It's strange that I have been thinking about the death recently. Maybe because of someone around me. About the connection between people. How flagile it is. It is scary sometimes that I even see myself trying to suicide in my own mind. It is quite different to see it in dream. I think the problem with them is that they might just loose their consciousness sometimes. But don't worry. Just a matter of time again.
Also I am a person of "pictures" and imagination. That's my natural tendency. When thinking of myself I usually see me sitting somewhere looking frosty.
As people say, we deal with depression by sleeping and eating. Or at least, our usual habits will change.
I don't feel sleepy but I tend to sleep a lots. Almost fulling my day by sleeping. Sounds so useless. I don't eat when I should and I eat too much when I shoudn't.
Dad is going to retire real soon so he has been worrying about me. Last night I had a bad dream in which he did show up. But we were just yelling at each others so loudly. I was trying to kill myself to save some others also. It was hard even in a dream. I don't know if I died or not but after that, I saw myself sent to some kind of death river by a woman. Pretty sure that it wasn't mom. Someone that I felt so much love and sorrow from her. So much that I woke up and saw I was actually crying. It was 2pm maybe.
Instead of a healthy meal, I had two 7'inches pizza deliveried that I was so full until night before dancing class.
Sometimes you do it as your plan. But then it turns out that your plan is not what you want. Sometimes you meet people. But after a long time, they are still "people".
Somehow, all the successful "friends" out there, the not-yet successful ones, the anxious, the depressed, the happy, the busy ones out there in your life, make you confused. And then you try to shut down your own world.
You can say that I am a coward but I think just stopping too much to be not so weak for a while is ok. I won't do it anyway, but just say that "let's yourself free and reach your bottom to see how far had you go". Is it like cut deep into your hand and see how much pain you can handle? Guess not.
Headache is hitting so fucking hard.
Ever feel so suffocating that you think some kinds of oxygen equipment are needed? Much much more worse than dancing in an airtight room. Feel like dying maybe.
