Magical Moments

Radical unschooler at heart, trying my best to live a full life and raise my daughter with respect, joy, and gentleness.

[lifewritteninthestars]

Our family is a small one, for now: there's me, my husband, and our daughter, Baby C.

I'm Argent - in my low 30s, ftm/genderqueer, autistic, and really into a lot of niche things. Collecting hobbies is my hobby.

My husband is GK - in his mid 20s, probably has ADHD, has a staggeringly active social life in his gaming and aim-training communities, and is the bedrock of my life.

Our daughter is Baby C - she's the most perfect baby that's ever existed, growing faster than we know what to do with, and is really into food.

This blog is a place for me to document magical moments, unexpected struggles (and expected struggles, to be honest), and my own journey through life as I learn how to be more peaceful and happy so that my daughter can know the best version of me.

My life paradigm was shaped almost entirely by John Holt and his books, as well as Sandra Dodd and the thoughts, conversations, and resources she gathered for and about radical unschooling.

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Tonight, Baby C fell asleep next to me but not me for the first time ever. I'm sitting in bed next to her but I don't...have to be. It's strange. She's grown a LOT since my last post here: she can walk, she eats food like a champ although she still needs to nurse, she knows how to communicate her needs and wants pretty well...and now she doesn't strictly require laying on top of me in order to sleep.

I feel a little sad, and a little proud, and a little... I don't know, haha. It's just strange.

I've started supplementing my vitamin D, which I should have been doing this whole time but it took seeing a video of a toddler with rickets to really understand the importance of it. I hate that I feel better, because it's frustrating that sometimes it really IS a vitamin deficiency, but damn. I genuinely feel better and more capable of getting through the day.

I'm struggling with something though, even still, and it's affecting my marriage which is frustrating. GK wants me to ask when I want things, because I'm bad at that, but I feel like I already have to ask for everything. I used to ask for leg massages, but he also used to offer them. Now he doesn't offer, he just tells me I should ask if I want one...and so I don't ask. I get angry, and I feel hurt, because I can't just ask. It's not that simple for me. I don't feel comfortable asking somebody for something unless I know they're willing to give it, and if somebody never offers, I take that to mean they're not willing to give it. I can't ask for them if he never offers. I'd literally rather suffer endless pain than be forced to ask. I'm beginning to think it's demand avoidance, because my autism comes out very strongly in certain areas no matter how much I've learned to compensate in others. It's difficult to just say that, though, because when it's relevant I'm angry and I don't say much in order to avoid being cruel and hurtful, and when it's not relevant I don't want to bring it up because it will just make me angry again.

Unfortunately, it's been on my mind a lot since I started doing physical therapy for real this time. I'm going to relearn how to run if it kills me, and it certainly feels like it might while I'm doing it.

Maybe by the time my mile goes down from 18 minutes to 15, I'll have figured out how to say what I need to say.

In the meantime, it's not all struggles. I made GK the cutest "just because" gift basket the other day and it felt so good to see him drink tea out of the mug I picked out for him :) Also, he handled the entire Desk Swap basically by himself, which was deeply impressive and also greatly appreciated. Now I have a sewing desk in the living room and he can game in the office, which is overall an improvement because I didn't really have a chance to use my sewing desk before. The office is not baby proofed, so I couldn't take Baby C in there. The living room is easier to manage. Now that the big hurdle is out of the way, all I need to do is make time to actually sew! Easier said than done, unfortunately, but we're getting there.

[lifewritteninthestars]

I can't get enough of this Pikler triangle climbing set.

Baby C loves it, too! It's big, especially in our relatively small and cluttered apartment, but it's so worth keeping it set up.

At about a year old, Baby C mostly uses it for cruising, which is awesome for developing her walking skills. Her balance has improved a lot, especially since she discovered the ramp slides back and forth along the bars a few inches and she can shove and pull it to make it clatter!

It also makes a nice cave/crawlspace. I often find her toys under there. She got "stuck" the first couple times she tried crawling through, but now she's a pro. I can't wait for the day she discovers she can drape a blanket over it for a fort!

