the person this was about dmed me about how my assumptions have hurt them and that i need to let go because im too concerned about "getting the last word"?? then blocked me lol
i made those posts to get shit off my chest about someone i used to deeply love. obviously it's still going to bother me, and i don't see how venting that frustration once in awhile is unhealthy. it has never once had anything to do with "getting the last word", it has always been about blowing off steam so that i don't have a fucking heart attack before the age of 25 lol.
but yeah, sure dude, the guy who hasn't so much as touched any of you or your friends' profiles since we last spoke is the one who needs to "let go", not the guy who admitted to regularly checking the blog of a person they've hurt with absolutely nothing to say UNLESS☝️ he vents about how your actions have affected him, in which case it's "what you're saying is wrong and im concerned for you🥺" yeah, no, maybe you should be more concerned about your own obsessive habits involving me (even though you apparently don't think about me anymore?? pick one jfc) instead of therapy-speaking at me about how "harmful" venting on my shitty little Tumblr blog is??
i certainly dont miss the faux concern. this person dmed my boyfriend crying about how "worried" they were about me when we last broke it off, directly after telling me that they couldn't stay friends with someone like me, and blocking me. over a fucking emoji combo on an ancient twitter account.
motherfucker YOU went out of your way to look at MY blog (surprise surprise, just like I thought you would,) YOU assumed my thoughts were still the same after a literal year, YOU assumed I didn't think I was in the wrong for some of the shit I've done, YOU assumed that you were the only one who changed just because I'm still occasionally upset about the way you treated me and how it affected me. telling me MY assumptions have done nothing but hurt YOU has got to be the most annoying and frustrating kind of cosmic karma there is, considering MY assumptions come purely from YOUR previous behavior, whereas YOURS caused all of this shit to begin with.
And yeah, no shit I developed maladaptive behavior in response to your accusations dude, all you've ever done in ALL of our major conflicts was paint me as a terrible person to the people around us until you decided you felt bad about doing it. And even NOW you can't grow a pair and give me an unfettered apology for your actions. there's always SOMETHING else. it's always "i know i was in the wrong for SOME vague thing, but here are all the ways you've affected ME instead! I CHANGED IM DIFFERENT NOW I PROMISE!! And I'm going to tell you all of this, then block you, because I'm concerned about how much YOU care about getting the last word!! For my peace♡"
Like. Holy shit. Are you actually fucking kidding me? Do you not see that you're doing the exact shit that you're accusing me of doing RIGHT NOW?? How much of a victim complex do you have to have where you can confidently tell the person you labeled a sexual predator over literally fucking nothing (a chibi art style and, again, an emoji combo) TWICE that HE'S the one who's being unreasonable?? "If you NEED to post about me for your health then feel free🥺" Do you even fucking hear yourself?? Do you understand at ALL how fucking degrading it is for you to speak to me like that after the shit you pulled?? Are you actually that fucking dense and believe that saying that would come off as compassionate, or do you just choose to be that way for your own self preservation???
Jesus fucking Christ, man. When will you make the connection that THAT behavior is exactly why people don't want to be a part of your life anymore? You insist that you've changed, but the only thing you can bring up about that is a vague statement about how "drastically your political and moral beliefs have shifted" (as if that has ANY meaning to me or the shit you did) before you start telling ME how much MY assumptions hurt YOU!! with ZERO direct acknowledgement to the shit that started this in the first place!! this is the same fucking song and dance as all the times before, you're just wearing a different outfit this time.
why do you expect me to take anything you have to say about "changing" seriously when your opinion of the person who stuck by your side through ALL of our shitty friend groups was influenced by a fucking emoji pairing? why do you expect me to trust what you have to say when you would come into my dms talking about shit only to do a complete 180 of your opinion when other people were around?? genuinely, HOW do you expect me not to doubt your words after that kind of behavior?? how FUCKING ENTITLED ARE YOU to think that you would ever deserve my trust again on ANYTHING you say after how you treated me and now how you CONTINUE to treat me??
If you truly felt bad about it then you'd fucking apologize instead of deflecting to "actually YOU hurt ME too" for the entirety of your tone deaf message. Like, yeah, no shit I did!! I'm not proud of a lot of my behavior!! I'm not proud of the way I responded to a lot of our conflicts! I'm not proud of the petty bullshit I used to pull! I'm not proud of taking shit personally that was never meant to be taken personally! There's a lot I can say that I regret doing, because even if I don't remember specifics, I still remember that it hurt someone I valued deeply and I am trying my best to learn how I can do better. It's all really fucking embarrassing looking back on it, but I'm not going to avoid admitting to that even though all of this is entirely about the consequences of YOUR FUCKING CHOICES!!
Yes!! I was a shitty person sometimes!! I was pretty unbearable to be around a LOT!! I knew it then and I know it now. But you want to know what I NEVER fucking did?? Something I never even THOUGHT about doing, because I knew you and had basic respect for you as a person, a friend, and a survivor?? I never fucking called you a sexual predator, much less did so on multiple occasions!! I feel like that's a LITTLE more impactful on a person's life than any of the petty surface-level bullshit that I pulled as a teen, I dunno!!
