiled, he smiled back. Erin stretched and pulled some chips out of her bag before plopping down onto the ground. The blue sky in the negative space behind her was thick like blue jello. Everything was reversed, the negative space, or the "nothingness" of the world seemed quite tangible, while all the stuff felt like shadows. The trees felt like afterthoughts, caught in a painting all about the sky. The sky really is blue. It looks down on us every day, but we often forget it's blue. We go to watch sunsets , and marvel at all the pinks, lavender, and yellow that comes, but the blue is where it's at. The blue is great. You never get a text from someone saying "Hey, check out the sky! It's so blue!" but blue is great. Erin took a bag of Lay's potato chips out of her backpack and kind of shrugged. Guy and I looked at each other like "Whaaaaaaat" and held out our hands. Erin's hand searched in the bag for a sizable portion of chips, and the noise was so crackly and loud. Like a torrential downpour. That sound! But then it stopped. And Erin deposited a sizable portion of chips into each of our hands. We all ate the chips, and watched the figure in the distance, they were coming straight for us, and by "They" I mean there was something him the figure. Maybe a bunch of dogs. The figure was directed some small animals around him. Probably a dog walker. Guy became more transfixed on the figure, and Erin and I turned the majority of our attention to trading the bag of chips and Snapple between us. Salt, falt, SUGAR! That's all we humans want. And this combination of salty fat, and sugar was probably the strongest taste combination evolutionarily speaking. Guy had stepped in front of us now, and looked back at us, he acted like he was petting an imaginary dog. And Erin and I nodded, meaning "yeah, they're probably walking a dog" in between handfuls of chips.

Erin then pulled out an Apple, and I made a face like "Good call!" and she bit into it, and handed it to me. And I bit into it as well. The apple was ripe, and tasty, and bursting with juice. The jello sky was oozing between the trees at this point, and my mouth was full of grease, saltiness, and apple pieces. This was perfect. Seriously, what else can a person ask for? Being with friends, all on the same level of curiosity about the world, enjoying an apple in a Cottonwood grove together.

Erin whispered to me. "Are we allowed to talk?" and I nodded my head. And then she smiled at me. Guy looked down at us both like a father looks at a child who asks to go to the bathroom 10 minutes into a family trip. Then I started laughing at Guy's seriousness, which made Erin start laughing, which made Guy think we were laughing at something else. And he lifted up his palms and did that "What?!" face. He looked back at the figure. Getting closer. Whoever they were, they certainly had a couple dogs with them. Guy came into Erin and my bubble, and motioned for us to get down. "Why?" Erin whispered. And Guy put his finger to his mouth with the "Shhhhhhhh" sign. We all sat there, intermittently eating chips and sipping Snapple as the figure and dogs got closer, and closer. Erin looked over at me quizzically and I mocked Guy's "Shhhhhhh" motion in an exaggerated manner. The figure got closer, and we could see they were wearing a black trenchcoat of some kind. It was flying around in the wind behind her. Yes, they were a her. Most likely at least. She was skinny. had glasses. She was 30 yards away. She had an unusual gait, a bit awkward really. And there were some dribbles surrounding him. Must have been 4 or 5. No, must be at least 8 to ten of them. No, must have been at least 15. Closer. 10 yards away. She must have had 20 dribbles. All bounding, and playing, and squeaking like hairballs infused with elctronic energy. One of the dribbles had run ahead of the pack, and found our "hiding spot" , even though we were just sitting. I gave it a chip and it began to bark. The figure called out "Peanut Butter! here boy!" . Our cover was blown. Were we trying to have a cover? Who knows. But an intruder had just came into our space. Erin was the first to speak .

"Hey" She said

"Hey" The figure said.

"That's a lot of dribbles" I said. Stating the obvious.

"Yeah" The figure said. Looking down at the ground, her dribbles running circles around in pure delight.

"Want an apple?" Erin said. Holding out an apple, unbitten.

The figure didn't want to speak. And twitched her face, as if she was annoyed with the conversation. One dribble had begun to beg me for chips. As I put a chip into my mouth I "accidentally" dropped one for the Dribble as well. Upon closer inspection. I noticed something familiar about this Dribble. It was Cujo! I could see the repairs that Guy had made to them.

