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My very feeling last night. 😞

Ignored.

Unspoken words #1

(Supposed to text by: February 22, 2020)

**Just like my journals, I don’t want naming here. So lets start with Ms. C(Megaworld), Ms. S(co department), Ms. A(recept).

A question to this long message I am always bothered of: Lagi mo na ba pinapatulog si Claire sa unit mo?

Well this question is not just because I am clarifying, but to tell you I AM AWARE. And that is the reason this message would be long.

But first of all, this is not intended to argue with you. I would just like you to know that I am aware of all of these (3 things in this long paragraphs) yet iniiyak ko nlng secretly kasi alam ko idedeny mo lang if I had the courage to ask you hating to look at your face I have trusted the most in my whole life. Pero every time I missed you, I feel so lonely na gustong gusto kita tanungin ng mga ito.

But I rather chose my silence, and list my unspoken words here. Mas lalo lang sasama loob ko every time ipaglalaban mo ang denying part instead of just being sorry. Just how you always do.

Here’s I’am aware of...

First. Alam ko kasi lagi ka binibigyan ni Ms. S ng food. Mapa breakfast man, lunch o mirienda. Quoted pa nila “sugar mom” daw o di kaya “mas bakla pa kesa ky Dan”. Minsan pa, nag aanounce sa Pharma na ipagluluto ka nya ng bfast. What for? And have you ever considered how I felt about this? Pero I hate to know that all of those aware of this eh sayo nagagalit. Kasi, hinahayaan mo nmn daw and you are enjoying it. Minsan pa ikaw ang may dala for her. It aint not that obvious that you liked her for enjoyment, But thats what I am curious about, bakit ako pinatigil mo noon lalo na simula nyng nagka close na kayo ni Ms. S, binabawalan mo na ako to give back food or some things for you? Aside from your concern of people thinking that we have something in special, you should not make it as an excuse para di nya isipin na may something tayo and para mgka chance na cya na lumandi sayo?

..........

B Y E

(written:February 15,2020)

Did he ever noticed the last word?

Bye.

Maybe my last letter.

Maybe my last gift.

Maybe my last birthday togetherness.

Maybe my last good BYE.

Sigh.

Coz you've been putting barriers and walls for so long, even after her death. Let go of it.

Your true love is just waving at you,

start it within you...

This ones for you, my love.

BIRTHDAY GIFT ❤️

My FIRST ever insulated tumbler, 😎 from MY favorite buddy of my first times, 🤗 that I’m more SURPRISED of my name printed on it!!!😍 Not my favorite color, yet a BEST choice. 💜 Acknowledging this personalized gift, grateful! 💝 Its obviously now my FAVORITE one 😁 So I should post to boast!!! 😉😅 https://www.instagram.com/p/B7kX6zLA9zQV_PzNp14SZDvW_EhIvk78G-RQsE0/?igshid=1mvnelak29vfq

The Feast to End 2019. 🤭 12.30

When you are grateful from smallest things to bigger ones of every togetherness, you wont bother the negativities the year has brought you on every relationship na meron ka. Well thru this year ender na dinner, I instead appreciate more that all the good and bad fights are just part of it. At higit sa lahat, to feel that I am still favored. ❤️

A post to remember blessings. 🙏 https://www.instagram.com/p/B6uQ5g0g4fZnyNdUy6e0tQsow0L8aU7Zzav1W00/?igshid=dzw7de6gfu7u

Another first time, and its still with you on the last 'first time' of my 2019. I will forever be grateful to God that once in my life, I have and had you. Until the day of letting go...

Despite the Happy Holidays

(Written: December 26, 2019)

I felt so so so lonely tonight.

Tried a netflix chill night again, tried closing my eyes to sleep, tried making myself to decide what to order at food panda, tried playing online games.

Sigh.

Nothing worked.

I still feel so alone and lonely.

With him starting to get cold and ignore me again through our conversations that started on his moms birthday.

I already foresee this. Oh no, its not the word. But Im expecting this to happen. It would be just few days of him being interested on me, and poof! He's slowly changing into... A stranger again.

And at the same time I felt so much frustrated of not having able to pursue the plans for myself tonight.

