7 Years Awareness
some truths are not easy to uncover. other truths are easier to discover than others. some come to you- naturally. some come unexpectedly & some you don’t ask for, but you get. i think that in the first moment of finding these truths about ourselves, we experience a unique sort of pain & wisdom. this happens when we find ourselves finally seeing ourselves a little better than we thought we once did. like meeting yourself for the first time.
this is not a pretty thing, but in order to continue healing, this awareness is entirely & completely necessary. the more awareness we develop to get to know ourselves, the more hidden, painful & unconscious truths we find. it hurts us, angers us, pains us, robs us & even disgusts us. it really fucking hurts. awareness is not an easy thing. the deeper we dig, the more we find, the more intense the feelings become. more intimate. more like you, but a different version. a version of you that feels nothing like the you that you once knew. so, you start to believe that the you before awareness was better because it didn’t hurt so much back then. so, it hurts.
you feel like you’re dying, but you’re not, it just feels like it. it leaves you feeling uncomfortable & uneasy, like something inside has shifted. like the world is no longer yours & you are finally becoming alive. yes, this is a normal feeling to an abnormal situation, but it doesn’t take away the consequences of learning truths you didn’t know were there. bc this whole time they were just sitting, lurking, waiting to come out. & in the midst of processing, we are consumed & we feel like our lives have amounted to nothing more than disaster. we feel nothing & feel everything all at once. a specific, yet strangely indescribable feeling.
so, yes, awareness hurts. 
but one thing i can say is this: once the pain is has left your forehead & the tears have stopped running down your throat & the thoughts stop racing & you can hear just the outside. THAT is when you’re left with more understanding & more hope. you finally possess the understanding that these negative emotions are all necessary, the faith that we’re doing the best we can & we remain hopeful for better days/ a better future. this is not easy. it gets easier, but it’s never easy. one thing we do learn is how to recover from the day’s processing sooner than later.
and through this we learn to connect the pieces that didn’t make sense 7 years ago. we finally begin to understand that we are creatures in the making. learning as we go & healing as we learn & learning as we heal. bc isn’t that what this is about? simply living for you. for what makes your happy & peaceful. the glory is in you. finding peace in what you’re doing IS success. do the things that help you sleep at night. THAT is success.
so if right now there is a pit in your stomach. if you yearn to run to your mother or someone for comfort, but you can’t, it’s okay. i’ve been there: lying in bed ironically attempting to sleep off the nightmares that continue to keep me awake. i know one day these will all be stories. i know we are all still stories going. that healing is not easy. i know that. i know all of this. i know. i know... but right now it really fucking hurts & that’s that. right now i am not sad, defeated, disappointed nor depressed. i’m simply just feeling. & i have to give myself credit for that because 7 years ago, i couldn’t do this. 7 years ago i couldn’t cry, 7 years ago i bottled it up, 7 years ago i made a decision & now i’m making one again. & this one won’t drown me. it’s not an easy choice, but i made it & i’m sticking to it.
so we’re left hoping for better moments today & a better tomorrow. trusting the process & the awareness inside of us. because you have you. & that’s all we have before the next sunrise.
