Darkness

Why must the devil be a man?

[letterstomydearsomeone]

From deep within the trenches , I look for the light.

-Moi

I've always been on a constant look out for that someone capable of looking at me and seeing everything I've ever felt.

Someone that can look at my grief without flinching.

These letters belong to everyone that was that specific someone momentarily.

It's just to let my someone know , that this is all I've felt while you were away

Adios

[letterstomydearsomeone]

Dear Someone,

I caught a silver of my smile in a reflection that isn't mine. I startle myself out of the stupor and walk in circles. I create the same loop I wake myself up from after every new reflection. Myriad of names for you and none for me. I remember calling her penance and him a punishment destined for me. I wonder what this might be. I no longer walk in a road to wonder where this road leads.

I'm walking in circles, I'm talking in circles. I run myself down. I come down crumbling, again, again ,again. A deck of cards and every single one slices me as it all falls down. And then it hits me, the blunt force of a rock slide. I fear myself, the choices I allow myself that are nothing but mirage. I chase reflections , my shadow shows up for a showdown with a dagger aimed right beneath my fifth rib. My heart, this bleeding heart, the sign of a saint or a sinner dressed as one?

My mind , a fickle mistress , unspooling tragedy like an old gauze wrapped around my skin. The browned up bandaids, a sign of hurt or violence I birthed? A split here, a punch there. A blow here , a bruise there. What belongs to me and what doesn't? Most days, I don't care, I don't care.

A brick in my hand, aimed at the glass storefront of every relationship i could ever encounter. Hand reared to throw, ready to run, always the first to let go. The vacuum between me and my suffering, I find filled to the brim with something i choke on. I try to move forward but I'm shackled to the ground. Not really ,I just fear the weights attached to my feet. I fear I'd lose a limb. Is it a cage if you are free to walk away? Everything feels predestined.

I try to scrub myself clean of the guilt I feel , I only find my skin reddening. The stain won't go away, I can't find another way. Make it stop, maybe don't. I wonder if I'll come clean once I'm done suffering. My grief, a vial sized grief this time. A souvenir or a medalion i can wear with pride?

If survival and will don't go hand in hand. Will I ever survive my mind? I find less of me in myself as the time goes by. I wonder, i wonder if you ever cross off my name to fit someone in like i might? I just might. Am I faithless because I know I can never be blameless?

Here I am again, circling myself. A loop , a shadow, a dagger aimed at myself. I wonder , I wonder, I wander away again. Dust settles onto my cheek, all dried up from my previous stints. I wander away, again.

[letterstomydearsomeone]

Dear someone,

I sing to myself you're the only exception. I sing to myself hoping it brings me the warmth it used to . Paramour , lover, partner , wife, soulmate , friend or foe, I don't know what to call you anymore. All I know now is that I'm too broken to love you

Illicit secrets, death sentences , hushed voices and dimmed down lights is all my life has been lately . A hand reaches out and I refuse to hold it now. A voice asks me for hope , to tell her that I'm not hurt and I'm too dammed to lie.

The water works for the shit show won't halt . My voice fades and my soul spares me no pain . The show must go on , the show goes on. I talk to myself and my reflection cracks . My shadow burns bright. It's lights out in my mind.

.His hold tightens before I free myself. The last red prints turn purple on my skin. The music won't stop yet all I hear is static. The race goes on , I fold myself into a ball. I wont hold on , I stay frozen on the ground.

The rituals I refuse to give into now were ones that I was once forced to bow to. The unfazed mask is being torn out. I beg myself to stay still in the storm. My dear heart, I say this with a heavy heart. You can't break me now. I've lost my armor, amor. I find no need for the walls I cried to. Fire lures me in , I'd burn down the dammed ball we masquerade in . If only , if only she wasn't still staying in. A master puppeteer , a puppet that's choosing free will. I wonder how the shadows will dance, I wonder how this show writes itself..

I don't believe my walls are a curse. I lost my faith. On my tip toes, I remember looking down. On my tip toes , I remember wondering how it'd feel to free fall. Would the wind hold me in ways I've never been held?

I've been 19, I've been 20. At 21 , I remember losing me.

Miss too good to be true , I will no longer be 22 when you find me.

Miss find me at your pace, I try to find your face in every place and every person I run into. Yet not so eagerly. My pace has slowed down, my will paces itself according to my world now.

I've got a new curse. I look at the rot just to make sure it's ruined. I pry open caskets to make sure it's all soil. The rot infected flesh has signs of new life. The decay grows green , the hurt is all gone they say.

