Guns for hands @lesbaleines - Tumblr Blog

I’ve not written anything in ages and I’m at a bit of a stalemate with my eating disorder. I can’t ignore the sheer amount of progress I’ve made since I was a teenager but I still can’t shift the deep seated self hate and desire to lose weight. Every few months I try to diet again, I’m currently on a ‘diet’ that’s lasted about a month now and not failed yet and I want to look at body positivity and love myself and encourage myself but I want to lose weight more than those things.

Weight loss is always more appealing to me than trying to learn to love myself. It seems too hard a goal.

These are four photos from my mums wedding that I untagged myself from as soon as I saw them. These are 4 photos that made that little voice in my head rear it's ugly head again and chat shit in my ear all day and keep me up half the night, that made me purge my dinner, that made me forget how wonderful and happy that day was for both my wonderful mum and my whole family. Sometimes, telling yourself that you're worthy of love and that you're not a piece of crap is as hard as trying to convince someone that 1+1 doesn't equal 2. The difference is, 1+1 does equal 2, and I'm not worthless. So I'm gonna refuse to let ED tarnish my memories of a wonderful day. Fuck you, ED.

#recovery #bodypositivity #bodylove

Back a step after weighing myself AGAIN on dad’s scales, should really have asked him to hide them before i arrived.

I am fucking worthy.

On a seperate note, I know that as a senior mentor with NCS i’m bound to get far too emotionally invested in any young people who have ED’s or any other mental health proble, I got quite upset at the training when they talked about dealing with young people with mental health issues as it just rang too true. It’s something I really need to deal with if I want to work with young people.

There are triggers literally everywhere you go, and you can do some things to try and reduce them but the world isn’t bubble wrapped.

I arrived at dad’s house on friday, he’s not as clued up as mum so he left his scales in the bathroom which i found really difficult. Then at the NCS training weekend, a boy was talking about losing his uni weight this summer. In dad’s living room, there’s a picture of me and dad when I was 16 and still very ill.

All these things have made me feel really ‘fat’ and unhappy today, but I’d like to remind myself that I have permission to love myself and to love my body even when i’m feeling triggered, I have permission to be happy and fulfilled even though I don’t fit society’s mould of how I should look.

This is me giving myself permission, and you should too.

#recovery #selflove #bopowarrior #boporevolution

erickimberlinbowley

So I finally got my tattoo today, that i’ve wanted for about 3 years now. It’s based off a poem that I wrote when I was in recovery from bulimia.

You found me

When I was drowning.

Fingertips searching above

The crashing waves for

You, my angel,

my saviour.

From the pot to the flames,

From the flames to you

My lifeboat,

My drug.

Cleansing fingers

reaching for happiness

Down my throat.

Dig further you said,

As I choked.

Dig deeper to be

Clean and redeemed.

But I woke from your stupor,

I threw myself back to the flames,

to the waves.

I curved myself around

My fragile self.

Fashioned myself

Into a boat.

Solid wood protecting

The shining orb of me.

And now my longest companion, I float.

#tattoo #recovery #body positive #bulimiarecovery #sailingboat #boat tattoo

3:42 am thoughts

Being a nightline volunteer is hard. I want to be able to help lots of people and i can’t. The system is failing so many people, the NHS is underfunded, the counselling services have long waiting lists and there’s just me sitting in a room at an SU all night, trying to be an ear to people and failing.

Had a call where someone mentioned Heads Up (the mental health awareness society i started) and they said that it wasn’t doing enough to help students.

We shouldn’t have to be the ones helping students, we’re just students ourselves!

Anyway gonna try and get some kip