better than firewhiskey @lets-pretend-i-exist - Tumblr Blog

20-something-dom and chronic mental illness is really just dragging your body from one obligation to the next and intermittently going to sleep better for it before you wake up and remember you gotta do it again forever. Eating, exercising, caring, working, sleeping. And some days you feel the truth of it being worth it and some days you just have to tell yourself it is.

#ramblings #something something pathetic fallacy #[dj khaled voice] another one #I feel like I actually woke up today for the first time in like two months #I was just sleepwalking #so now I’m booking hockey tickets and texting back and applying for jobs and stuff #speedrunning tasks before I go back to sleep mentally

The truth is like blood underneath your fingernails

And you don’t wanna hurt yourself

#looking too closely #fink #music

You will never (never never never) catch me speculating about real public figures’ private lives or, gd forbid, their private relationships. HOWEVER, I have gotten so deep into NHL that I’ve been exposed to whatever the hell McDavid and Draisaitl and their partners-who-are-also-best-friends have going on with their houses that are next door to each other and their joint honeymoon… and it’s all been entirely against my will.

#ramblings

My fave tags of late include “You Know What Fuck You (Un-forces Your Proximity)” and “To Be Loved Is To Be Changed (You Are Sometimes Dragged Kicking And Screaming Towards That Change)”

#ramblings #I’m fine I can be normal about this #I am an adult with a job and responsibilities #probably

it ain’t the empty home baby / you know I’m good on my own / it’s more the being unknown

#music #hozier #unknown / nth #so much of the living is the being unknown

I don’t know if I’m hangry or sleep-deprived or just disillusioned or actively depressed but I am teetering on the fucking edge this week

#ramblings #I need to go swimming or running at night or something

Getting my period outside of the quarterly schedule and immediately crashing out and taking excess pill dosages because what the FUCK and also this is NOT aligned with my desire for slav fuckboy energy

#this is partly ironic #your email finds me eating popcorn and disassociating #ramblings

Never thought I’d be this pleased to go to bed drunk, knowing I’m going to get like 6 hours’ sleep before I need to physically go to the office

#ramblings #tomorrow is going to suuuuuck #fuck it I’m 27

Showing up to the vet for my cat’s annuals with cuts and bruises all over my legs, then he proceeds to be a perfect angel baby for the (admittedly incredible) vet. Average parent experience.

#ramblings #jinx

I really wish I had (and I can’t stress this enough) Slav fuckboy energy. Pretty sure I’m saddled with soft baby wlw energy unless I go on T or become a gymrat.

Been committing more to offseason exercise lately; pushing myself through laps six days this week. Except the black line syndrome is just “dorito body” on loop like a Bloody M*ry chant. At least I think the increased exercise is finally breaking through the eternal fog of my possibly-chronic eating disorder because I’m constantly just fucking hungry now… so I be eating.

#ramblings #it’s literally just turning 27 I’m okay I promise #dorito body I’ll have you one day #gender envy #gender: deep jealousy of people with masc bodies #I’m going to make a mood board and put SFE on it and I will explain it to no one

regrettableusername

I don’t go here anymore; I only logged in to delete an ancient post that has been incessantly garnering spam comments for months. But I need The Void to know that Heated Rivalry has changed my life. I said out loud to a friend the other day that if I could technologically implant Ilya Rozanov in my brain like a Black Mirror episode or something, I would. And in so many ways – not least of which is his utter, utter bravery – Shane Hollander is so much that I wish I was.

regrettableusername

Dumping more thoughts here before I forcibly rip myself away from this website again: frankly I’ve been having a lot of gender feelings lately (lately being a very, very loose term synonymous with several years) and again, Ilya Rozanov appearing before my eyes and being basically everything I wish I was physically has not made this long drawn-out quest for gender-as-murder-board answers easier.

lets-pretend-i-exist

From the tags: I just wanna wake up Big and Strong one day and be loved.

#ramblings

There’ll be roses on the shelf / ‘cause this house gon love itself

#baby steps #olivia dean #music

Would've been the best mistake Should've kissed you anyway

#music #taylor swift #ruin the friendship

I think I’ve leant too hard into being “unobtrusive and friendly”. At an event tonight my friend said to her sister “why can’t you be like Cherie and just sit quietly”. And then I ended the night feeling very sad and lonely when I abruptly realised that everyone I was with is invited to a birthday party I’m not invited to. This feels like high school but worse I guess.

I’m now stuck thinking about “no one is thinking about you (:” vs “no one is thinking about you!!!”

#ramblings

lets-pretend-i-exist

I never want to forget the way I felt when I came back from the bathroom at my best friend’s wedding reception and saw her on the dancefloor and she said, among her 350 guests, that she didn’t know where I went and she was looking for me

lets-pretend-i-exist

Or how we went to karaoke afterwards and when I walked in she cheered and hugged me and immediately handed me a microphone and said “you love this song!” and I do love that song!!!!

#ramblings #literally who could know me better

I never want to forget the way I felt when I came back from the bathroom at my best friend’s wedding reception and saw her on the dancefloor and she said, among her 350 guests, that she didn’t know where I went and she was looking for me

#to be loved is to be noticed #ramblings

I don’t wanna get undressed for a new person all over again

#undressed #sombr #music #haven’t cried at 2am in months and months but here we are #thursday was not fun

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