[laughingandnotbeingnormal]

i don't think i can grieve him. it makes it real. even now that i feel loved and not as alone as i usually do, i can't really allow myself to do it, because when it truly settles it hurts too much. I'm so scared about my mom. what do you mean she has a level 11 infection out of 10? wtf even is that? how do you just give someone a pill for that and send her home? it's terrifying and i should tell her i need her to take care of herself, im barely able to survive my dad. but my mom? that's like taking my lungs away from me, that's like unplugging the cables when someone's on life support. what? it's hard enough to live as it is rn. my uncle says his doctor told him he might have skin cancer? wtf? i can't even accept or deal with that rn, my mom can't either? what? fucking make all of this go away please? why do i still feel like dying? why do i look for my cure in anything that is not my own doing? bc i can't do shit is that what it is? why did i think she was going to help me mourn fkn anything? she has helped a lot but what delusional fkn brain thinks that comes from anyone but themselves? i need something and someone is definitely not it. I need to exist without being so scared of losing people bc that's all I've been since the moment I was born. feared losing my grandads (gone) my grandmas (one left) my aunt (gone) my parents (half gone), my cats, my friends (barely have any), people ive dated (literally all left)... I don't know how normal people can just exist knowing everyone they love will one day leave? ig I Don't know how to deal with death but is that that unnatural? really? should I have therapy for that and if so how would they help me? these thoughts would remain? lol I'm scared all the time. I go to sleep thinking about someone dying/leaving. literally every night? how do people live with that? I lose my mom I might just kill myself? and my brain just goes to "how can someone not?" lol how do normal ppl deal with such a loss? i might lose charlie and kill myself like what? I thought love was the answer but fuck? no? just thinking About it makes me want to do it just so I don't go through it ever... either way, right now im loved accepted and taken care of, let me try and take advantage of that and ignore these thoughts since that's all i can really do about them. but i don't think ill ever stop wanting to die just so i don't experience what life truly is: fkn shit

[laughingandnotbeingnormal]

i feel so alone. i haven't processed this properly bc im avoiding feelings and thoughts of him. i fill it with thoughts of you and us which, no matter how horrible they are at this point, still better than thinking of how much im going to miss him. i feel like a void. i want to do things and i can't. i want to make him proud one day and don't know when I'll be able to do that. i don't know who i am without him. and it's just going to get worse bc i don't want to let myself feel that rn. i want you to tell me you love me. i need it right now. i need to know why you won't. I'm not able to ask. let me live in delusion for now, i think? i feel so alone.. i still can't believe it, it doesn't feel real, nothing does, not even me, nothing. i love him so much. at least this i know will never be in the past tense

[laughingandnotbeingnormal]

I'd rather you screamed in my face, called me names, offended me or be aggressive and even toxic in any way than speak to me with disdain and no feelings. hearing you speak like you're over everything and you're just exhausted is worse than anything else. especially now. a time where i actually need you. and instead of being here for me and trying to help me you started treating me like shit the moment I started not being able to give you things I can't even feel for myself.. I can't imagine muting the phone and putting it away like that, I couldn't do that at a physical level even, nothing in me would react like that to hearing you suffer. and what can that even mean for you? it doesn't seem good, it doesn't seem like love. it feels like you're here because you feel bad. youre speaking to me like a guilty person. like someone who just feels bad. and is here just to not hurt the other one. bc i guess you still care enough to not do that? please, do it. I can't deal with having all the happy hopeful and dreamy thoughts of you and us again just to have them shredded like nothing again. I can't just feel this and look at you as my future to have it be destroyed whenever you find the courage to do it without being guilty to.. I didn't miss this at all. the phrase "I don't feel the same" is never going to leave, I don't think I'll ever be able to be ok. But I was happy and thought we were happy again now, even after I was trying to convince myself of this not being a possibility for you, us, anymore. and just looking at you was making me melt and smile again. I don't feel like being awake anymore, again. the smallest thought of you not meeting him is absolutely killing me. And now adding that to "maybe I won't meet her either" is the last fkn straw in what I have left of me from the rest that was left after I was ripped to fkn pieces last time...

I want you to meet my dad, I want you to know how fucking funny and fun to be around he is. I want you to know what it is to be the saddest you've ever been and start laughing whenever you're around him. he will always try to cheer everyone up and make everyone laugh. even if it is just so people like him and to disguise his own feelings and thoughts. at least he doesn't do it in a way where he brings everyone down with him. I was always like that too. I would rather make people laugh and hide how i feeling just so I can have happy people around me, see them be in the greatest mood they could ever be. I love seeing people happy. that's why I cry whenever I see those "faith restored in humanity" videos and wtv has that same vibe. I just love seeing people be nice to each other, or people just being happy about the most mundane things ever, friends laughing, a family having fun.. that's the most beautiful shit to me. so when I have to look at the most funny, the most fun, the most "happy" person around me die, It makes me not want to be alive to witness this. I'm trying to be the most positive person I can be right now and shit I've unfortunately had to go through all of my mom's issues and that shit was the hardest thing I've ever been through. but it's not this. it's not the same as me trying to make myself believe that he can do this, that he'll suddenly start feeling strong enough whenever these fucking disgusting fkn people decide to start the treatment he needs to survive. he can't move, he can't get up, he can't breathe, he can't sleep, he can't laugh, he can't be himself. how will he ever be able to go through fkn chemo.... how tf is someone that has their diabetes levels at a point where they never were before, fkn asthma that makes him not be able to exist and now fkn anemic bc he can't fkn eat shit, be able to go through that... I want to be positive, please, I really do, I am hopeful, I need to be and I want to be and I am, and when I'm with him I really am, I fkn have to be, and I fkn will be. he will never see me sad, he will never see me suffer, ever. I will make jokes, his jokes, the jokes I know, the ones he makes to make people laugh, I will be the same way he would be with me, until the day he dies, I will be who he needs me to be and I will eventually let him go as the strong confident funny man that he is, whenever it's the time for that, but not now, please. I will not let him know I can see any sign of weakness and I will make sure he sees me looking at him as the man he is, until the end, and hopefully that will be for the next 30 years to come, please, fkn please, I need him, I can't deal with this, I need my dad

[literaryvein]

L. V., excerpts from the epilogue

[fawnprincessbl0g]

I froze when I first saw this scene

[inversedlines]

That’s the way I fall for him

[laughingandnotbeingnormal]

[laughingandnotbeingnormal]

you barely even look at me. i think i should stop wishing but i don't think i can. i don't know how to be ok. all i can do is sleep. how could you let yourself forget. when did it change for you. where did all the love go and how could you let it go. what do i do how can i survive this and if i can't am i supposed to just stay alive for others. i can't breathe. i fucking hate myself. i think you'd be happier

[forestaflame]

overestimating how much you mean to someone really fucks you in the head

[obscurix]

the horrors persist and unfortunately so do i

[tomhoppusdelonge]

I like to imagine a version of myself where I believe I am loveable

[gay-renae]

Been camping ⛺🌲

[macabrevampire]

do u think i could be happy eventually or is the curse forever

[laughingandnotbeingnormal]

kind of feels like everybody leaves

feeling the reality that everybody leaves

my dad just lost his mom, i think that everybody leaves

now im trying to hold on to you cause everybody leaves

[yearningdiary-deactivated202603]

I can't stand being alone with my thoughts.

[abusedpixie]

[daddystinygirll]

People think I overreact, but they don’t understand that even silence feels like abandonment when you’ve been left too many times.