.The ache stays. The ache numbs. It's alive in my flesh. It's warmed by my blood. The downhill fire I set warms my bones in ways the sunshine never could. The uphill battle's blood that painted me red that I once reveled in, I relive . Fearless eyes, futile fights, hopeless sighs, willful strides , the picture perfect life comes at this price.

The end , the beginning , all of it belongs to me now. Miss I miss you , I hope you're missing me too. I feel too full to miss you too much. The fury that floods my senses has numbed me to the ache I've carried since I was five. I fold myself into a ball , sit too close to the wall. I wrap myself into a ball , thinking it'll shield me from it all. The soot covered throat and charred skin keep me from letting it all sink in . Here I am knowing I'll never be 22. Here I am , knowing I'll never love you to way I used to.

Miss one day I'll find you , I believe anything can be replaced now. Miss I'll love you more cause I love myself , my soul can no longer bear my weight. I'm 22 and I don't think I deserve this too. My walls aid my spine, my heart of glass holds titanium in it's cracks. From the ruins , I rise. I'm the ruin , I'm a prize. If the silence between us ever held still enough to sing, it'd sing of my sorrows. I'm a prize darlin , never been a puppet or a puppeteer. On the trigger , my finger's stilled by vines of hope.

On some days I carry maggots in my flesh. Alive and well.

With time, the maggots in me eat their way out. I stand and watch them morph into moths. I watch their wings flutter, the only touch I allow myself. I watch them fly , I wonder if there was any warmth to begin with. I wonder and wonder as I find myself devoid of the weight I carried for them. I wonder as the weight is shed, if it's hollowing myself out or freedom. .

Would you find me in a nightmare or would you find me in a dream ? Either way , I'm afraid you'll find me losing me. what does it take, what does it take to find the likes of you?

[letterstomydearsomeone]

Dear someone,

I wish I could get things off my chest, I wish it were that easy for me to speak. I call myself a sinner but never learn my sins. I hold myself in the court of conscience but never heed the jury's verdict. I stumble my way into void but not once do I wish it upon the guilty. I feel joy leaking out of me and leaving me forever. I'm in my corner as shadows swallow me whole. All I can say as the day comes to an end is:

I've caught cold babe , I've caught a bug. It spreads through my lungs , tightens up my throat. It refuses to let my words out. I've caught a bug and I'm sick. This house is full of mold and it's sprouting in my lungs . I held so much so close, now I'm puking it all out.

I've caught cold babe , you stripped off my clothes and wondered why i'm cold. You stripped me off my skin and wondered why i'm hurt. I caught a love bug , it's making me sick . I'm cold and you walk away , leaving me here. Wallowing in my sins.

You take my clothes, thrash em down . I lose myself a lil as i dig them out. i see you've left an A in red , marked on all of em. The stars, the moon, the ground , the sky, i scream to whichever element would ease my plight.

The scarlett letter bleeds onto my hand , a damning evidence of what i'd never seen coming . the stain doesn't leave my skin now , I scrub it off . I'm bleeding now , it's all scarlet . It's inescapable red that haunts me . It's the color you left me with , that i see as i bleed.

I'm covered in red , colored in shame. I look up as all I feel morphs into pain. I pray no longer as I come undone.

Graveyard grows flowers and I'm covered in them. I flush out my flesh in hopes of finding my saving grace.

Love is carnage, it's a gamble with high stakes. It's always the house that wins, the master of the place asks for their pay. I pay in full , pay in pain. In death, I find my eternity. My cold shaky bones wrap around your wrist , feel your pulse and revel in it. To me, death is a familiar ground. So I pick flesh off your bones , shred it and take a look. I break you, one bone at a time.

This recklessness refuses to cease it's old ways , relics of its carnage lay at my feet. Your memories collect dust , my honeycomb soul weeps in their shadow. What's so beautiful about this gore anyway? Bloodied , purple skin is all I sport these days. Some call it art, I call it pain.

There's a way out I refuse to take. I'll find my way back into myself again. For now I remain frozen in place. let the seasons change, let winter make its way. let it coil it's winds around me. let it lull me into a peaceful slumber once again. that day, i'll walk away.

[letterstomydearsomeone]

Dear Someone,

I stepped out the door

not because i was leaving

i stayed on your front porch ,made a home out of it.

not because i was staying

I wanted to knock on your door

though i had a key to it

and watch you open it

smiling

and i stepped out the door

i trust the one i love to be the stronger one

i know you are taking the hit

i know you hate it

once i was fluent in waiting

now i am fluent in painting your silences to be what they truly are.

phases of darkness? No. Just another pirouette , just another pirouette. Let the earth dance until , until you.

