While I’m still not back to roleplaying just yet, I have big plans for the hobby. One of them includes remaking this blog. Everything’s gonna look the same, but I feel like a fresh start is very much needed, and when it happens, I’ll post a link to the new account.
One more update on my life situation because I gotta:
Even though I still don’t know when exactly I am going to be back, things are looking good, great, no, even better than great in many aspects of my life. It finally feels normal again after two months of fears, never-ending concern and insomnia.
Hi, hello, in case you were wondering, I am still very much alive. But the past two months of my life, almost three, actually, have been extremely difficult.
Long story short, my family and I had COVID. That, in and of itself, actually came and went, we thought we all had a cold, and left it at that. In fact, we’ve had worse colds than that. Heck, I have had it worse before, way worse. In that regard, we were beyond lucky, even though we lost grandpa to pneumonia nearly 1 year ago (the 17th of September, 2020).
But what we did not take into account was, COVID has consequences. In my country, Russia, it’s referred to as Post-COVID Syndrome. And it hit grandma like a truck. It affected mom and me as well, even though mostly in the form of cognitive disorders, such as tremendous, suffocating anxiety. Grandma had that and more, and it all started with high body temperature which sometimes resulted in inadequate behavior, so much so that we had to call an ambulance once, and the doctor who had arrived said a COVID test and a full check were in order. Those were the scariest hours of my life, not knowing what was happening to mom and grandma while they were there (and they left with a bang, that was quite a fight), afraid of every sound. Luckily, they came back home safely.
From there, things were going up and down because first we were battling her body temperature and potential complications, then came cognitive disorders: overly realistic dreams, anxiety, insomnia, aggression, apathy. None of that was easy, and it took a great toll on everyone, including yours truly. I’m tremendously exhausted emotionally, and still not ready to come back to writing.
However, things seem to be getting better. Every single day is a step forward, even if I do not always find it easy to believe in normal life, to believe that it can go back to normal. But one day, I will be back for sure. One day, everything will be normal again.
crownlcsking said:
❝ well, now, don't you look excited. did something good happen? ❞
“My, it truly shows, does it not?”
Known for her stoic and nearly emotionless demeanor, Azura, however, was unable to withhold a lighthearted chuckle and only nodded in response. Excited she was, and much more so than she had ever been in years, much to the young woman’s own surprise. Only a few years ago the songstress did not dare do even so much as imagine that she could possibly feel so elated and impatient, and yet there she was, smiling as widely as she possibly could, full of life and hope.
Yet she would not allow herself to remain lost in thought, leaving the young man impatiently waiting for a proper response she had yet to give.
“This time of the year is not exactly what I’d refer to as my favorite, and yet the very thought of the upcoming holiday fills my heart with joy. I’ve got plenty of interesting stories to tell, perfectly fit for the occasion. Although I must admit, I have yet to decide whether I should prepare a more appropriate outfit or not.”
I really wanted to express my feelings somewhere, and as I do not really use any other social media, I’ve decided that I can write all my thoughts right under read more.
I find it hard not to think about the what-ifs that could help my grandpa avoid his untimely death. What if the doctors were not so focused on potential COVID diagnosis that they did not notice other problems that actually could be fixed? What if we forced him to quit his job? What if we were more attentive and assertive? None of these what-ifs really help the situation as death cannot be undone, and yet sometimes it’s difficult to brush them off.
And it’s all in these little mundane things, you know? Things our little world was made of that he will never do again. He will never call, he will never talk to us, he will never go grocery shopping or ask mom and me to buy his favorite food while we’re at it, he won’t help us solve conflicts, he won’t laugh or get angry, he won’t watch TV in the kitchen every evening like he used to. And because of these little things that for all 24 years of my life (and, imagine, even longer for my mom and grandma, with the latter having known him since childhood) had been normal, this apartment, which looks the same as always, feels somewhat foreign.
As my parents divorced when I was too little to remember, my grandfather was this strong male presence in the company of three women, and we all saw him as this symbol of strength we could all rely on. Just a couple of weeks ago he fixed some furniture in the kitchen and was very proud of the result. And his belongings are still all over the place, and sometimes I just catch myself standing with my hand placed on his bag just to feel the very remains of his presence to the fullest.
Our countryside house is where I was the happiest, and he looked after it until the very end, even though we told him to relax. And I never realized just how much that place is associated with my grandpa until I lost him. Because he loved it just as much as I do.
And I have come to understand that... I do not want to hear that he will be in my heart. Of course he will. Of course I will remember. But that is not enough. My heart is not enough. What is the use of it if I want him to be right here, with us, in person? He’s in our hearts when he should be here, and that’s the simple truth.
I know I will adjust to this new reality someday. I know I will live on and pain will eventually fade, making way to just love that has no past tense. I know. But logic does not seem to work well right now.
And it all comes down to one simple fact: I miss him. Greatly.
Terribly sorry about lack of activity, but lately my life’s been getting more and more insane with my grandfather being hospitalized and our family dealing with our distant relative’s ridiculous, false accusations, all at the same time. I am beyond stressed and so I do not know when I will get back to writing, but as soon as I feel better and our issues are out of the way, I will.
I was hoping to delete this post after my grandfather returned from hospital. Today, he has suddenly passed away due to sudden kidney failure, even though the situation seemed stable. He has been there for as long as I can remember, all my 24 years, and I cannot find the right words to explain how I feel.
Terribly sorry about lack of activity, but lately my life’s been getting more and more insane with my grandfather being hospitalized and our family dealing with our distant relative’s ridiculous, false accusations, all at the same time. I am beyond stressed and so I do not know when I will get back to writing, but as soon as I feel better and our issues are out of the way, I will.
dededos
kianamaiart
stormborns
pixelskylines
baratheonpilled
romaincrisis
annaxmalina
janainaart
blakekathryn
discoholicmusic
