unworthy

Written thoughts. Monsters are on my head.

[ladyonred]

Oh, my heart

I am scared.

I’m not brave enough. I’m afraid of being hurt. I’m afraid I might break my own heart.

I must take care of it, So I can offer it back to my Creator— Whole and as pure as the day He gave it to me.

But I don’t want my heart to turn to stone. I don’t want it to grow numb.

I just want it to feel joy and find peace, To be genuine and calm.

I hope I can do that Without bruising or breaking it.

[ladyonred]

I can forgive; My heart heals

Yes, I am not brave enough, But I have entrusted my future to the will of God.

Yes, I am scared of being hurt and of breaking my own heart, But I know Jesus is carrying me every step of the way.

Yes, I don't want my heart to become cold, stone-like, and numb, So I have learned to forgive and love without expecting anything in return.

I am humbly proud of myself. Being afraid of breaking has drawn me closer to faith, Teaching me to seek forgiveness so my heart can heal, So my heart can be cleansed, And so I can return to Him, Even in the lowest moments of my life.

[ladyonred]

Oh, my heart

I am scared.

I’m not brave enough. I’m afraid of being hurt. I’m afraid I might break my own heart.

I must take care of it, So I can offer it back to my Creator— Whole and as pure as the day He gave it to me.

But I don’t want my heart to turn to stone. I don’t want it to grow numb.

I just want it to feel joy and find peace, To be genuine and calm.

I hope I can do that Without bruising or breaking it.

[ladyonred]

Battle inside

"I'm not ready"

"Let's cut it off"

"I can't be in a relationship"

Demons in my head are whispering,

Silence I gave, so I could clearly think.

Is this really a demon in my head?

Or a reality that I want to make?

A sigh does not mean I'm tired.

It's an act of offering and surrendering myself.

Most especially to the uncontrollable things,

Things that I'm not capable of.

I don't really know what I want, as I honestly whisper to myself back.

I just also don't want to feel obligated and unhappy at the same time.

I just also don't want to demand and make someone uncomfortable.

I think what I want is to just feel the rivers flow naturally,

Just like the sea and deep ocean calms and ragged on their seasons.

I want the wind naturally blows my face and soothe my skin and not a cooling machine that would make me sick afterwards.

Are these things a reality or just a dream and fantasy?

Is this really happening in a real world or it's just what's inside my head?

Please, help me think and clearly see,

What should be the reality?

[ladyonred]

"Not my will, but yours be done."

Author: ladyonred

I want to take the course where I think I fit in, but I am unable to. I want to go to my dream school, but I am not privilage enough. I want to be in a relationship, but I can't find my soulmate. I want to have it now, but time is not yet right.

A lot of wants and unable to. Unseen graces and incontentment. We are people, we do dream big and work hard, But why things don't go so well?

You forgot one important thing, my dear. It is to offer all of these things to Him. The source of everything, The creator, our Father, Who will give all of these to you.

There's nothing wrong with dreaming big and working hard, But don't forget to pray faithfully to our God. He loves you so much and He knows you more than you know. He gives you the best and sometimes put you on the test.

But don't worry my friend, He keeps His promise to be with you even at test. Remember, that He will not put you to harm, Because He loves you so much and you have a special place on His heart.

The uncertainties you are facing, The heavy load you are carrying, Your wantedness to fix everything, Dark path and lost is what you are feeling.

Brother, take a deep breath and calm down. Allow me to lead you to Him by praying, "Father, Not my will, but yours be done. I trust everything to you because you are my God. Not my will, but yours be done."

[ladyonred]

DAYUHAN AKO SA AKING SARILING BANSA. (I AM A FOREIGNER IN MY OWN COUNTRY)

How could I not communicate properly in my own country? I was born and raised in Metro Manila, specifically. My mom and dad are Waray and Bisaya, but my siblings and I are not fluent in those dialects. However, they occasionally speak those languages, so I am somewhat familiar with them but cannot speak them fluently. I am fluent in Tagalog and English, but I often wish I knew more about the other dialects spoken in the Philippines.

I have traveled to various places for both leisure and church missions, including Davao, Bacolod, Dumaguete, Samar, where people speak Bisaya, Baguio, where people speak Ilonggo, and Pangasinan, where they speak deep Tagalog. Not being able to speak these dialects makes me feel like a foreigner in my own country.

Do I also belong to those foreigners who travel to the Philippines?

[ladyonred]

I Broke Down

Remember this day, January 18, 2024.