I'm a throbbing aching exposed vein

all my feelings , i flushed em down the drain

I know you're thinking you've said it all in vain

I sit in rain , i sit in rain.

Cause I can't let you see this pain.

Make me stay. Make me stay . Don't you dare walk away . Just walk away.

I'm owning pain , I'm not insane . I'm just owning my pain and I am not so sane.

I- I tore the clothe that we're both cut from , burnt it down so there's no show down.

Need you , want you. Need you , want you. No, I hold you down. I drag you down.

Need you , love you. Want to see you. No we can't keep this going on. You win this round.

I know I hurt you but I love you. Want to hear you , want your warmth. Oh no I don't. Keeps going on.

I'm not ready. This is scary. Just keep moving on .

No we were fully formed .

I'm sitting on the ground , knowing it's not hopeless. Wondering how I could let myself be homeless.

Poisoned in the mind but poised in the way I stood. I look at you and know that I can't answer all the things I could.

You think I don't hear the thumping of your heart as you say the things you shouldn't. I hear it on the door I long promised that I would lock and I did. My hands reach the lock on their own and hold it in my fist , hoping I could tug it off.

I remember December 24th , I'm sitting on a bench and they're talking bout the scrolls of something I can't talk about. Now , I'm on the ground. I remember now, what it's about.

I still can't tell you how , they told me how not to open them cause. It's not time yet , it's not time yet. If you would , then...

My thoughts are out of reach, u are causing a breach.. I walk them back. They're running back to you.

Now I'm on the ground , on the ground . On the ground , digging. Burying doubts and my heart , along with it. 6 feet in , still it tries to crawl out . In the ground , I nail it down . Tell you that it had gone cold. In the ground.

Do you hear it? My heart cracking as I tell you it's not fair at all. Do you think I heard it when you told me , that it's all good on your part?

I keep watching you watch me with my head faced north. I keep telling you we are nothing , we'll fade out. All my doubts , screaming now, from the ground. You can't hear them now. And I know you got no way to dig them out.

I remember being a hungry child . My mother feared my appetite. She'd feed until there's nothing left , they said. Here I am , my plate empty . My hunger morphed into a different kind. My stomach's bitter , my mind filled with hunger. I wonder , I wonder how could a butterfly morph into a moth. How it fell into the fire for a second of warmth.

I carry a face that keeps me from my name . This invisible weight gives me no gain. I wonder if you see it, I wonder if you'd get it.

I see you hurting , crying as I say that we are burning down. I wonder if you can stand the heat . I find no phoenix in sight , just a madwoman ready to burn.

At the stake , with a lot at stake. Here I am , catching fire.

[letterstomydearsomeone]

Dear Someone,

I know what's being in love after all

It's kissing you on the temple and saying nothing

It's looking at you and watching my eyes zeroing in on just you

It's holding your hand cause it's the only thing holding me from my miserable mind

It's telling you it's nothing but holding love in my eyes

It's letting the tears trail my cheeks cause I can not let the words out sometimes

It's loving you and holding my breath

It's almost losing myself

It's feeling lost and finding light

It's listening at you and letting my fists unclench

It's telling you about my dreams and meaning it

It's the sickness called longing

It's the fear that haunts me in your absence

It's all those exchanges of reassurance

It's the smile that holds a million words

ones I seldom voice out

somehow you hear them all

The essence of your heart in mine, for safekeeping

Playing with your hands and telling you I'm anxious

The weight off my chest with every word I utter

I tell myself , this is love , this is it

If this is all we have , then this is all I want

It's being told "we'll always be fine

We'll find our way back to each other, right in time"

It's dancing as they all she , "she's lost her way"

Somehow , you never see it that way.

It's past lives and conversations well past ten

It's everywhere and

I'm afraid , Nowhere else

But here

Just here

[letterstomydearsomeone]

Dear Someone ,

Misfortune sits at my door . On some days she knocks , the other days she knocks it down. I'm not complete the way you want me to be. I'd make wrong choices over right ones any day of the week just so I don't have to go weak . Ironic , I know.

I don't know if that's what compels me to choose these things. Is it penance? This punishment I order upon myself? There's a book with my hit list, it has but one page stained in ink. The ink screams my pain, the tears mark my disdain. I loathe myself on some days. The form I'd taken up to be called a person fills me with contempt.

My thoughts , my misery , my love , my hatred, the light , the darkness , all of them are shapeless . Why must I bear the weight of this brawn? It's heavy. This lead-like thing that sits in my stomach is sinking me further into the well of quicksand my thoughts have built around me.

