Lacktoast.

We were all kids once, and we all said weird things to our teachers. I just hope I don't get fired for rewriting them here.

[lacktoast]

E told me she had a dream that she beat me in a french horn competition and I said 'mmhmm that's why it was a dream.'"

Sassiest French Horn Boy Ever

[lacktoast]

Me: Ok, before I can make you an account I need some information. What's your street address?

Freshman: I...don't know.

Me: You don't know where you live?

Freshman: Ah, no.

Me: Okay, do you have a cell phone number?

F: Yeah

Me: What is it?

F: I don't know that either.

Me: Ooook, what about an email address?

F: Yeah...but I don't know that...I don't know a lot of things.

Good lord

[lacktoast]

April: Y'all! Let's go to Vegas and gamble!

Me: April, you have to be at least 21 to gamble.

April: Ok...how old are you? 12? Ok, how old are you? 12? Perfect! Put us all together and we old!

[lacktoast]

"Would you like to donate money to help support the diabetic...people?"

Small child at my front door

[lacktoast]

I wouldn't go to that school next year anyways because when my dad was there, someone tried to light him on fire."

Girl with french horn

[lacktoast]

"Miss Susie had a baby She named it Tiny Tim She put him in the bathtub To see if he could swim He drank up all the water He ate up all the soap He tried to eat the bathtub But it wouldn't go down his throat Miss Susie called the doctor The doctor called the nurse The nurse called the lady with the alligator purse ...I don't ever sing the rest because I'm afraid of what will happen to Tiny Tim."

[lacktoast]

Trying to sneak one by me

French horn player: Hey Ms. Ginger, I get my new bed today!

Me: Really? That's pretty cool! A new mattress?

F.H.P.: Yeah! And my weapons!

Me: Oh! That's...horrifying.

F.H.P: Well they're for tae Kwon do. Not real life.

Me: I feel a little better.

[lacktoast]

I have a student with autism who I teach private lessons to on the oboe. His personality is...different. He speaks really slowly and makes up incredibly intricate stories (he said he didn't want to listen to me once because I was a robot). Today he wants to make an "Instrument Mayhem" video. There are teams. Team Strings (violin, viola, cello, double bass and the newcomer...harp). Team Woodwind (flute, clarinet, oboe, bassoon...where's the saxophone you ask? He wanted to be a newcomer but got eliminated). Team Percussion and Team Brass. Then he said there would be two newcomers, harp and piano. I said harp was a string instrument and piano is percussion. "Oh, yeah, but the thing about piano is, he's actually a dog." Oh.

[lacktoast]

Me fail English?

Girl: Oh look, he brung his instrument finally.

Me: Brought. Brung isn't a word.

Girl: This is band, not geometry. I don't need to pay attention to how I talk.

Me: And this is why I correct you because geometry is math my dear.

[lacktoast]

Dimples

Somehow the conversation moved to dimples today.

Girl 1: They like Sisqo cause he has big dimples.

Girl 2: I have big dimples! Well, more like a dimple and a half.

Girl 1: I have little ones.

Girl 3: Well mine are deep. I don't show them unless I want to. And I have one on my butt.

[lacktoast]

Financial Logic

A student just watched me receive a check from another student.

He pretends to grab the check

Boy: "Thank you! I'll just take that to the bank!"

Me: "You don't even know what to do with this."

Boy: "I have a coin dispenser at home! I'll put it in my coin dispenser!"

[lacktoast]

A child I have never seen before in my life just stuck a Gatorade bottle in my face after drinking from it and said "This is how sweaty I am".

I'm pretty sure my face is now frozen in a constant state of bewilderment.

[lacktoast]

Shake It Off

I'm playing Shake It Off since I'm trying to arrange it for our next concert. Some fourth graders hear me playing it so some start slowly coming into the class to listen (and sing along...ugh). A boy walks in just as I stop the music.

Boy: Hey what happened to the music?

Me: I turned it off.

Boy: Why?

Me: Because I was done with it.

Boy: Oh.

He turns to leave. Starts running towards the door at another boy.

Boy: Hey! Get out of my way turd nugget!

[lacktoast]

"I did my nails last night...they look SO pretty! Except all the polka-dots fell off! I thought I accidentally ate one during lunch!"

A very concerned sixth grader

[lacktoast]

Cheerios

*stops playing mid-song*

Flute: When's the last time you've eaten Cheerios?

Me: That's....an odd question.

Flute: Well I keep burping and every time I do it tastes like Cheerios. And I haven't had Cheerios in like, a year!

Me: Well, that was gross.

[lacktoast]

I like to call myself a happy camper. Unless I get mad. Then I get angry. Real angry.

Happiest-go-luckiest french horn student ever

[lacktoast]

I was walking down the hall the other day and a couple kids are walking towards me with something on a paper towel. I get closer and I see that's it's a dead monarch butterfly. I know the kids are raising them from caterpillar stage, so I feel kind of bad (like, a 2 on a scale of 0-10...which is still something). They get to me and I ask if that was their class butterfly. "Yeah, it died. We're going to show it to Mrs. Smith's class and then we're going to have a funeral for it. Everyone's coming." "To a butterfly funeral?" "Yeah our teacher is holding it. She's going to say a few words and then we're going to bury it." "During school." "Yep!" When we look at why kids aren't doing well in school, let's add 'butterfly funerals' to that list.