"Cujo!" I exclaimed. Taking them up into my arms! Cujo wagged their tail excitedly.

"I know this guy!" I said "I feed him sometimes when they come to my place! Little weasel!"

The figure seemed unimpressed with my familiarity with one of her pack. And remained quiet, staring at the ground. Guy piped up next "I actually fixed them. Some kids had gone after them with a bat or something"

The figure looked up at Guy, trying to read his face as to whether he was telling the truth or not.

"What's your name?!" Erin said in a straightforward manner to the figure. "I'm uhhh. .. " The figure choked on her words, and couldn't speak. "I'm uhhhhh." she continued stuttering. "I'm D-D-D-D-Da-Day" and she breathed out in an exasperateded fashion. "I'm D-D-D-Day-y-y-u" she breathed out again. Even more upset. Then just said it "Dayla!"

"Hi Dayla!" Erin said without missing a beat. "I'm Erin. This is Guy, and this is Vitamin" we kind of raised our hands like "Hi" and waved stupidly at her. But she couldn't even see our gestures. She kept staring at the ground.

"Just wandering around?!" Guy asked as the Dribbles raced around her like toy race cars on a track on Christmas morning.

"Sure. Something like that" She said.

I was snuggled up with Cujo, her soft fur was comforting amidst all the confusion and clarity. Cujo nuzzled her face into my armpit and looked up at me. Her big black eyes just wanting to be loved. "What an amazing creature" I thought to myself. Amidst all the crap that people made since we became able to synthesize biologically made entities with technology. Dribbles were one of the best. They were quite the sensation when they first arrived, nobody knew where they came from. They were completely self sufficient, and would only reproduce with the excess energy provided from the grid. They never knowingly took anything from the earth. Whoever created them must have been a genius. They were like cats, except with absolutely no environmental impact. They would eat scraps leftover, and were made with the remnants of energy left over in the grid that would just drain away slowly otherwise. They were designed to have zero carbon footprint, made completely from waste.

I looked over at Erin, who had an elated look on her face. The figure, Dayla, was still looking at the ground. She looked over at me, and mouthed the words "She....Made....Them...." and my face lit up. Of course, it was Dayla, The Dayla, everyone had heard about her. But there had only been a few instances where anyone had spoken to her. And there she was. With all her dribbles circling around her. I looked up at her, and simply stated. "I love your work"

[labgrownsteaks]

Erin was perched on the edge of her tree stump. The smell of fall hung heavy in the air. Guy remained quiet, and seemed to be meditating on a piece of tree bark he was slowly turning over in his hands.

"So, you realize you're like a mini legend in this town. It's really awesome to meet you! Do you live around here?" Erin asked

Dayla remained quiet, and continued to look at the yellow fallen leaves underneath her black converse. She kicked a couple of the leaves and dug her foot into the soil a bit. Then, as quiet as a whisper, she said "I was born here. Ya"

Cujo had curled up to my leg, and was nuzzling into my calf. Dayla continued. "They like you a lot" she glanced up a bit at me. "Yeah, Cujo and I are cuddle buddies! isn't that right hamsterhead!" I said as I vigorously patted her head. I couldn't believe the conversation was actually making sense. Somehow, through the acid haze, there were words coming out of my mouth, and they actually made sense. How can words even work? I thought to myself.

"Is it true you graduated from Stanford at just 14?!" Erin asked.

"Yes" Dayla replied.

"That's so cool. Good to get it out of the way I guess!" Erin continued.

"Sure" Dayla said as she gazed into the distance. "I gotta go"

Guy piped up unexpectedly loud, and blurted out "See YA! Great to meet you!" and we both looked at him a bit bewildered by the outburst. Cujo was now nestled into my lap nicely, and closed their eyes, her non existent chin wedged perfectly into the side of my knee.

"Ok. Bye then" Dayla stated plainly as she began to back into the woods. But Cujo stayed. Dayla looked up, shrugged her shoulders a bit, and continued on, with a dozen other dribbles hopping around her. She black silhouette again, going off into the distance. Guy continued to stare at the tree bark, and I looked over at Erin. It was then that I realized her face wasn't moving.

