on exhaustion (good), and the angry impatient cogs fiddling my with blood flow (bad)
the moon was just a sliver tonight. a tenuously thin line, an eyelid, closed and lashless and patient and eternal. she did not open. i dozed off in the carseat and i blurred my vision just enough to think the sky had one single, blossoming eye. it winked at me, one time, and closed again.
i am not asleep now, but staying awake rests heavy in my shoulders. i am not asleep now, but the moon shifts in the sky and calls me after it. i am not asleep now, but my friends are feet away, and i can hear their slow, deep breaths.
who could expect me to close my eyes when i am so happy so healing so smiling so light?
there is a brave part of me, that fell asleep for a while. that didn’t stand up when it needed to, and hasn’t let that go. its hands are gentle, but with a firm grip. it is vulnerable and it is terrible and it wishes it did more. it has come back to me, let go a bit, and shaken itself off. it is braver than it was before. it is bigger now, and no longer sits in my skin, it is somewhere new now, somewhere close to my ribs and my chest and it throws itself forward and bends them out of shape. it asks me questions, and i listen but can not answer.
1. “are you happy now? how could you be happier?”
2. “in which of your voices do you keep your comfort? why do you not know this?”
3. “are you lost? where are you going? hurry up and go there.”
4. “this is your fault. this is your anger. how do you fix it? what is the monster that drives you here?”
5. “why aren’t you resting? why aren’t you preparing for tomorrow?”
6. “do you love your friends? can you show them? can you do it right now?
7. “why aren’t you telling the truth? where does that shame lead you to?”
8. “are you feeling sexy, punk? you wanna fuckin’ dance?”
today i drank the ocean, felt my skin dry up and crack in the salt water, felt heavy in my bones, light in my heart, magic in my feet, sunlight in my eyes, joy in my teeth. today i sang along in a car, like they do in the movies, and the books, and the songs. today i smiled so much, the smile i don’t like seeing in pictures, the huge one which makes my face all gums. but today, it didn’t matter, it didn’t matter because i was loved, it didn’t matter because i loved, it still doesn’t matter because i love every individual sunbeam and every wispy cloud that catches them.
my soul is seven years old today, loud and sticky and covered in dirt and beaming, and i am ready to be loved again
germansingergirl
s-u-f-j-a-n-s-t-e-v-e-n-s
ellievsbear
gummygunk
origamiaround
