Surviving Med School With Depression
A few days ago I got an ask on my other blog, asking me about my daily schedule during semesters, and how I manage to find the strength while battling chronic depression, among other mental illnesses.
Battling my depression has been a series of reminding myself I don’t have to do everything, I just have to do one thing. Sometimes, convincing myself to do that one thing is a wild cocktail of mental trickery and cajoling.
2 Tsp Reminding myself why I’m getting up
1 Tbsp Guilting myself into remembering how I’ll feel if I don’t do it
1 cup sheer determination
3 cups “you can go back to what you were doing before if you just do this one thing”
Shake it all together, and 99 times out of 100, I get out of bed.
But I have found that sometimes getting out of bed isn’t even the hardest part. Convincing myself to get up and take care of my dogs, tricking myself into thinking I need to use the bathroom so I leave the bed, that’s easy. Those are tricks I’ve developed after years of living with depression even before I went back to school.
The hardest part is reminding myself to study, reminding myself not to give up when I fail an exam, reminding myself I’m smart enough and worthy of this degree, worthy of this profession.
Anyone else who struggles with depression knows there’s no magic pill. There are some days we do better, and sometimes medication helps us power through. But even when the skies clear and the fog recedes, we hold our breath, waiting for the next bad day, wondering how long we’ll be okay this time around.
Now, I don’t have the answer, and I don’t have a magic pill. What I do have, are some things that help me wage the war when it’s the hardest, and maybe they’ll help you.
1. Just one thing.
When things are really rough, I make myself do just one thing. I learn just one thing, memorize just one muscle with it’s attachment points, innervation, and function, or read just one page out of the script. Sometimes once I’ve done that one thing, I can convince myself to do just one more, and other times I really only do that one thing. But doing even just one thing helps alleviate the guilt, and helps make my chest feel just a little less crushed down.
2. Reward yourself.
I use positive reinforcement in my dog training, and it works wonders on myself. Even if I only do that one thing, I follow up with self-care. I take a long shower or bath. I read a book just for fun, because I haven’t done it in a while. I watch an episode of my favorite tv show or my favorite movie. I sit in the backyard and watch the sunset with my dogs. I get a bag of skittles and eat all the red ones. Everyone has their own little rewards. Find yours, and reward yourself.
3. Don’t rush your mornings if you can help it.
I know that some mornings you won’t have a choice, but do try your absolute hardest to give yourself about 20 to 30 minutes of “zen time” in the morning, where you can eat your breakfast or drink your coffee in peace, without having to throw your pants on and stumble out the door. Use that time to just relax and wake up. Don’t focus on your assignments or your classes for the day. Just relax, maybe do some breathing exercises, and allow your body and brain to wake up slowly.
4. You don’t have to keep up with the 1%.
Not everyone can finish med school as fast as everyone else. Not everyone can manage a full course load all at once, and not everyone passes their classes right away. That doesn’t mean you aren’t smart enough. Sometimes when you’re neurodivergent, your brain needs a little more time to process from short term memory to long term memory, and that is okay. It doesn’t mean you’ll be a terrible veterinarian or a terrible doctor. It just means that it takes a bit longer for it to stick. But once it does stick, you are every bit as qualified as the person who learned it faster.
5. Have a support system in place.
I am a huge introvert. Huge. I hate spending face time with people as a general rule. But even still, I managed to find two people who understand that I need my personal space, who don’t mind if it takes me a few days to answer texts, who are happy to have study groups via Skype instead of in person, and who push me and quiz me and test me until it really sticks. There are other people out there who are like you, who study like you and think like you. Maybe they’re at your school and in your classes, and maybe they’re somewhere else and you end up finding them online, like on tumblr. But they’re out there, and they are so important. You need cheerleaders for when you are too sick to cheer for yourself.
Recovery is an uphill battle that never seems to end, but with the right support system, and a lot of mental trickery, you can get there.