Rarely, she climbs up the arch and onto the ramp, and she's climbed a couple rungs up the triangle once or twice. She's still working it out, but I'm very excited to see her gain more confidence with it as she grows. Just in the time since Christmas when we gave it to her, she's developed a bunch of new skills thanks to playing with, around, and on it.

This isn't an advertisement, by the way, I just fucking love this thing and I wish I'd had one as a kid!

I think that's the core of how GK and I parent, really - what we needed or wanted as kids. I want to homeschool her and fill her world with imaginative play and fun experiences because that's all I wanted. I won't speak for GK and his childhood, but I can attest that he feels similarly, albeit about slightly different things.

It's healing. I know having a child isn't supposed to be about you, it's supposed to be entirely about them, but I think that's unrealistic. I think it's good, to live vicariously through my daughter, because I'm filling her world with love and joy and I'm finding it much easier to fill my own world with love and joy because of that, which makes it easier to do it for her. It's a self-perpetuating cycle.

I still have PPD. That hasn't changed. I still have the rage, and the feelings of isolation and anxiety. Some of that is external, because money and politics etc never go away, but a lot of it is internal. It's lighter than it was before, though. I feel more motivated to fix the things that are stressing me out.

It's hard to remember anything else when Baby C is asleep on top of me and her tiny warm hand is touching my face. I had more to say but I lost it. I need to rest soon anyways, because tomorrow is a full day of play and chores (and maybe some work). I got myself a spin mop for my birthday earlier this month and I can't describe how excited I am to give it a try :)

[lifewritteninthestars]

It's been a while! Baby C has grown a lot.

For Christmas, we got her a Pikler triangle climbing set (and a crash pad to ease my anxiety about our hard floors!). She's not even a year old yet and has already managed to climb it on her own a few times. She can't get down on her own yet, but she's close to figuring it out. It's amazing seeing her skills develop more every day!

She's getting some words, too. Her "hi" and "yeah" are quite clear, but she also knows snack ("na") and more ("mo") as well as Baba and Papa and bye (which sounds exactly like her hi). She can say the approximate sounds of "I love you" and "I did it" but it's unclear how much she understands of them.

I know every parent thinks their baby is the smartest in the world but like, honestly.....she's so incredibly smart!

[lifewritteninthestars]

Sometimes a baby just needs a surprise 1am cookie 🤷

Baby C woke herself up tonight, and when GK came to bed, he brought a couple of cookies as a late night snack. He ate one, and I fed half of the other to Baby C in tiny bites. She was, understandably, thrilled. (I ate the other half, despite not wanting a cookie in the first place due to an anxious tummy even though I was kind of hungry - I got tricked into having a little snack and I'm not even mad about it.)

I haven't been sleeping well lately, beyond the normal baby sleep loss, so her waking up is kind of a bummer. On the other hand, she's having so much fun that I can't be too mad.

[lifewritteninthestars]

It's been a while since I've posted, because I wanted to spend some time focusing more attention on Baby C and let her grow a little bit so I'd have something fun to share.

While she's still not really crawling, her scoot game has gotten strong and she can definitely make her way to where she wants to go! Frighteningly, she's also begun pulling up to a stand, and I'm not ready.

While her physical skills have slowed down a little, her other skills are simply exploding. She says "Baba" now, in reference mostly to GK but also to me. We're alternating Baba and Papa, which is working out nicely for us. She can sort of say hi and yeah, too. Just recently, she also started realising that signs are a thing, so I suspect in a couple weeks she'll be signing "more" at us.

Baby C has gotten pretty good at feeding herself, although we're still mostly giving her a bite at a time after two minor choking incidents that scared us quite a lot. Every new milestone is amazing but also heartbreaking. She still gets most of her nutrition from nursing and we're not in a hurry to change that, being as she's still tiny - only 9 months.

Halloween was very fun, because she got to see a lot of things she's never seen before! She was the cutest little saggy baggy lion. I'm unbelievably excited for next October when she gets to go trick or treating for the first time!

Her big thing right now is cars. She loves to watch them drive by, especially at night with their bright lights, but even parked cars are exciting for her. I don't know where she got it from, because GK and I aren't car people - it's all her. It's amazing seeing her develop real interests. I had no clue it happened so soon, she seems so young still, but here we are. I fully expect someday I'll be taking her go-kart racing and she's gonna lose her mind.