"Erin" I said. And then glanced at Guy. He was also frozen in time, staring straight at the little chunk of tree bark in his hands. I felt Cujo sit up in my lap, and I looked down, and she was staring right back at me. Instictively I stood up, looked to the figure in the distance, Dayla was gone. Guy and Erin were both frozen in time, and Cujo was sitting and looking up at me like an extremely serious gerbil. I shouted both of their names numerous times, and even poked Guy in the shoulder. Trying to see if they were playing a joke on me, but his body was stiff. The same for Erin. I rush of fear came over me. Could it be the acid? I thought to myself. I closed my eyes and breathed deeply. Opened them, only to see the same exact scenario as before. Cujo walked up to my foot, looking up. Under my breath I said to Cujo "What the hell is going on" and closed my eyes again. Hoping the next time I opened them everything would be back to normal, if that was even possible. When I opened my eyes, Cujo had jumped up onto the stump I had been sitting on. It was then, that I heard Siri's voice coming from somewhere, speaking softly "Vitamin, shhhhh" she said. I look around frantically but couldn't discern where it was coming from. "Siri?!" I blurted out. Cujo had hopped off of her stump and was in front of me now. Her eyes were normally a deep black with a bit of brown trim. But now the outside of her eyes glowed blue. "Siri?!" I said to Cujo. Cujo blinked their eyes, and then spoke. "Vitamin. You must stay focused on the mission which you've agreed to." How could I stay focused when both of my friends had been turned into living statues and I was talking to a cyborg hamster that some kid made on Crispr.

"Please Vitamin, this is an extremely important mission which you've been chosen for"

"Fuck your mission! I'm not doing it!" I shouted at the overgrown furball.

"You already are" Siri replied.

"What the fuck are you talking about Siri! Bring my friends back!"

"In a few moments you will be joining them." Siri said calmy. "I want you to imagine you're in a movie theater, and it's pitch black inside, and only a screen is before you. And you drift closer, and closer to the screen"

At this moment I felt my eyes begin to get heavy, and my body grow limp.

"You're floating closer and closer to the screen"

I was in the movie theater now. My body levitating towards the blue screen in front of me. "You're going to enter into the screen, and when you do so, you will taken inside a building. It's a large office building. Grey carpet, the smell of citrus cleaner in the air, and cubicles, and cubicles full of computers and family photos. "

I was floating above a normal day in a nondesript office building. All of the workers were sitting on their computers, and some were chatting near the copy machine. I looked to my right, and there was guy looking back at me. To my left was Erin. Nobody said a word. I know I certainly couldn't speak, and I imagine neither could Guy or Erin. We all floated above the office workers. A door opened in the corner of the office, and we floated through it, and down a hallway. Siri's voice continued.

"Welcome to Quicksilver headquarters." Siri said in a somewhat sarcastic voice, knowing that she sounded like a corporate training video. And with that , we noticed our clothes had been changed into business casual wear. Guy had dorky glasses on, his hair was combed nicely. Erin had a black skirt on, a sweater and her hair was pulled back tightly. I was wearing a white button up shirt, with a blue tie with little intertwined bunnies on it. We slowly descended from the ceiling, and found ourselves outside a series of glass windows looking in on a warehouse sized room full of servers. A guy with curly dark brown hair and black rimmed glasses walked by, "Hey Guy Smiley!" he said as he walked by. They could see us. Out IDs hung around our necks on red fabric necklaces. A woman came down the hall in a brisk walk, and smiled at us, and I smiled back. She knew us. The servers, and the air conditioners in the server room hummed through the glass window. I felt my hand gripping my fob in my hand and placing it up against the reader next to the door. I was on autopilot. We all were. The lock on the door clicked twice and a light near the reader changed from red to green. I opened the door, and we all walked in. The room was awash in the white noise of servers and air conditioner units, and I don't think we could hear a word if any of us were yelling at the top of our lungs. We continued walking, turned down an aisle of servers, all of these LED blinking like Christmas lights around us, as we continued on. Another door, another key fob in my hand, locks clicking, light turning from red to green, and we were in another room. This room had been soundproofed, and there was three screens and a white desk in the middle of it.

