im bored and i have nothing to do nor someone to yap about my random thoughts so i guess i'll just leave them here.
i really miss high school. i long for the carefree freeling of high school. i don't know, it just went by, you know? like, the world is moving so fast for me; i can't keep up. i am a sentimental person and this is very hard for me. i have to live with the fact that i have to move on everytime or else i'll just live by my past and not enjoy today. i'm afraid i won't be able to keep up and i'll just be here all alone and not knowing what to do next.
another thing for me is that i can't live on my own. i've come to a realization that i am not ready for the world and i'm still not doing anything to prepare me for what's about to hit me in the future. i need my mom, i need my best friend, i need my friends; i need everything. i'm scared there wouldn't be anyone for me in the distant future. i'm scared of losing my mother early, hell, i'm afraid of just losing her in general.
one more thing i'm scared of is the thought of me reaching my limits in terms of learning. i've got this fear of not being able to learn topics, like, at all. what if i don't get to know how computers really work? or how to code? i mean, it's my dream to code (though i still have no idea as to what am i really learning coding for, all i know is just i want to learn coding and computers). math is another thing, i just know there's gonna be a point where it won't make sense to me and i'm scared of it.
i really enjoyed my first year college. it went by so fast also but the end didn't really felt like the end. maybe it's the thought that i made friends of a lifetime and i just know these friendships i made will last. i guess i'm comforted by that thought.
i liked to think i really aced calculus. i really really love calculus that i want to master it. it's just so beautiful, you know? also physics. though i really struggled with the application and with my exams, i get to really know physics on a surface level. i enjoyed it, thanks to such a brillant professor (thank you sir kite, i will be forever grateful for the help and for the teachings that i will forever treasure 🫶).
in these boring times, i get so many random thoughts. there are times i just want to write a calculus textbook for the pleasure of learning the subject more (i really love learning, if you can't tell). i want to have everything written so that i won't be able to forget them, specially now that i am feeling forgetful and i just know this is not gonna end well for me. i also struggle at learning at times, i feel like i have a serious mental health issue and it is scaring me. i don't want to be forgetful. i'm scared i would just randomly forget everything on a random tuesday while going home from school and i wouldn't be able to find my way home. i fear for my life.
there's also this story i want to write. i want to write a mystery-thriller about a serial killer offing people in the most brutal ways but perfecting the scenes is one thing; there's also my struggle with characterization, like, i can't even think of names to my characters. this was once my dream, you know? to be a successful writer, if not a director. that dream was re-lit after doing this short film for our ethics subject where we're given the topic of kantian ethics/deontological ethics/duty ethics and i thought of this brillant story where a killer targets people who failed to do their duty. i remember thinking of the name, "kantian ripper" for the killer while on a jeepney ride to school far from home so i really have some time to think inside my head. my vision for the film shattered with lack of time and resources though so i thought i should write a story on it. up til now, i haven't got anything started but ideas for the kills.
i don't know what i really should be doing in the future but i know i can't be a civil engineer. well, plot twist, i enrolled at the civil engineering program. i hate myself but also love myself for doing it. i don't know what to do in life. im confused. i'm pretty sure you can tell by just reading this blog how confused i am with everything. it's just like this in my head: everything is all over the place. i've decided now to take yhe computer engineering program as i think i can see myself working with computers and softwares and stuffs. should've taken IT but it's a long story. long story short it was not my decision, i just took it.
i really wish i can get to have a more organized mind, you know? i don't knlw what's wrong with me or if this is even really wrong for a person but i don't like how confusing my brain is. the thoughts are just overlapping in there and blanking is really the more prominent result from it. im always blank. i just said thoughts that come up because i can say them. confusing, i know. here it is again, i am blanking. i don't know how to deal with this and it's really affecting my well-being. i fear there will be a time where i really lack of any thoughts. at all. i'm scared i'll be blank forever.
this is really getting long but i guess this helps me let out thoughts that would rather bug my mind. i fear of people not knowing how i really feel about them (unless i hate them, of course) but i'll leave these here if ever it has come to a point where i wouldn't be able to tell my mother this:
i love you so so much, mother. i appreciate everything you have ever done for me and raising me alone must've been really hard for you. i'm sorry if i can't really help you everytime with your struggles. i wish i could've helped more. but please, i love you so so much. i just wish i get to die first because i cannot afford to lose you.
i really wish i get to be better.