lankonu kaneta

the realms of the pen unknown

[lankonu]

The F word

The word “faggot” hurts. 

Not because I know it’s true. Not because I’m gay. I’m not even sure if I am at this point. But because it’s offensive and people who use it are those who’d rather hurt your feelings that admit that maybe they’re wrong.

People who use the word faggot are those who believe in their subconscious that they're better than someone who’s different than they are. They’re people who thrive off of making people feel small so that they can feel big. They’re people who can’t accept that they’re hurting. 

They’re all bullies. 

I remember when I transferred from a co-ed school to an all boys school. The boys at my old school made all kinds of homosexual teasing towards me. They’d tell me how I’d left girls to go with boys. 

[amargedom]

“Some things you can never leave behind. They don’t belong to the past. They belong to you.”

—

[lankonu]

Mr Jesus can you save my life ?

[lankonu]

I’m calmly suicidal.

I’m not dying to kill myself, but if I had a gun

I would end me.

[lankonu]

To future me

You know me Its a quarter past 22 and you’re 5 months past 23 And you’re getting over the hurt And the trauma And I hope you’re doing better now We’re listening to Around 10 by DWN2EARTH

I hope you sent photos to those competitions I hope you sent some to magazines I hope you took the chances I hope you told that girl you like her I hope you stopped beating yourself up over what happened I hope you stopped regretting all those failed links I hope you stopped feeling bad for those anxiety attacks

Cause you deserve better

Please tell me that you dropped the mixtape And that you did the book you want to do I hope you’re closer to God Stay reading proverbs cause that’s our thing

I hope your relationship with your friends is better I hope you’re less passive And I hope you feel proud for your achievements Because you’ve put in a lot of work and you shouldn’t hide it Don’t feel cheesy for promoting yourself And do more to promote yourself

I hope you’re talking about God more And I hope it’s not just what they expect you to say Remember that He’s the one who’s carried you through this tough time I hope you’re using cannabis for the right reasons now, if you decide that you’re gonna start smoking again I think you promised mom that you wouldn’t But I know there’s a lot of pinky swears that you can remember too Your word is your bond But a promise made under pressure needs clarity for re-evaluation

I hope you try to please people less And I hope that you have a clearer idea of who you are now

You’re quiet And friendly You’re witty And flirty sometimes

And that’s okay

You like music But not how they like music You connect with it differently You hear everything From the emotion to the sound design You’re a nerd like that

You’ll find people who don’t make your interests feel like they aren’t interesting You’ll have that road trip And I hope you can live it instead of dreaming it through a camera

I hope you get better at taking criticism It’s never personal unless it is And even when it is

It’s only personal if you take it that way So don’t

Some of us are shrewder than others Let go of your emotional attachment to being heard And to being regarded

I hope you let go of letting feelings take you out of the moment Don’t use depression as an excuse to not say hi Cause as much as you don’t need people You need people

You aren’t your father At whichever point in the future this reaches you, I hope you’ve accepted that And don’t bother if they try to cancel you I know the culture put pressure on you And seeing how easy it is to be cancelled But they can’t cancel who you are if you don’t let them

Your mistakes can’t hurt you if you learn from them Let go of everything You’re not that person anymore Even if they think you are

Have some sex every now and then Cunnulingulize sometime It’s your strong point Don’t bother if they crack a joke at you They don’t know what they’re missing

I hope you know your friends love you And I hope you can make it up to them After being distant for so long They had their own woes And they’ll always love you

Let go of feeling entitled To any and everything The world doesn’t owe you shit You owe it to yourself to boss up So do what you need to

Listen to your friends’ music more They can’t connect with you At every level that you need to But you can’t connect with them too Friendship is a two way street I know you distanced yourself from the music you liked when it became popular And that you felt like they were on the wave because it was a wave But be happy that you can share something that you like with people And enjoy it with them

That’s one way to make friends

I hope you stop being afraid of death And everything that comes with talking about it I hope you realize that you’re not being hunted I hope you realize that you’re okay