This sickness, namely flesh , is robbing me of my voice. It's silly , it's strange . The abhorrence I hold for this life is more restraining than its freedom. I tied a gordian knot between you and I. I once thought it'd hold us tight. As a child , I seldom believed in fairies . You took form of a light too bright for my darkness. Now that you're gone ,I grieve my shadow.

I'm afraid there's one too many things I've got to tell you. They overlap and condense themselves into a form I can barely tear apart. They've long lost their meaning.

On some days , I leave my door open. I Look misery in the eye and walk back in. I leave it in hopes that you'd hear me beyond my primal cry. I sit with my misery and have a cup of tea. Look to the door with hope in my eyes , it dims with the darkness . Darkness sets in them as the light seeps from the windows.

I shut the doors back again. I should've known , I should've known.

This is how stories end, not the way they taught me they would.

I should've known. I've always known.

My fears took a shape; I call it by your name.

It's funny how love and fear hold a similar place yet have different names.

If only someone looked closer , they'd see that I called them both by your name.

[letterstomydearsomeone]

Dear someone ,

I met someone with sleepy eyes and a faux smile. I see a lot of him but keep mum. I am terrified of running out of words , running out of things to tell him. Maybe it's all a part of the plan I never knew how to read .

Perhaps it's just another twirl earth took around herself for everyone. I see the sand slip through the bulb of the hourglass . With him around I feel like I can count the crystals falling down. How many times do I say his name for it to be a sound just at the tip of my tongue.

He twists my arm , he stills my heart . He falls apart , offers me his arms. He never calls me love. He feels like lightning on my skin, He brings me to tears and brings me to my knees. Through a cracked screen, with a broken heart I see him pour out feelings he'd never let me pore over when the dark blanket of the night comes off.

I'm talking to the walls again , I'm five in the nights . He lights up my forest like a fire down hill. He dances around the truth . When I dance with him , I feel electric . He's got the weight of the world on his shoulders , the thoughts worth million books in his mind. I wish I could pick him up , I wish I could pick him apart.

He feels like a cacti I've planted in my grandpa's room . The one that stung , the one that makes me smile when it's all blooms. His roots grow stronger in my soil . Deeper , more sure , everyday he grows. It hurts to hold him. I knew how it felt to hold him once . I knew how it felt to feel his life in my arms . It feels like de ja vu somehow. I met him before , lifetimes ago . I feel it , I feel the truth shake my jolt my framework.

On days I hear a smile in his voice while he takes my name . All is well with the world. I search for ways to tell him I love him without using phrases that scare him. Even his name sounds like a phrase. I don't say the words, I let it hang in the silence between us. I love him , I love him so...

[letterstomydearsomeone]

Dear someone ,

Forget me not , for i never will

forget me not , I love you still

Forget me not , forget me not

Forget me not , i never will . I have a chest full of drawers , files full of memories. They're collecting dust as I move with time. I dance to the beats I once played for someone still . I pick up the cake she hates the most with a silly smile gracing my lips. I walk through aisles run my hand across a tie die shirt and think of someone else.

I pick a game , think of him . I pick a flower ,think of another long lost lover. I read a book , look at a quote and think of her. I watch the sunset and think of a friend. Every moment I live now I live with the web strings of moments I've lived across the time . I think of some fondly , my heart twists over some memories.

Can you see why I'm guarded now? Iron wrought gates and titanium shields. Despite the cracks on my door from insistent knocking. I keep it shut still. I spend time collecting locks and latches. I lose memory of their keys lest I let someone in.

Yet I chant in my head, forget me not. Some loses sit like a scab on my skin. I pick at them, turn them into an open wound for the wind to soothe. I sit with the pain to forget where I got it from.

I love to talk and seem shallow. Pieces, broken, I sweep them under the rug. Scars , bleeding, unseen. I'd love to keep screaming but I stay muted.

I try to make it seem like it's nothing, play an act so true you forget to see through. My words hold more bite than weight, a craft I learnt though it was painstaking.

No deep ends , I love to play with illusions. I live in a house of mirrors. I don't love my shadow the way I tell you I do. Habits go slowly , I can't seem to shake this one. Cold and calculating, picture perfect portrait you'd never look at closely.

Blinked back tears when you said you were sorry , I shielded myself with fury. You believed , it hurt that my armor had no chinks.

I know you thought my hypocrisy was showing when I said I trusted you too much. Held too tight , I left bruises. Let go so fast , should've known it would end in shards. Piecing it back I let the sharp edges get under my skin. The band aids on my arms aren't your bruises now.

