I’ve weighted long enough.....
Those of you that know me will know that I am not a small person. I have never been a small person. The likelihood is I will never be a small person. I was always a “chubby” child and I have continued, throughout my later life, to become a big adult (chubby would have been putting it far too kindly). I have, for a brief period that I refer to as the “skinny days”, been slightly slimmer, but even then to say that I was less than obese would be a downright lie.
Weight is something that I have battled with all my life. I say battle not to be dramatic but as it is the only word that I can find that fits the bill. I can remember being on a self-imposed “diet” since I was about 15 and for the past 14 years food, weight and my size have been constant issues in my life.
For many years I held a fairly simple notion: I like food. If I eat less food, and move more, my problems would be over. This is, of course, true - an incontrovertible fact that I do not argue with. Unfortunately after 14 years of trying - it simply isn’t that simple.
I am of the belief that everyone has a vice. Hell, some people have many of them. Be it alcohol, drugs, sex, gambling or even food. While I am aware of the lack of science behind what I am about to say, I am fairly sure the psychology will back me up. Food is addictive. I don’t just mean in a “go on, just one more biscuit” sort of way.
Food has had a power over me for many years. Despite my best efforts I have found it incredibly difficult to make any progress towards losing weight and find myself focusing daily on my size and on food.
So yes Katie Hopkins of the world, I agree with you. I should just eat less. I should just move more. But for some reason I wont let myself do it – and it’s not greed. And it’s not laziness. Trust me.
There are only five people in the world that I have told the information in this post to. I am fairly convinced that as the readership of my blog extends to myself, that number is unlikely to increase anytime soon. But I think that in my ever-increasing quest to conquer my issues with food and weight documenting on here will be helpful. And I am not going to document it without being truthful.
Just under three years ago I was diagnosed with a lesser-known eating disorder. I say, “lesser-know”, as it was one that, at the time, I had never heard about. To this day you would have to go out of your way to hear about it at all. It’s called Binge Eating Disorder (BED) and, on the face of it, it sounds completely mental. I suppose, in a crude way, it very much is – and that’s my point.
I don’t think anybody wants to be told that there is something wrong with his or her brain. Mental health is such a taboo in the UK (and indeed wider world) and one that we are far from breaking. I remember when I was told this diagnosis by my GP thinking “No, this isn’t something a solicitor can have, you must be wrong. Not me”. Once it was explained to me, however, I could see that the description matched my behavior almost to the letter.
So what does BED mean in practice?
To put it very simply there are points during my week (and I will be honest that this happen more days that not) where my rational mind switches off. My desire to lose weight and be healthy goes out the window. My concept of what is normal is put on hold and something else takes me over. In these moments my desire to eat food, crap unhealthy food, is overwhelming. I don’t know why. I don’t care why. I will find myself in the supermarket buying utter rubbish with the sole intent of eating it all in the course of that night. All this can happen despite hours before being determined to be healthy and feeling convinced that “this time” things would be different.
Often after eating the food (the so-called binge) the next feeling is that of overwhelming guilt. The “never again” mentality takes over and a vow is often made with myself that tomorrow will be different and I will not let it happen again. Never ever again.
I know what you are thinking. It sounds mad. “You, Nick, are mad.” I beg you to look it up – it really is a thing. I can vouch for that.
So. Now that that is out there, what’s next? Well, as you may imagine, posting this particular blog has been attempted on a number of occasions. I have written many variants of a post like this and deleted them. The “what will people think” mode has often taken me over. In honesty, now I don’t care what people think. Certainly no more than I care what they think of my size. Not telling people hasn’t helped me so far so I though why not try letting it out.
My optimistic hope is that in a year to come I can look back on posts like this and see just how far I have come. I may be able to identify some of the issues that have led to this behavior happening in the past and how I have managed to stop it. I may, just may, one day be able to help someone who is going through the same thing as me. But maybe when they are 15. When they are starting to battle with food and size. When they can make a change, or try their best to, without wasting so much time in their life being controlled by food.
I guess we will just have to watch this space. Or I will, anyway.
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