aren’t they both lucky things that fei has perhaps taught him too well, that the control he has with the curl of fingertips extends into how he touches her - how he doesn’t?
understandable, he had tried to justify it. how many lifetimes has he ended it for them? how many has he ruined, if not? wouldn’t you be tired of all this ember and ash, of having to clean it up lifetime after lifetime?
careful control, fei had always told him. too much results in nothing good.
he can see her looking at him with those eyes, knows that mind of hers is trying to find answers, tries to find feelings he has long since buried, lock and key underneath the graves of the people he used to be.
too much, he wants to tell annalise, stepping closer. please.
“shame. though it’s for the best - god knows if you tried to read me, all you’d get is constant annoyance and sleep deprivation.” he says it so easily, doesn’t meet her eyes. “and here i was, thinking i was doing you a favour - isn’t one less person’s emotions cluttering around that head of yours a relief?”
it feels wrong to laugh as of late, but still, she coaxes a short one out of him, shaking his head slightly at how upset she seems. “you’re tiny. and you’ve wasted your money on that pipette and whatever weight - i’ll show you a better way one day. that is, if your cookies don’t end up burning - and not because of me.”
he’s always been shit at ignoring her, though he does his best whilst dicing the strawberries into too-little pieces; tries to bypass the mention of fei and nothing, tries to bypass fingers on arms saying something he doesn’t want to read, tries to bypass how voices are light and forced through and he wishes he could bare his teeth at her just so she would leave.
(not that he wants her to, but want and necessity are rarely conjoined, and kian knows better than to believe himself exempt from duty. when it came down to it, do the feelings matter? so what if evie - if annalise - if dan - if fei, even - )
( - so what? when it comes down to it, what would you do for them? against them, if it calls for it? who else but you? who else could ever stomach such a thing?)
(best keep feeling out of it. he tries to keep the indifference around her words, but there’s a flicker of a scowl that’s misplaced in the nonchalance he’s so carefully left for her to read from him)
“not doing enough is being not enough.” he says shortly, leaves it at that. “grab the piping bag on the top shelf, please - pick whichever nozzle you’d like.”
there’s a laugh but there’s that worry, and his smile is a grim line at best.
“and if it was? you’d be the only one foolish enough to waste your time on even considering making that powerpoint. it’d be endearing if i didn’t know you were smarter than that.”
“ Oh, should I stay out of your way then? I’m sorry you find me annoying. ” Rolls her eyes, the smile playing at her lips belying her true state of mind. They’ve known each other long enough for her to see that his actions were often contrary to his sullen words. “ You know, I recently added more leaves from Japan to my collection, and I’m pretty sure there were some that claimed to help with sleep. ”
There was worry, at times, for so many of the council members who never seemed to sleep, and although she herself was guilty of the same on occasion, she’d at least been trying to make sure it didn’t happen as often. Wonders about the possibility of researching more into natural remedies to help the others sleep better at night.
She can’t deny, one of the many reasons she enjoys his presence so much is the reprieve it provides, not too much going on around her. She would never begrudge someone their emotions, and there is never any resentment for the rest of the council whenever she interacts with them, but it is nice to have some tranquility.
“ I’m not going to say no to that. ” And the smile on her lips is now a little softer, the gratefulness for the sanctuary being around him provides leaking into it. But there is always that feeling of wanting to know why, why he is the only one she can’t read, just like with how she can’t fathom why her baking attempts always fail.
“ But, ” she continues as she pulls over a stool to sit on, one for him as well. “ I do wish I knew what you were feeling at times. ” It is not mere curiosity at this point, it is the feeling, even though she can’t actually feel, doesn’t have concrete proof, doesn’t event have any evidence to back it up, but that feeling that he affects a facade at times, buries things away, and there is something in her that wants to know that part of him.
( And yet it is merely a gut feeling, one that has no basis to stand on, and she has always been one who needs a rationale, forms of evidence, that opinions cannot just be based on mere feelings. )
Glares at him at the mention of her height, again, and stands on the bar of the stool in an attempt to bring herself to the same height as him. ( It doesn’t work. ) “ Hey! I am not tiny, you’re just a giant. I’ll have you know, the average height of women in the world is 5′3″, and I’m 5′3″. ”
And suddenly her gaze turns suspicious, arms crossed and eyes slightly narrowed, a form of an idea taking shape in her head. “ That sounds awfully shady ... Kian, you haven’t been sabotaging my cookies, have you? ” Which, honestly might make a little sense because there’s no way someone who measures ingredients down to milligrams and uses a timer that counts down milliseconds could burn cookies all the damn time.
But that is not the important thing at this time, not when, even as she wishes she could convince him of what she was saying, that she catches the barely there scowl that mars his face, there for less than half a second, but it is enough for her to know to back off, because a concealed grimace is worse than one openly displayed.
( There are so many things that could be said to refute that, that if he is not doing enough, then are any of them really doing enough? That there are different levels of measuring what is considered enough, but — it would perhaps not be the best idea right now. )
A pause as she processes this, and an evaluating gaze, but eventually there is a little sigh, fingers reluctantly leaving his arm.
Half wonders if he did this on purpose, but because she can’t reach the top shelf even on tiptoes, decides to forego walking around to get to the stools and hops onto the counter to reach up and pick one of the closed star nozzles.
“ I am smart. And therefore I say that it would only be a waste of time if you don’t appreciate it. ” This is said in a matter of fact tone, no arrogance or ego involved, because she sees it as a reality, and there is no need for false humility or exaggeration. But she turns too fast when he says this, still standing on the counter, and she almost loses her balance, which takes away some of the effect.
