Dear Leader

This blog documents my attempts to become pen pals with world leaders.

[leaderpenpals]

Letter to President Donald J. Trump, President of the United States of America . Sent Wednesday, February 1st at 20th st and Camelback rd, Phoenix A.Z. 

[leaderpenpals]

Donald J. Trump, President of the United States of America

Dear President Trump,

Welp, I never thought I’d start a letter to the President of the United States with the word ‘welp’. But here we are. I wish I could just ask about your moonshot strategy to get elected and being a leader who attracts some serious rage in people. I write letters to world leaders as jokes, writing exercises and the hope to become pen pals with someone smarter than me. But this letter feels different.

The best case scenario of this letter would be for you to read it; then turn around and reverse most of the decisions you’ve made since becoming President.

I hoped I was wrong about you. Despite all the awful things I learned about you, I wanted you to be a successful President. I still thought it’s bad enough that people can look to you as a role model and representative of the U.S. despite your actions, attitude and rhetoric, but I have a stake in this 238 year old country. Its implosion would really mess with my plans.

Your executive order denying refugees entry into the U.S. and travel from seven predominantly Muslim nations is embarrassing. I don’t see how any of this makes our country better or safer in the short or long term. It’s religious favoritism. It’s racist. It’s shitty, and it won’t stop terrorists.

Don’t throw the American way out with the illusion-of-protecting-us-from-terrorism-bathwater.

I can’t even pretend to understand most of the decisions you’ve been faced with, just in your first week at the job. I get that it’s a rough gig, so I have some questions about your leadership and some concerns about issues.

Where are refugees supposed to go, if not here? Should we make some edits to the Statue of Liberty?

When does attacking the credibility of historically trusted news sources become an infringement on the 1st amendment?

Do you believe that the medical well-being of every American would be improved, if they didn’t have to worry about health insurance anymore?

Even if you don’t believe in human caused global warming, wouldn’t investing in renewable and innovative energy sources be good for the country. Is ignoring climate change worth the risk if you’re wrong?

How high must a wall be before a ladder can’t get someone over it, or prevent tunneling underneath it?

If you’re the country doing the torturing, doesn’t that make you the bad guys?

Does the executive order on rescinding two federal regulations for every new one remind you of the phrase “one step forward, two steps back”?

Can we spend less money on wars and more on funding schools, space exploration and renewable energy? Let’s just try it for a couple decades, switch things up.

There are plenty of other important issues that I’m forgetting, so please respond with anything you think is important. Or better yet, just take a deep breath, rethink your strategy to make America great again and live up to one of the only good lines from your less than inspirational inauguration speech, “I will be President for all Americans.”

Go America,

[leaderpenpals]

Letter to the Troops, US Military. Sent Friday, November 20th at Central Ave and Roosevelt St., Phoenix AZ. 

[leaderpenpals]

Troops, US Military

Dear Troops,

I usually write letters to a specific person as part of my ongoing mission to become pen pals with world leaders. However a co-worker informed me that Steve and Nina of KMLE 107.9 FM, Arizona’s Country Music Leader, is trying to send 20,000 letters to the troops. As someone who is a fan of letters and troops I thought I’d help them reach their goal, even though I’ve never listened to their show.

I’m guessing this letter is going to one troop, but just in case it gets copied and delivered to the 1.4 million-ish men and women in the armed services I’d just like to say, hi everyone! And thanks for everything you do to keep America safe and the most badass country in the world. I may not always agree with the foreign policy of our elected leaders, but I still am proud of those who sign up to protect my freedom to write those elected leaders silly letters.

I haven’t been to every country, but I’m sure America is the most badass country because if you swap in other countries for the phrase it sounds weird: “The most badass country in the world, Guatemala.” No offense to Guatemalans, I’m sure there are plenty people in Guatemala more badass than me, but if someone heard that they would say, “What about America? They have Michael Bay movies, chili dogs, and that person in the military who received a letter from Josh’s Dear Leader Project. Whoever received that letter must be a total badass.” And that’s all the proof I need. If Putin has a problem with it, he can write me a letter.