To run. To feed my body on food cravings. To see people happy around... and to be grateful that I can still do all of these.

Despite of bein alone.

Despite the happy holidays, alone.

All I have to do is to get up, change on my running shoes, put my earphones, and play my spotify on.

After I cried to God, I felt relieved. Its past 8pm to start over my plans,

I did not care.

Had my few rounds at track 30th. Sat on my favorite spot. Stared again at this tall building. And through my sweat I didnt noticed, my tears are falling. Sh*t! I hate this longing feeling! With the music on 'Memories by Maroon5', I began to put my head low 'coz I can' t help it anymore.

Stood up. Walked away from the memories.

Found a new spot. I Sat in the middle of the long way Bonifacio Highstreet while looking at the happy people around me.

Called my Mom. Called Lily. Called my bestriend. Called my kababata.

No one aswered. Put my head low again. Breathe deeply.

Stood up. Walked away. Now, I'm going home.

I know, I'll be over these soon.

I felt my absence for too long now...

Yet I never felt you bothered to long for me.

Maybe even on the day that I finally walked away.

💔

When you never intented to take a photo this time, but still reminded you to take one before eating. Well, the candid yet cropped one seems like the better one. Lolll26 (at California Pizza Kitchen Philippines) https://www.instagram.com/p/B6XTrUvAzbf9_wT4FefYF0l4tZxyJxSmMfl7a00/?igshid=to7rg1ny9dui

The One Last Night I asked to God.

I won't... IF

(Written : December 4, 2019)

I finally opened his one and only message that Tuesday night.

I cried with his last words.

"Mabigat sa kalooban"

But, there were disapointments between the cries.

One week has passed still nothing has changed

He still chose to break my heart today.

One week has passed yet

His silence brought me more pain.

"Hindi kailangan iclose ang book"

I read this not just once, but for the nth time until I finally break my silence coz...

I wont close the book IF he took care of US

I wont close the book IF he wont let more TIME to pass

I wont close the book IF he pursued me like how he does before when he feels like LOSING me

I wont close the book IF after that night he hugged me to STAY

I wont close the book IF he stops breaking my TRUST

And when I replied, I again put lots of emotions on my words that lead me to paragraphs.

I again let my emotions speak.

Even to his short and single replies against my long and multiple replies.

I am so stubborn.

I broke my silence.

I broke my promise to myself.

I wont,

IF.

UNOPENED MESSAGE.

UNOPENED JOURNAL?

(Written:December 3,3019)

Silence.

It was what I did after that Tuesday night.

It was what I did for my own peace.

It was what I did for his one unopened message.

It was what I did after one week that passed.

There were nights of cries before I sleep.

There were sadness every single day that passed because of only one unopened message I've got from him.

There were loneliness wondering why he still didn't bother to tell me more about the Pandora's box.

There were disappointements, because there were expectations.

Expectations of atleast to show me, not just to tell me words with his one unopened msg.

But why does my silence became his silence too?

Tuesday morning when I first saw him again,

It all flashes back.

Tuesday night flashes back.

I felt the pain, real pain.

BUT I was hurt more when he didn't just passed by.

I was hurt seeing him bringing that empty food from her.

She still makes breakfast for him.

She still is doing for him.

That little thing I couldn't do anymore for him.

The things he forbid me before from doing yet he allows her to do it for him.

Even if everybody sees.

Even if everybody knows

Even if I will know.

And again more pain flashes back, it still stabs me.

It still hurts me.

He passed by me,and he touches me.

That touch I hated.

Sigh.

BUT what hurts me most to the one week that has passed?

I saw her waiting for him.

Yes I know she was waiting for him.

Yes I know she supposed to leave an hour before she realy left.

Yes I know he followed her few minutes down.

Yes he knows I'm still at the office.

I was expecting him to even offer me a ride home for the bad weather. Expectations Lesly.

And my expectations gave me more pain.

It still hurts me.

Did he started reading the journal?

maybe he is still into the first pages.

Or maybe he just scanned and jumped on.

Or maybe he haven't read that page yet where she made confessions. I already knew about them.

Or maybe he never opened a single page.

