"I just want to be happy."
Isn't that what everyone wants when it comes to living your life? I used to think it was such a simple statement. If I could just fulfill those 6 words, I would be good to go.
As a trained musician, I think this statement is a curse. I am constantly fighting for a happy medium between my desires as an artist and as a real person.
As of now, I haven't taken a voice lesson in over 2 years. Auditions? I don't even remember. I stopped because I reached a point where singing no longer made me happy. Instead, I felt constantly rejected and worn down. While I was living in New York, I stopped pursuing music entirely. Living in that city alone was enough to occupy my time. My thought has always been that if I can create a happy life for myself, that I would no longer need music. Life would be good enough. Achieving stability was the new goal.
I don't live in New York anymore, obviously. I came to Chicago for a better balance in life. I'm closer to my family, the city is friendly, and the prices are cheaper. Life here has exceeded my expectations in many ways. I'm working for a great company, earning more than I did on the East Coast. I've formed friendships with some really amazing people. I used to say that I only had a handful of friends from my time at grad school.....not anymore!
Over the holidays, I was feeling really good about myself. I had a great social life, I was getting into good shape, and I had stable work. I thought I had found my balance.
However, just over a week ago....I started feeling a bit off. There was a knot in my stomach that I couldn't shake. Once again, I was starting to feel unsatisfied. I went to dinner last night with a few friends of mine and I couldn't help but think, "I'm boring." I felt like I had nothing interesting to bring to the table.
Maybe that is overly dramatic, and not entirely truthful, but I now have the stable, sane life that I want, and I don't like it. This has nothing to do with my friends; they are amazing, insightful, and interesting people. They bring new ideas into my head everyday as colleagues and performers. They remind me that Artists never came into this world to be ordinary.
I miss talking about how my lessons are going, what gigs I have coming up, etc. It bothers me when I have to say, "I'm a trained musician, but I work as an admin now." I'm not living beyond my potential.
Does this mean that I'm going back to music? We'll see...I'm definitely going to take lessons, put myself out there. I just want to find my passion again. Checking in from 9-5 isn't cutting it anymore. It's time to start taking some risks and see what will come of it.