I’m about as pacifist as I think is reasonable, but I still believe anyone in the military must have some sort of hero gene. It’s a crazy and impressive organization to be a part of. I know lots of people probably just sign up to see the world or get college paid for, but there must be at least some sort of awesomeness you feel when putting on the uniform. It’s probably because my earliest interactions with the military came from TV shows, movies and video games, and they always show soldiers as superheroes. If you don’t count Bowser’s Koopa Troopas as a legitimate fighting forces, then the GI Joe cartoon was my introduction to military operations and tactics in action, which is kind of crazy. Those guys would just jump into the middle of the warzone and dominate just by somersaulting out the way of a base full of bad guys. I hope you don’t ever have to do anything close to some of those half thought out plans that GI Joe and his crew had to try and pull off, but if you do I hope that the enemy’s aim is as inaccurate as the Cobra Commandos.

Anyway, thank you for your service. I’m not sure what you do in the military, but just by volunteering you show leadership and selflessness that is commendable. Please do write me back if you find the time with any advice, tips or jokes you can think of that you think would help me become as badass as you.

Go USA,

Josh

[leaderpenpals]

Letter to Dough Ducey, Governor of Arizona. Sent Friday, August 28th at Via De Ventura and Hayden Rd, Phoenix, AZ.

[leaderpenpals]

Doug Ducey, Governor of Arizona

Dear Governor Ducey,

Hi, hope you’re doing well. I was born and raised in Phoenix, Arizona and recently moved back after being away for the past 10 years. Don’t flatter yourself, I didn’t come back for you, I came back for a girl. Let’s be honest, the female population of Arizona is our most precious resource.

In my absence, I’ve noticed changes to Arizona. Some that are great, like the light rail. Some that confuse me, like how Phoenix became the pizza capital of the southwest. Some that haven’t changed but should, like Joe Arpaio.

Recently, I saw that you’re attempting a rebrand for Arizona, and I want to help. Branding is my job, and I can bring a unique perspective from my 10 years experiencing how they do things in other states and countries.

From the suggestions I’ve seen on social media, your rebranding plan hasn’t gone over so well. This negativity probably comes from shortcomings in areas that your office is responsible for. There have been some major studies, that you should be aware of, ranking Arizona near the bottom nationally (as in performing poorly) for things like: children living in poverty, parents without stable jobs, homes with teens not in school or working, public school funding, education spending per student, percentage of kids who attend pre-school, student math proficiency, rate of teenage alcohol and drug use, incarceration rates. I could continue, but I don’t feel like doing any real research. The point has been made. There is plenty your office could be working on. But let’s force this rebranding thing now, because in the future our kids sure as shit won’t be smart enough to think of a clever slogan for a state that refused to fund the best education it could.

With all that said, I still believe in the rebranding effort and want to help. Rebranding can be the catalyst to other changes. The negativity that some people have about this state is counterproductive and doesn’t reflect how most people feel about living here. After all, my girlfriend likes it so much, I couldn’t convince her to leave. Even I think Arizona is way cooler now that I’m no longer an awkward high schooler. A rebrand can and should reflect the bright future AZ hopefully has.

I know what you’re looking for. You want something that other cool states have. The “Don’t Mess With”, “I ♡”, “Is For Lovers”, ... of Arizona. But please whatever you do don’t be boring. The last thing we want is another slogan that no one remembers. You need something cool, something that isn’t safe, something out there. It needs to be bold and an instant classic that truly reflects this great state.

Without further rambling, I present to you my list of suggestions for a rebranding slogan for AZ:

Arizona: Get Some

Fuck Ya It’s Arizona

Arizona Brings The Heat

Arizona: Set Clocks To Party Time

Arizona: Where Summer Never Dies

Keep Arizona Grand

Arizona: So Hot Right Now

It’s Always Happy Hour In AZ

Arizona Is For Random Sexual Partners

It’s Arizona Baby!

Arizona: Live Free Or Cacti

Arizona: Drive Around The Corner, Get A Blow Job

Arizona: Winter Is Not Coming

Yee Haw! Pew! Pew! Arizona!

If you need more suggestions, please do write me back.

Go Zona,

Josh Gordon

[leaderpenpals]

Letter to Josh Gordon, Cleveland Browns Wide Receiver. Sent Wednesday February 4th at S. 4th st and Bedford Ave, Brooklyn NY.

[leaderpenpals]

Josh Gordon, Wide Receiver Cleveland Browns

Dear Josh Gordon

I didn’t realize how much this would feel like a letter to myself. I recently read your open letter to Charles Barkley & Co. and I noticed that you addressed the letter to “Sir Charles, Stephen A., Cris and Other Interested Parties.” As a fellow Josh Gordon, football, and letter writing fan, I consider myself an interested party and have decided to reply to your letter. I assume Sir Charles (Not actually knighted) and the others will respond on their own.