Coz he still chose to break my trust.

He still chose to break my heart.

The unopened message,

Was his only message.

It breaks my heart.

But again, I have to let go of these scenarios.

I have to be numb and make used to these.

I have to keep repeating the pain.

Until there is no more pain left.

I have to.

26th of November

I was praying then to God,

that I could have 'one mores' for the remaining days left before this significant month ends.

Days had passed since the night he invited me for dinner, Im hoping for more

But there were none.

Days, I've given him more days, to catch up our missing togetherness.

But there were none.

Days I'm waiting, but days he's wasting.

And one day,

I finally got the courage to have the most difficult decision I've been with since last year.

"Can we have dinner nextweek?"

26th of November

When I finally closed the Pandora's box.

Signed. Sealed.

Tictoc. Few more hours left.

I still give you few more hours.

For me to change my mind.

I didn't notice, a drop of my tear falls through this one thankyou paperbag.

Sigh.

When I saw him coming, I felt my heart beats so fast.

The 2 year memories is just behind my back.

The 2 year memories in a box.

The 2 year memories is finally be delivered tonight.

California Pizza Kitchen.

The very first place where it all started.

He chose the place, and its perfect!

I was overwhelmed by the memories of 111117 here.

There were laughters.

There were lots of updates in our lives.

There were no awkwardness.

There were excitements on every topics we used to and comfortable to share with before.

There were silence, but we both break it coz time is running too fast.

There were words from his mouth that I couldn't comprehend.

I just can't focus on coz,

I'm staring at his eyes...

Looking on his lips...

On his face.

There is happiness from within.

'Coz I know he is happy, he is happy now.

It feels like the very first day I opened my heart to this man.

The very feeling of 111117.

Walking me home, still we both laugh at each other's.

And my weakness of the genuine happiness I felt when we're together, the happiness tonight holds back my courage to finally give this box.

I want to keep back the Pandora's and to not give him yet tonight.

Walking me home,

I want to take it slow.

I want to grab him for a coffee.

I want to ask him to stay more somewhere.

I want him to ask me to stay with him tonight.

To hug me to sleep.

Our spoonhug.

Even just one more night.

Just one more night, my love. 😣

I told myself to have one more hug before he leaves.

Just one more time, oh please!

A HUG before I turn my back to cry.

But I couldn't.

I can't.

Coz if I will.

I for sure will

C R Y

Turning my back as we bid goodbyes.

I burst into tears and I got his reply.

A message that I know is all about the pandora

But I chose to just leave it

UNOPENED.

26th of November

When I finally closed the Pandora's box.

Signed. Sealed. Delivered.

S E C O N D L E T T E R

Written : November 11, 2019

To the one I’m praying to God,

Wow! I’m writing again a letter! And now, for the second journal.

I really never ever expected this! How time flies I was just writing the last year’s letter then, to finally end my 2018 journal. But look, I’ve made another whole year of writing our love story! Aww…

This year has been very tough for the both of us.

And that made our relationship drowned by our emotions, and had taken it carelessly by holding on without the intention of losing each other’s love. Maybe loving you this much, no one will really understand. No one knows, that I just had my hundreds of first times with you. And first times carved on a heart like a tattoo. It stays forever. It stays with me forever.

But hey…

Do you think I can have one more kiss?

I’ll find closure on your lips and then I’ll go.

Or maybe, just one more breakfast together?

I’ll be full and happy as how I always be when with you, and then we can part.

And wait, after that heavy breakfast, maybe we can lie in bed one more time? For one more prolonged moment where time suspends indefinitely when my head rests on your chest. One more spoon hug, and one more spoon hugs, and then one more spoon hugssssss.

My hope is if we add up the one more’s, they will equal a lifetime. Just how I prayed you to God to be with for the rest of my life.

Then I’ll never have to get to the part where I will let you go.

But, isn’t it real? There are no ‘one mores’, right? Even to the hopes from your first words saying, “Les tandaan mo ha. Hindi ako manliligaw ng kahit sino, take your time. Then let’s talk about having our relationship then.”

