lie*lane

Just another person privileged enough to have an internet connection. Anyway, welcome! Being able to express myself and over share (through writing? typing? *semantics* well, now that I'm here on tumblr re-blogging) kept me sane most of the time. So, thank you inventors of technology.

[lie-lane]

Today I woke up even crazier than usual, it’s  probablybecause of my hormones. I just had my period 2 days ago after the miscarriage. I was anxiously waiting for it since the ultrasound result confirmed there wasn’t anything to hope for. Last night I had a screaming match with my boyfriend because he pissed me off my saying some plans he’s had in mind while he still hasn’t planned out what to do for our anniversary. Apparently in a multiverse somewhere in his mind it is normal to celebrate your anniversary and drink with some friends or am I crazy to think that anniversaries are for us?

Last month has been tough and there are days where I still think about what we’ve lost, I sometimes catch myself rubbing my tummy like I still have our kid in there. I try to give him the space that he needs away from me and towards his responsibilities. I understand that he needs his “me time” too and being with me everyday after a tiring day at work could be exasperating. I mean, I myself am tired of me existing so I do I get it he has to get away even just for a day or two.

They say communicate but how do you communicate with someone who is not on the same frequency level as you are. In man’s practical world I am just being difficult and dramatic when there’s hormones and trauma lurking around undealt with. 

[lie-lane]

I’m not perfect, neither are you, we both have issues we deal with every waking day, it even hunts us in our slumber there seems to be no escape. But every drastic changes and predicaments we sailed through albeit not as easily as we would like to, but for a moment when i feel your skin touch mine everything seems unnerving even just for a while and now my love even if we can’t escape the gnawing reality of life but in each other’s presence does it not seem bearable? 

I say bring it on, we deal with it together we’ll grow older together maybe even get rich together, for with you everything seems plausible.

I love you thank you for showing me I can and that my love and patience can multiply tenfold.

[lie-lane]

Hi! It’s been a while, my last entry here was roughly 6 months ago. I should probably explain why, I think I can talk about it without the promise of dry eyes. It has been insane. I’ll get to the point, last November 7, 2017 we were discharged from the hospital after a month of confinement. Nanay’s cancer was back with a vengeance, it was hard not to notice that this one is a real bummer, bummer in the form of multiple tumor in her brain. She was frail, she never fully recovered, she was not her active self. I was told by the oncologist of her worsening condition, despite the warnings I was optimistic, it was Nanay for crying out loud, she doesn’t falter so I chose to be gullible. 6 days after she was discharged she did not wake up. I was there with my brother and sister, this is the second time I saw a family member died before my eyes.

After all the chaos I was fearful of my mental health, surprisingly though, I was soldiering on. My siblings were with me throughout the day, never really having any chance to be alone, honestly, I wouldn’t want to be alone, if it’s bedtime and sleepiness hasn’t taken over I would need someone talking in the background, thanks to YouTube I didn’t have to suffer in silence. I just whipped my phone press play and wait for somnolence, sometimes alcohol also helped.

I started to lose then regain appetite amalgamated with some murky thoughts of hopelessness, an overwhelming feeling of guilt, a recurrence of that dreaded moment that kept rewinding in my head bothering me even at bathroom breaks, I would sometimes catch myself absorbed at these sequential thoughts snapping out with my own reflection in the mirror, I was probably standing there impassive for some minutes. I know that sounded so thespian, but I’m just telling it as it is.

I came to a point when I was not interested of what’s the agenda of the day. I recognize these as some typical signs of despair, instead of giving in I realized that I must take control or just tire myself until there was no chance to flounder into that perilous abyss of loneliness. I distracted myself by clearing out our dilapidated 27 years old house of her hoards, hoards like my now 20 years old cousin’s toys, we boxed and boxed stuffs until we were exhausted. I had to justify getting rid of her hoarded stuffs by watching minimalist explains the effect of cluttered environment on your mental health. Honestly, I never had an issue of letting material things go as my mind is a vast storage for all these memories that’s supposed to go with stuffs. Fortunately, it doesn’t come with hallucinations.

[lie-lane]

less soul

Can we talk?

I need someone to listen

But I am not to admit I am in need

Can you read my mind instead?

Can I just telephatically send you what my mouth cannot mutter?