I was just need to pee and went to church.

Realized, that it was Thursday, a public confession day, and a holy hour.

After peeing, I went infront of Ina Poong Bato, where I light my colored candles when I have spare money during sundays. I wasn't able to buy candle, yet I prayed, I cried, I seek for help, called every angel, saints, and souls to pray for me, I tried to listen, I think positive, I keep my faith, I hold on my hope, even though everything seems falling apart seconds by seconds, minute by minute, hour by hour, day by day.

I keep myself standing on the ground surrendering all the people who's in control of our thesis, to be able to finish it on time. As I went home, I got annoyed and doesn't know what to do.

Fabricator is asking for a second chance yet we have no time left and I wasn't able to discern. My mom tried to help me calling her friend for my thesis be consulted to another professional. Yes, it was a help, indeed gave me a lot of idea.

And there's always a but.

But can I afford to start again? But do we still have time? But am I able to refund the money from the 1st fabricator? But, but, and buts, but all I can do is to breakout again.

I thought I will only cry at the church because it's quite and no one sees me but the Lord. But again, but...

My eyes showered in tears, the feeling of being hopeless, anxiety attacks, pressured because of limited time, things I could not say, anger and feelings I couldn't express, and all I can do is cry out, loudly, infront of my laptop and my family.

I feel so week and still confused of what to do. I hope right now, whenever you read this again after a week, year, or decades ago, you're alright, smiling again, and able to fight and conquer battles.

This time, this is how I feel:

"I get so weak in the knees. I can hardly speak (I do). I lose all control (control). And something takes over me (takes over me)"

[ladyonred]

Read my past blogs and drafts

Ka-oa man ni Inday ba. Di rin maaram sa grammar noon, kaya ngayo nga ni, paalala sa present self na gumamit ng grammarly. HAHAH

[ladyonred]

First Meet Up

Isang lalaking pinakilala sa akin, reto kung tawagin.

Pinsan kamo ng ate ko sa simbahan, kung san lagi kaming nag kakakwentuhan.

Chinat ako sa messenger na tila nag papahiwatig ng pagka gusto,

Ako naman si "Go with the Flow" at nagreply ng "Hello!"

Sa chat ay masasabing kami'y naging magkaibigan,

Kaya't heto nag kaayaan.

Nagkita kami, sa palengke lang sa syudad para malapit lang sa tahanan.

Hindi alam saan gagala kaya ayon, kumain nalang ng inasal.

Masarap na pagkain at kwentuhan, biglang sabi nya'y punta kami doon sa tambayan,

Condominium daw na tambayan nila ng tropa nya.

Ani ko nama'y hindi ako pwedeng abutin ng dilim dahil tumakas lang ako sa bahay.

Sabi nya'y saglit lamang, at sagot nya na lahat.

Matapos kumain ay bumili pa kami nang snacks upang sa tambayan ay may kainan parin habang nagkekwentuhan.

Pagbaba ng Jeep ako'y nag alinlangan, hindi naman ito isang condominium na ani nya'y tambayan.

Ngunit wala akong imik ako dumiretso sa loob.

Pumasok sa kwarto sabay sabing "Bat tayo nandito? Sabi mo condominium?"

Alanganin ngunit ang sagot ay ganun pa rin, "Dito kami tumatambay ng tropa."

Sa isip isip ko, "baka mga babae ang tropa?"

Alam ko na ang susunod na mangyayari, kaya pala beer ang binili.

Alam ko naman ang dapat kong gawin, iyon ay pangalagaan ang bataan.

Naginom, nagkwentuhan, nagakapan, pero nang magtatanggalan, tigil tayo dyan.

Ani ko'y "sa susunod na lamang, dahil hindi pa naman ito ang huli."

Pero bakit ganon? Totoo ang aking mga nababasa, dahilan nila palagi'y "Di mo ba ako gusto o mahal, sinta?"

Gusto kong sumangayon sa sinabi nya, ngunit inulit ko lamang ang aking sinabi,

"Sa susunod na lamang, dahil hindi pa naman ito ang huli."

At dumating na nga ang oras ng aming paglabas.

Paglabas sa kwarto na tila ba'y walang nangyaring pamimilit.

Lumabas ng kwartong walang pagsisisi at bilib lamang sa sarili.

Marahil kahit anong pilit, nailigtas ang bataan.

Ito ang munting pangako, na ito'y pangangalagaan, hanggang sa maialay ito sa binigay sa akin ng maykapal.