Since you came to the NFL, it has been really fun seeing my name pop up on Sportscenter. I like googling my name to discover that I’ve made the pro bowl and having my friends draft me to their fantasy football team. So thank you for that. However, there was a brief awkward moment when I was visiting my girlfriend's family in Ohio for the first time and local news channels were reporting that I had been suspended for drug use.

I actually intended to write you a letter back when you were the leading receiver in the NFL because I have this blog about writing to leaders, and I thought that’d be funny. Then I thought I’d write you a letter after you were suspended and apologize in case my recreational activities had somehow gotten you into any trouble. Like maybe the NFL had confused you for me like a lot of people do and mixed up my recreational activities with yours. But then watching your story unfold it started to look like things were a bit out of control and not in need of a sarcastic letter at the moment.

That’s why I am such a fan of your open. It was well written and showed remorse for the way things went down. You took responsibility for your actions, but also called out people who exaggerated and didn’t know your situation. Honestly, I don’t care if you smoke weed during the season. You didn’t? That’s fine too. I don’t care if you drink. I kind of assumed that lots of professional athletes were into that sort of thing because lots of people seem to be into those sorts of activities. If I ran the league, I’d be a bit more concerned with some of the other issues that came up this year in the NFL like domestic violence, and child abuse.

So this is a fan letter to you Josh Gordon, just to say I’m a fan of Josh Gordon. I loved Josh Gordon’s letter. I learned a lot about Josh Gordon that I didn’t know, and it’d be cool to receive another one from you. I hope to see my name alot in the ESPN ticker next season, but for good things like TDs.

See you at the annual secret Josh Gordon Club meeting.

Go Josh Gordon,

Josh Gordon

P.S. Just saw you were suspended for the year. That sucks.

[leaderpenpals]

Letter to Tom Frieden, Director of the Center for Disease Control and Prevention. Sent Friday October 10th at S. 4th st and Bedford, Brooklyn

[leaderpenpals]

Tom Frieden, Director of the Center for Disease Control

Dear Tom Frieden,

Hi, I have a terrible fear that this may be my last letter to you or the CDC. Hopefully, it won't be, but it seems like every couple years there is a new terrible plague on the verge of destroying humanity. My concern for the moment is Ebola. You’ve probably heard of it. So I figure since there is inevitable death around the horizon that you would be a good person to be pen pals with so I can stay informed on symptoms to be concerned about.

I just want to say that I think that you have done an exceptional job as Director of the CDC. I am not saying this so that you like me, or because I think that pandering to you will help give me preferential treatment in case there is some secret Ebola vaccine that you will be able to give out to friends and family. I say this because I can tell you are doing a good job because I am currently alive. I assume that there have been countless deadly diseases that you have protected me and the rest of the world from being exposed to and on behalf of the living and healthy world, I say thanks. Of course the moment I die of some horrific disease, I will change my opinion of your reign as Director of the CDC.

You’re a scientific man, so I’m sure you appreciate that logic. I would surely want someone as logical as me around if there was some sort of disease fueled apocalypse. Just something to remember in case you have some sort of wait list for ZMapp or if in the future there is a limited amount of super secret antidote and you need to decide who gets it. I assume compiling a list of who should live and who should die in case of a pandemic is what you spend the majority of your time doing.

Unfortunately, this Ebola outbreak is devastating, horrific and terribly sad. Especially for the families affected and the countries in West Africa that don’t have the resources to contain the problem. I am sure you have never been busier, and I wish I had some sort of solution or idea to help you out during this crisis. This is kind of out of my league. The best thing I can think of to help out is that whenever I hear about Ebola, I immediately feel the need to wash my hands.

Other than that I’m not going to be much help to you on this one. But know that I am really pulling for you to figure this out. If you need to take a break and feel like writing me a letter back, I’d love to hear what other infections I should be terrified of in the future. If there is a future. Or if you just want to rant about how infuriating it is when parents refuse to vaccinate their children, I am here for you. Write me back, unless there is some terrible disease that can be transmitted by mail. Then you can just email me.

Go Drugs,

Josh Gordon

[leaderpenpals]

Letter to Jeffery Smith, Assistant Vice President of Corporate Affairs & Communications at Honda. Sent Wednesday, February 13th at a mailbox in Chevy Chase, MD by Rachel Gordon.