Feet like a cork aimlessly floating, once sealed a message in the bottle. Don't even have it in me to drown. Once , I was there holding my ground. Once a place, sealed your heart so the blood wont spill out. When did you throw me out? You stopped needing me somehow.

Welcome to a whirl wind romance darling , always ends with broken bones and shattered hearts . Should've been wary but when did I ever have it in me to worry?

[letterstomydearsomeone]

Dear Someone ,

I've been told my ravenous self would end up settling some day . Here I am wanting my bones cracked open , walls broken down into dust . Here I am wanting my blood drunk , skin teared . Gluttony is a sin they say , is it though ? When my greed extends to my need of knowing the skin and bones , the flesh and blood of someone . Is it a sin then too?

Do I need to bite my tongue until I find living tasteless ? Do I need to let the spider web cracks grow into a chasm? I hope not . I shed my shadow for the light. I got nowhere to hide. I'm giving up pieces of myself , do you call it sacrificing or slaughtering oneself?

How long before I'm a caricature of who I truly once was? It hurts to let the light fracture my shadow . Can't someone reach for me in the dark ? The omnipotent disembodied voice is who I've always had for company . They say let the light in , let it burn . How long before it burns through all my skin?

I'm the ten plagues set on the ancient lands of Egypt . Sometimes I'm the plague , sometimes I'm the people . I'm the twisted gruesome experiment , I'm Adam . I'm the monster, the creature that walks through night and day with a mind so blank , it's filled to the brim.

I haunt my old haunts . Somedays I'm the haunting grounds , somedays the haunted. I'm the aftermath of destruction. Some find the distorted image it casts enticing , some find it sinister . I'm not meant for love . I'm filled to the brim and drowning in it . I'm not meant for love , it's killing me. I've outgrown my shoes , I've outgrown my clothes . When will I outgrow this ?

I need a pair of arms to stay wrapped around me as I tear myself into pieces and piece myself back. I need that peace , I need that spark. I need a light like a moth needs flame. To burn itself , fall off as ashes to ground . I need my lighthouse. A person who's the tune to all the songs I've fallen for . Where do I find it? My song , the one I could hum to for all of eternity?

I was told who does not love does not know God , for God is love. Tell me this fear shrinking faith will find me God. I need my star of Bethlehem. I'm on a weaving road filled with fog . When the fog lifts , I'll walk again. If the road forks , I fear I'll pick the wrong turn . Grow me an ivy , let it lead me. I have faith that what's meant for me will find me.

What would be the judgement when my day of reckoning comes? Would I be told I haven't loved enough , longed enough . Love is a verb and so is faith . I am sweating blood from the laborious task. Have I not given enough? I sure hope not.

Find me the spark to my gasoline . Find me something that burns bright enough to warm my bones long gone cold from laying too long in the ground . Untouched , unshaken , lain to be forgotten. It's been a while since they've gone cold. Find me a wind strong enough to shake the dust off my bones.

[letterstomydearsomeone]

Dear someone ,

As a lonely soul , bright eyed , tired inside , I walk the fine line of not giving away and giving too much . I've always been two extremes . It's never safe to stay too long in a glacial house , never safe to walk towards a downhill fire . I tone it back , stay away . It's my way of staying sane .

I have so much to ask , too much to say . I start small , I ask if you like coffee . I stop at that . I wonder if you'd tell me anything . You tell me you don't care too much , you tell me you don't like anything .

I try to hold still , hear things you wouldn't tell . I wonder if it'd be okay to ask . The questions at the tip of my tongue , I stall . You don't scream , it's been a while since your skin felt your tears . I am too much of everything you aren't .

You feel like a twin , you feel like a flickered flame. Once upon a time , I gave too much . Now I give nothing at all . I take , take , take , take and take everything you have . I take your words , hold them to myself . I wrap myself in music of your choice to keep me from the cold .

Shoulders slumped , I take a step back . In my whitened knuckles, I hide my reticence. My silence gets too loud at night , the quiet gets too much . I've been a mad woman , a hysteric one . Been tagged as the furious one , the destructive one . Never trusting , ever paranoid .

I am nothing and too much . I have no bounds , no limits . Sometimes I spread myself too thin , tear at the seams . I spend days broken in two . I don't ask you where you come from in fear you might ask me the same . How would you feel if you saw me digging an old grave in the middle of the night?

What would you say if you saw me bleed on the ground while I made no sound to say I'm in pain? I lost my light on a night I never saw coming . The last of my flame feels too weak to call it thriving . Would you see through lanes of doubts and wreckage gilded with gold ?

