Ma monstre

Defining my monster

[lamonstredanxiete]

In about an hour, I'm going to my least favorite place again. I'm just as scared as I was three years ago, before I had made a ton of progress conquering this fear. One thing went wrong last time, and now Sollicitatio is taking that and running with it. He's screaming at me DON'T GO and YOU'LL JUST FAIL and IT'S NOT WORTH THE PAIN.

I want to cry. Scratch that, I am crying. I have to go, I can't avoid it, but I'm just so scared. Even worse, because I obviously can't fight Sollicitatio on this one, I'll have to take my fast-acting medication to deal with him and I hate doing that.

[lamonstredanxiete]

Things have been going well for the past few months. Maybe it's because I haven't been in school for awhile now, but my overall outlook on life is much better. I have been feeling less and less like I was drowning in Sollicitatio's fog and more and more like I was once again a full person. Then again, I haven't had any real anxiety producing events since late May other than a few isolated incidents, so this is not to say that the battle is even halfway over. I suspect it never will be over, but at least, for now, I'm on the winning side

[lamonstredanxiete]

After that last post, and my visit to my least favorite place, I felt a weight lifted off me. It went surprisingly well, and because of that, I think I felt a renewed vigor for life and for what I hope to accomplish. I still don't feel 100%, I rarely do, but I'm no longer at that low point. It has occurred to me that Sollicitatio is in fact only wearing the one face of bipolar disorder, but I have ruled that out time and time again. The two faces of anxiety and depression make much more sense. Regardless, it is a difficult uphill battle still. 

[lamonstredanxiete]

I'm really done. I just know that I am going to fail again and let everyone down again and I'll be left there wondering why the hell I do this to myself all the time. I'm just...And to top it off, I get to go to my least favorite place on Tuesday, and I have been acting like tomorrow is Tuesday for nearly two weeks. I can't concentrate, I can't work, I worrying myself sick on top of being sick already, and if I somehow mess Tuesday up again, I'm going to have to go through it all again and then have wasted what little bit of effort I did put forth. I'm frustrated and tired and I want nothing more than to drop out and shut myself in my room.

I would blame this on Sollicitatio, but that's not true. I'm just a fucked-up kid.

[lamonstredanxiete]

For now, I have focused my efforts on fighting Sollicitatio's anxiety half, which unfortunately leaves me vulnerable to attacks from his depression half. Its a double edged sword. I can't fight them both at the same time, but neither can I let both rule my life. And unfortunately, they are two separate halves, not one disorder masking itself as two. 

With a new semester starting, and with the loss of a dear friend, things are not looking well. I have to reach a very high standard, but already I feel myself being sucked into the void of endless procrastination and a desire to just shut myself away.

[lamonstredanxiete]

The day after my last post, I went to one of my most dreaded places, hoping that things would be okay, I would be okay. I was wrong. Sollicitatio squeezed my head, preventing me from thinking rationally and injected so much anxiety into my body that I could hardly breathe without shaking or crying. The worst part of it all was that he tricked me into blaming myself. I felt ashamed, stupid, and angry. I never once thought to myself that maybe it wasn't all my fault, maybe my personal demon was doing this to me. 

Having run-of-the-mill anxiety is normal. Having a personal demon who runs your life and makes your life a living hell is not. I would be content at this point to have a happy medium, perhaps some points of overwhelming anxiety, but nothing that interfered with my life. With the amount of things Sollicitatio prevents me from doing, I am reduced to living less than half the life I could live. 

I know what I would wish for, given the chance.

[lamonstredanxiete]

With semester's end came a huge feeling of relief, for I had felt pushed to my limits. I felt if I had to spend one more day plodding along, pretending I was doing just fine, I was going to scream. There were days where I seriously considered allowing Sollicitatio full control of body, allowing him to simply break me down until I was kept away from others. Of course, I didn't. 

Now with the new semester looming, and other frightening prospects on the horizon, the thought stays at the back of my mind, ever-present. I know this is a trick set by Sollicitatio, I know that this is how he operates when I fight back. And yet, his voice lulls me into servitude. 

Why can't I escape him? I wish he would stop stamping on my heart, I'm afraid I'll have a heart attack.

The obvious answer to this is to call my therapist who I haven't seen in months, but I feel ashamed every time I see the reminder I wrote to myself.