I felt my hand digging into my pocket, and my pockets were full of these small little plastic rectangular things. Like little toys of some sort. Once my hand got out, I could see that it was a USB drive. Erin had walked up to the door, and was looking out, back into the sea of servers. Guy sat down at the computer and held out his hand. I gave him the USB, and he popped it into the computer. The computer sprang to life, and we were presented with a sign in screen, and Guy's fingers quickly typed the password into the keyboard without missing a beat. I stood over him, watching what was going on. In absolute fear. Everyone was completely calm, and collected. It was as if we had all been programmed to do what we were doing. I could see Guy had got into the terminal, and was typing commands like mad, as numbers and letters whizzed by the screen Matrix style. He pulled out the USB. Looked up at me. And we walked back out the door, into the noise of the server room, out the second door, we then levitated into the ceiling, out through the movie theater, and back onto Cottonwood grove. Guy was staring at a piece of bark, Erin was frozen in time, and Cujo was on my lap.

[labgrownsteaks]

Chatper 16

I came back first. I was lying on the cool forest ground, looking up at Guy staring at the piece of bark, and Erin frozen in time. Cujo was staring at me. I felt like I had a terrible hangover. All the effects of the acid seemed to have drifted away. I blinked my eyes as I pulled myself up onto the tree stump next to Erin.

"What the fuck" I said to myself. Cujo was bouncing around in a blur of fur, yapping away. They had picked up a stick and it stuck comically out of their mouth like a cigarette. I looked back over at Erin, and still nothing. Guy continued to stare at the bark, unmoved. I took a deep breath and whispered. "Come on Erin, come back. I can't do this shit any more" to which Erin promptly replied "Can't do what?!" and then she burst out laughing. Guy chimed in next. "What does it even mean to do something? You know. Like. Do we even really do things, or just experience them?" and then he began to laugh again as well. They were both still tripping. Erin continued "How is it that time even can exist? Like, if we have endless multiverses that our psyches exist within. How can time even be a thing?" Guy retorted. "It's a thing. You know that was actually in Pride in Prejudice" Erin looked at him befuddled and asked completely straight faced. "What the fuck are you talking about". The two then descended into laughter again. There was no use in discussing what had just transpired, Cujo becoming possesses by Siri, breaking into Quicksilver, Guy with the USB, and floating near the ceiling over an endless sea of cubicles. They had no recollection of these events, and they were in no position to hear my story.

The rest of the afternoon was spent lounging around in Cottonwood Grove, and throwing rocks into the river by the bank. Guy made a sand castle and diverted some water from the river into a moat for it. He had made sticks and used them as flagpoles and tied bits of candy wrappers to the tops as flags. Erin was working on scratching a drawing with a red lava rock she had found into a smooth large stone which lined the banks of the river. She was drawing a giant beaver. I sat on a large grey stone and had some small stones I had pulled from the gravel road nearby. I was throwing the stones in one by one. Thinking about what had transpired, and then tossing a stone in. Plonk! It was already evening, and the sun was beginning to lose its power. We wandered back to the parking lot, unsure of whether or not we'd get an Uber, or would just try to walk back. The time still wasn't right to bring up what I had experienced. Not because they were still tripping, the effects had begun their usual tapering, and everyone was coming back to reality. But because I was worried if I had said something, they would probably just think that I was tripping. The odd part was the fact that they were involved as well. Guy and Erin were kicking rocks and discussing an episode of The Next Generation where members of the Starship Enterprise were tasked with preventing an asteroidal moon from crashing into a planet. A beat up blue 1978 Ford F150 pulled into the parking lot in a cloud of dust and approached them. The window rolled down and we were delighted to see it was Mr. Halling, our favorite Life Science teacher from 7th grade. "Hey dinks!" he said with a smile. "Dinks" was the word he also used for kids in his class, no matter if you were good or bad. He continued on "What are you kids up to?" Erin responded with a big smile "We've just been taking in all the biodiversity here!" "Oh is that right?!" Mr Halling said, suspecting that we were probably up to no good in one way or another. "Well, how are ya gonna get back home? Sun's goin down. You need a ride?" Me, being the sober one at this point was the most overjoyed with this proposal. "Yes!" I yelled out quickly. "Well jump in the back then. Shelly's taking up the rest of the front seat here" he said, motioning to the old golden retriever. A cacophony of "Thank's Mr Halling!" followed as we all jumped into the bed of the truck. "You all still live near the Cathedral?" Mr Halling asked,. "Yep that's great!" Erin replied. "I'm not a taxi service but I'll get you there!" Mr Halling stated as he took off from the parking lot, kicking up a bit of gravel and dust into the air.

