Fauna

www.amoredemori.com "Something there is that doesn't love a wall, That sends the frozen-ground-swell under it, And spills the upper boulders in the sun, And makes gaps even two can pass abreast.."

[le-fauna]

Hard times with reality. I had a dissociative episode were I head someone say to me 'my name is Charlotte' then everything goes blank. Finding photos and videos on my phone I have no memory of taking. Not for the first I'm finding myself watching a person I don't know covered in my blood laughing at the camera. This morning I had sleep paralysis where I kept dreaming I was waking up in alternate realities or different time periods. I'm in my childhood bedroom, I'm in my first flat, I'm in my husbands bed, I'm at my mothers house, I'm not me, I'm me, I'm people I know, I'm people I don't know. I'm 8 years old, I'm 15, I'm 18, I'm 30. Doors constantly open and close, I'm frozen wrapped in sheets and duvets suffocating and choking. I don't know what I am, where I am or why I am

[le-fauna]

The land was dusty, dry and bare. Nothing but sandy yellow pitted with dead bushes for a far as the eye could see. In the distance I watched the military patrol wavering in the heat lines. To the side down a slope lay the ocean, a beautiful shimmering jewel in aqua. A mother with daughters was leading them down to the water. I tried to call out but there was no sound. Beyond the tide was an invisible force field that would paralyse anyone trying to escape. They did not want you to see it, you were expected to know that there was no freedom.

[le-fauna]

She knew what I was planning on doing and ran after me. I took his hand and together we fled. Down corridors with broken doors, sheets of tin pushed aside through narrow pathways, rooms swaddled in silk, billowing curtains pushed aside, up and down wooden steps until finally we had gained enough distance. In a large open pagoda we kneeled down together and became swans. I tried but I couldn't do it, I did now know how to touch him, I could not make my body work. I had to be human with human limbs to grip and hold on. This part of me could never change.

[le-fauna]

We were walking through the tundra, us three together, then suddenly the sky flushed green with the aurora. It was so incredible, so beautiful, I marvelled over its sublime wonder. Then the greens became more vivid, more neon, and it felt closer. My anxiety rose as it started to move quite rapidly and the motion felt like a noise in my head. The colours turned to pink, blue, purple and they started forming a grid work. Then with great horror the grid work became patterns and all the time it was faster, brighter, louder. Flashing mathematical geometry, flashing equations that could unlock the universe, flashing the very central eye of eternity.

[le-fauna]

I was a queen, tiny but fierce. My long black hair slicked back and pulled up high on my head. I wore clothes I designed myself and always looked meticulously polished. He was my king, a large ugly brute man several years my elder with wild red hair. He undid his trousers and out slithered a long pallid protrusion like a celaphod limb. He was trying to hold it firm while another smaller one writhed next to it. When inside I could feel the pointed tip scratching at the wall

[le-fauna]

He took me to the outskirts of a slaughter house. His son had a pet chicken and said he wanted to show us something. He gave us a piece of paper that said 'sunnwhatodervranbew' and told us to say it to ourselves. The chicken then whispered in his ear and he started singing 'some where over the rainbow'. There was a women driving a machine that picked up the animal hair like a hoover. Everything was pink from the blood and it looked like a giant candy floss maker spinning out huge clumps of spun sugar. Her blonde hair had been dyed also and it hung into the stack like they were one and the same thing.

[le-fauna]

a thin tendril had appeared out of a small abrasion on my wrist. i pulled at it and another appeared alongside, both waving like blades of grass. more holes started to open and out came other long thin shallow white worms. then something larger pulsed under my skin and bit into my flesh. i pulled up my sleeve and my veins were writing with blanketed leviathans swimming over one another like snakes in a pit.

[le-fauna]

Forgiveness is the fragrance that the violet sheds on the heel that has crushed it.

Mark Twain

[le-fauna]

he lost consciousness and no one seemed to notice but me. on the ground in the hedgerows, the foliage green and damp. dew glowing in the dusk. when he came to he looked at me and said ‘i thought i was dead’.

i told him that we couldn’t be together anymore. it was like the two realities had merged together and i had been living two lives simultaneously. i said i had to go and grabbed my sleeve. i thought of how i was ever going to tell her, what would she think. he clung to me and pulled me down, i tore away and clawed through broken mesh. my skin ripped and tore, blood pooled wet and sticky into the fabric of my jumper. he would rather have me broken and destroyed with him then let me live without

[le-fauna]

Bloom spring 2017

[le-fauna]

After the incident she said I could have whatever I found. I went to the house to salvage what I could but the more I looked the more I realised that nothing was of any worth. I couldn't work out where they were, all those things I used to think looked so incredible. In a dark corner I was turning things over then saw the red glow of embers burning in the timber. The house was volatile, at any given moment a room would burst into flames. It was as if it was haunted by fire

[le-fauna]

and on that note i dont think ill be coming back here much anymore. this will still be my small space of the internet where i am comfortable posting my dreams (which only one other person i know of is interested in) but aside from that your better off finding me on instagram. my personal profile is here my artwork profile is here and i blog from time to time on my website here

[le-fauna]

i had a moment today when i was walking past the mirror to get something where i caught sight of my reflection and my very first thought was 'looks good'. this happens about one a year if im lucky. recently (about 7ish weeks ago) i stopped drinking, went back to healthy eating and finally joined a gym. my diet is not something i have a problem with, the gym im alright with (i dont really love it or hate it) but the drinking has been a problem for as long as i can remember. not even alcohol particularly but any sort of substance. when i go through my 'memories' daily on facebook i can tell from what im posting what drug im on (today was a reminder of the first time i came off ketamine, yesterday a reminder of cocaine). i want to be able to look at them in a years time and see i was posting something positive from a sober place. it wouldn't matter so much if i was just using to enjoying being high (which i do, enjoy it that is) but i know that the real reason is to suffocate emotions, to find comfort is dissociating, to escape reality, and, for me the worst, as a kind of ritualistic self abuse. ive played roulette with my life for the longest time and now i am done trying to make my existence not matter.

[le-fauna]

finalised Reichstaube design. i'm actually really pleased with this! its not perfect by a long shot but seeing as i haven't drawn anything in years i don't think its bad at all

[le-fauna]

Working on a lace piece with insect woodcuts 🕷🐛🐜

[le-fauna]

preliminary Reichstaube design. its VERY early stages with this but ill keep reworking it until im happy. i had the idea after the 1000th swastika related question/statement this time telling me i cant 'reclaim' it for my 'inner peace' (wasnt actually doing either). coincidentally i had been watching 'the man in the high castle' and was thinking what about instead of the Reichsadler eagle and oak wreath it was a dove with an olive wreath-? this will be pink and baby blue at some point to continue with my love of swastikawaii 卐 <3 卍

[le-fauna]

Something I made last spring as part of a headpiece. I still want to shoot with this when the weather is better. After that it's going to be framed to hang in my cottage