I'm learning how to keep up with my responsibilities a little better. This month in particular is going to be spent trying to tackle a lot of the cleaning and tidying I've been putting off, and so far it's going well. I've got a big stack of things to take to the thrift store soon.

Part of what I'm learning is how to gracefully handle the lion's share of the household work while also lovingly help my husband figure out how to get involved with more of it. Eventually I'd like things to be more fair, but I don't want the current unfairness to ruin my attitude, either. I think I'm doing okay at that! Right now, I'm mostly focused on showing him the actual work that goes into maintaining a home, because he never learned how to see it before. That's going well! Our standards may never be the same, but just having my efforts be seen and appreciated feels so good and validating.

The mushrooms in the photo above are Amanitas of some variety. I didn't know they grew here, but apparently it's not uncommon to see even Amanita muscaria here - it's not just a European mountain mushroom like I thought! These might be A. muscaria, but they seem a little yellow for that, although the smaller ones are more orange. I keep meaning to do some research, but there's always something else to do. They just sprouted up around my apartment complex after the recent rains! I've lived here nearly ten years and have never seen them before; I feel so lucky! I'm getting way more interested in mushrooms lately, and have a new dream of one day finding a truffle. It doesn't even have to be a lot of truffles, or a big truffle, I just want to find one to say I've done it. I don't think I like truffle, but I know I can find somebody who'd appreciate it.

I can't remember the last time I felt so thirsty for new knowledge and so eager to plan an adventure. I feel like a part of myself that's been sleeping is slowly waking up, and it feels really good.

My PPD is still causing trouble, but I'm making more of an effort to handle the things it's causing me to neglect. With limited success, sometimes, but I am trying. Showering and bathing Baby C are still really hard, and combing my hair, etc, but I'm getting there slowly. I'm just thankful GK is here to help me.

[lifewritteninthestars]

Not much better than sipping coffee on the couch while Baby C naps on me!

I don't have much work available for me to do at the moment (the downside to the work I've been doing is that it's inconsistent, and doesn't always come up at convenient times) so I'm just refreshing the jobs page so I can jump on anything that shows up and enjoying my baby.

I have a busy day ahead of me. There's a lot to do around here! Laundry to fold and put away, dishes to do, tidying and cleaning, babyproofing.... Work is my top priority after Baby C, but the chores don't go away just because I want them to. I've got a to-do list a mile long and it never seems to get any shorter, but I do enjoy staying busy when I can. But none of that matters during naptime :)

I usually get very little paid work done during GK's days off, because we're busy doing the chores that need both of us, running errands, and squeezing in some quality time as a family. I sometimes wish it was easier to do work when he's home, but I work best when I'm alone and can focus. Constantly trading off the baby back and forth and hearing another adult in the house (especially when he's gaming with his friends) is too much of a distraction for me! It makes the days I work very satisfying though, because I get way more done when I juggling multiple things at once, and relaxing at night is so satisfying after I've conquered a whole list of tasks.

[lifewritteninthestars]

I'm realising I very likely have postpartum depression, at least a bit. My relationship with showering, which was already strained at best, has absolutely tanked since I gave birth. Certain tasks and responsibilities are simple enough for me - I keep myself extremely busy, with work and childcare and cooking and cleaning - but others are almost impossible.

Showering. Combing my hair. Bathing the baby. Taking the dog out. Keeping the cat box clean. Keeping the bathroom clean.

I'm lucky I have my husband to help me, but it's really not been good. I've let certain things slip to a degree that disgusts me.

Yesterday marked a turnaround, though, at least I hope it did. It felt like a turnaround. I was able to recognize that I probably have PPD, and we got some important chores done, and we made a schedule for us to alternate taking the dog out. Today we've managed to stick to the schedule, and I showered and combed the horrible knots out of my hair, and I've been keeping the kitchen clean for days now (although tomorrow morning I'll have to wash the dinner dishes, because I didn't end up getting to them tonight before Baby C needed to go to bed).