The sunset had become a deep purple at this point, and the cool autumn air bit at our cheeks as the truck roared down river road. Erin had her eyes closed and a smile crept up her cheeks. Guy stared off at the cottonwoods whizzing by on both sides of the road. The sun vanished as the streetlights replaced the tree trunks, and we soon found ourselves back in Chisuwick. Bouncing down the main street, and up into the cathedral district where we all lived. Mr Halling dropped us off and we stood in the streetlight in front of a large white Catholic church which had been made in the 1950s. Back then the "Future was now" and it was quite angular and modern for a church. It had a playground we used to play on when we were younger. We naturally made our way to it as we reminisced about the "good old days" which weren't that long ago. We jumped around on the playground, and went down the slide, and talked about playing "The Floor is Lava" when were younger, and how crazy it was that we could jump so far. Completely fearlessly just leap across a void. After a bit, Guy wanted to head back home, and Erin and I were left on the swings. She looked up at me and said "What's up? You've been weird for a while now" I was actually relieved that she had noticed, as it gave me an excuse to talk about what I had experienced. I jumped right into it

"When we were sitting on the stump. Did you...Like. Did you notice anything different happen?"

Erin scrunched up her face and shook her head.

"Ok. Well, when Guy was staring at the tree bark. I uh..."

And I spilled it all. Cujo telling me about the mission beginning, going to Quicksilver, and Guy uploading something in the server room. Everything. Erin was really listening too, perhaps she was maybe worried I had some sort of a break. But she kept eye contact, and was quiet, and just listened. It was this sustained eye contact, for some reason, it just made me start crying. I turned into a blathering mess. She rubbed my back as we gently swung back and forth, and I took a deep breath, looking up at the stars which had begun to shine in the night sky. Erin broke the silence.

"I had an experience too"

My fear of not being believed melted instantaneously, and was filled with another horror, and that was the realization that I hadn't just been tripping, but that something else was going on. Erin continued.

"Mine happened when we were wrestling with that sturgeon. We were underneath a long series of server racks, and there was cords everywhere. All of us had maintenance uniforms on. You had a tiny flashlight in your hands, and were unplugging and plugging in different Ethernet cables. I was just watching you, and it felt like I was on.." I finished her sentence with her "Autopilot" "yeah, exactly" Erin said. With that I heard a rustling in the bush near the chain link fence. I looked up to see two eyes glint back at me. I got up from the swing and made my way to the fence, the soft gravel under my feet. Erin was right behind me. Then I heard what sounded like whimpering as I picked up my pace. Once at the fence I knelt down near where I had seen the eyes glint in the light, to see a pile of familiar fur. It was Cujo, but they had been hurt by something. Their back legs were completely disconnected, and a glob of blood and wires were twisted together precariously. "Cujo! Oh Buddy!" Erin yelled out. Their eyes were looking right up at us, powerless and drooping. I scooped them up, getting blood all over my flannel shirt in the process, and brought them into the light. Turning her back leg over, I could see buckshot implanted into her muscles which had been torn from the tufts of fur which surrounded it. Someone had shot her with a shotgun. "Goddam those fucking rednecks!" Erin shouted. Thinking that some yahoos full of Natty Light had taken some pot shots at them. But i wasn't so sure. I lived only a few blocks away, and we all ran together back to my place.

I burst into my room and plopped Cujo down on my plywood table as if it were an operating room. Their eyes had closed, and she continued to lie there, "dead" on the table. Erin was done crying, and had a look of rage on her face which peeks out from her red eyes. I clamoured for my soldering iron under some shelves. I poked around into their flesh and circuitry, trying to see if the battery had been ruptured. Her memory chip was still in tact, and I popped it out, and tried to dissect the rest of the "salvagable" parts inside. Beside the pile of fur lied a series of different electric components covered in flesh and blood. I knew I couldn't save them, but I could reboot them if I worked fast enough.