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sentimentalbeing2001

The beauty of living in a walkable city is that when you feel sad you can just walk and walk and walk till you stumble upon a place that makes you feel better

Candles, a song by Daughter on Spotify

I found this song in a time in my life where I was younger and innocent. i loved the tune and didn’t think much of the lyrics. Then in college, I showed one of my guy friends this song and he was worried that what happened in the song happened to me, but I quickly reassured him that that wasn’t the case. I started dissecting the song more and fell in love with it even more. my sophomore year of university I started dating a guy who was very abusive, mentally, sexually, and emotionally. it wasn't until a year after we broke up I realized how much i could relate to the lyrics.

*lyrics*

That boy take me away into the night Out of the hum of the street lights and into a forest I'll do whatever you say to me in the dark Scared I'll be torn apart by a wolf in mask Of a familiar name on a birthday card

Blow out all the candles Blow out all the candles "You're too old to be so shy" He says to me so I stay the night

Just a young heart confusing my mind But we're both in silence Wide-eyed, both in silence Wide-eyed, like we're in a crime scene

Well, I have brittle bones it seems

I bite my tongue and I torch my dreams Have a little voice to speak with And a mind of thoughts and secrecy

Things cannot be reversed

We learn from the times that we are cursed Things cannot be reversed Learn from the ones we fear the worst And learn from the ones we hate the most how to

Blow out all the candles

Blow out all the candles "You're too old to be so shy" He says to me so I stay the night

Just a young heart confusing my mind

But we're both in silence Wide-eyed, both in silence Wide-eyed'

Cause we both know

I'll never be your lover I only bring the heat Company under cover Filling space in your sheets

Well, I'll never be a lover

I only bring the heat Company under cover Filling space in your sheets In your sheets

So, please just blow out all the candles

Blow out all the candles "You're too old to be so shy, " He says to me so I stay the night

It's just a young heart confusing my mind

But we're both in silence Wide-eyed, both in silence Wide-eyed, like we're in a crime scene

he would take me out in his car and park in the woods and would make me do things I wasn't ready to do. it was my first relationship and he told manipulated me into believing that's how things were supposed to be. he would tell me I was too old to be shy. and I was scared of how he would act if I didn't obey. he didn’t love me for me, he loved the idea that he made up in his mind about me. I was just filling space in his sheets. I’m grateful that I was able to see how abusive the relationship was and got out. that said, I've been able to forgive him, but forgiving someone doesn’t mean you have to let them back in your life.

#metoo #daughter #candles #elena tonra

foodffs

Homemade vegetable chow mein that’s better than takeout and almost as easy! With crispy noodles, stir-fried veggies and savory sauce, there’s lots to love about this vegan version of a Chinese classic. Recipe: https://www.connoisseurusveg.com/vegetable-chow-mein/

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Is this how you roll?

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Bang Bang Shrimp

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Egg Rolls {Fried or Baked}

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Easy Cinnamon Rolls Recipe

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SPINACH FETA WREATH

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APPLE FRITTER BREAD

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how I numb myself

whenever we get overwhelmed with life we tend to find some sort of distraction. anything will suffice m as long as it distracts us from the reality of what's going on in our life. I have a lot of numbing agents. food, sleep, writing, weed. they all do the same thing. they distract me from reality and make me numb. I tell myself “if I take a nap ill feel better later.” or “if I smoke i’ll just forget about the fear of graduation” but food is a little different for me. it's more of a binge problem. I remember the first time I binge ate. it was a little after the first twilight movie came out and my dad had bought it on dvd. (I was in sixth grade and everyone was talking about it so I wanted to have some sort of common denominator)I decided I would pretend to be sick, stay home, and watch the movie. no one was home so I just sat down on the couch and hit play. I decided I needed something to munch on so I grabbed a bag of family sized doritos. not even twenty minutes later I realized I was at the end of the bag. I panicked for a moment but for some reason, I decided to go grab another bag and I finished it too. I ran to the bathroom to look in the mirror. I lifted up my shirt and punched my stomach. “why are you like this?” I asked my self. that was the beginning of my binge eating problem. I never really found out what my “trigger” was until last year. I realized that over time I would binge it was when I was alone or felt lonely. mindlessly eating whatever shit food was in front of me would somehow distract me from realizing that I was alone. this year it’s been really hard not to fall back into that cycle. living in a new dorm, most of my close friends live off campus now, my roommate and I aren’t friends. I feel lonely a lot. I am a quality time person so I need that human interaction. I would say I need that human interaction from loved ones, but that`s not necessarily true. I used to love going on omegle to talk to strangers. I loved listening to people’s stories and just relating to people. they may live miles away but I still felt connected, I felt loved, even if they weren’t intentionally “loving me”. just the act of them feeling comfortable enough to trust me meant a lot to me. I guess in those moments I felt important… something I never really felt growing up. people say stuff like “just say a mantra every day ‘I am important’” or whatever, but that doesn’t always work. speaking optimism into life doesn’t work for everyone. I think it’s about finding the root of the problem and fixing that. of course, you can’t fix the past, but you can learn to accept it and learn from it. to move past it I realized I digressed from my original topic of numbing, but I guess this was a moment of realization. anyways I guess that’s what's been on my mind ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ i think it’s important to actually allow ourselves to feel rather than push them down. because if we numb them then we’re practicing avoidance which isn’t healthy. feel emotions helps us somehow, like if we hold them all in or avoid them for a long time then there will come a point where all of the emotions will come out at once and it’s just a confusing mess.

