my little thoughts

- for those who wish to read -

[letmelayinthegarden]

21/08/2025 (#51 - untitled)

I have a stranger born and my heart and he tells me when to leave

When to know I'm not loved or seen

I have a stranger born in my heart and he tells me I should be frightened

For he is frightened

And I must follow his lead

The shape he takes is blurry and tangled

A mass of black strung webs and sinew

He's mangled

He plagues my frame and seeps into my gut

His black mass, thick and rich makes me heave

He sits in my heart and waits for me to sleep

So he can pour into my throat and burn, make it weep

At the thought of the times I didn't know how to leave

He scorches my throat as he shreds his own

Begging me to end his suffering and put him out of my misery

We're alone

In this

For he takes on my sorrow and I leave him weak

While I go back in, ignore his cries

I go back in, with only love to seek

-J

[letmelayinthegarden]

21/08/2025 (#50 - the drone of dependency)

you'll come inside me and

come inside me and

in 10 fucking years

you'll do it once more

and I won't forget

how my body once felt

and my body once smelt

but I know

it'll drain me for sure

and you'll lay beside me

you'll lay beside me

and I

won't forget

the things I endured

-J

[letmelayinthegarden]

13/11/2024 (#49 - storm, blood, teeth)

Lightning eater

With teeth of metal that beckon the sky

Let the cracks in the clouds meet the cracks between those buds of silver

Grinding under the pressure

Of the system above you that rains power

Plant your feet to the earth and expect more

Ask for it

Say you're nothing if you can't take this

A fraction of light and a moment that collide

As your face erupts in colour

Glowing red

Rivers of vessels upon each cheek

Burnt into the ground, earthed

You were made for this

Pour your blood

Onto the soil

Let it dance with the rain

Swallow the lightning

Before the thunder can reach you

-J

[letmelayinthegarden]

03/12/23 (#48 - growing pains)

I watch my dad drum his fingers on the steering wheel to a song on the radio

I think about his youth

In his first car, with his first love

Drumming his fingers on the steering wheel

While she watched over him

I've never seen him dance freely, and let the music flow through him

Only does he let it escape from his fingertips

When he thinks no one is watching

-J

[letmelayinthegarden]

26/01/2023 (#47 - baby girl)

Let me know when she gets older

Grown enough to understand your words

You have so much to tell her

And I want to listen in too

-J

[letmelayinthegarden]

18/03/2024 (#46 - untitled)

Please, I love the sound of the night

Don't shut the window just yet

I would like to listen a little longer

Just a few more minutes

To drown out the hum in my ears

Replace it with crickets and distant cars

Something tangible that others will hear

And understand

Rather than look in confusion when I admit how loud it is inside my head

-J

[letmelayinthegarden]

04/04/2024 (#45 - fill me up and let me drown)

I find myself

At the bottom of a well

Accepting the droplets of water that trickle from the bricks that surround me

And keep me shielded

Met with no sounds

Blanketed by darkness

Unaware of the world above

Beneath the surface of something much greater than me

More harsh

The things I can't control

And the parts of me I keep hidden

All lay with me in this well

They remain whether I am here or there

In my mind, or in my face

Lines they have drawn into my skin

And habits I can't shake

While I lay here, I feel the cold

Not from the rain that falls through the opening

But the absence of company

Something I craved for so long

But would shy away from once it was present

Constant fear and loathing

Of those habits I developed

And couldn't quite shake

The one who could repair

Lays at the bottom of a deep well

Unable to move, unwilling to scream

Slowly losing hope

That someone will find them

And looking up at that small hole of light

Only brings upon despair

This tunnel of mortar and brick won't fill

Not in this season

And I'll rot before the next

If I wedge my fingers between the cracks, I could climb

But only for so long

Until my arms give out, and my legs don't catch my fall

And I am back where I started

Waiting to be found

-J

[letmelayinthegarden]

17/03/2024 (#44 - time to pretend)

I feel a knot in my throat

Tied by you

It's been here all day, and I have been thinking

About the things that brought me to this moment

My words

Your actions

And I discovered

It has been here for a while

I only noticed that you had pulled it tighter

How long have I been in this loop?

Of wringing my hands and rolling my eyes back to avoid the light coming through my lids

Hoping to loosen the strain

The tension behind the skin of my neck

The tension of my shoulders

It was conjured as a security measure

To keep my head upright

While you burrowed yours deeper into my chest

Drunk and vacant

A touch I would ponder the weight of

In a thought that would dissipate

Felt in that moment where you ignored my warnings

Ignored my discomfort

And shrugged it off as drunkenness

Your words are empty and my chest is full of the air I was forced to breathe around you

While you slept peacefully and I ached for my body to listen to my mind and move

Just move

I will blame myself later

And you will blame me too

-J

[letmelayinthegarden]

24/02/2024 (#43 - neck deep)

I'm so sorry

I didn't mean

To flood your room

With pools of worry

-J

[letmelayinthegarden]

"He took and took from me until I no longer existed.

