Life According To mE

Welcome to my world, I share a lot of what I write on here and repost things I like. At times I struggle with my mental health and that shows in my writing. I try to write some positive things too. I love interaction so feel free to connect. All my love, me

[lifeseenbyme]

My tumblr is basically my diary. If you choose to follow it, that’s on you. 🤷🏻‍♀️

[lifeseenbyme]

It sometimes amazes me

How I can be so full of self loathing

Despising every facet of who I am

I see no good in myself tonight

I feel like a monolithic tumor on this world

Some may say that my thoughts lie to me

Hell, the clinical side of my brain says it too

Yet, in moments like this, right now

When self hatred pours from every cell in my body

It’s hard to acknowledge the clinical side of my brain

It’s hard to see past the darkness

It’s hard to understand there is anything worthwhile in who I am

So I guess I’ll take some medication and try to sleep

Slowly dull the onslaught of thoughts that infiltrate my consciousness

Try to find even a short reprieve from the cruelty I carry within

[s1ck-pup]

[lifeseenbyme]

Observing

Always watching

Noticing the world around me

Glancing at face after face

Wondering what is hidden from view

I crave to understand the driving force

Behind each glance and slight smile

That each passerby graces me with

Is it kindness or pity?

Perhaps I’ll never know

But I keep on looking

Searching for an understanding

I’m not sure will ever come

[lifeseenbyme]

And perhaps if I was worthy,

The world wouldn’t be so cruel.

[seaphine]

we all have one foot in a fairytale, and the other in the abyss.

[mournfulroses]

Albert Camus, from a letter to María Casares featured in Correspondance, 1944-1959

[mournfulroses]

Nikolay Punin, from a diary entry featured in The Diaries of Nikolay Punin: 1904 - 1953

[lifeseenbyme]

It’s 1:47 AM

I’m lost within the shadows of my soul

Grieving the life I lost

Long before I had the ability to choose

Knowing that destiny commands my actions

Leading me further into isolation

Leaving me to suffer in silence

Knowing that no one gives a shit about my anonymous words

I wallow in self pity until sleep offers me a short reprieve

A glimpse at nothingness

A taste of freedom

[lifeseenbyme]

The dust has settled on my social life

Reminding me of just how alone I really am

Always talking to people but never really opening up

I live on the surface of connection

Hiding in plane sight

Refusing to allow myself to be fully seen

To have my darkness be witnessed

So I sit alone in the midnight hours

Mourning the life I could have had

If only I was someone else

[lifeseenbyme]

I’m laying in bed at 4:00 in the morning after having slept only a couple of hours and I can’t stop thinking that something is wrong, that I am all wrong. The depression is doing its thing and the last couple of days at work have been so busy that it’s hard to explain the exhaustion I feel. I am sad and alone and so very tired. Later today I will work another 10 hour shift and I’m hoping I can push through the exhaustion and still be effective and helpful. I simply want to be helpful. I want to do good in this world. I hope I make a positive difference even when I feel like shit.

[quotefeeling]

“I am a different person to different people. Annoying to one. Talented to another. Quiet to a few. Unknown to a lot. But who am I, to me?”

— Unknown

[seaphine]

not photogenic but i probably look so good as a distant memory.

[letsbelonelytogetherr]

— Bertrand Russell, from “What Desires Are Politically Important?” (via letsbelonelytogetherr)

[lifeseenbyme]

And maybe, just maybe, by helping others find the light, I too can emerge from the darkness.

[lifeseenbyme]

I cried with a patient today. My heart aches for those who suffer so deeply because I too suffer deeply. I know what’s it’s like to want to die and yet stay alive because death is against the rules. When people on the internet see some of what I write and misinterpret it, thinking I don’t genuinely care about the patients I work with, I have to remember moments like today. I choose to sit in other people’s darkest moments with them so they are not alone. I choose to cultivate hope while validating the pain. Today my eyes teared up as I was able to provide validation and hope to someone in the depths of despair. Even when my own depression haunts me, I hold space for the pain of others. No one should suffer alone. Even when the darkness seems to be everywhere, there are always glimmers found in common humanity. We are not alone.

[lifeseenbyme]

Ours lives have gone in two different directions

Born to the same two sets of genes

Existence told story upon story

And the shrapnel flew from the ground

Landing deep in the soul wound I carry

While you move on and find love all around

I sit in the damage they made us

And ponder each turn that took us apart

Best friends surviving the danger

Now ships passing by in the dark

We landed in separate spaces

I’m haunted

While you found the light

We can’t seem to connect anymore and I’m far too tired to fight