I am happy to see that 2018 has gone and that 2019 is here. There is something about starting a new year that brings a sense of hope that things can restart again. That life CAN be different than what you may have experienced the past year.
However, today was a good reminder that life doesn’t stop. That troubles, overwhelming feelings, and uncertainty can always creep up no matter what day or holiday it is.
Today, my oven stopped working. It worked just fine yesterday and I made dinner without any real problem. However, when I was getting ready to cook breakfast in the morning, my electric oven decided not to heat up. We restarted the breaker, unplugged and plugged again, restarted it again, and nothing but a continuous annoying beeping sound came out of the machine with a “F9E0″ printed on the digital screen of my beloved oven.
According to the internet world, my electric oven either a hard wire malfunction or that my outlet could be . The cost to get it fixed is still unknown...so far $75 from our home warranty has already been taken out and crossing fingers that it doesn’t become anything more than that.
We also found out that our car is acting up and may have internal car issues. We have to take it to the shop and hoping by some miracle it is a quick and inexpensive fix.
All of this was came on the very first day of the year. The very first day that should’ve started with feeling refreshed, hopeful, and excitement ended up with a balloon of being overwhelmed. Every time I think I’m ahead and have peace with our finances, something like this comes in a wave and I am consumed with worry.
The thing is, I believe we are financially good given what we are currently making. I truly feel that we are making just enough to go with the day to day. But when we are hit with something that was unexpected, that is when I feel my heart flutter or my stomach sink. I question whether we are doing this right.
So why am I writing this as my first entry? It’s somewhat discouraging to see how the year has started.
I guess the reason why I am writing this is to look back and see how God orchestrated this moment and how he was able to turn this around. When I look back at my previous worries and trials, I can see how God’s hand was there to guide us through.
I don’t know where he is guiding us. At times I am legitimately frustrated at God for putting such a burden ahead. I scream and pout in my mind, and I know that I am putting up a spiritual temper tantrum. No one can see it, but I feel it in my heart the kicks, the screaming, the crying, and the yelling at God to just give me what I want. As I’m doing this, I know that God is just waiting for me to cool down. To let myself tire out and waiting for me to listen to his voice.
God, let that day be today where I start tiring out my will and slowly melt into the arms of my creator. To give in to his will even though I may not like it. To sleep in his arms and trust that we are journeying somewhere together. I am whispering small prayers like, “Help..” or taking deep breaths and asking for patience. For taking a break from work to ask for peace. All small whimpering prayers.
So, 2019...you are finally here. I don’t know what you have in store. I don’t have anything that I’m hoping for. I don’t have any real life goals or resolutions. I am just hoping to see that through these moments, I can have something to look back on and to see God’s hand through this. Let me be reminded of how much he has taken care of me and my family. Let me remember how small I am feeling currently and that I am hiding in the shadows of his hands.
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