Why Not This One?
Emily Prentiss x Jennifer Jareau
From JJ's POV
summary: JJ spent years dreaming of the day she'd tell Emily the truth but everyday fear consumed her. It lodged itself into her throat to keep her from saying the words she hoped would escape her.
This fic kinda just fell onto the page cuz pride month and in my mind JJ could definitely use a pride parade after this so happy pride everyone, enjoy and now I have to get back to my math assignment
1474 words masterlist
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The room was silent.
So quiet you could hear the second the thought popped into JJ's mind.
There was a little question that has gnawed at her for so long that she can't remember a day where she didn't think of or look at Emily and wonder what she'd say.
Except it wasn't "little".
No.
This question was so explosive that JJ knew with complete certainty that she'd only find herself asking Emily when she was sure that the answer couldn't hurt her anymore.
Maybe that was a little unfair. They've known each other for almsot 20 years now but not for a moment was JJ ready to ask.
Hell there isn't a moment in the future she can see where her heart doesn't belong to Emily Prentiss.
Maybe if things had gone differently she would have worked up the courage sooner.
Maybe if she hadn't gotten pregnant, maybe if she had said no when Will asked her to marry him, maybe if she had stayed in Paris with Emily like they joked about. So many possibilities.
So many but they weren't worth focusing on now, JJ made her choices and she could never regret having her kids. Those boys gave her a reason to come home at night, maybe things could've been different but there isn't much she'd like to change from her life in this moment.
That part lingers in her mind a bit too long.
'What would I have changed?'
Definitely that weekend trip to LA when the car broke down on the way to the airport and they almost missed the last flight home.
Or the night she and Will had fallen asleep on the couch with baby Micheal and he accidentally watched all of Scream 1.
Maybe even-
No. She would change that night.
It was 2007. Emily had finally found her place in the team, she playfully flirted with Morgan much to JJ's (hidden) dismay. She traded random facts with Reid because despite his knowledge Emily was always determined to find some niche fact to throw him off. She gossiped with Garcia despite have said many time she wasn't a gossip. She drank like a sailor with Rossi and while she teased him for his stories she still listened. She worked harder than anyone else to make sure Hotch knew she earned her place on the team (she didn't feel the need to try as hard when he started opening up to her just a bit).
Any one part of it all could've been enough to have JJ find herself crushing on the new profiler but all together and she knew it was a lost cause. Emily Prentiss had her head over heels in love and she had no idea what to do anymore.
One night they'd just finished up a case and JJ found herself in Emily's room again laying on her bed. Emily was moving around and packing her stuff while her wet hair made JJ want to drool, it fell in this was that was so natural yet stunning that JJ wouldn't have been surprised if it was somehow styled that way. Unfortunately not, Emily was just a painfully stunning woman with equally as stunning hair.
It was a comfortable silence they both existed in. JJ's mind wandered as her eyes kept up with Emily's form moving every which way. Sometimes she pictured that Emily would glace her way as she passes her place on the bed and flash one of her teasing yet intoxicating smiles, then she'd stop whatever it was she was doing just to kiss her like JJ meant the world to her.
It was all a fantasy she'd pictured a million times already but that night she almost broke the world upon which her fantasy thrived off of. "Do you ever.." JJ started but stopped the second she realized what she was about to say. 'Do you ever think we could work? That we could defy the odds? That you could kiss me right now and everything would be okay?'
No.
Its wrong.
For so many reasons, they only legalized homosexuality a few years ago and think of what it'd do to our jobs, her career, to be a queer woman in the FBI of all places.
It was too risky. Selfish even.
"Do I ever what?" Emily asked, she didn't tease. It was like she could just sense that JJ needed her truest form right now. How could JJ be dumb enough to risk her friendship with such an amazing person, all for something that never could have lasted?
"Nothing. I don't remember what I was gonna say," she said with a small smile and a fake laugh. Emily pouted in that way that always made her want to fold. But she wouldn't. Emily was a great profiler. JJ couldn't ask her to face everything just for her.
'Maybe in a couple years..'
And a couple years went, then a couple more.
Before JJ realized, it had been 16 years.
Everyday of those 16 years JJ told herself she'd tell Emily the truth.
The day gay marriage was legalized she'd planned out a whole script, she was going to call Emily if it was the last thing she did but then she overheard all the disapproving whispers and the fear crawled right back into her throat and stayed for all these years.
Tonight though. Tonight felt like all that time ago, that quiet night in 2007, they've traded the hotel room for Emily's bare apartment. The bareness was one of JJ's least favourite parts of the apartment because it reminded her that in just a second, Emily could disappear to wherever she wants but this time she might not come back to her.
The words felt just as explosive now as they did back then but now just a tad less dangerous.
They'd both watched the world change. They watched Tara find her happy ending with the love of her life. They'd watched them love so freely. They'd watched their happiness grow.
In public.
JJ dreamed of being brave enough but it was only on nights like this where she found the fear in her throat begin to slip away. Maybe it was the Emily affect, her cold exterior but warm interior held only for those closest to her, more often than not JJ.
So many words to say.
"Hey Em?"
Her heart was racing.
"Yeah?"
This was the moment.
"Do you ever.."
Her heartbeat was in her ears.
"think.."
The racing had to be loud enough that even Emily could hear.
"that maybe.."
This is it.
"JJ."
A warm hand found hers.
The other found itself on JJ's cheek.
"Open your eyes."
She voice was so soft.
When did she even close her eyes?
It didn't matter, they open.
Emily's face, patient as ever.
She waited.
"Take your time, we have all the time in the world. You're okay."
Soft, kind, gentle.
"Do you ever think that.. in another universe.. you and I could have a chance?"
Freeze.
The whole world stopped right there.
The hand on her cheek suddenly went still.
JJ found her eyes closed again, this time without a soft voice to guide them open.
Maybe time could just stay frozen forever.
There can't be any heartbreak if the heart is to frozen to break, right?
"..why not this one?"
Her voice was so soft.
Clink.
Something too far frozen will shatter under warmth.
Why. Not. This. One.
I don't know.
Maybe she did know.
Maybe there's a million reasons.
Why. Not. This. One.
JJ cursed herself.
Questioned everything.
Why. Not. This. One.
How much time did she waste?
Why. Not. This. One.
16 years of quiet glances.
16 years of holding hands because "that's what friends do".
16 years of shared beds because no one else felt safer.
16 years of wasted time.
"What..?" JJ's voice shook.
"Why do we have to wait for another universe?" Emily's voice was..steady? Had she thought of this before?
"Because… they'll talk?" She wasn't sure, suddenly every "reason" seemed meaningless.
"Who cares what people have to say? Are they living our lives?" "No" "Exactly. These are our lives."
Emily's hand made it back to JJ's face.
When did she move her hand?
Then her other hand came too.
"This is nice."
Emily's face broke into a smile.
16 years and yet her smile was still as beautiful as the day we met.
Emily laughed a bit and a dash of blush crept up her neck.
JJ's face grew hot, "did I say that out loud?"
"Yes, but don't worry. I thought it was very sweet," Emily said.
"I like your eyes." JJ spoke.
"Would you like a closer look?"
Her lips were soft.
And tasted of that cherry lip balm she used when she was nervous.
She tastes right.
tags: @kenna-prentiss @lifeofamonkeybum @writtenbyandrea @midnightprentiss