[lamonstredanxiete]

Well, I can say for certain that Sollicitatio is still running amok. He is trying his damnedest to make me quit, make me give up, but so far I am fighting back. Every day, I feel like I am losing ground, but I desperately hope that by semester's end, I will have a chance to collect myself and regroup. In the meantime, I have a few more upcoming battles that I will hopefully win.

[lamonstredanxiete]

The one good thing that comes of being sick is my body is too weary to even deal with Sollicitatio. Therefore, even though I feel terrible from congestion and a sore throat, I actually feel the most calm and content I have felt in a good three weeks.

I also managed to eat a good amount today without feeling sick.

Sure, Sollicitatio is still there, probably shredding my brain to bits, but I can't hear or feel him over the buzzing of my sinuses.

[lamonstredanxiete]

Things have been mostly calm for the past two months. Whether that is because I am on vacation or because my medication is working again, only time will tell.

However, recently arisen is a new feeling of general dysphoria, like my body does not belong to me. With it has come a large sense of self-doubt and a feeling like I just need to scream and get out. I've never had this feeling before. I cannot help wondering if it is my medication, my lack of activity, or just me growing up.

All of this worries me. Is Sollicitatio gone, or has he transformed once more? Is he sleeping, or has he simply moved house, gone to the back of my brain where I can't reach him, an omnipresent sense of discomfort. 

I can never tell any more what will set me off, what will make me feel okay, and what is Sollicitatio's doing.

[lamonstredanxiete]

T-minus six hours to journeying in the air. My brain isn't processing complete thoughts and I feel sick. Sollicitatio has been roaring at me all day, not allowing me to fully enjoy one of the best days of the year. I feel like crying out of complete frustration and general anxiety.

[lamonstredanxiete]

I have lost all my appetite and can't seem to think straight. I know why this is happening but it doesn't prevent it from doing so. I wish I could just enjoy life and take part in fun things without constantly worrying and destroying my body. I haven't seen my therapist in weeks due to scheduling errors and vacations. I don't know what to do. Sollicitatio is biding his time, just waiting for the correct time to bring me down.

[lamonstredanxiete]

I've been feeling....Better. Sollicitatio still wakes up and messes with my body, but for the most part he is settling down again. At least his anxeity producing half is. Now the depression face is rearing its ugly head. I feel completely apathetic. I can't be anxious because I am too busy not caring.

[lamonstredanxiete]

Though the direct attacks have ceased for the most part, I still constantly feel on edge. Even now, when making plans to visit a park, my stomach pains me, my throat tells me I can't breathe, and every cell in my brain is telling me don't go. I can't remember the last time I felt perfectly healthy. Sollicitatio is constantly shredding my stomach and digestive system to bits, and I can't seem to do anything to stop it. I want to defeat him, but I can't even see him until it is too late. What do I do?

[lamonstredanxiete]

Tomorrow is a very big day in my household. I have about 45 people coming to my house, which doesn't seem like a lot until they arrive. Then all I want to do is hide. Sollicitatio is running the body gauntlet, making my stomach and head act up again. My therapist has joined in this fight, though she doesn't know how I have envisioned my monster. She requested I interact tomorrow, if only for a little while. It seemed like an easy task, but now I am not so sure.

[lamonstredanxiete]

I know I don't keep this blog updated. I think that is actually a good thing. It means things are getting better.

Yesterday, I went to one of my favorite places in the entire world, if not my most favorite.

When I got there, Sollicitatio took the opportunity to shove anxiety into every part of my body, reminding of past events that I wish to forget. I couldn't control him, and once again was forced to take my fast-acting medicine.

Unfortunately for me, the place was crowded and it left me so exhausted that I ended up sleeping for 14 hours.

I haven't taken my other medicine, the one I need to take every day, for three days now. The pharmacy will not refill my prescription until I visit the doctor once more. I think this is why I cried three times yesterday. I'm again emotionally unstable, but not so distraught over it. More apathetic. Sollicitatio is curled around my heart, blocking my brain from understanding my heart's emotions.

[lamonstredanxiete]

On Monday, I was expelled from one of my classes. Sollicitatio took the opportunity to burst forth. He trashed my body and my emotions and I was fairly unstable for the rest of the day. Strangely enough, since then, I have felt almost normal once more. I wonder if his explosion wore him out as much as it wore me out. I am not naive enough to think he has gone away completely, but he may just be lurking for a time. Therapy is still needed, but things are looking up for the moment. Sollicitatio may have reached a tipping point in my body that left me unstable until that breakdown restored balance and order for the time being. I am grateful for this time while I have it.