That's murder"

- Gone Girl

[letmelayinthegarden]

"Because once you become part of their collection, you are simply a place for dust to gather"

- Charles Bukowski

[letmelayinthegarden]

06/01/2024 (#42 - the colour of amber)

I kiss your cheek

With no extension of hope

That you'll ask for more

A simple gesture of my affection

To let you feel the warmth of my lips press gently against your skin

But you kiss my mouth

With a heavy expectancy

That I will kiss you back

And match your rigour

I long for someone who will kiss my skin

Not for a recompense of pleasure attained

But for my own comfort

A moment of selflessness

In it's purest form

A rich amber

Of an unequal moment where there is give and there is take

But we both share that same warmth

Just for a second

Encapsulated in tawny tides of honey

-J

[letmelayinthegarden]

04/01/2024 (#41 - untitled)

The skin of her

Erupting in colour as she withers 

And fades away

The finality of her decay rippling across her fragile body

In fireworks

-J

[letmelayinthegarden]

28/01/2024 (#40 - Alicia)

Hear the neighbourhood dogs barking

In a way that only matters at night

-J

[letmelayinthegarden]

21/01/2024 (#39 - keep my mouth shut / keep you close)

When I said "nice bangs", I truly meant

"I see you. Your hair is not a mere accessory, but a map of your beauty. It draws a line to your eyes, the curtains of your lashes. Framing your cheeks and nose, swathing you in something otherworldly. With the freckles on your shoulder that mark roads to your past. Cropped, loose waves that dance golden and light on your skin. The swelling river in your eyes, pooling into the creases that bunch as you smile.

You chose to change your appearance, and dedicate a few moments in a strangers chair to yourself. To take out your purse and thank the stylist for giving you something new, and refreshing. I thank them for listening.

Because in the same breath that I chose to give that simplified compliment, I exhaled the tension I felt in my shoulders. That I had held in the seconds where you approached me. Where I wanted to say that you were beautiful before and you are beautiful still, in this new face. And that I hope I will have the privilege to grow brave in your presence. Brave enough to be breathless for a moment, when you hold me captive in those eyes. I will ignore the rising pressure in my stomach to say something that will fill the space between us. When all I want to do is admire you. And patiently wait for our future together."

-J

[letmelayinthegarden]

09/01/2024 (#38 - you break, I bend)

You can kill a mother but you will never take the water out of her son

Sap away the life she once injected into him

Fed so he could grow

If you take her away he may wilt, but his flowers will remain

Rotted in the soil but still present

A dosage of her essence

Stored for the coming Winter

When the sky is empty with drought

And the ground is rough and hard

She, deep within his roots

Readying him for the cold

She, ever present and ever longing

To watch him bloom for eternity

Of the empty seasons and dull months

Whether she is there to torment or merely there to observe

The shade he creates when the sun reaches high noon

Over her grave stone, stamped with the dampness of his tears

As he returns the water she gave to him

One drop at a time

-J

[letmelayinthegarden]

03/01/2024 (#37 - the keeper)

When the warm months return, and the days become unbearable

I am reminded of our first Summer

With stinging shoulders and laboured breaths

After we had burnt our skin in the heat

Perhaps to mark ourselves

And hold onto that day for the weeks passing

To twist in the mirror and see a clear line of who we once were, and who we had become

Side by side, defined lines

You burnt in different places to me

My back was raw, I couldn't reach it

You didn't offer

I never liked the beach.

And that day was no different

I see it now, with clear eyes

As my skin has paled

And I am mottled with freckles

What those moments truly held

Those choices I had made

I had exposed myself to that sun

Vulnerable to it's hurt, vulnerable to you

Stranger

I went in blind, without protection

My eyes coated in salty water and my fingers pruned

Where I stood knee deep while you dove headfirst

I left part of myself ashore, so you could give yourself freely to the sea

Without ropes that held you back from your wants

Your apparent needs

But I let it happen

I let myself burn

And shrivel in the cool water

Sunken into a shell much too small to hold me

And you held your breath in the undertow

Staring up at me though the paned glass of the waters surface

Waiting for me to comply.

I spent too long in those currents

That swept me back and forth into places I didn't belong, places I feared

All while carrying that shell in my pocket

The one you picked for me

It digs into my side and I'm reminded constantly of the purpose that you gave me

That I was unwillingly assigned

To hold onto that shell

For the times that you need me to be smaller

-J