Maybe once I work my way out of PPD, I'll be able to relax again. My concentration has been shot lately and I can't really enjoy myself very easily these days. It's better to stay busy as much as possible. Some days, I strap the baby to my chest and put my laptop on a tall counter and I'll work and do chores and cook dinner and try to entertain Baby C by talking and singing to her, all at once. Those evenings are nice because I'm very very productive and it allows my brain to quiet down a little and enjoy my evening. Days where I only accomplish a little bit, like today (folded and put away about half the laundry and made dinner and took the dog out), don't end with a quiet brain.

I'm just glad I haven't thought about hurting my daughter at all. The anxiety that she'll get hurt makes me feel sick sometimes, but it's also helped me learn to move more cautiously and assess risks very thoroughly. I don't struggle to bond with her at all, which is why I didn't think I had PPD at first. She's my light.

This is all just a long post to help me wrap my mind around this new hurdle and to have a reminder, later, of how this has gone and how far I've come.

Sometimes victory is just identifying the path you're on and taking one small step back towards where you want to be.

[lifewritteninthestars]

Some days are just really, really good.

We took down our bedframe yesterday and have a floor bed now, so Baby C can roll around to her heart's content. That involved also relocating some furniture and doing some long overdue deep cleaning, so the bedroom is a delight to be in right now. We spent a long time today laying on the bed letting Baby C play and roll. This was after a fun ride on her dada's shoulders and getting to look in her favourite mirror!

After all of this, we went to the grocery store. Baby C likes going shopping with us, especially when she can be carried in arms instead of pushed in her stroller. She's a great sport about it even when it's boring, and she mostly just stares at everything and takes it all in. Seeing errands like that through her eyes, and taking a wander through the toy and craft supplies section to look at things that she may want someday, make it much more fun. I'm always wondering what she sees and what she's thinking about what she sees.

This evening, while GK played a game with a good friend, I decided it was the perfect time to read to her.

Baby C is at the stage where books are more delightful chew toys than anything else, so reading involves a lot of slobber and wrestling to turn the pages, but I find it very calming in a way. I just love talking to her, but I'm somebody who can go hours without saying a word; it gives me things to say when I would otherwise be silent.

Plus, we have some great books for her. Goodnight Moomin is one of my favourites! I was fortunate to receive a lot of good books from my cousin (she gave us the Jane Eyre counting book pictured in the photo) that her kids have outgrown, plus some classics from my own childhood, a few from my childhood librarian friend, and others that I've picked up on my own (like Moomin). I don't want Baby C to have so many toys and clothes that she gets overwhelmed, but books are so fun and I loved having my own little "library" as a kid so hopefully she feels the same!

Baby C is asleep on my chest in the family bed right now, although I'm almost positive she'll wake up for an hour or two sometime soon. She does more nights than she doesn't, these days. We'll have some cuddles, some playtime, maybe a little baby massage, and eventually I'll be able to help her back to sleep. It's tiring, but worth it. I'm usually not asleep by then anyways, so it doesn't make much difference to me in the long run to work with her rhythm for now.

As for myself, while I wasn't able to work as much as I would have liked today, I found myself really enjoying the downtime. I was able to do some dishes and make dinner, but mostly I just spent my free time reading. I just finished Teach Your Own, by John Holt. It was an intense read for me - I realised some things about myself and my own difficulties as I was reading his words about how children look at the world can appear to some adults as a learning disability when it's actually coming from a logical place that just doesn't match our adult norms.

I also learned about the homeschooling laws for our state, which are thankfully pretty relaxed. A notice of intent at age 6; a test at ages 9, 11, 14, and 16. No required record-keeping, but I will anyways, in case we move, or the requirements change, or Baby C wants to go to college and needs to assemble a portfolio. And also, just because why wouldn't I keep records of my daughter's growth? That's treasure, to me.

[lifewritteninthestars]

I feel some shame and guilt about not having babyproofed our apartment yet. Baby C isn't crawling yet (soon, I think) so it's not dire, and I've gotten some stuff to anchor furniture and pad edges, but I keep on feeling overwhelmed when I try to get started.