You see, like nimbostratus my mind is brumous of pragmatic thoughts that kills the idealist in me

As my optimism astray, I am merely soldiering on, barely, soulless

[lie-lane]

“gawa-gawa lang yan, pang mayaman, or emo kalang, maganda nyan maglaslas ka nalang- these are the ignominy a depress person has to go through. Some are here and well because they were aware of its signs and manifestations. They were able to catch it while others are not fortunate enough to get help, they’re probably still out there hiding, masking themselves normal because other people are thinking na nag iinarte lang sila. Is it not enough that we are not addressing this intangible yet REAL issue? And now a popular personality is making it seem like depression is fictitious? Just because they seem “normal and happy” with an aesthetically blessed life doesn’t mean they cannot be depressed, same goes if you’re piss poor. Depression does not choose social status. Please educate yourself. It will also help you point out kung sino yung may personality problem lang talaga.

[lie-lane]

Click bait

This night I wasn't suppose to care, but a click led me elsewhere, there you are with your happy self as I dealt with loss and am dealing with mortality kicking me up and down reminding me of what I could lose, again.

Is this my karma? Am I such a horrendous being? Do I deserve this? Will I ever have a happiness plateau? Will it be my turn? Please I badly need a break. Dear God, please give me a break.

I utter wishes that isn't for me, rarely for me. This time I badly need peace.

[lie-lane]

[fuckyeahchiarabautista]

[lie-lane]

I miss you already Beanie Jean.

[lie-lane]

My 2016..so far

I’d like to say that I’m surpassing another hurdle being thrown at me this year, and instead of elaborating and spot lighting about the miserable aspects I would like to focus on the good stuff, for the sake of my own sanity.

But…

These past few days I feel like I’m falling into depression. I don’t like going out, it’s such a chore convincing myself to get out of bed. But still I do it; there are people that need me, even with my acerbic moods. I wouldn’t like being with me, so that must’ve been hard for them. It’s just that there’s not much of an option.

I’ve been pre occupied with back and forth visit to the hospital with my grandmother for her monitoring routine check-ups and laboratory tests.  After what happened with my grandfather I should be focus on assisting her with whatever she needs. But, like I said I’ve been dwindling down and fighting such a nemesis that is depression. Fuck that emotional wreck of a state!  Maybe the worst part is when you have to appear normal, unfazed because yielding to the symptoms of depression is likely to infect others around you. That’s the last thing I want to do. What I hate about it is I know what I have to do, or at least to lessen the burden. But, I’m really not up for it; perhaps it’s a part of the indications? Or do I secretly relish this?

So...

On the positive note my grandmother’s CT scan results makes up for this issues I’m having, it showed her cancer being in a controlled state. I am relieved, as I always dread result day. I usually have to personally pick up the films with the inclusion of result interpretation. The scenario is like this, after picking it up. I would go to the hospital’s bathroom, sit on the throne, sigh, say a little prayer that goes something like “Dear God, please let this be a good news, out of anyone you would know we need this. Thank you and sorry for whining a lot” I’ll then open the envelope, read the result, try to comprehend the jargons. Doing this for years even without the medical degree I can somewhat comprehend specially the conclusions and impressions. Seeing the doctor had validated what I thought was a good result.

Anyway…

Speaking of good stuff, I know it’s been days since the Diaz-McGregor fight but oh my fucking gosh was that awesome or what? I always root for whoever is fighting McGregor. His antic isn’t really my cup of tea. Do not care much if he’s backing it up. When I found out that one of the Diaz brothers is facing him, I knew for sure it was going to be quite entertaining, and it sure did not disappoint.

I am quite obsessed with the Diaz brothers now. I mean I am a fan even before this win, but Nate just derailed the self proclaimed king.They definitely need more exposure, despite their controversies and image problems. I prefer their method of breaking down their opponents rather than McGregor’s, his is just pompous attempt at being great. The Diaz’s style is raw and basically just for pumping themselves up for the fight ahead.( i might just be contadictng myself here, but you should go watch his Fox Sports UFC196 post fight interview at http://www.balls.ie/mma/nate-diaz-interview-fox-sports/326614)

I was rooting for Holly Holm though; hope she could acquire that belt again. Props to Miesha for being persistent, if she hasn’t submitted Holm she would’ve lost that fight.

End long rant. Do not know when I’ll be in the mood for another one till then motherf*ckers!! 

[lie-lane]

(via https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ov1SOhwfbys)

When I think of death, and of late the idea has come with alarming frequency, I seem at peace with the idea that a day will dawn when I will no longer be among those living in this valley of strange humors.

I can accept the idea of my own demise, but I am unable to accept the death of anyone else.

I find it impossible to let a friend or relative go into that country of no return.