The snow falls and I hope you just know that you’re okay

I hope you let go of feeling unappreciated Not everyone can love you the way you want to Accept the love how it comes But don’t take the bullshit they serve on the side Stand firm by what you know you deserve Take banter Give banter

Do something silly every now and then I hope you feel free enough to dance every now and then I hope you feel free enough to lend your voice to the breeze I hope you can look at your dad in his eyes and said “you did your best but I need to find a way to give myself what you couldn’t” I know you know it will hurt him but it will hurt you more if you keep giving him chances I hope you never forget the ones who held you down

I hope you know I love you And I hope you love me too

I hope you let her go Because she deserves more than you can offer Regardless if she can see it or not She’ll always love you but you’ll never be able to love her enough

I hope you embrace the love when it comes your way I hope you step out of your comfort zone I hope you take a drink with a friend I hope you take a drink with more friends Have some fun

Ask a girl to dance and when you do, ask her friend to if she says no Be suave Embrace your sexiness Embrace who you are Use who you are to your advantage Be polite Be respectful Be suave Something like Cary Grant and Sean Connery

Embrace who you are Crack a joke And say hi when you see a familiar face Remember to say hi when you see a familiar face Don’t be a stranger

Listen to some new music Get in touch with what’s happening in the world Shake yourself up every now and then Play some sports Call a friend Do your hair Swoon and croon over a girl

Get consent and do what grown ups do Cause you’re grown Stop wishing you were young and that someone else can fix your problems You’re growing up No sense in wishing you weren’t

So get that paper Get the work done Keep looking at new ways It’s all business It’s a world you weren’t ready for and it’s gonna make you uncomfortable but that’s where you’ll grow Take up the challenges You aren’t as privileged as you’d like to be as yet But you can be

If you just remember to do what I hope you’ll do

[lankonu]

Alone

I think my problem was thinking I was grieving alone

And coping alone listening to Bugzy and I’m realizing that i never meant to be the way that I was I wasn’t the only one who missed you but I was so fed up of sharing everything with everyone Friends, family and mental space

Am I wrong to have wanted some concern all for myself ?

Am I wrong that that translated to some sort of territorial mannerisms over things I couldn’t control ?

I never coped and I found it hard to move on cause the only person I felt could have helped me move on was the one I lost

On two occassions

He helped me be myself and she made me feel less like an oddity

One died and the other killed our connection Or was that me ? I couldn’t deal with the hurt I remember the rage I remember the pain And I remember the animosity

It was never over a woman It was over the endless boundaries crossed over and over and I felt like I just didn’t want to be with someone that anyone was close to you

And then I found you To say I don’t love you is a lie but I don’t think I ever saw us beyond a certain point and I never thought that point would reach as quickly as it did

I feel like I wasted your time but I did my best to respect you in a time when I didn’t even feel respect.

I’m grateful for what we had because now we both know the type of love we deserve but I don’t think we’ll ever have it with each other again.

I’m grateful for the lessons we learned together and I think it’s best to be friends for the time being because we always had the other’s best interests at heart, lovers or not.

And you. Sometimes I wish you would you would’ve defended me in front of them more but you were just as reserved as I was and I didn’t know what questions would help you open up I felt like loyalty was defined by no infringements on privacy I never asked more than you told and I kept what you told to myself

And I never felt like it was the right time to share my secrets I was scared of your apathy I felt like it had no boundaries I was afraid that your indifference would be extended to me

And it felt like you had traded me in Who wouldn’t It was probably more fun to be around everyone else I couldn’t get past my own life But then again Who could ? I’m happy that you have people around you now that you can be yourself with People to have fun with People that can give you the friendship that I never could I’ll always have your back though

And yours too Despite how you made me feel Despite how I feel you invaded my haven You’ve always been someone close to my heart One of my first friends Regardless how I could never see it from your perspective You were better at being comfortable in my space than I was at being myself in my own head It was your confidence that I’ll always admire I think my mistake was focusing on the downside of you all instead of what I could learn I was too self righteous and egotistical

I’ve seen your hearts and you’ve seen mine but we don’t speak the same love languages

And I’m sorry that I refused to accept that maybe we’re just illiterate for each other sometimes

Working on getting over my hard feelings and soft nature Working on getting over tough memories and easy excuses

Working on getting over me and preserving memories of you all.