[leaderpenpals]

This project is really catching on like hotmail in the early 2000s. My very awesome cousin, Rachel, was so appalled by a recent ad she saw while cheering on the USA in the Olympics that she thought her concerns needed to be brought up to the Assistant Vice President of Corporate Affairs & Communications at Honda. You can read more hilarious and informative writing by my cousin at her blog http://likeitssharkweek.com/ or tweet at her @gordonrachel

If you want to be pen pals with a world leader, go for it. If you want to have your letter featured on the blog send it to [email protected]. Postage not necessary.

Dear Jeffery Smith:

I am writing with my concerns about your recent Presidents’ Day commercial that I have seen on my local network TV stations. Actually, just one concern. Does Honda think that Benjamin Franklin was a U.S. president? Because he wasn’t. But this commercial really makes it seem like he was. And I know you’re better than that.

Hondas are great! My dad had one once. It had really nice cupholders. I’m sure it also had some other features that made him choose the Honda over all the other cars, but I was a kid, so I was most concerned with things like cupholders.

Now I’m getting off track. Back to the commercial. Your actor/spokesperson states “As we salute our nation’s presidents, our local Honda dealers are making this Presidents’ Day weekend all about Benjamin Franklin.” My question to you is: why are you making this weekend about Mr. Franklin?

On one level I understand using Benjamin Franklin to sell cars. You want people to think about saving “Benjamins” (slang for $100 bills) when they buy your cars. I’m all for that. I love saving Benjamins. If I ever win the lottery, I plan to fill a swimming pool with Benjamins and go swimming, Scrooge McDuck style. (Not really. But how cool would that be?) Then I’ll go buy some cars. Maybe even a Honda.

However, the juxtaposition of “Benjamins” and “Presidents’ Day” makes me think that you guys really think that Benjamin Franklin was a president. And he totally wasn’t. He had some pretty great jobs. Did you know that he was (technically) the first U.S. Ambassador to Sweden?* And he was the first U.S. Ambassador to France. And he was the first U.S. Postmaster General. So he was lots of firsts. But he wasn’t the first U.S. president – that was George Washington. Actually, Franklin was pretty old by the time we elected our first president in 1789. He was pretty sick too – he died of a lung disease in 1790, so there wouldn’t have been time for him to serve as president. But that’s ok. Franklin did lots of other great things, and Washington ended up working out pretty well for the country.

Speaking of Washington, I get why you didn’t try to use him to sell cars. There aren’t any movies or songs that claim “it’s all about the Washingtons.” I understand that a $1 bill has approximately 1/100th of the cachet of a $100 bill. But Washington was our first president, so he has that going for him. In fact – before it was Presidents’ Day, the federal holiday on the third Monday in February was more accurately known as Washington’s Birthday! (Washington was born on February 22, 1732 – happy 282nd big guy!)

I wish I could help you think of a cool Washington related ad campaign, but I’m not good at these kinds of things. I’m sure you have an ad agency though, and they might be able to help. Come to think of it, shouldn’t someone there have known that Franklin was never a president? Maybe you should hire some third graders or something to help you develop your ad for next year. Third graders are pretty good at presidents.

In all seriousness: great cars, questionable ads. If you’re going to commercialize holidays originally conceived to honor a great American, at least get your facts straight.

Sincerely,

Rachel Gordon

PS: How do you know that “Mr. Franklin would surely approve of Honda’s leadership and safety ratings.”? Do you have a time machine? Can I borrow it?

* Franklin never went to Sweden or presented credentials, but while he was in Paris serving as the Ambassador to France, he and the Swedish Foreign Minister negotiated the first U.S.-Swedish bilateral treaty.

[leaderpenpals]

Letter to Bill De Blasio, Mayor of New York City. Sent Monday, January 13th at Kingston Avenue and St. Marks Avenue, Brooklyn, NY by Scot Braswell.

[leaderpenpals]

Bill De Blasio, Mayor of New York City

My good friend Scot Braswell wrote this letter to New York City's brand spanking new Mayor. You can tweet to him @BotBraswell.

If you want to be pen pals with a world leader, go for it. If you want to have your letter featured on the blog send it to [email protected]. Enjoy!

Dear Mayor Bill De Blasio,

Congratulations on becoming the 109th Mayor of New York City. People are very excited. Though it must come with the territory, you seem pretty tolerant about getting attention for everything you happen to do. Here’s an actual quote from USA Today about you doing a chore: “It's a new year and there's a new mayor in New York City, and apparently a new world order when it comes to winter storms.”

During the Polar Vortex, I found myself perusing reasonable news coverage about you. I came across this in the closing paragraph of a blog post by the New Yorker: “De Blasio won in a landslide, but his mandate won’t extend beyond the first severely botched snow removal, the first transit disaster, the first spike in violent crime.” I hope you didn’t severely botch shoveling snow in front of your Park Slope home last week.