It's interesting, the stressors I've discovered since having a baby. Giving birth was easy; breastfeeding is easy; loving her is easy. Starting solids and getting her on a schedule of solids every day? Very hard. Babyproofing? Very hard.

I think what I'm struggling with when it comes to babyproofing is my own lack of control over my home. I never know what to do with my things; I'm not very organised, although I try to be, and tidying is hard for me although I'm good at deeper cleaning. It's a total change of how I keep my home, and that's big and difficult.

One thing that's helping is finding places to compromise to make other things possible. For example, I prefer using washable mop pads for hard floors, but without laundry machines in unit our laundry piles up very badly. So in order to keep my floors cleaner for the baby as she starts to crawl, I've decided to go for something like a swiffer that used disposable pads and has a built in spray. It's not eco-friendly, and it costs more, but I'm far more likely to actually use it when I don't have to wait for laundry day or carry around a spray bottle along with the mop.

It's not my favourite thing, but I feel some peace knowing that I'm working to make my baby's life better in some small way while also respecting my own current limitations with my bad leg.

[lifewritteninthestars]

Baby C has begun exploring what her voice can do, and wow she has some lungs on her. As piercing as they are, I love when she's screaming her happy little shrieks - it's written all over her face how much she's enjoying herself.

Lately things have felt kind of like they're coming to a head. I suppose some things are. My bankruptcy case is proceeding, and I meet with the court in a few days to finalise all of that. I've gotten Baby C and myself on Medicaid and all I have to do now is find doctors for us so she can get her next round of vaccines and I can get a new inhaler and possibly even look into a prescription leg brace or a disabled parking pass. Money is still insanely tight, but we have all we need at the moment.

I've been working lately on making time for myself to learn new things and follow my interests, although admittedly most of my interests lately revolve around homemaking so it still looks a lot like chores at times. I've learned how to bake zucchini bread and make tomato sauce from scratch, recently. I made a fantastic chili today using tomato sauce that I made with produce from a friendly neighbour's garden. Tomorrow I'm planning to tinker with the sewing machine my SMIL gave me. It's an old one from the 70s and I can't find a manual for it anywhere, so it's down to me to clean it up and see how it works.

If I can get it up and running, I'm going to start making my own clothes. I have some ideas already, and a little bit of fabric I can use, but I expect I'll be going to the thrift store soon to source some fabric to repurpose. I have a plan for something like a quilted jerkin if I can find an old quilt I like.

I also have plans for Baby C, as well, although most of my ideas should wait until she's older and walking. I want to turn some of her flannel baby blankets into a little hooded poncho :)

Being a parent is incredible. I thought I had a strong work ethic before, but now I feel unstoppable. It's all for her, and that makes it so much easier. Not always easy, necessarily, but I'm maintaining a pace that would once have broken me and I feel like I can keep going forever. I think it's because I take more pride in what I do now, because it's building the life I want for my daughter. She'll know joy and peace and magic because GK and I will build those things for her. It feels really good.

[lifewritteninthestars]

My daughter is sleeping on my lap right now, having her first nap of the day. I've noticed lately her naps are going down a bit - she averages 2/day instead of 3, most days. They're spaced out with longer in between, too. It's cool to see more proof in every aspect of life that she's growing.

I feel so much tenderness for her. I think back to my own childhood, and I truly can't imagine raising her the way I was raised. I love her; why would I want to hurt her feelings and her body? I want her to know the joys I knew, and the many more joys that I missed out on. I want her to never have to learn some of the lessons I learned: fear of parents, personal value being tied to obedience, personal needs being unimportant if they're inconvenient...

Making a better life for her is healing me, I think.

[lifewritteninthestars]

It's tough trying to balance work and household management with parenting a lively and energetic baby! Baby C is in that in-between stage, where she doesn't enjoy being independent for very long but gets bored hanging out after a while and so we flip flop all day between her being held and her playing on her own.

As much as I would like to spend all day just playing with her, certain needs do have to be met. Namely, I have to work and earn money, because we live in an expensive place and can't afford to be on only one income. Also, basic household tasks! I work from home and so I'm available to do the housework, and I personally need it to be a certain level of clean or my mental health suffers. So that's also a priority.

