Re: Memories

his personal space to dump vague ideas

[ladnil]

the more distance i give the more i feel safe

[ladnil]

When the pattern repeats itself through different people, it gets too familiar. Too familiar that you are now used to it. And when you're used to it you will see it in a different lens at last. By that time you're probably already tired. But at least it's easier to let it go this time.

[neckkiss]

The Big Lebowski (1998)

[yoursummerdreamz]

[ladnil]

it's easy to blame the stars for wanting to feel your eyes on me; love, leo moon

[ladnil]

I really need to be reminded that it's sometimes better to step away. People has been treating me shit lately.

[sustancy]

[ladnil]

photo: MRT Boni Avenue

I'm here to complain about infatuation.

I'm a lover boy and it may sound fucking cliche or whatever but I'm already at peace with that side of myself. I like taking care of people I'm in love with romantically and platonically. And when my Leo moon needs attention, I ask my friends out for coffee. That's how it's been like for me for since over four to five years ago. It's been a while since I've opened myself up to the idea of falling in love. I started trying to genuinely shoot my shots just last year and make an effort to get to know people I find interesting. My shots were reciprocated initially but I end up getting told that they're already taken or they don't want to lose me as a friend if dating me won't work.

I understand but this is where it gets confusing.

They will still flirt with me once in a while and it's getting annoying. It's almost like they can't make up their mind. Or they just want me to be available for them when they're ready to try it with me. Or they just like the idea of someone having an interest in them. I'm fucking frustrated.

At this point, I'd rather go back in my own bubble and forget that I ever tried again. So just I can laugh about it. Even when the people I used to be infatuated with forget that I'm also human.

[ladnil]

Everything is still vivid in my mind the very first time we met. It was at a Starbucks and I was introduced to you by a common friend. We talked non-stop until the shop closed. We clicked. Funny thing is I forgot your one syllable name after we part and had to ask our friend for your social media accounts. And that's when it all started.

We kept on hanging out. You brought me to places I've never been to. You fall in line while I search for seats. That's when the yaya-bebe boy nicknames started. We went to see fancy furniture and galleries to window shop and daydream. We went to cheap cinemas either to sleep or scream to jumpscares from horror films we barely understood. We were delusional and it was fun. It was like there's no difference in our differences. Both of us were impulsive. Very young. We couldn't focus on one thing. And yet us became a routine.

I was very amazed at how mature you already were at a very young age. But when I heard more of your stories, I understood why. It made me angry and fall in love at the same time. You took care of me in high school and when we went to college, it became the other way around. You're always in love with all the people you meet and you were confused at how the world can be cruel sometimes. Your friends became my friends. Your heartbreaks became mine. We laughed at your failed grades and you snuck me inside PUP for some random reason. We went to gigs and create our little space where we dance and sing out loud. With you, it was easier to ask strangers for free cigs. We were the sidewalk benchwarmers. Our small world became a lot bigger and it was exciting.

Your medical condition hit us by surprise. I saw how you felt alone and weak. I tried my best to be there for you but I understand that there were times that my support can't reach you anymore. I understand the days you felt extremely defeated and I love how you tried to lift yourself back in many times. I understand you at times you just wanted to live another day. Please know that I'm thankful for this friendship. And for teaching me new ways to feel alive. I will miss you everyday. I love you.

[ladnil]

date me

[saleemahmed]

[chief-slap-a-hoe-deactivated201]

[neckkiss]

“You can’t change what has already happened, so don’t waste your time thinking about it, move on, let go and get over it.”

— Unknown

[1st-1]

[ladnil]

They only listen when they need to hear from me. When I’m fine alone is when they choose to occupy my head. They only see me for my potentials and not who I have become. They care as if they know me. 

[spectralsuggestions]

i like the concept of soulmates—not a “you’re destined to meet me, and love me” kind of soulmate, but a “i’d pick you, every time.” kind of soulmate. a “no matter what happens, and what has happened, i want to go through it with you.” kind of soulmate. a “i love you by choice, and you’re a blessing, and i’m going to continue thinking about you this way not because i have to but because i want to.” kind of soulmate. a “you help me rest easy when everything is difficult” kind of soulmate. a “in every possible outcome, i want you there, to share it with me.” kind of soulmate.

[ladnil]

a facsimile of you or maybe just a part of you, but even those that you consider your flaws are what make you whole, beautiful;

so maybe

just maybe, a facsimile of you