[lankonu]

apart

I think you tried too hard to be someone you are not And as much as you wanted to be everything You tried too hard to be everything You were busy giving yourself to the world You wanted to be a father but at times, you were more like a provider fulfilling his duties while living his life You lacked a will to change For you, it was more like “as long as I do what makes them happy, then I don’t have to do anything else” And the alcohol and the inappropriate shit at times Like the way you spoke to women in front of me sometimes And behaved I didn’t like it You let your family take precedence You let them be your go to and you tried again and again to drag us there with you Over and over again

The way you let them speak to my mother The way you let them speak to Juliet You just let them walk all over us To be honest, you were too passive to be a protector I needed a father who could stand up for me and make me feel safe You would join in on the teasing And act like it wasn’t your fault too often I became numb to it After a while But that never stopped you from infringing on my personal space And nights you’d come home drunk and decide that that would be the perfect time to tell you you love me

I hated it

You’d be loud and obnoxious and touchy and I hated it You’re a grown man acting like a child and I needed someone to look up to I admire your approach to responsibility but the way you manage yourself is poor Poor with time Poor with self care And you use a lot of things for excuses You put your time in the wrong places and act like you have a world to take care of Things your friends never do You waste time and money And I used to think that you’d take care of everything I gave you the chance and it deprived me of certain ambitions and independencies But I see now that I have to leave the bare minimum to you and take care of myself on my own as much as I can I can’t wait on a man who takes the world as his responsibility And you’ve changed But the damage the old you did won’t erase that easily You were too busy believing that you did the right thing to see where you were going wrong You never do You don’t listen when people say “you’re doing this wrong” But people have feelings too And when someone doesn’t like something, it’s not a sign to convince them that they’re wrong about it You joined them when they teased me about mango You let your family take precedence And I think I detached long ago So many things I left unsaid because I didn’t want to be rude Because you do this thing where you play the victim and make people feel bad for speaking their feelings about you I never wanted to be rude But to be honest, I don’t like the way you handle things I don’t like the way you stroll into the office and induce stress when you’re stressed Even when you’re at peace, you disturb sometimes What is there to gain from being disruptive and impish? I spent a lot of time wishing you’d be the father I wanted you to be But you can’t be anything but yourself and I have to let that go You can’t be anything but you and I forgive myself for wishing you could be more But I have to be more I’ve made some of your mistakes but I’ll learn from the others

We both have to live with the fact that you failed.

[lankonu]

stunt

Not wanting to get into arguments

So used to being misconstrued and misunderstood Not realizing that my opinion is mine regardless of if they like it or not Not realizing that I am valid Striving so much for parental affection Wanting to be seen as more than just a co-parent Overvalidating myself Feeling guilty for being privileged

My father wanted to be more to us than he could ever be He wanted to be the saviour of the world and the father to his children at the same time And I felt like maybe if I tried to be like him Then maybe he wouldn’t have to be Maybe then he could realize that he’s not alone and that he can take some time off To be himself

But some men refuse to leave the ring where their demons are squared They box in on their thoughts and drink to feel some joy when the night gets rough I kept feeling like my dad would take care of it all Part of me was too afraid to tell him straight up that he couldn’t And with the anxiety And feeling like nobody would get me anyway

I stunted my own growth

I remember not wanting to put myself out there “Daddy got you” But for how long ? There was 4 of us and now there’s 6 and maybe more and I’m in a place where I just have to plot my own course I need to let go of that “Daddy got you”

If daddy really got me, daddy wouldn’t have made decisions that would make it difficult to have me

Dying for my parents concern, being so used to being misunderstood and misconstrued I had to do what I was told And I feared rebellion Because if I did, then I feared the others would have to endure it

And Mom was no easy tyrant And dad’s absenteeism hit hard

I was always the sacrificial piece in the family

For as much as I resented my sister growing up, I respect her and look up to her now Because she didn’t take the shit

People don’t wanna hurt you You grew up sheltered and got the worst of it I don’t know what happened to you