I don't know where to end , where to begin . I give you the reins , let that secret remain. You're familiar like a twin I lost , like a shadow of mine from years ago. I wonder if you feel the tug and twist. I wonder if it's nothing but will-o-the-wisp.

[letterstomydearsomeone]

Dear someone ,

I let you leave your mark on my favorite wall , I let you walk in through the door and make me your home . Our first conversation felt like I knew you somehow . I felt like you're the one I'd be falling for . Now I hit the floor and scraped my knees . I'm eating all my feelings .

I don't say a word about it just incase it loses it's meaning. For better or for worse , you asked . For better or for worse , you said. I'm still healing from the day you locked me out . I fell to my knees when you said you're out of love . I bled all my tears out hoping it'd help somehow , it didn't . I'm left with a million doubts , questions of where we went wrong haunt me now .

I barely knew you before I knew I'd be falling in love. I barely caught myself when I lost you. I still watch you from the window , wondering if I'm still the home you want to walk into . I bet my money on never losing you . I watched as I lost to you . I watched it all happen like I wanted to hurt .

I know I'm a conundrum . When we spoke I found hope . You were ready to leave before I was willing to let go . I never gave a damning thought about anybody until you walked in . Then it began , the fear of you leaving I kept projecting before you even had a chance to walk an inch .

I bet I'll leave the light on for forever hoping you'd walk in . You turned me into a tragic story . I was so at peace with being alone , you pushed my walls till I broke . You were ready for the pouring rain of my skies until you weren't. I lost you willingly , I let it happen . I took your guilt , never let you know about it .

The glass pieces from the mirror I broke the night you left still hurt . I trace their edges with the tips of my fingers , let it hurt sometimes . I told you I'd spare you all my pain I can and I did . I told you a week into us that you're the one I'd gladly fall for . I spared no expense , I put all my feelings in . I bet against fate knowing it'll win . So it did .

I'm aware I told you I'm fine with being alone , I let you go . I stay here hoping you'd say something more . I stay up hoping you'd tell me you weren't so sure . I spent all my time only for you to turn around the hourglass and tell me it never happened . I hoped you were worth all the time . I let you turn me into a mess , I let it happen .

You were too scared , I must've been too scarred . I know I need to get my shit together , it's been months . I write this thinking you'd never see this . I swore I'd spare you the pain even if it meant I'd lose myself . I'm still reeling from all those feelings .

I'm doing just fine without spending every painstaking minute of the time I've got pondering . I make up lies to paint over your shortcomings all while knowing you're never coming . i know i left you broke , you bought all my lies . I know I left you home all alone , tried not to look back.

Here I am again , a walking contradiction . I swear I don't feel pain while I am soaked in my tears . Here I am , a tragedy waiting to happen . I hold myself with cello tape as I tear my flesh to get you outta my veins . I can't even look into mirror without finding you in my reflection .

Here I am , sparing you the pain like I said I would . I keep my vows close yet I'd never say a word to you , never again.

[letterstomydearsomeone]

Dear someone

I'm spending the vestiges of hope left in me asking someone if faith would really make it all okay . Tell me how can you love someone when you know the end at the beginning . How do you even love someone when you've already seen the day you're going to lose them?

I could never let someone see me at my lowest of lows . So I left every time I found myself believing , every time I myself believing in something that I can see . I wish I could believe in a myth called us . I always love being left to my own vices . I wish I could call back to the past version of someone I left to tell them to hold me closer , to rip the cards that I always play close to my chest .

I've always felt the waters rise , always felt the flood before it flood . I always knew but I tried to stay by the shore . I change again , again and again before I turn back to the version of me I've walked away from.

So I stay in the now and not think about the future . I can't settle my roots so I stay close to the slipping sand of time . Always tryna outrun something though I know it can never be done . I left my pride and tried to give in to love only to be left all alone . Can't be true to myself neither could I be to you . I hit the road after picking myself up and off the curb .

I don't find a home no matter where I go , so I hit the road , I hit the dirt . I find roads less traveled cause I hate companions . If the trees could talk they'd tell you how long I've been hiding in the woods . If I tell you my story , I might just fall apart . If I let it all break loose and let you see through , I wonder if you'd still be standing or hit the road.

I know I'm far from poetry . I know I'm more stony heart than a pulsing piece of flesh . Could you ever be here with me now without thinking of our time running out? Would you run your fingers along the raw wounds while I stitch them up? I'm fire and brimstone , ancient pain . I seem like an angel but it's been a while since my wings they were severed.

