Why are you acting so dignified?

My name is Alice. I have a fondness for tobacco pipes and other lovely things.

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I like responding to compliments by accusing people of making fat jokes.

Example: "Baby, you're my world."

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Bedroom Pro Tip:

When you and your partner are about to engage in coitus, move your legs like the mouth of a puppet and say "Feed me Seymour!" in your most convincing voice.

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dancers are a strange breed.

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Blowing your nose on the sheets of the person who made you cry is a very satisfying form of revenge.

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Life Lesson:

Keeping a vegetable slicer on the top shelf is a bad idea. It may fall.

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Today, I had to fight past seven raccoons and a possum.

Just to take out the trash.

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I don't want to get a Kindle. If I don't have stacks of books in my room, how else will people know how cultured and interesting I am?

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"We're all smart, but we make bad choices." I woke up with this stuck in my head in the form of a song and felt the need to write it down somewhere.   Is it from something? Either way, I call dibs on the song idea.

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So I make bread now...

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Well this is just lovely.

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this is the day I go mad.

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fuck the nutcracker and its catchy music.

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I sneezed and hit my head on a spotlight. 

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"He realized that he was retracing the way he had come, and deliberately made himself turn right instead of left.    That way madness lay."

-- Dirk Gently's Holistic Detective Agency by Douglas Adams

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So we decided to raise a few chickens...

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The first nutcracker of the season was an adaptation that included hip-hop squirrels and Kia commercial hamsters doing the gangnam style dance. 

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Who killed Laura Palmer?

But seriously guys, who did that shit?