Musing in form of a mental note
I thought writing would be good, it's been good in the past when I have wanted to get rid of unwanted thoughts so it might work now. I had an idea for what I was going to write about and then when I realized I couldn't remember my password to my tumblr account I forgot all about what I was going to write because in order to get the password I had to login to an email I haven't used in a year and when I logged in to said email there was over 1000 new mails that I had to shift through. I found lots of interesting things and I completely forgot why I logged in there in the first place I started surfing around he web doing a bunch of other things +20 tabs and several hours later I regained memory of what I was supposed to do. So here I am. And this story above so well describes my life every single day and that's one thing I wanted to write about. From the outside it might look like procrastination but that's not what it is. I don't actually know what it is. A symptom of ADHD yes, a failure to use executive functions, perhaps? But what it is, is that it topples you. You end up spending so much time consumed by trivial things that you get stressed out doing the things that actually matters, and you rush through the important things. I think it is also that you want a feeling of being entertained all the time, I want something new and exciting happen at every moment of my life so I jump into anything that my brain can think of, not stopping to think about it. Just doing doing doing. Medication helps with this, a little but only if you ate something before taking it, because if I didn't eat before the symptoms of restlessness becomes even bigger and it's tiring to be restless, nothing is fun, nothing is worth doing if it takes more than seconds to fulfill. Everything needs to happen right now at this very moment. I can't plan things I need to headless jump into every moment. I can't save money, I can't wait for anything. I go on shopping sprees, I eat unhealthy, I do drugs (I actually don't do drugs anymore or drink but I used to), I constantly check my phone. I can't be in the moment but I am just in this very moment, I know it does not make sense, unless of course you are also living like that.