Would you give up your place in heaven to find a place in midst of my demons? I'd be damned if I let them get close to you , told you I'm made of dark more than light . The little light I've got left in me might burn you to nothing . Not even ash would be left as evidence of what we were before I let myself walk too close to you .

I set my dreams on fire and drowned my happy years before I ever met you . All I want is those ashes to turn into dreams again . All alone and I'm fine with that . Gave into the fire and let myself trust only to turn into dust that the wind swept up.

So I am questioning the worth of it all . I sat with my anger and I sat with my grief. I found friends in myself I didn't need . I feel like I'm walking into a fogged up path knowing not where it would end . I am losing my breath in hope of finding an end to it all .

I am not my words , I am not my mind . I am something even I don't recognize sometimes . I don't find myself in my shadow or reflection some days. Some days I feel like the sun , some days I feel like Icarus rushing to be one with the sun . I end up being burnt or being the one that burns everything that tries to make a home in me .

I keep speaking of home and heart all while knowing I'd find none .

Tell me it's worth it , tell me having faith isn't a losing game. Telling me hoping won't leave me insane . Tell me it's okay , tell me it's okay to believe . Maybe for a minute I'll let my mind rest enough to have faith in your words . Maybe I'd let myself breathe before I turn into stone. For a minute , I would let all be known and hope to find something that's worth it all .

Look at me like you always knew that I was meant to be walking towards you .

[letterstomydearsomeone]

dear someone,

You hold my heart in your fist and don't even see it.

I break in silence , the cracks invisible . I fix them up at night , glue pieces I didn't break. I've gotten so good at walking out that staying makes me feel uneasy . There's an unsettling feeling in me that won't go away .

I wonder if your hands would fit right into mine , I wonder sometimes if I'd ever call you mine. I wonder if you're the light to my shadow and flesh to my bone . I wonder if you'd see through it all and find it in you to walk past the wrecked walls .

I wonder if you'd recognize me even when I don't . I wonder about it all . I fall asleep to screams and not lullabies . I fall asleep to cold not warmth . I wake up to morning twilight and run my thoughts away .

I am made of marble , soft yet unfeeling. I wonder if the weight of my emotions would crush you to death . I wonder if you'd see the monster beneath the layers of healed skin and see it for what it is. Not every werewolf means harm , not every monster stars in nightmares and lurks at dusk or dawn.

I'm winter's lonely child . I hate feelings even though in them I'm filled to the brim. I prefer to dry my tears while soaking in rain and walk off the joy in the middle of the night . I never lock the door just so you don't hear me leaving .

There's so many wounds on my skin that I'm left unfeeling . I'm impervious to sweet nothings even though I could say them and mean it . You see I never learnt swimming cause I feel like I'm breathing only when I'm drowning .

There's always an invisible shield between me and everything. I burn so bright , it's sometimes blinding. I’m a hoarder . I hoard things , the good and bad . I let the dead vines of old habits wrap around me .

I built my own coffin , I love death more than life . To me tears are familiar than smiles. I’m as good at loving as I’m at leaving .

I am terrified of starting conversations that I know would have an end. I wonder if running would help , I wonder if staying would hurt . So I walk along with a stranger who's starting to feel familiar as we walk down a path to nowhere . Faces of different someone's morph themselves to another's . I walk , I run and I just got to know if there's an end beyond the horizon .

So I walk , so I halt and run . I do it all singing no rest for the wicked in my mind.

[letterstomydearsomeone]

"It was one thing to know that I had a hole in my life.

But it's completely different thing to know exactly what was missing.

Especially when what was missing is something I can never let myself have again."

- Forget me Not by Alyson Derrick

Dear someone,

Here I am again. sitting in a room neck deep in clutter as a desperate attempt to keep myself from looking around and finding it devoid of you.

I wrote pages after pages in books I tore into pieces to get rid of the evidence. I, too, am soft, beneath layers of titanium. I get hurt, I've gotten better at keeping it hidden.

I got rid of the pages yet my ink stained fingers and mind full of words remind me of what I'm missing. I'll give you one word, you.

Am I chasing after an idea? Are you a long forgotten character from a book I once called my favorite? Given that I know who it is I'm missing, yet when asked who I draw blank on the name and face.

Perhaps this is all a trick of the mind, an evil plot to turn me soft. I hear it at work when I try to fall asleep, the sounds of my heart being unearthed. I swear there were more layers of dirt above it than I woke up to find out where it remains.

I carry a weight sized you in my arms, invisible but felt . Unseen but ever present. It grows heavier. Each day I wake up to find I've turned softer and this weight has grown heavier.