I only started going outside in high school And it was always “know who you are when you go outside” I always felt watched I always felt surveilled I never felt free

So much sheltering So much criticism Being a sheltered child with limited opportunities to socialize Not being able to invite friends over Not feeling like I should be friends with people that my parents would approve of Always trying to please my parents Avoiding people that I felt they’d judge Cause they judged me

So many friendships I let slide down the drain And then when I lost him, I lost my will to socialize I saw everybody move on And I felt like I was the only one there with my grief With my pain

I isolated I tried to move on I didn’t want to make the sorrow about him I didn’t want to make the sorrow about him at all

I put that into positivity I’ve been fighting so hard

I wanted to be a good example But what kind of example would I be if I betray myself in the process I lost sight of myself I didn’t do some of the things I wanted to Just because I was afraid of people finding out So many experiences I missed out because I was afraid that people would see

I let myself down So many times And I forgive myself for it

And my friends I can’t expect them to carry me They weren’t what I needed but I could never say what I needed I couldn’t expect them to

I wish I still smoked The weed makes it easier to feel what I’m feeling

But sobriety is what will push me forward

[lankonu]

I like weird girls Girls who don’t really fit into the typical definition of “sexy” Girls who know their freaky side but wear it with a bit of intelligence Does that mean that I should only speak to weird girls ? No Does that mean I shouldn’t appreciate other girls ? No I wanna hold you from behind And nibble on your flesh and send a shiver down your spine Press your back against my chest and wrap my hands around your breasts and say “close your eyes, I’ll take my time” Slide my hands inside your panties and caress you with finesse I want a girl who can take control of the situation I want a woman who can say “you’ve done enough, my turn” Embrace your sexual side, my friend Maybe then you won’t be so confused

[lankonu]

I haven’t I haven’t liked myself in a long time I haven’t loved myself in a long time I haven’t felt like myself in a long time I was called a paparazzi because I like preserving memories I started feeling like they didn’t want to be in my pictures at all Like they wanted the moment to pass by with no recollection of being there with me I wanted there to be no resistance to who I am but who I am is who I am and who will love me will love me anyway All this isolation has showed me that I need to learn to love me To accept me To stop resisting the path to myself I can’t I don’t I won’t I can’t even think sometimes

[lankonu]

I think I’m gay Or maybe I’m a queer of some sorts He came in to kiss me and I didn’t even budge I didn’t want to come off as “in accepting of the performance” But I didn’t like it Anxiety We sat and played music and I had No Rome on But I didn’t want him to get the wrong idea I overthought it Anxiety His hand found the leg of my pant and I didn’t want to overreact I felt like it was a friendship worth preserving But what friendship doesn’t have boundaries We don’t even speak now I was nothing but prey My eyes stray when I see them It’s an eccentric appreciation of bodies that look like mine Something artistic about the human body in its naked form In the way it teases its presence through the clothes that we must wear The way her body curves through the tight clothes The way I want to nibble on her flesh And slide my hands over and under her crevices I’ve never kissed a boy But if that be the way I must find out whether I like boys or not then maybe it’s worth a try Or maybe I should live my life without knowing For the sake of honesty lest any queries arise I can’t see myself engaging romantically with a man And that’s proof But there’s a side of me that’s curious But that’s what killed the cat

[lankonu]

Disappointed

Disappointed in myself

I’m realizing now that my self esteem was ruined out of false modesty Knowing that you’re good but not wanting to prove that you’re the best I was better than almost every other designer my age when I was younger I was a harder worker than most of the other creatives my age But I was too busy looking at the love they gave popularity Too busy looking at the love they gave those who deserved it Too busy wondering “will they even love what I love about my work?” As if I make work for myself

I wanted to make work for me I wanted to make work for me For me, my art was the only thing I had that I could appreciate without critique But why run from critique I hated criticism I hated it cause nobody ever took mine Nobody ever made me feel like my ideas mattered Nobody ever tried what I tried Everybody always knew better As if Everybody always felt like they had the answers As if Bad things happen when people don’t listen me And they still never did