Disbelief becomes my close companion, and anger follows in its wake.

I answer the heroic question 'Death, where is thy sting? ' with ' it is here in my heart and mind and memories.'

- Maya Angelou

[lie-lane]

They mess you up, your Mom and Dad. They may not mean to, but they do. They fill you with the faults they had. And add some extra, just for you.

Philip Larkin

[lie-lane]

They say that girl you know she act too tough tough tough Well it's till' I turn off the lights, turn off the lights

[lie-lane]

Hoping for Good News

I was suppose to start at "Not to sound dramatic" but we know how that initiates a drama entry. Not that this doesn't demand for drama.

We're back at dreaded times again. It started when my grandmother noticed a 1.5 cm lump behind her left ear last January. If she doesn't already have cancer, it wouldn't be that alarming. So off we go at her oncologist. She had flu that time, and so was the majority of our population, who were victimized by their bodies' inability to deal with the occasional cold weather we're experiencing here. She was given an antibiotic for 2 weeks to deal with that lump. When we return for the follow up, that pesky node shrank, but didn't dissipate as we hoped. The doctor advised us to give it another month and just observe if it will hurt, or worse increase in size. A month passed and that mother effin' node still exist, it hasn't swollen, it retained its size but it's still there. So the doctor gave us two options. One is to have it removed. Two, we could wait for another month, since that pestiferous node isn't growing anyway.

We decided to have it extracted and the sample checked out. We're out of the hospital now, but I'm still antsy about the results. She had 33 sessions of radiation already. I don't know how her body can take another session of such. I just hope for a benign decision. She deserve that. She really does. If only it works that way.

[lie-lane]

BoB - Lovelier than you I wish I have the energy to type about it.

[lie-lane]

some pops are here!!

You know you're addicted when this is the best news you receive today.

[lie-lane]

Hectic

I drifted away. I knew it was bound to happen. It’s been a crazy week and after I fall off the face of the blogging world (not to anyone’s dismay) it’s just that I’ve promised to document my life this year.

I’ll try to remember everything that happened. The hectic schedule started when my uncle went home from his work base. He missed Christmas and New Years with us, but that’s our life. He came with a ride and a chauffeur to drive us around on different itineraries.

This is the summation of what went down.

January 6 – Grams and I went to the hospital to have her scheduled Dobutamine Stress Test. We were driven there by my uncle’s chauffeur. The procedure took about 2 hours. I believe we went directly home after that.

January 7 – Today’s itinerary is to get the original registration of our SUV at the retailer’s office. It’s located at a place we’re both not familiar. They’re pretty strict at parking there so we had a hard time looking for the specific building thru the car. We ended up parking 5 blocks from where we should be.

January 8 – We went to the City Hall to pay real estate taxes. We paid for 3 houses. It was a bit hefty, but considering that 2 of the ancestral house were bought cheap (atleast on today’s standard) the property tax as compared to our new house wasn’t that copious. We finished early so we went to Registry of Deeds to settle some release papers with regards to our SUV’s registration.

I think it’s the same day that my uncle and I went to the mall to buy some purses to be given as gifts.

January 9 – Grams and I went grocery shopping and I had to tidy up the house because tomorrow my college friends with their kids (my godchildren) will be here.

January 10 – I tried to wake up early, but failed, it was near noon. So I had to speed up the cleaning process. I had to pick them up somewhere near the highway, cause they can’t seem to find the house. I had foods delivered and as happy as I am that they visited me, money was shed that day. I know it’s bad to deliberate on monetary issues. But it’s not even the end of the month yet. And I’ve been spending money like it’s the end of the year. Oh well! It’s not like I usually splurge.

Also, I got drunk pretty easily. I felt my lips stiffening on our 3rd bottle. It’s a sign of aging or I’m just really not conditioned for this.

January 11 – We woke up pretty early considering that I slept around 5 am. I tended to my guest’s brunch. We just hang out before they went home.

January 12 – I submitted essential documents for registration of our SUV at De guzman’s office. I finally found an adapter for my tablet. Kenny the new dog ate the damn cable.

January 13 – We went to get my grandmother’s Dobutamine Stress Test result. Thankfully, the doctor said her heart is normal. But we still worry about the indications she’s having. We also visited her oncologist since a lump is visibly seen at her neck near the right ear. She suggested for her to get a series of blood test and chest x-rays.

January 14 – We went to meet that inside person from the infamous government institution to give her a share of that transaction she had finished for us (sleazy, but that’s life here) You have to find a sleazy individuals for things to get done.