I carry it anyway, I named it you. I have a you shaped shadow on my bed. I spare a pillow on your side. I shuffle in my sleep, snuggle up to the cold empty space that's yours. I stretch until my arm hurts, I wake up in pain and realize you're a thought.

You're out there wondering where a road leads, I'm here hoping it leads to me. In the sleepy summer afternoons, I seek you out in the heat. In the rainy mornings, I wonder if you smell my side of the earth.

In the middle of the night, I dream of arms that feel like a warm blanket instead of the shackles I bind myself in. I wonder if you'll ever leave without scars left by the grip I'd hold you with. I wonder if you'll look beneath my lies and still find it in you to stay. After all I'm a monster made of mistakes. I'm no saint, I've walked no where holding a torch to burn a "witch" because she carries light .

I'm made of soil and dirt. Where you've got flesh and bones, I've got shackles and thorns. Would you hold me and be left unhurt? Would you brave the waters or sink beneath the surface and carry a lore long forgotten like a pearl? Would you brave the waters? After all I'm made of dark cold waters that even pirates won't tread. Would I sink you to death or would you thrive beneath the surface?

If you're just a thought why do I carry a dent shaped you in my heart?

I wonder and wonder. Oh how much I wonder about a person I've never met. It's this innate longing I loathe the most. I've walked this earth with you once lifetimes ago, ever since my bones carry your memory. I try to reach in and tear out my flesh, I try to hold it without hurting myself. But there you are, buried in deep. Beneath the skin, beneath my flesh. There you are, holding me up, all while you're out there carrying me in your bones. There you are walking into someone's arm , holding them like your arms were meant to hold me. I wonder when it'll be us beneath this roof.

[letterstomydearsomeone]

Dear You,

If I were to choose, I’d choose you.

Everyday over everyone I’ve ever loved and everyone I’d ever love.

If I were to choose, I’d choose to write a story with you in the beginning and you in the end.

A future without you seems so bleak, I’ve written endings of every new beginning seconds after they began. I have a timeline for everything and everyone.

It hurts when I’m right but I’m right every time. Would you be the one to stop me from playing my favorite act- The Houdini?

You’re everything I believed I’d never have but prayed for anyway. You’re everything I looked forward to meeting as a child with hope in her eyes.

Too good to be true but somehow it’s you. Would my fate twist the ending and hurt me again? Would you be the temporary one and walk away? For once I’m putting faith in someone that isn’t me or the almighty. I question him and his existence cause I lose everything I glance upon fondly.

Perhaps I’m the Bluebeard cursed to have no Disney ending. There's skeletons and preserved flesh of almost somethings I try to keep locked in a room. Perhaps I’m Persephone with no Hades to rescue me. I'd still choose to count 6 morsels of something deliberately to write my own fate. I’m lost in dreams and drifting through reality could you pick me up from that cardboard box of Lost and Found? Would you know that I want to be found ? Would you know I want to be known?

Would it be okay? Would it be fine?

Doesn’t believing set the inevitable in motion?

I sold my soul to the dark , there’s no light left in me. When my flesh is sliced, there's only ink.

Can’t you see that my destiny isn't something I can pin to my skin in ink?

I ruin things unfeelingly. My hold chokes the life out of everything lovely, at times they slip away from the cracks of my hand. I'm a wild thing, dancing to my own beat.

I’m a wild thing throwing caution to the wind.

I’ve got my head in the clouds but feet rooted to the ground. I’m a paradox with a labyrinth for a mind. I’m always counting 4 to get go ,always on my toes ready to fly far.

I’m terrified of home, I’m terrified of the likes of you. Can’t you see I’m always on the run, hoping for a steadfast rock that could keep me in one spot?

[letterstomydearsomeone]

Dear someone,

There are random fragments of people I’ve piled up in my mind. It’s like having pieces of puzzles you’ll never find. Stray papers litter my room, stained with Morse code in ink. I can’t use them again.

It’s a mess, post-its of lyrics I have a habit of leaving behind.

I’ve memorized someone’s love language, I don’t remember loving someone apart from them that way. It’s far from garbage.

I have notes of music I’ll never listen to yet they rent my mind, play like it’s magic.

I remember someone’s favorite flowers, I still grow them in my garden. It’s funny how they’ve never passed through it.

I remember a house I once called home, now they say it’s haunted. Guess who she once was is no more. Now she’s just a ghost.

So much of someone else is in me. It feels like there’s parts of me I have no more. Guess that’s what life is, collecting pieces that aren’t yours. Leaving behind what’s yours.