Not wanting to ask questions cause they weren’t my business As if Who’s to say if not the person whose business you’re asking If you’re out of place then they’ll put you there You’ve been criticized and compared for so long that you fear it happening out loud Shit, you even did it to yourself and it’s the only thing you know how to do You’re a mess

I keep telling myself it doesn’t matter That it’s in the past And its all in my head

[lankonu]

It’s hard

It’s hard to find the motivation

It’s hard to want to make It’s hard to want to do anything that doesn’t help me express myself

Young boy living with grown man feelings Going through grown man moments Thinking bout all the love I could’ve felt if I wasn’t the way I was Listening to the music that kept us when we lost bro back in 2013 I saw everything in grey when he left us Now I don’t even want this degree anymore but this life is all I know If I go out, then what happens to me

When I get out of this rut, I’m taking over the world cause in this moment I dont feel like I deserve everything that I’ve worked for

Only way to make it is to believe in myself Believe in my abilities Believe in myself

Shit, I moved across the world on my own I’m still on my own Messed up my relationship for selfish reasons that I didn’t even know ran as deep as they did but it’s just another burden on my shoulders that I have to let go

Mom commenting on my stuff like she know I won’t give up She know once I put my mind to this stuff, I won’t quit So I ain’t gonna quit on me I’m not quitting on getting better

I’m gonna be a story worth telling

Shit, I’m already there.

[lankonu]

Egos Peaks

The shame did a number on my confidence

And I was always the smallest being around These man were confident giants and I’m a shy guy in the corner without a voice

Why’d I hide away the antilleanguisitics Need to be unafraid of the wit Be proud of your charm It makes up for where you lack in height If you don’t mean disrespect then why feel so disrespectful Who apologizes for wrong when wrong hasn’t been done Who apologizes for something that they anticipate they did wrong

And I’ve been missing out on ball Man I miss watching football But if I watch ball then my sleep schedule is done But why should I let the things I have to do prevent me from doing the things I want to do Streams are shit and the time difference is a mad ting

I wanna watch ball so I’ll start watching ball I wanna have fun so Imma start having fun Take it a day at a time and find a way to start being myself again And when I feel like I’m back to where I need to be

Well I don’t know for now Read my bible and find balance in the world I know Chill with friends in a world I know Have some friends in the winter snow Find the home I know Find the home I know

Social, emotional Castration of sorts It’s like I can’t even flirt I can’t even feel I should care less and speak more And keep it real I haven’t been as real as I thought I was And the confidence and shame made me feel like I was lesser

Made me feel like I was lesser Trying to make everyone comfortable Made me feel uncomfortable And trying to be the man that everyone needed around Made me disappear for too long But who do I need to be ?

I need to be a man to myself who can do what he needs And if I’m feeling your vibe, then I might ask you to tease They might just call me a dog, but that just means that they’re fleas

I’m gonna build a new me, but it’s not gonna be easy

[lankonu]

I am

I am not my sister I am not my father I am not my mother

no matter how badly they wanted me to be

Imagine if every good thing about you was measured in comparison to the things they didn’t like about everybody else I tried so hard to be a good son to them that I neglected my own freedom I neglected my freedom because my family needed me but my family needed a leader with a mind of his own

i was never good enough for my father I was never good enough for my mother it was always “don’t be like your sister” and never “you’re perfect the way you are” they didn’t want me to be like the other boys and I wanted them to like me so much that I didnt want to be like the other boys but I am like the other boys

I like having fun I like drinking rum and I love the copulation every now and then and I ought not to be ashamed

I heard “you’re just like your dad” and the more I think about it the more I realize that I don’t like my dad he cares a lot but he doesn’t do what’s right most of the time he tries to do what he think is right for the situation and neglects the wrong people for the wrong reasons

I don’t want to be the perfect son anymore I am the psalmist’s son

That’s where it started wanting to please my parents wanting to hear that good job cause they could never accept us for who we are only who they wanted us to be

I would never be as good as my older sister was rebellious I would never be as smart as the 100%’s I never got I would never be as strong as the strong boys

self esteem self worth self love self sense Self hatred self destruction

All because I was raised to please and I was raised to prove to them but I don’t have to prove it to them anymore