If you want to talk about me, then let's talk about me. Lets ask questions and have a fucking conversation about it like adults. All I've ever asked was for you to be direct with me, but you can't even do THAT in response to me laying out all of the ways your actions have affected me. Yeah dude, I'm REALLY sorry that a fucking rape survivor has a hard time not being affected by the times the person who used to be his closest friend laughed alongside who knows how many other people about accusing him of being the exact type of predator that fucked him up so badly to begin with. Hm. I wonder why that kind of violation of intimate trust feels so familiar to him. Can't imagine why it would feel similar to a person like him and trigger a strong emotional response whenever he thinks about it. Truly a fucking mystery, isn't it.
It pisses me off so much that you think you can just waltz into my dms and be like "YOU need to let it go🥺 YOU need to stop letting yourself linger. WHY do you keep sending out vent posts.", because that shows me for certain just how seriously you take this situation — which is clearly not at all since you've made zero effort to even acknowledge it outside of "i dont like how we broke it off" and "i know i was bad BUT-" before telling me how much (gasp!!) energy I took from you.
Yeah, sure buddy! You're SO exhausted!! Why don't you try seeing how energy-sapping it is being constantly high-strung and on alert because you're reminded of your rape every other day for months on end, because you can't help but wonder if you really ARE as bad as the person who violated you if this has happened multiple times! Try seeing how much energy it takes to have to rely almost entirely on liquid meal replacements for that time because solid food can't stay down and your appetite completely died because you kept making yourself sick with the idea of hurting someone like that, and because the feeling of swallowing food felt too disgusting! Try seeing how much energy you'll have when you need to rebuild an entirely new friend group from the ground up and relearn how to trust the people you love after someone you spent some of your most formative years with whips around and cuts you off over something you don't understand, and a complete stranger tells you how much they hate you and makes disgusting remarks about you, all over some fucking EMOJIS that you didn't even know the meaning of to begin with.
Now, try handling ALL of that while still attending campus full-time and holding a part-time job!! But no, YOU'RE the exhausted one!! YOU'RE the victim!! YOU'RE the one whose been so fucking hurt by all of this!!
What you did was a little more than another mistake, man! YOUR ACTIONS HAVE HAD PERMANENT EFFECTS ON MY BODY THAT I HAVE TO LIVE WITH EVERY DAY so like, yeah man, sorry that shutting up about it on my own blog for a person who supposedly barely thinks about me anymore isn't the most appealing or reasonable idea to me.
Im not whatever label you want to call me just because Im angry at you over something you know was fucked up to do. "I've changed" is not an apology. "You were exhausting" is not an apology. NONE of what you fucking said to me is an apology, and Im not going to pretend it didn't happen and be civil with you just because I did some exhausting shit when we were friends. You don't seem to understand just how fucking different this is. You being emotionally drained from me being a shitbag teenager and me going into a sex-trauma-induced paranoia spell that lasted months and made me lose fucking 25 pounds are NOT COMPARABLE situations in the slightest and you're just flat out fucking gross for trying to pretend they are just so you can roleplay as the bigger person.
The truth of the matter, at least from all you've shown me, is that you don't actually regret it at all. It seems to me like the entire point of this was to get me to stop talking about it for your own peace of mind. You're right, I DON'T believe you when you say you're concerned about me, because NONE of what you've said or done to me after this shit has shown that. Outside of this "final" response, you messaged me ONCE to tell me how uncomfy you were with me reviving a character project we spoke about like. a total of 5 times over the few years we had it. Why the fuck would I believe that you care about me, that you've changed, or that you feel sorry for what you've done when you haven't shown me ANY of that???
None of this will ever reach you though, because I've been blocked, and you're totally never gonna get curious enough to come back and see what filthy little self-destructive Syd has ranted and raved in response to your courageous and heartfelt private message! The pattern will totally break this time, and Syd is pathetically screaming into the void — which is very hurtful of me to do even though you're not reading this and will not be affected by it whatsoever. You're gonna ignore this! For your peace! Because no one else's peace matters, especially not the peace of someone your actions have fucked up so majorly that he can't fucking eat solid food half the time without relying on weed munchies a year down the line whether he likes it or not!!
God, just stop pretending like you give a shit if you don't, and apologize to me if you do. Its that fucking simple. I will literally never fucking talk about it again if you just acknowledge that what you did was fucked up and apologize like you mean it instead of dressing it up in excuses and flowery language. I can't do shit about the things I said to you and our friends back then. I'm not part of that group anymore and returning just to apologize and make a big deal over things I don't remember would do nothing but harm and would sound disingenuous as fuck no matter how you slice it, and to be frank, I don't even know half the shit I did. I have ALWAYS needed direct communication and cause/effect about specific shit to make those connections, but rarely was that ever given to me no matter how much I quite literally begged for it. This is the most direct and specific you can get. YOU have direct and open access to me, YOU know how badly this specific action you took affected me, and YOU have the power to do something about it if you care so damn much.
And let me make it perfectly clear, my healing does not rely on you. Eventually, I will get better on my own, because I had to before and I will do it again. But you know what's NOT and will NEVER help me do that? Spewing a bunch of self-righteous horse shit at me with zero apology for the ONE thing I'm hurting from, before barring me from responding to any of it directly.
I had the respect to leave that avenue open for you because I believed that you'd want to talk about it one day when you were ready to do so, but you can't even do the same for me. ALL that did was convince me that you only sent that message to make yourself feel better, because if you actually wanted to communicate how much you still "care" about me and how "concerned" you are for me, you'd do a little introspection and ask yourself WHY I'm reacting the way I am instead of telling me what I should and shouldn't do and how I should and shouldn't feel. Just a fucking thought, Swiss.
