5/9/23
A lot.
A lot has happened in the last few weeks. It’s made me take a hard look at myself.
I often would discount my issues and call them temporary. This allowed me to also only temporarily put the work in. Without anyone really holding me accountable, including myself, I never made a ton of progress. After going through all that just happened, I can say with a clear mind that I am not a horrible person though. That took me a few days of feeling sorry for myself before I did what some people don’t think I could, i picked my ass up and started working.
I wronged a few people over the last couple months. The dude I genuinely can see myself being with, the other who was my rock for a decade, and most importantly my best friend. I think it’s taken me this long to write about the last two weeks because I haven’t really wanted to take the time and just flat out spill my feelings about it.
—Mostly because it made me face some very very hard truths about myself.
Do I think I’m broken? I don’t anymore. When I would think or say that, it almost negated the actual need for me to put the damn work in. Tyler would tell me all the time I wasn’t broken, and I just never let it sit and absorb. Young Internal Anthony didn’t want to hear it. I was content, which I have not been in a long time. Like I was with work for the longest time, and then I did what? I started fucking putting the work in. I looked internally, I asked other teams, I applied to like 30 jobs externally. I just don’t know why I couldn’t put the same time investment into the most important thing - myself.
That content allowed me to just exist. After the dust of the breakup settled, my issues were still there clear as day. Unfortunately, it just meant that they were bottled up and came out in two really traumatizing episodes. My initial response to it all was one of hurt. I have every right to feel hurt for the situation. The one thing I don’t get to feel is that I was wronged by the situation. The result, sure maybe a bit harsh - but I can see why he took that step. It’s because he does know the one way to get me to do something. It’s not by embarrassment, joking, or holding my hand, it’s force. He knows that and he’s doing that. But he’s also putting himself first. I’m getting there.
This has easily been the most traumatic experience I have ever gone through. However, the positive changes I have seen in myself already are making me feel like it was needed. I’m calling it a break. I needed to be forced to work on myself and I am.
I’ve spent the last 48 hours calling all day to get myself the accountability I need to get myself back on track. I will probably have the hard conversation with my therapist tomorrow about needing something more intensive. (That will be a conversation I’m terrified of because of his feelings about my dynamic with Tyler). Plus it’s like another mini breakup. I think that I will benefit from this investment and I just hope this energy doesn’t fade before I can get a chance to start. I need to do it. I have a lot of people waiting to see if I can pull myself up and get myself going for once relating to a situation that isn’t about work, finances, or having a tough conversation with someone. I can do so many things that others consider to be hard, but I can’t do what they can which is put myself first.
-I’ve been able to do this for the last couple weeks and honestly, it’s nice.
If there’s one thing he knows about me, it’s that I’m a fucking fighter and that I don’t like being counted out. —Truthfully, it was weird typing that because like I genuinely feel like I am a fighter. I fight for so much in life, but not my mental health, which is by extension, myself. It’s time I take that as seriously as I take everything else in life. I can afford to take a little bit of mental and physical capacity away from other things to get my ass on track.
I think the last 4 days have been the product of me reframing a lot of negativity that I was feeling. Hurt, betrayed, tossed aside, shunned, and so many synonyms of those words. Having to see my friends toe the line between us both is not fair to them. I owe it to them too to put the work in and get this all on track again.
It’s so weird saying that I’m doing things for me. Having to reframe my mental state from a lens of “us” to a lens of “me” has been probably the most terrifying thing in the world. I have not had to focus on Anthony for 97% of my adult life. I DONT KNOW HOW and that’s okay. I am learning as I go though. I think that by saying yes and no more instead of just whatever everyone else is saying,doing, thinking, that I will eventually be more comfortable with who Anthony is. Every day I am still figuring out new things about me because there’s situations I haven’t had to face in a couple of years. Something as simple as why flavor of jelly to buy, or something as large as wanting a Tesla.
Which brings me to that third last word, wanting. I think I truly did my past relationship a disservice by not formulating and sharing my wants. Everything was need based and it severely hindered our ability to have a healthy relationship in so many ways. I got by with so little because I didn’t think I needed to have anything and that I should be happy with what I have and not ask to have needs met or share my feelings because I should just be grateful to have what I do.
Fuck that. I have wants. It’s okay to have wants. I bust my ass too much to not have those wants.
I think I’ll end there for now.
But model Y is coming soon so I’m excited. :)