I never announced a pregnancy online because it wasnāt what Andrew and I had planned. We were complete with our blended family. However, it happened. I found out I was pregnant on March 19.Ā
I remember thinkingĀ āshit, I canāt be.ā I called my Nina (godmother) and cried to her. She told me everything was going to be fine and that Andrew was a good guy. Andrew and I were hesitant to tell the kids. We waited until after my first appointment. When it was time to tell the kids, we gathered them in the living room and gave the exciting news. Of course they had questions, but they seemed pretty excited.Ā
The next few weeks and months happened. The kids grew more excited. The girls and I wanting a girl. The boys and Andrew wanting a boy. We thought of different names and never came to decide on any. I craved a bunch of halo halos and hot chocolate. I was convinced the baby was a girl because I craved everything chocolate with Maddie.Ā
This pregnancy I had quite the belly. I was only four months and showing. I didnāt have the bump with Maddie until 5-6 months and 5 months with Ryker. I knew this baby was going to be my biggest.
This past Monday I had an appointment. I was 17 weeks and 5 days, just shy of 18 weeks. Andrew and Ryker came into the room with me. We went over my bloodwork, my weight gain, then proceeded to listen to the babyās heartbeat. This was always my favorite part. My midwife had a hard time finding it. She tried for a few minutes, switched to another doppler, then decided maybe it was best if they sent me to get an ultrasound. By this time I was already worried. The kids, Andrew and I went to another building for the ultrasound. Of course the technicians never say anything, so it was nerve-wracking for me. They sent us back to the clinic. We fed the kids lunch first, then headed back.Ā
My midwife came in the room and told us that the baby no longer had a heartbeat. And while I was 17 weeks and 5 days, the baby was only measuring 13 weeks and 2 days. She said the babyās heart could have stopped beating a few days after my last appointment. I remember not even being able to look her in the eye because I was already breaking down. Everything that came out of her mouth I barely remember. Andrew had to ask all the questions and get all the answers because my head was no longer there. We decided to have the medicine inserted in me to get the baby out and head to the hospital when I started feeling cramps and bleeding.
We got home and stayed in bed for the next few hours. I planned to shower and then go to the hospital, but I couldnāt bring myself to do it. My mom came to pick up Ryker and I had family members and friends calling me. I answered no calls because I couldnāt even talk. Nothing came out. I just cried. And cried. And cried. I eventually got up to shower and told Andrew I no longer wanted to go to the hospital. I decided to just have the baby pass at home and mourn at home in my own way. Andrew took the kids and I to pick up pizza and we told them the bad news in the car. He told them to be patient with me and help me out as much as they can and be there for me as much as they can. He told them he doesnāt know how long itāll take for me to beĀ āokayā but they will have to be okay with that. They checked on me between dinner and their movie night. Andrew came in every few minutes to hold me and rub my back, then would go back out to tend to the kids.
The medication started to kick in and I started feeling extreme pain. It felt like active labor. I squirmed in bed, tried to control my breathing. I finally fell asleep around 10. I woke up around midnight because I felt a burst of liquid. I ran to the restroom and passed a bunch of liquid. Iām not sure if it was amniotic fluid, but it was a lot of fluid that wasnāt blood or pee. I sat on the toilet and started to bleed. Eventually I felt something slipping out. And there it was. My baby. This baby was a 13 week developed baby, so it was a formed. I saw the head, the legs curled up into the fetal position, the tiny arms, tiny toes, tiny nose, closed eyes. I screamed and cried on the toilet until I couldnāt anymore. And at the moment I thoughtĀ āWhy me? Why my baby?āĀ
I got off the toilet and stayed in the tub while I passed more blood and everything else. I stared at my baby. I cried more in the tub until Andrew had to pry me out. He held me the rest of the morning and rubbed my back while I cried. I stayed awake for the next four hours until I finally fell asleep.
People keep telling me none of it was my fault, but how do they know? What if I did something wrong? Iām so angry at my body for not protecting my baby, for not being the safe house it was supposed to be for my baby. Iām so angry at God for taking my baby. Iām so angry at him. I told him I hate him, and I donāt think I regret saying it right now. I just wish itĀ wasnāt me. I wish it wasnāt us. I wish it wasn't anyone. I wouldnāt wish it upon anyone. All I know is that I have never experienced this pain before. Iāve never felt so helpless or broken before. I would do anything to have my baby back.Ā
Iām so sorry my angel. Iām sorry I wasnāt able to protect you like I was supposed to. I hope you can forgive me. I will never stop thinking about you.Ā
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