[disc80s]

hot girl summer but only in air conditioned spaces

[toastbutteregg]

[toastbutteregg]

Source: The Funniest Tweets of the Decade

[anxietyproblem]

[life-without-c]

It's almost 3:00 AM. I've been up 3 times already with baby tonight. My mind is overwhelming and I need to get this out before I can fall asleep.

Things have never been good with my in-laws. They do not approve of N being with me and they firmly believe their now poor relationship with him and his decision to end his career in medicine is 100% because of me. There is very little contact with them, but his dad called a couple of weeks ago and N decided to answer. His dad stated that he doesn't understand why he doesn't talk to them, he said because it's difficult and it makes him sad. His dad said it makes them sad that he doesn't talk to them and said some heartfelt stuff and finally ended it with, "You and [baby] are still our family, we love you both." N told him his entire speech was very telling because not once did he mention his wife and his dad gave some lame excuse.

His dad's words have weighed heavily on my mind ever since. Somehow they felt different than they have in the past. More absolute, maybe. I know N chose me, I know it's his life, but I also see the sadness he has over not having his family... and I don't think I can be with him knowing my place in it.

I don't know which way my soul would feel saddest. Standing between him and his family, or giving up my partner by giving him back that happiness and belonging.

[life-without-c]

I have been binge eating for the last two or three weeks. I've honestly lost track, maybe it's even longer. I've tried listening to this Brain Over Binge podcast. It says that your higher brain has to realize you don't want to eat or something but the thing is... every part of my brain is engulfed in darkness. I eat because I want to self harm. I eat because I can't really come up with a good reason to keep going. So I eat food that tastes good and I snuggle with Little C when I'm not struggling to get through the work day/every other aspect of life right now.

I took him in for his 9 month well visit today and he's pretty significantly behind on his gross motor skills. All I can think about is how I'm failing him. Logically I can talk your ear off about how I'm not worried 😊 because every baby develops differently 😀 at their own pace 👍 and this is just his pace ☺️ but internally everything is a mess. I think about Big C and how badly I failed her, and now I'm failing him. I just want him to be happy and healthy.

I'm also not sure what's happening in my marriage right now. He said he doesn't know if he can do it because when he thinks about it, it just feels like work. This is an immediate trigger for me and I shut down. My ex used to say things like that. Loving me is hard, loving me is work. I told him that would have been nice to know before we had a baby or, you know, before we got married. He's assured me he was referring to the housework and things of that nature that I want his help with regularly and not me, but I'm not in a place right now where I can get my brain to refocus the statement. What I heard is that I'm work and he's not sure that I'm worth it. I feel broken.

In other news they want to give me more responsibility at work and I'm barely holding my shit together as it 🙃

[life-without-c]

If you think this is the only donut I bought today, you're way underestimating the amount of anxiety I'm trying to drown with food.

[sixpenceee]

🦋 🦋 🦋

Link

[together-or-forever-alone]

=))))))))))))

[i-magerie]

[life-without-c]

Life feels like a giant meaningless pit of despair. I live every day for others. I do nothing of value; not at work and not at home. And no matter how much I love my son or how much happiness he brings me, I am aware every single moment that at any time he could be ripped from me.

[life-without-c]

I started seeing a new therapist a couple months ago. C stuff has been harder and harder and I felt like it was finally time I deal with her death. After my first appointment, the lady diagnosed me with PTSD and has since spent every session trying to teach me new ways to meditate in one way or another and she eventually wants me to try EMDR.

So... I quit because meditation isn't going to stop this. It isn't going to stop my soul from physically aching for her. It isn't going to stop the flashbacks of every bad moment we had together. Every moment I was an imperfect mother to her in her short life and every moment of that day and the following four.

I'm going to cry myself to sleep thinking about her and worrying about Little C dying, too. I have to go back to work tomorrow so I guess I should at least try to get a decent amount of sleep.

[life-without-c]

My in-laws

1. Sat outside of my wedding crying.

2. Would not speak to me at all (even extended family) at said wedding or the breakfast the next morning.

3. Never asked about me during pregnancy, but expected updates on baby.

4. Barely acknowledged me when they were here in our home meeting my baby, did not even say goodbye to me when they left.

5. Have only asked about my son once since leaving our home on July 6th, and when they did they expected us to send pictures (we did not).

6. All of a sudden sent a $1,000 check for Christmas as if money is a bandaid for all of the emotional pain they've put my husband through over the last almost 5 years because they don't approve of me for a myriad of superficial reasons that equate to them thinking I'm not good enough for their son and that I've ruined his life.

While it would be nice to deposit, I am so grateful to be in a situation this year where we don't *need* it. Had they sent it last year it would have been hard to turn down. We were living paycheck to paycheck, barely making it. This year the attached emotional baggage isn't worth it.

[life-without-c]

It's officially Christmas. As many Christmas's without C as she was here for. I filled my bathtub up with the hottest water I could and am just exploring my sadness. The water is cooling off, my toes are pruney, and I'm dreading climbing back into bed.

[life-without-c]

I have been in such a bad place lately. I feel like a garbage stain on this world and I'm just slowly infecting those around me.

I passed an ambulance and saw the paramedics going into a house by my parents' on Thursday and it immediately threw me into a flashback of that morning. And then I saw a funeral procession yesterday and I started crying.

The holidays feel empty and the only thing I'm looking forward to about celebrating with extended family is the queso I ordered from Qdoba.

My baby is just... amazing. I am overwhelmed by my love for him and his laughs and smiles are beautiful. He's happy, healthy, and thriving and I feel awful that I'm not able to just enjoy the holidays for his sake. A part of me feels like I can get away with it this year since he's an infant, but I really hope I can work through this stuff before he knows better. I hope I can be less of a garbage stain.

[life-without-c]

Little C had a follow up with cardiology today. No long QT, but the EKG "suggests an enlarged heart".

So I'm laying here awake. TMI, but bleeding through a super tampon every half an hour to an hour. Unsure how I'm going to hit 40 hours this week for work with everything I have going on outside of work. I wish I could quit and just snuggle my baby all day long.

[life-without-c]

I had jury duty the last two days and... I have no hope for our country.

[liz-cat-meow-deactivated2020011]