Then now to your last words saying, “Sinabi ko bang mahalin mo ako? Time Les, time na lang mkakapag ayos sa atin”

But somewhere between then and now, from 111117 and 111119 - I guess we didn’t just grow apart… we grew UP.

When something breaks, if the pieces are large enough, you can fix it. Unfortunately, sometimes things don’t break, just like ours. They shatter. But those shattered glass we had, when you let the light of the sun in, we’ll remember just how beautiful those moments was. Because it was us.

And to those moments, I so loved to keep on reminiscing about. Can we go back then? ‘Coz…

I miss those times you cooked me pasta. Oh! How much we loved pasta!

I miss you cooked my favorite shrimps. And you’re my great chef!

I miss you cooked your favorite kangkong. You taught me how to eat my disliked dishes.

I miss doing silly things with you (mga pagppasaway) because of our mutual and playful minds.

I miss late nights movie marathon with you.

I miss to spoil our hunger with Food Panda or grab deliveries.

I miss my jogging buddy at the Track 30th.

I miss being with you to great places, and do great memories together.

And to do more and more…

To watch again the international fireworks competition with you

To drive to Baguio with Toothless.

To watch sunset with you at Boracay, which you loved to come always.

To be amused by the beauty of Palawan, which I still never had a chance to go.

I miss you TICKLE me before we sleep…

But what truly is missed? Is to be with you to a place we both never been. – BATANES

But… again, isn’t it real? There are no more one mores.

Yet, the love has it more.

I still want to wake up lying in bed with you this 2020.

On a Christmas day, on the New Years day.

On my birthday, on your birthday.

It has been consistently that we’re together sa mismong araw ng mga okasyong ito since 2017. Nakakatuwa lang. But these are the hopes that I let in my heart and pray until there is nothing left for me to stay.

And by the way…

Did you know? I was and am willing to take all the risk to finally introduce someone into my family, and that risk would be you... Without hesitations. Without doubts. But…

I just had to keep these photos, these gifts, and the memories...

And while reminiscing those, I remembered the videos I’ve sorted before to make it into short movie clips. So finally, I’m done and ready to share it with you. I don’t want to count the days anymore since the last time I was able to hug you to sleep. To the one last night in August, I never expected to become. So, I made my days as busy as I could. And here it is! My Pandora box to finally be given to you.

I was so afraid to lose you that I lose myself. Guess it’s time for me to end this journal. Not because I don’t love you anymore, but making it right for the both of us. I have to accept the truth that’s in front of me. That loving you isn’t enough. That sometimes promises are just words. That I am no longer the reason of your happiness (guess I really never was).

That now, I’m just a nobody.

And just like my first letter saying, I am not giving you this to end everything about us. I’m just putting all of the happy, sad, good, bad, and hopes in this box…Just like a Pandora’s box. Baka kasi ma amnesia ako eh, I have written all the memories I only wish to remember about us. At para sure, I made soft copies too, for no excuse of forgetting you. Haha!

Hoping that someday, If I or you will gonna open this box again, all we have in our hearts are hopes, forgiveness, and happiness with just tears of joy looking back the memories we built together.

And again, just like my first letter says, just keep this box with you. Even if it take years for you to keep this with you… Well, the longer the better it should be as you definitely had turned not just to each pages but acknowledge how much I poured it all to this way of expressing.

Nothing will change. It will be a promise signed, sealed, delivered.

Will still love you discreetly,

Lesly

Its the promised one, from you Its the willingness, from me Its the grateful one, from us And its never too late to celebrate!😁 1112 😊 https://www.instagram.com/p/B4-MDpQA1H9MRe4xip-oMvDBaHUmH19H0U1QTw0/?igshid=pzibnp8skhjn

Grateful gift

111119

Maybe my one last gift.

Or one last letter?

Or one last words.

Or one last 11th.

I don't know.

But...

I will just let God work

for US.

Celebration

Written: Nov 12,2019

I was writing then the last page of my 2019 journal. Waiting for 11:11pm, getting ready for sleep.

Then, after few mins after the 11:11pm...

"Gusto mo mag dinner tomorrow? "

Staring at his message, I didnt noticed ny tears.

I was crying!!!

It's a mixed emotion thinking I am still spending the 111119 alone.