How often do you eat oysters?

never

senior year

they say history repeats itself. and i can currently say that yeah, that’s true. my senior year of high school i was hella angsty and ready to move out-- ready to gtfo of my house. i was depressed, using exercise to escape reality, and smoking weed to numb my emotions and fears.four years later, my senior year of college i’m in the same spot. sitting in class stoned, depressed, and freaking the fuck out about how behind i am with literally everything.

i struggle with procrastination (ie. this). but it’s rooted in something more than just simple laziness. my procrastination comes from many things, one of which being my fear of being stupid. ever since i was little i felt that i was stupid. one specific memory of this was when i was in second grade and we had to read a book and answer followup questions that would give us points. we could later use those points to buy really neat things at the end of the six weeks. i knew how to read, but for some reason, i wasn’t actually understanding what i was reading, so i never could answer the questions, therefore i never had enough points to buy anything cool. naturally, i felt stupid. i would always see my friends with super cool prizes like a multi-colored disco ball. that really discouraged me and made me think i was a total idiot, so i never would put work in. now, fourteen years later, i still feel that. there’s a reason i’ve taken comp 303 four fucking times! i was too embaressed to turn in my papers. i felt that they would never be good enough.

another thing that my procrastination comes from is disapointment. the look is what really kills me. seeing someone you really admire sigh, look at you with watery eyes, maybe even raising their voice a bit, and then them saying “you’re better than this...” ugh fuck. it wrecks me. so many fucking times that i’ve done stupid shit and disapoint my dad. i tend to have this when it’s for a guy teacher. i see them as father figures and i don’t want to let them down, but i make it basically imposible for myself! i don’t do the work in fear that it’s going to suck or they’re not going to like it. so my smart ass decides not to turn it in, or never fucking do it! now i’ve cornered myself and i’ve fallen in some sort of loop. i have so much fucking shit to do. graduation is less than five weeks away‽‽ i have a 30 page research paper due two nights ago, all of my native american history questions and Inca paper, a five page spanish paper, no clue whats due in NT, two papers for Comp, and of course the one that was supposed to be done last fucking sememster- senior paper. that bloody paper. i hate past me for doing this. all i had to do was an annotated bibligraphy for 20 sources, in spanish. but no, i let myself freak out and now it’s been since october. i’ve avoided that professor and i cry every time i think about it. but i need to get over my fear of disapointing him, and realize i’m not stupid.

in my spanish civilization and culture class today i realized, “hey... i know a lot of stuff” my nickname on my backpacking trip was “fun facts.” i love learning and i know a lot of stuff. yeah a lot of it might be useless information, but for some reason, to me it’s really important. so why not let myself talk about these “important” things? that’s all i really have to do. senior paper is Don Quijote and how Cervantes uses satire in it. i fucking love that shit. but for some fucking reason i cant. i know my professor knows a lot about the topic, and that scares me.

what if i’m not good enough? i am good enough

what if i’m stupid? i am smart

#procrastination #fear #senior year

gotta love sunrises and golden hour (☞ ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)☞

#sunrise #golden hour #selfie

a song to listen to when it’s raining and you’re sad

hyperb0rean

“An ideal homemaker is lovely to look at and lovely to be around – she has a wholesome attitude and a pleasing appearance. She has the courage to be happy and strives to live above the grievous faults of moodiness, sulkiness, and complaining. She is gracious and thoughtful and is consequently adored by her family and admired by all who know her.” – Daryl V. Hoole, The Art of Homemaking Photo: Natalie Allen

these sound about right

Keep your eyes open, hold tight to your convictions, give it all you've got, be resolute, and love without stopping.

1 Corinthians 16:13-14 MSG

gulposh

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