I moved to Brooklyn this summer during the primary. I remember hearing a debate on the radio and not being able to tell which candidate was which because the radio is a terrible way to watch a debate, but I knew you were out there somewhere. You touted universal pre-K, reeling in Stop and Frisk, raising taxes on the wealthy, fighting hospital closures etc. As your candidacy picked up steam, haters inevitably began to talk about a possible return to the ‘bad old days’ in New York City.

My best idea of the ‘bad old days’ comes from a film called Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles II: The Secret of the Ooze. If you’re wondering, the actual secret of the Ooze is that it blows things insanely out of proportion, including animals and sub-par plot lines. The NYC of TMNT fame was lit by neon and always venting steam. It found villainy in unreal monsters and gangs of anonymous teenagers. The most prominent of these gangs was the Foot Clan, which I hear maintains a chapter in Bushwick to this day. I bring all of this up to say that you’re going to have some problems in your first term. That’s okay. Don’t let them get blown out of proportion.

In what isn’t the end of the movie (inexplicably), the Turtles take on a couple ooze-exposed monsters. The fight spills into a nightclub, and everyone panics. All is seemingly lost. When singer Vanilla Ice, who happens to be performing, convinces everyone that the grotesque monsters are part of his act, people get way into it instead. They do a song number with the creatures, some fancy dancing, and everyone relaxes some. The Turtles spray the monsters with fire extinguishers and revert them back to a normal snapping turtle and wolf, somehow.

Mayor De Blasio, you’re Vanilla Ice in this story. Keep the show going and everyone will be okay, somehow. Don’t let random monsters with convoluted origins shake you.

Best of luck in your mayoral endeavors.

Go Ninja go,

Scot Braswell

[leaderpenpals]

Letter to Neil deGrasse Tyson, Director of the Hayden Planetarium at the American Museum of Natural History. Sent Thursday December 26th at Chandler Blvd and 40th st, Phoenix, AZ.

[leaderpenpals]

Neil deGrasse Tyson, Director of the Hayden Planetarium

Dear Neil deGrasse Tyson,

Can we talk about space? I'm sure you get this all the time, but if we are going with the big bang theory then you and me come from the same star explosion dust. So we are pretty much related.

I'm a big fan of your style. I love when you show up to Reddit for an AMA. Your tweets are out of this world, and your appearances on TV especially The Daily Show are stellar. I'm just now discovering your Space Talk podcast, which is like rocket fuel to my ears, and recently read your testimony that you gave to congress in regards to the NASA budget back in March of 2012. It's beautiful. I want to live in a country that shoots for the moon. Not just our moon. Some other planet's crazy moon that we don't even know about.

I was especially shocked to learn that we spent more money on the bank bailout of 2008 than we have on NASA in it's 50 year existence. Ya, I understand that the rescuing of the financial system is important, really important. But wouldn't it be more awesome to have Space Banks! Your lines about the US coasting on science and technology are gold.

“If all you do is coast, eventually you slow down, while others catch up and pass you by.”

Space exploration isn't something you can do half ass. I've already written to President Obama and mentioned that he should increase NASA's budget. His form letter back to me said that it was an issue of national importance. So I think he is thinking about it. At least I hope so.

As the first Space Leader that I have written to, I do have some questions for you. What new developments from space exploration should I get excited about? How do you feel about the role of art in the development of science and technology? Sometimes I feel like scientists are just over the top fanboys of classic science fiction stories to the insane degree that they figure out a way to make their favorite stories reality. And that's awesome. Do you think the Hayden Planetarium is a good date spot? If I were to bring a girl there, what could I tell her about space that would impress her? Did China steal the moon from us? What are your thoughts on private space travel companies like Virgin and Space X? Or the Hyperloop? I don't know, sounds pretty dope to me. Are you optimistic about the future of space exploration? How does it feel to be a leader of a field that you find so important and other leaders do not take it as seriously as you?

Anyway, thanks for taking the time to read this letter. I look forward to your answers, and I hope that we can become pen pals. More so I hope to one day send you some space mail from the starship enterprise. Thanks for being awesome.

Go Science,

Josh Gordon

[leaderpenpals]

Letter to Mark Helfrich, Head Coach of the Oregon Ducks Football Team. Sent Tuesday December 10th at Bedford Ave and N 7th st, Brooklyn, NY.