[ladyonred]

Unanswered Prayer

Every time na papasok sa isip ko na "gusto ko na kumita ng pera pero di ko magawa", lagi saking pinapaalala ni Lord sa iba't ibang paraan na "'Wag mag madali and there's always a time for everything." Like, ikr naman po pero sana malapit na yung time na yun.

Minsan nakaka-ubos ng pasensya ang maghintay matupad ang mga dasalin natin. Lagi tayong napapatanong ng kelan. Minsan umaabot na tayo sa pagdududa, kung totoo ba talaga sya?

Madalas kapag sobrang positive natin we'll remind ourselves na, "Huwag kang mag duda, kasama sa plano nya to. Tiwala lang. Habaan mo pa pasensya mo, malapit nya na ibigay yan."

Hanggang sa ilang taon na ang umabot pero wala pa rin. Hanggang sa dumating ka na naman ulit sa pagdududa. Hanggang sa madagdagan na ulit ang dasalin mo. Paikot ikot lang at ang tanging paalala, "Magtiwala ka lang."

People might ask me if my prayers we're already answered, I might say, maybe? some of it, but the biggest one, not yet. I've been praying for it for so long, and I ain't stop praying for it until now.

It is because, He gave me things that I am not asking for and suddenly realized na I need it more. That's called a blessing.

At sa totoo lang, hindi ko na sinasama sa dasal ko na humaba pa ang pasensya ko, kasi baka lalo pa nyang patagalin. Haha Pero kidding aside, I still believe that my unanswered prayer will be answered soon because God allowed me to exist up until now and I believe that the only purpose of my prayer is to living a life and giving love.

Maybe our prayers are not yet answered, but let's take time to look at those things na we have but we didn't pray for, and appreciate it. Be grateful for it. Maybe it only needs to be appreciated before God answer you life long prayer.

Cliché may it sound but, don't lose hope, continue praying, and He will answer that on the right time.

[ladyonred]

On My Sickness

Kinda weird part of me, but every time I got sick, a part of me telling myself, "Baka eto yung reminder ni Lord na magpahinga muna, dami ko na daw kasing ginagawa. Nalilimutan ko nang alagaan ang sarili ko."

Realized na, totoo nga noh. Tuwing may sakit ako, saka ko lang concern yung iinumin ko, kakainin ko, oras ng kain ko, oras ng gamot, oras ng gising, init ng katawan, sensitivity ng sense ko, and many more. Unlike kapag okay yung katawan ko, ang lagi kong concern ay, tapos na ba ang due date, ano pang kailangan gawin, may gagawin pa ba next, kailangan ko gumising ng maaga kasi may gagawin ako, mamaya na kakain dahil may kailangan pang tapusin, at marami pa. I forgot to ask how am i and just concern of am I doing well.

Let us not forget to seek balance taking care of ourselves and our responsibilities. Sabi nga ng nanay ko, "Ano pang sense ng subsob mo sa pagaaral kung pagtapos mo mamamatay ka lang rin dahil sa sakit." Which makes sense.

Peace out! 🫶

[ladyonred]

My Little Old Desires are Granted

When I was in grade school, I had this desire to have a lot of friends that I would be able to vibe with, that whom I am comfortable with, and that I could show and share my thoughts and ideas. I was a very quiet shy little girl who just converse when someone started to. I am more like a listener than a storyteller. I oftentimes preferred to be a member of a group rather than lead. I seldom voiced out my ideas because I was afraid of being laughed at and judged. As time passed by, I got to be used to it and was not able to be confident with myself.

I remembered I had these little desires and prayers that the world would turn upside down. A desire that I would be able to step out of my comfort zone. A desire to have a lot of friends I am comfortable with. A desire to converse with strangers and make friends. These little desires that I wasn't able to appreciate until I realized today. That these little desires have been heard by God and given to me.

These are just little prayers but they had a lot of impact and changed my life. These are just a few testimonies that prayers are true, heard, and being granted, at the right time. God will never deny what you asked for as long as it would make you better than before. So keep praying my friend, have courage, strong faith, and believe in God's promises. ☺️😇

[ladyonred]

TAKOT

Natatakot ako sumubok.

Natatakot ako na baka sa pagkakataong ginawa ko, magiba ang pagtingin mo.

Na baka iba pala ang iyong gusto.

Na baka hindi pala ako ang hinihintay mo.

