An Empty Canvas

I could use some color. Just a collection of whatever catches my eye from art, design, fashion, technology, politics, money, business and just generally a place for my head deemed too dangerous for normal people. Follow me, I follow back.

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Looking back at all these old posts, I forget who or what some of them were talking about. All I know now that as an old man...

I Really Was Never Good Enough

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5,296 miles away

She’s always wearing different faces and finally I got to call her my own. I’m older now, understanding now, wiser now or perhaps just tired now. Tired of being defeated even after I’ve done everything right. It’s just always been the same girl I’ve been looking for, just in different people. I managed to convince her she deserved just a bit of happiness. And we were...But now, now she’s so far away. A young me would’ve been so much angrier but this is me now. Adult me has learned that many times, love is not enough. But this love, felt so much like a young love. So a hope burns in reserve. A lighthouse shining over an ocean of storms. Adult me knows she needs the mental clarity and freedom from the obligations of love and romance to focus on her duty. Her mouth says one thing but her lips say another. If this is what you need to do your job then so be it, You’ll never stop being my girl. I will pine for you until your return.

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Hello familiar faces and odd spaces...

2022

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2019

A new age of maturity and tempering the bitterness into apathy and ultimately self love, improvement and masturbation. Hello Jack. Welcome back.

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Sometimes...

I come back here to reflect on the pain. To fiddle with the knives that have been so firmly planted into my back. To feel the hurt again, to remind myself of the hurt and to remind myself to be human. Still...I will go through with my mechanizations. Not now, not soon but I promise you Jack before it’s all over. They will remember who you are. We forgive, but we never forget. 

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I think...

At the end of it all. I just want to be loved as much as I loved. And the desire to be loved can drive someone to the depths of insanity. Something so illogical, so powerful that it could it begins and ends lives or is the meaning of one’s journey in life.

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Ya know what...Can’t make an excuse for you...It’s time to summon the demon and ride the lightning. Vengeance will be the only satisfaction. Fuck the high road. Can’t make an omelette without denying some chicks their right to a domesticated factory farmed life as food. My life’s work will be to end yours.

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I forgive you because you’re on you’re on one but realize how easy it is to hate and destroy you still....Really now, don’t dredge that shit up because it will be upon my dying breath to see those old dark pacts fulfilled. And it’s even worse now because you have even more things you care about to lose.

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I think I prefer the idea moreso than the actual person.

Her

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Oh...

I see that despite asking about plans the entire day and saying I had this day and the next day off...I wasn’t invited to the festivities. Worst part is, you lied through your teeth about it. It’s supposed to be a new me but ya know, this drags back the hate. We shall index and remember this for later. A silver bullet for sure. For a beast to be slain later.

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You ruined my happiness so in turn, I will yours at its heigth.

Vengeance

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The rain can’t wash you if you’re laying in the dirt, and the pain can’t change you if you blame it on the hurt.

The storm

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And so she’s gone...It’s slowly sinking in...I thought I’d be strong about it. I was genuinely happy for this new start, away from the toxicity of this city. And I am truly honestly happy for her. I gave her my blessing but now the darkness has come knocking. The realization that my crutch and sunshine that used to brighten up my days has come and gone and I am truly alone now. It’s funny how our roles have switched with the passing of time. I know I’ll be okay. I know her best. She knows me best. We’ve seen beyond the masks we’ve worn to cover our scarred faces and even underneath those scars to the ones we bare on our broken hearts. In the end, I approved...Because the truth was...Nobody was really capable of taking care of her...But if she should fall. History would repeat itself. As it has, years and years before. Since the day I first saw her. Love is quite the toxin. So venomous yet...It gives you the highest high and would risk even death for it...I understand completely now. Before when I said unconditional...I meant it then but lost it on the way due to selfishness and ego...Because our own priorities changed and I tried too hard to hold onto something that wasn’t there anymore. But I know you’ll be back, because you’ve always said you’d be back, time and time again. And hopefully next time, you’re a little wiser, a little older and I’m not too much of a mizer. And I suppose with that...This blog will remain silent and dead again...Until the fire in my soul stirs once more.

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WTF am I doing wrong? ...

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Constantly talking shit behind my back...Why are you making an enemy and playing a victim? I’ve done nothing but help you...Really really? Do I really have to play the villain?

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2017

Not sure I want to see it

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When you try and make peace but they like...Fuck you...Can’t be the better man so might as well be the bitter man.