The great big ball of fear
‘You’re afraid you have no talent. You’re afraid you’ll be rejected or criticized or ridiculed or misunderstood or- worst of all- ignored’, Elizabeth Gilbert.
Reading these words from Elizabeth Gilberts ‘Big Magic’ reaffirmed for my 22 year old self that fear amongst creative people is a very real thing, but what we forget is that young people are fear mongered very early on in their adolescence. If you didn’t make good grades, you might have a fear of letting your family down. If you were not a social butterfly you might have feared that no one would ever like you. As you grow up these fears adapt and change and more often than not dissipate entirely; your popularity might not matter as much, but your success and progression as a functioning adult human can become a daily weight on your mind.
Although having a cool job in a bookshop and renting a flat paints a picture of what society might see as ‘life goals’, it still renders the question ‘ what’s next?’. There may be a lot of people that, by this point are happy to sit back and live life one day to the next. That said, it is difficult to sustain being completely content when your success is challenged by the number likes of another friend has on a Facebook status because their newborn ate their first solid food.
The generalised fear that expectations of our success coupled with the censored version of event we allow our peers to see often makes me think, why the hell do we do this to ourselves?
Whether you’re creatively trained or not, the real fear of not being a true success is hidden somewhere in all of us. We may not want to admit it, but it’s there. Such trends on social media are a great example, take the ‘no make-up selfie challenge’, which trended back in 2014 and saw thousands of women go bare faced in aid of cancer research. If it had not been to raise awareness for charity could we not question this as an act of affirmation of self-worth by our peers by effectively baring all? I question this because all women at some stage in their day will go without make up and they will (in spite of what their insecurities will tell them) are as flawless as a warrior princess. And yet it takes a ‘challenge’ marketed by celebrities and popular culture for people to validate overcoming this fear.
There is a multitude of fears young people have to face, all with a lack of confidence that any older generation will offer support and reassurance that things will be okay. It’s an odd time in our lives, which as a child was the point I thought I would have my shit together; yet as I sit here at the age of 22, it’s very clear that you’re still effectively growing up in your 20s. There is only a small number of my peers who can afford to rent a flat, an even smaller number who can yet afford a mortgage for a house.
Our generation sadly is one that will live with their parents for much longer, or until such time as when they can afford to move out to live with their partners as was my case. However, there is still that sense that my generation still have sparks of ambition here and there. They still pursue the careers they want, with admirable optimism. Those that want to pursue their dreams still have an innate sense of fear that what they are doing isn’t good enough. This is where the fear really, really sets in. Of course, speaking to people in the same boat or indeed even those who have been there and done it will say the same thing – your 20s are a weird and pretty messed up at times. If you’re single you might find yourself pressured into dating for the sake of it. If you’re in a relationship and have been for some time certain social pressures start to take root. Personally myself and my partner have been adamant from the word go that the social norms of engagement, marriage etc. would be done in our own time (and when we could afford it).
What validates these fears, and the analogy I like to use is that you are playing a game of squash with these big balls of fear. You have the ability and the strength to hit these balls square in the face knowing that once you have done it once, you’ll probably be capable of doing it a further 50 times. Whilst with each hit it may get faster and sharper, you too will become better at responding and coping with that fear.
Coming back to the big ball of fear in a creative sense, there are methods of dealing with the fear of failure whilst also working on your productivity as an artist. For myself I work in a bookshop as a barista and bookseller. Whilst I’m not directly involved with anything creative, I am exercising my networking skills e.g. speaking to colleagues who are too pursuing involvement in the arts. Talking to people who are likeminded is a big factor. If you can push yourself to reach out to more professionally based resources, even better. For me it’s simply expressing that it is scary and that we are trying extremely hard, but also if you whimsically mention an audition you want to go for, apply for it! If you have friends with any creative background- tell them! These are the people who are most likely to support your ambition. You may not think this works, but simply applying for these things, filling out the casting agents form and starting that first chapter is a start. It could come to absolutely zilch yes, but deep down you might know that your past you will appreciate your efforts in trying anyway.
Now cast your mind back to the squash analogy, if you have done one casting call, written one chapter, or sketched out the outlines to an illustration would you not thank yourself for trying in spite of said fear?
If then you really get on a roll with it would you not thank yourself for trying again and again with these balls of fear, trying to hit back harder each time to build strength and resilience?
Of course we all come to a plateau, a time when there’s just too much on to work on or we’ve just hit a wall with it all. Much like with New Year’s resolutions- you hit the gym for 4 weeks then spend an entire month afterwards coming in from work and necking the nearest bottle of wine. This is reasonable, and it’s probably unreasonable to think that any normal person can maintain their work life, social life and pursuing other ambitions without regularly burning out. Allow yourself a break, but use this time to reset and make adjustments to make things more manageable. But don’t ever stop, your ambitions may adjust themselves and you may have to adjust the game plan accordingly. And if you’re stuck for ideas, immerse yourself in as much as you can of other people work as a means of recharging. The big balls of fear will always be ready to attack, but you’ll be ready.
com":{"sup�m�d��
