âThe grief process begins with another decision: to let your feelings be there. I had to teach myself how to do this, particularly when my feelings were sad or angry. As I learned to feel, there were some days when I would stay home (âŠ), close the blinds, get the pillows, and just let myself cry, scream, hit pillows, or do whatever I needed to do to let out steam. At first, I just sat there and no feelings would surface, but I knew that there were mounds of feelings because they would come out in other ways when I least expected them. Eventually, giving myself this time, my tears would begin to leak and then pour. The trick was to let them be. To feel them. This is difficult when you have been taught to stuff it or suck it up or not to feel anything, to be phony, to pretend everything is all right when it isnât. Sit with those feelings. Sit with the pain. Manage the anxiety and depression that come with it so you can work through it. Donât try to talk yourself out of it. Others around you may try to do this. No one wants to see you hurt, and your loved ones may not understand how important this is, so donât listen to them. Let yourself feel! When the old denial tries to reassert itself, or the critical internal messages begin again, chase them away. Tell yourself that you deserve this time to heal. (âŠ) You may begin to try to rationalize away the pain. âI shouldnât feel this way,â or âI didnât have it that bad.â This wonât help. Whatever is there you need to release. Let it be. Sometimes in order to do this you have to be quiet and take time to be alone. If you are used to keeping busy to avoid the pain, or to using a substance or some addiction to numb the pain, you will notice the feelings coming up when you slow down and sit quietly or allow yourself to be alone. This is very important to do. Set aside some time alone solely for this grieving process. Do it several times until you begin to feel relief. Try several different things until you find what works for you. I do best when I am home alone with shades drawn. Some women like to take long walks, go for long runs, hike in the mountains, go for long drives, or sit in coffee shops. Everyone is different, and it is important for you to find your comfort zone. The most important thing is that you allow it to happen.â