I am valid I am myself and I’m not the perfect son but I am on my way to being me I know what I must do and I know who I must work towards being I am better than everyone’s mistakes and I shouldn’t act like my flaws don’t exist I am flawed

I have a temper and I can be a bit shrewd I speak my mind in creative ways I’m stubborn when it counts even when it doesn’t I flirt like the rest do but I’m wittier with it and I shouldn’t be afraid of shooting my shot just because I hated seeing the way my father did it

I am me and I am accepting myself and I will be myself

in whatever way that translates

[lankonu]

earn

If they heard anything bad about me while I was out then I’d never be able to go out again I sacrified mental freedom because I wanted to be able to earn it why did I have to sacrifice my mental freedom to earn freedom

why should I have to earn my freedom I did nothing wrong

I cared too much what they thought I never felt like enough I always felt like I had to prove that I was good To my parents imagine having to prove that to your parents not feeling like you’re good enough to your parents not with grades not with behavior not with who you are

my parents put too much of an emphasis on their children being good instead of being themselves my parents put too much of an emphasis on being providers instead of being present in a world where I can’t leave my house in a world where I can’t leave my house

in high school, I could go on the road after college, I never had the time my father felt like being inside was better than being outside but what does being inside do for me

I feel like I missed out on a lot of socializing and character development by being inside all the time I feel like I’m too shy for my age I still struggle to say hi I still struggle to say “you’re cute” because what if that’s all I think of you and cute girls are too confident to be with a shy guy like me

cute girls would rather be with somebody they can be free with not a homebody nobody like me but then again, I’m a bit of a catch

you don’t get somebody who thinks like I do somebody who can do the things that I do how do I connect my confidence in skill to my sense of romantic self

cause I can be I’m a lover boy who was laughed for being a lover boy who was never appreciated because he loved too much

she chose someone else because I didn’t want to ruin things and now I don’t think she even talks to them but we speak now

I still love her

I didn’t want to miss out on love so I chose you and I feel like I wasted your time because I could never see us beyond what we had I feel like you’re perfect for a version of me who knows who he is and knows what he wants but that wasn’t me

but I still love you and I always will

that won’t ever change

[lankonu]

the manual

I never knew much about the road we’d roam the outdoors when the bell rang roam the streets and have fun laugh a lot I think I lost a lot of my will to be free when you left I didn’t have anybody I could enjoy the world with From since I was a young boy it was always about being a good boy being a big brother and I don’t feel bad about that anymore i’m just realizing that everybody I felt that I had to protect is grown now cause these boys knew how to fend for themselves they knew the cold roads they knew the roughness of life and me

I was too philosophical for the world I found myself in

I was a thinker in a world where decisions were good stories and lessons learned, regardless of the outcome I was too careful for that kind of life Every second spent thinking about the outcome was a moment I could’ve capitalized on Some reasons were too far fetched and I could never get the moment back

but these boys didn’t need what I had to offer and I internalized their opinions too much just like I did with general rejection anticipated or precipitated

to have a good time, I need music it’s the only thing that can help my mind when it starts racing and the music I was into just wasn’t what everyone else was

those who liked my music were a part of another group and I was already an oddity to leave would be to suffer being called “weird” and “sick” and those words would do damage enough

nobody to appreciate who I was and I was afraid that I’d misinterpret mere friendship as interest and concern for a different kind of affection it was like an emotional castration of some sort something to get out something worth undoing something that’s made it hard to feel attraction something that’s made it hard to feel something that’s made it hard to express affection

I feel too much I felt too much everything was too much too often

with my brother dead and my heart broken and my mind spinning disappearing every day was the only thing that brought me solace

the woes of a sheltered kid

sometimes I wish I didnt distance myself from them but they had their lives to live and who is me to ask them to help work became my only escape and then it became a stress

these boys knew the streets and the hard knock life the only thing I knew how to do was to be a good son and to be an older brother and it’s enough but I forgot how to be me

and who am I?

I’m the one responsible.