All I know yesterday is that, I won't see him, I won't text him, I won't hope anything from him, and I will be ending the day with my heart of forgiveness even I'm not with him. I wasn't expecting nor hoping him to call or text me. But... I burst into tears. As in sobrang naiyak ako, catching my breath!!! Staring at his msg, I don't know what to do. I dont know what to say either. Puro nlng iyak. And I just don't know why I'm crying so hard with his invitation. Sobrang unexpected...

Is this the one last night I've asked from God?

I'm not ready yet for my Pandora's box.

Forgetting about the box for the moment, I will just let the night for US.

Gratified.

Its all I feel tonight... 12th of November.

There were no awkardness. We talked. We laughed. We gossiped. We're happy. We're full.

But we never talked about US.

Until then driving me home...

I still want to have one more's

One more coffee?

One more staying at his unit.

One more spoon hug.

One more kiss.

One more breakfast.

But there were none.

Hoping for just a peaceful one before we bid goodbyes.

But.

A call, that snapped my hopeful thoughts for us tonight.

It's s hurting me again.

Wishing that call is 10mins late...

15 mins late...

0r just make it 30mins late after nlng sana he dropped me off so I won't know that she called him.

Disturbed. Hurt. Cried.

Sigh.

Still, it was a great night.

Coz I asked this one more night to God.

Thank you,

I MISSED YOU A LOT.

111119

I thought I won't see you today Mr. Sunset!

The long waited 111119! I requested a leave today, against all odds! And so, lets start it right! Waking up with a gloomy sky,I am still full of hope to see the sunset today.

Sun sets at 17:24.

Time check, 16:30.

Getting ready, I looked for a good spot and the not so crowded space along the seaside. Had my indian seat, capturing the sky and waiting for the sun to witness how it sets on this significant day.

But I'm feeling sad, for this gloomy sky that corresponds my cheerless emotions.

Please clouds, give way to Mr Sun oh please, wag mo nlng sabayan ang pgkalungkot ko today please...

Hoping against the thick clouds, staring blankly ahead.

There you go! It sneaks beneath the clouds!!! As beautiful as ever! Lesson for today, PATIENCE

The sun will set for you,in time. 😊

Last 2018, 11th of November too. I was here to witness the sunset.

But that day, I remembered myself crying while staring at the clouds. I was so in deep sadness and despair...

Just like today.

Because you are not here with me again to celebrate this significant day...to witness the sunset together.

Yes, Ive been praying that someday we will watch it together

on the 11th of November.

That someday, mgkasama na tayo to celebrate the most significant day we both celebrated last 2017. Was hoping for that 2018...And today of 2019, the hopes were still as high as the clouds... But it seems, the sun is still not setting for me yet...

nor for us. 😢

Watching it until the sky went dark,

and there it goes my tears falling.It won't stop!

I will be ending this day again without you. Grabe ang lungkot! Sobrang lungkot na di na tumitigil ang pagluha ko. And all I could think of tonight, are all the good memories we had na ayaw ko pang bitawan. I am still full of hope na pwede pang balikan.. Na pwde pang dagdagan. Pero nauubos na ako. Nauubos na din ang mga salita na isinusulat ko.

Tictoc... Im waiting for 11:11pm again, just like 2018. Its a sign for me that I had to end the day too and let go of the tears I had today. Staring at my phone, at nung pumatak na ang 11:11,I opened it and I was so surprised that its our photo on it! I mean, I have a magazine lock dba? As it changes from time to time, saktong picture natin together. Awww. ❤️ Naiyak ako. Naiyak tlga ako ng sobra!!! Nag SS ako, and also to my wallpaper. Kasi for the last time, I will be removing all of this also tonight. To remove the wallpaper and our photos at the magazine album. 😔

Today, I decided to finally change the commas to a period of my 2 journals.

Today, I decided to finally let go of my words and leave it to the sun as it sets again tomorrow.

For you to still search for my words every sunsets of the day.

For you to still seek for my love every sunsets of the day.

For you to always remember, that I just stopped writing our memories but I will never stop loving you.

Until the day comes, that we both have come to an end.

I will for sure miss writing...

Our Love Story.

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