Dahil wala, wala akong nababasang sensyales mula sayo,

Gaya ng senyales na binibigay ko,

Mga senyales na hinihintay ko.

O baka manhid lang ako?

O baka hindi naman talaga kasi ako?

At sadyang isa lang akong delulu,

Nagaakalang ako ang iyong gusto.

Natatakot pa rin ako,

Sa pagkakataong umamin ako at hindi pala ako, ay hindi na muli kaibigan ang ituring mo.

Na baka 'pag ako'y naging tapat, ay hindi pa rin pala ako ang sapat.

Na baka kapag sinubukan kong umamin, at narinig sayo ang mga hindi inaasahang sabihin,

Baka hindi ko kayanin.

Baka hindi ko kayaning maging tapat muli sa iba kong mamahalin.

Alam kong kailangan maghintay ng tamang panahon

Ngunit ang pasensya ko'y nalulunod na at di na makaahon.

Pero kahit ganon, patuloy pa rin sa pagdadasal upang ang takot ay mapalitan ng lakas ng loob.

Ang takot na nadarama ay isang oportunidad upang mas lumalim pa ang pananampalataya, at tiwala.

Upang sa pagdating ng tamang panahon, kakayanin na nating magmahal ng walang takot.

[ladyonred]

MY GREATEST RED FLAG

Have you ever been in a lot of responsibilities?

Have you ever commit to every mission you think you can do?

Have you ever been in a situation that you just want to run away from those responsibilities and commitment?

Because that is my greatest RED FLAG.

STORY TIME

When I got at the age of 20, I honestly believe that I have the faith to do all things that I want to do. At first, I tried to do thing one at a time, twice at a time, thrice, until I was able to manage my time. Therefore, I have proven myself to do different things at the same time. By that time, I have three (3) commitment and responsibilities. In the beginning, I was having fun because of friendship, connections, power, privilege, and more. Until I reach this phase. I am getting tired of lots of people contacting me. Lots of calls were unanswered. Lots of different emergency meeting, service, and more.

It's very tiring to be in mission. To be always available to everyone. I did not make a promise, but I know I have to respond because I am responsible of it.

Maybe time will come, that my greatest RED flag will be green. Maybe that is when I learn to inform, and communicate well. To update and put barriers and limits on my capabilities. And to learn saying "No, I cannot do it" to people.

[ladyonred]

This will be my last night thinking of you.

I want to get over it.

So let me begin.

It was the night where the passion of art work reveals. And a very confusing sun said hello. It was said that communication was the key but it was never on my option to talk about the process of such act. But it was on my option to wait until the paid day comes that we could already talk about it and continue the rest, if the will does. However, the wind just blew so hard and my thoughts changed into a belief that it was not bad to just be honest and not expecting anything to happen next. I know it's never too late to be honest, but I never had a chance once again. The moon take a snap and suddenly I realized that I am the only one who's running towards him to talk about what happened. With all the nights I spent thinking over that passion then I just felt that he doesn't have the same energy to see me again, I feel so undeserving to crave for one on one talk and honest confessions.

I should be loving myself and thinking over that wrong thing is not healthy. Craving for his attention but if he does not do the same, is not a worth of time. They said, love yourself and people will love you. So here I am again, going back to my own goals, dreams, and self happiness.

Opposite attracts, but we are not. We are just two canvas who always met and competing each other but can never be matched since we're too alike.

[ladyonred]

What was your dream, and nightmare?

Have you also experienced walking alone in the middle of the road? forest? sea? or nowhere?

Have you felt exhausted like real where your blood and sweat are running down your veins?

Have you also encountered something you are very afraid of? or something you wished it was real?

Have you been in a very situation with someone you hated so much?

Or a situation with someone whom you wished to be with?

Or have you felt like nothing, the feeling of numbness or black through out?

Our minds are the workplace, playground, and school. There are a lot of things running around, but one thing is for sure, it is working and it filters what you most wanted and needed to think of.

We may also experience like we have no control to the situation, since it is the natural thing that happened and we cannot just accept it. But all we need to do is to wake up. Open our eyes to what is real and not cover in the sunlight.

Look around and breath.

We are just little ants waking up for food, grinding for shelter, and learning for better tomorrow. We may have the best dreams and the worst nightmares, but what matters the most is how we react and behave to the things we encounter.

[lostrosegarden]

Chrysler Alpine under the rainbow. 1977

[ladyonred]

Nostalgia

[siesss]