#sollicitatio

[pacific-rawr]

24/7: hey this person needs to die.

Millennium: aight I'll kill em.

24/7: hey this person needs to stay alive.

Millennium: fuck you I'm gonna kill em.

[lamonstredanxiete]

In about an hour, I'm going to my least favorite place again. I'm just as scared as I was three years ago, before I had made a ton of progress conquering this fear. One thing went wrong last time, and now Sollicitatio is taking that and running with it. He's screaming at me DON'T GO and YOU'LL JUST FAIL and IT'S NOT WORTH THE PAIN.

I want to cry. Scratch that, I am crying. I have to go, I can't avoid it, but I'm just so scared. Even worse, because I obviously can't fight Sollicitatio on this one, I'll have to take my fast-acting medication to deal with him and I hate doing that.

[lamonstredanxiete]

Well, I can say for certain that Sollicitatio is still running amok. He is trying his damnedest to make me quit, make me give up, but so far I am fighting back. Every day, I feel like I am losing ground, but I desperately hope that by semester's end, I will have a chance to collect myself and regroup. In the meantime, I have a few more upcoming battles that I will hopefully win.

[lamonstredanxiete]

The one good thing that comes of being sick is my body is too weary to even deal with Sollicitatio. Therefore, even though I feel terrible from congestion and a sore throat, I actually feel the most calm and content I have felt in a good three weeks.

I also managed to eat a good amount today without feeling sick.

Sure, Sollicitatio is still there, probably shredding my brain to bits, but I can't hear or feel him over the buzzing of my sinuses.

[lamonstredanxiete]

T-minus six hours to journeying in the air. My brain isn't processing complete thoughts and I feel sick. Sollicitatio has been roaring at me all day, not allowing me to fully enjoy one of the best days of the year. I feel like crying out of complete frustration and general anxiety.

[lamonstredanxiete]

Though the direct attacks have ceased for the most part, I still constantly feel on edge. Even now, when making plans to visit a park, my stomach pains me, my throat tells me I can't breathe, and every cell in my brain is telling me don't go. I can't remember the last time I felt perfectly healthy. Sollicitatio is constantly shredding my stomach and digestive system to bits, and I can't seem to do anything to stop it. I want to defeat him, but I can't even see him until it is too late. What do I do?

[lamonstredanxiete]

Tomorrow is a very big day in my household. I have about 45 people coming to my house, which doesn't seem like a lot until they arrive. Then all I want to do is hide. Sollicitatio is running the body gauntlet, making my stomach and head act up again. My therapist has joined in this fight, though she doesn't know how I have envisioned my monster. She requested I interact tomorrow, if only for a little while. It seemed like an easy task, but now I am not so sure.

[lamonstredanxiete]

I know I don't keep this blog updated. I think that is actually a good thing. It means things are getting better.

Yesterday, I went to one of my favorite places in the entire world, if not my most favorite.

When I got there, Sollicitatio took the opportunity to shove anxiety into every part of my body, reminding of past events that I wish to forget. I couldn't control him, and once again was forced to take my fast-acting medicine.

Unfortunately for me, the place was crowded and it left me so exhausted that I ended up sleeping for 14 hours.

I haven't taken my other medicine, the one I need to take every day, for three days now. The pharmacy will not refill my prescription until I visit the doctor once more. I think this is why I cried three times yesterday. I'm again emotionally unstable, but not so distraught over it. More apathetic. Sollicitatio is curled around my heart, blocking my brain from understanding my heart's emotions.