leilani and one hundred days

[leilaniandonehundreddays]

The Prompts

1. Introduction 2. Love 3. Light 4. Dark 5. Seeking Solace 6. Break Away 7. Heaven 8. Innocence 9. Drive 10. Breathe Again 11. Memory 12. Insanity 13. Misfortune 14. Smile 15. Silence 16. Questioning 17. Blood 18. Rainbow 19. Gray 20. Fortitude 21. Vacation 22. Mother Nature 23. Cat 24. No Time 25. Trouble Lurking 26. Tears 27. Foreign 28. Sorrow 29. Happiness 30. Under the Rain 31. Flowers 32. Night 33. Expectations 34. Stars 35. Hold My Hand 36. Precious Treasure 37. Eyes 38. Abandoned 39. Dreams 40. Rated 41. Teamwork 42. Standing Still 43. Dying 44. Two Roads 45. Illusion 46. Family 47. Creation 48. Childhood 49. Stripes 50. Breaking the Rules 51. Sport 52. Deep in Thought 53. Keeping a Secret 54. Tower 55. Waiting 56. Danger Ahead 57. Sacrifice 58. Kick in the Head 59. No Way Out 60. Rejection 61. Fairy Tale 62. Magic 63. Do Not Disturb 64. Multitasking 65. Horror 66. Traps 67. Playing the Melody 68. Hero 69. Annoyance 70. 67% 71. Obsession 72. Mischief Managed 73. I Can’t 74. Are You Challenging Me? 75. Mirror 76. Broken Pieces 77. Test 78. Drink 79. Starvation 80. Words 81. Pen and Paper 82. Can You Hear Me? 83. Heal 84. Out Cold 85. Spiral 86. Seeing Red 87. Food 88. Pain 89. Through the Fire 90. Triangle 91. Drowning 92. All That I Have 93. Give Up 94. Last Hope 95. Advertisement 96. In the Storm 97. Safety First 98. Puzzle 99. Solitude 100. Relaxation

[leilaniandonehundreddays]

day twenty-eight, sorrow

there’s a hole in my heart

it’s the shape of you

was i there at the start

the bumps in that georgian bathroom

our giant hearts

our parallels

the lonesomeness i’m feeling now

my friend

my mirror

how can this be

thank you so much svn

for loving me

[leilaniandonehundreddays]

day twenty-seven, foreign

twenty-three days

all it takes to fall silent

twenty-three years

back then we could never keep quiet

unread

foreign

for purpose

if you have questions

i’m open, ask them

nan desu ka

[leilaniandonehundreddays]

day twenty-six, tears

from evening to next afternoon

my tears have flown freely

eyes, though swollen

still appreciate the love

that filled the spaces

yours at beginning of new life,

mine communicating another goodbye

[leilaniandonehundreddays]

day twenty-five, trouble lurking

i can sense the trouble lurking

but for only me

the same few lines repeating

it’s been a damn week

you’re dressed up for a wedding

while i’m dressing for a funeral

hope you stay happy as can be

when i’m swallowed by the swell

[leilaniandonehundreddays]

day twenty-four, no time

time is a construct

i cannot abide

disappointing The Dude

and my own peace of mind

late nights and early mourning

read aloud as i type

all that anxiety to find out

there just is no time

[leilaniandonehundreddays]

day twenty-three, cat

it’s been years since you’ve spoken of another

“is it to spare me?” i often wonder

the moment there was an opening

i seized the opportunity

i will never recover from descriptors that were me

maybe we met too early, maybe i can’t breathe

when i think about you both in a backseat

driving by the porch, the only place you kissed me

a tightness in my chest for the coming week

when you’re at the event that i won’t be

with someone who could’ve been me

but maybe one day

i hope

i can at least pet your cat

[leilaniandonehundreddays]

day 22, mother nature

deep breaths at dawn

when i woke to you, smiling

i dreamt of hands held

as we put the miles in

i miss us in the aughts

when you were my everything

this is a loose interpretation

but mother nature kept me living

[leilaniandonehundreddays]

day 21, vacation

i read somewhere it takes years

to recover from the burnout

what a joke fifteen days is

when you speak that truth aloud

[leilaniandonehundreddays]

day twenty, fortitude

to not muse over testicular fortitude

feels like a diss to Mankind

but how do i get there when consumed

with grief at a child’s nightmare (and mine)

of her dying because she wasn’t still enough

the lights did not go off

the kids did not stop talking

during lockdown

[leilaniandonehundreddays]

day nineteen, gray

unable to commit to a rhythm

or a rhyming scheme

unsure of words and footing

the big breakdown while putting

the laundry away and coming across it—

the gifted newborn onesie announcing You

my nephew

too sweet for the world filling with blue hues

days now gray as the walls i was painting for You

ever reminded by the spots on my favorite sweats

i wore as i kept rolling on the color

zig… zag… fill…

feel my heart beat in my ears

thinking of how you’re not here

no tiny butt in a pumpkin

no homemade costume to match your cousin’s

emptiness we cannot heal

just steel

just gray

just gone

[leilaniandonehundreddays]

day eighteen, rainbow

life is full of rainbows

people who bring back hope

when all feels lost

no one prepares you for losing a rainbow

the aching pain that cancer caused

a second mom who helped me heal

the world stuck in quiet pause

[leilaniandonehundreddays]

day seventeen, blood

they say blood is thicker than water,

is that why you made me so thick-skinned?

so fucking headstrong, temper hotter

fighting to let empathy win

i say the blood is in the water

every time you wash your hands

and the contents of my stomach stir

when i think on how we’re kin

[leilaniandonehundreddays]

day sixteen, questioning

morning rush, i’m winded

clean clothes? filled bottles? a lunchbox?

when is the last time i used deodorant?

and why are we crying and was it my fault?

deep breaths and why won’t you accelerate?

will we be late or will we just make it?

harder on them when i feel like i’m failing

second location and why can’t she park?

can i sign what? for who? where?

will i be back before my time clock starts

tick tick ticking like the time bomb i am

riddled with anxiety and why?

because if you can do it anyone can do it

except me

but why is nothing running if i am not pedaling

and when’s it my turn to shut down overwhelmed

and why am i always the incessant asshole

because of my lines of questioning

[leilaniandonehundreddays]

day 15, silence

day after day,

i crave silence.

HARD. STOP.

mornings loud with toddler rebellion.

nine-to-five loud with issues only i can resolve.

evenings loud with fights over food.

baths.

clothes.

midnight hours loud with intrusive thoughts—

leaving them motherless or

forgetting to breathe.

all the while knowing someday I’ll resent having

silence.

[leilaniandonehundreddays]

day fourteen (some years later), smile

i thought

i knew true love

but then i held you close

and breathed in the newness of your

first smile

[leilaniandonehundreddays]

day thirteen, misfortune

a heart that aches for what isn't yours... that is my misfortune. i'd follow him from sea to shore, but it can't ever happen. and i spend my days pining away for what is only dream. wishing this and my reality were more like the same thing.