C'est La Vie

You will not rise again. You are no Phoenix.

[laithlin]

Every time he looks at me with tenderness in those calf brown eyes I want to scream

[laithlin]

To look at a girl and see the monster, hidden right behind the eyes, teeth bared and hackles raised, is to understand the truth of our adolescence. We smile pretty, we cower from the dark, so you don’t notice the blood we trail behind us, the bones ground under sharp teeth. To acknowledge the beast is to acknowledge the truth of the need for it. To acknowledge the need to hide, to snarl, to smile, to rip, is to say, yes, we have ruined you, yes, you are angry, yes, we will fall beneath that rage.

[laithlin]

Don’t fall for someone you already loved

If you’re a coward

You will spend your life wondering if the dynamic can change

Instead of changing it

And then where will we be?

Nowhere, forever, or inbetween nowhere and somewhere,

But never moving, never changing, never enough

[laithlin]

I thought I dreamed you, because I haven’t learned the difference between a nightmare and a dream even now and I can’t stop thinking about your hand around my throat, about how I wish you would do it again just so I can feel something, about how every time I see a photo of you I think of how you were the only person I wanted to kiss even while you made me want to die.

[laithlin]

He comes around, And sets me on fire, And oh, I let him. I may as well bathe in Gasoline, wash my hair With lighter fluid. I may as well hand him The matches to do it. He sets me alight, warms His hands With my flames and I don't even scream. How can I cry when the tears evaporate before they leave my eyes?

[laithlin]

I want to be a Phoenix, rising from The ashes of my self-inflicted Destruction. Instead, all I can do is burn, burn. Until there's nothing left but The charred remains of my Former self. I'm so tired of being on fire. I just want peace.

[laithlin]

You only care when it's Convenient, neat, tidy. Bloody fisted, red eyed Screams are what you See when all I am Is tired and angry. I Didn't pull the trigger, I didn't load the gun. I just let go. And he Got angry. And it's. Not. My. Fault. And I'm. Not. Sorry. I'm only sorry that I Made the mistake of Thinking you might actually Give a shit.

[laithlin]

Send my regards to hell, She says, but what She really means is, I’m angry, and you’re Here, with your stupid Face, unharmed by the Destruction being wreaked Around us, and all I Want us for someone to Feel how I do right now So I don’t feel so alone, And what she really means is, you don’t Deserve me and you Never did, and what She really means is, Why do you care so little for me when all I’ve done is make Sacrifices for you. He just smiles, tells Her, I’ll see you there soon enough, anyway.

[laithlin]

What I yearn for is chaos, but what I get is weariness

[laithlin]

I bet if I kissed you now, it would taste of regret

[laithlin]

tripswitch

i’m angry and

at this point i don’t even know why

i knew i would hurt, didn’t i?

i braced myself for the blow but it

still knocked me backwards, crushed the air 

from lungs already overworked

expelling the water that comes 

from drowning in your own salt tears.

you told me two different stories,

in one sweet breath.

of course i believed the one that

felt like a caress and

not the slap.

don’t lay the blame for the pain that you caused at my door.

[laithlin]

You bite your tongue while she breaks your heart

[laithlin]

I never meant to hurt anyone

[laithlin]

He's sweet, kind and thoughtful and shy and you can see a whole life that he has a place in but sometimes you want him to stop being so gentle, to grab you and kiss you until you can't tell left from right, until time shudders to a stop even as it races ahead of you. He'll never be that kind of person though, you know. Maybe you'll have to be that, then.

Taking initiative; r.m.

[laithlin]

Just a girl, just a kid, barely old enough to drink You're too young to understand, they tell you As if you haven't felt the wrench of heartbreak already As if you haven't wanted to tear your heart out of your chest and set it on fire So that you don't have to feel anything. Is this what it is to be a millennial? To feel so much and yet mean so little? Too young to matter, too old to be comforted in your suffering and they wonder why we're so bitter.

r.m.

[laithlin]

sundays were the worst days for a while but you learned to breathe without her to think and speak and blink  and to keep the heart beating steady, so that sunday  could be just a day and not an affliction.

recovery; r.m.

[laithlin]

For years, you thought I was bulletproof; How else did I get up so quickly after people shot me down, time after time after time? 'You're so strong,' you used to tell me, the words gentle, awed. You always knew how to get my guard down, soft touches, softer smiles. I took off my bulletproof vest, thought there was no need for it anymore; how could someone like you possess the kind of bullets that can pierce through flesh and bone and soul? I guess that means it was my fault, your face after you pulled the trigger and I didn't get up, lay there gasping. You thought I was invincible, could take any hurt you threw at me, and when I proved you wrong, that was it. I'm still healing, but slowly. So slowly. You didn't stick around for that part.

Bulletproof; r.m.