But I explain to Baby C what I'm doing when she's strapped to my chest, or I sing to her (regular songs and songs I make up for her), and sometimes we dance. That's always fun for us both! When she's more mobile and thus a little more independent, I imagine it will be somewhat easier. But there's something very special about having had to learn how to do all these chores with a baby snuggled up to me.

I worry that I'm not doing enough for her. That we don't read enough, or lay on the floor and play with toys enough. She's not super interested in any of that, yet, although she's definitely getting there. I hope to use that worry to nudge myself into figuring out a new rhythm, one that adds more quality time with Baby C into my already full days. Maybe as she drops naps, I can turn that time into playtime?

I don't intend to worry overly much about it, though. She's new at being a person, and we're new at being parents. We have time to experiment and see how things go and adjust little bits at a time! She's not even crawling yet. We have so much time.

[lifewritteninthestars]

I had the joy today of gifting a dear friend of mine some baby and postpartum supplies.

We've been friends since I was 11, even dated for a while, and I always felt like I was trying to catch up or keep up with them. My friend came from a wealthier background than I did and flourished in school, went to a good college, got a good job (and now even a house!) and I never had any of that. They never once made me feel lesser, of course, but my ambition always kept me striving for what seemed to come much easier to them.

However, I realised recently that (as much as I would love a house!) I don't need to match my successful friends step for step. Our successes look different, but my perspective adds value to their lives, just as theirs has always done to mine.

I was the first in my friend group (in any of my friend groups, the discrete ones and the overlapping ones) to have a baby. My pregnancy and childbirth experiences were very easy. My grasp of gentle attachment parenting is instinctive. My journey of learning to breastfeed was instinctive and easy. And now I have insights to share and experience that my friends - including this particular one - are able to draw on. They've expressed gratitude, and in my heart, I've been grateful to them, too, for listening to me and valuing what I have to say on these topics I care so much about.

I'm kind of good at a lot of things, but I've never specialised heavily in many areas. I don't often have valuable things to share with my peers beyond the basics, because they inevitably end up diving deeper than me into whatever skill or interesting topic it is we've been bonding over. But this - being a parent, being a birthing parent - is something I've been preparing for since I was 13. I never understood how badly I wanted to find my niche in my friendships. Everybody has wisdom to offer; everybody has a role to play in their community. This, I think, is mine. Not as a teacher, but as a resource for them. Their ways of parenting won't always match mine, but now they have a peer to discuss it with and an example to draw inspiration from if they want to.

I want to use my place as the first one to weave all of our bonds tighter. I want our children to grow up with cousins that are related only through love and deep regard, rather than blood. I want to encourage and help them when they're struggling, as they've done for me in other times and other places.

As an aside, I've been doing a lot of reading and thinking about respect, peace, and kindness lately. Specifically in regards to my husband, because I noticed I've gotten more impatient with him lately and that causes all sorts of disrespect and bitterness to well up. I don't want that for his sake, my sake, or the sake of our relationship and our daughter! So I've been working on it.

It's only been a few days, but that quiet work I've been doing has been making a difference already. I'm happier, which has a ripple effect on him and our household. I'm more willing to work with him, instead of around or against him, which makes him more willing to work with me. I'm choosing to be okay with the fact that his ways are not my ways, when it comes to things like how chores get done or how certain things should be prioritised. I married him because I love him, but I haven't been showing it lately, and that hurt to realise. We all deserve better. He deserves to be respected, I deserve to be happy, our daughter deserves to have two loving papas modeling healthy relationships for her... And I realised that I can make that happen for us.

I've long believed that if I have a problem with something, I should be responsible for fixing it. That means, if the clothes on the floor bother me and nobody else, I should pick them up. If someone says something to me I don't like, I should speak up about it. And these problems I've been having, they were mine, not his. Of course he hasn't helped with what I wanted him to do for me - I never asked! Of course he didn't know why my feelings were hurt - I never said! I've decided to try to reframe my thoughts and expectations. What can I do to make his life easier, richer, more peaceful? Because when I give him my efforts and respect and affection, I get those things back, too. That's how healthy relationships work. Maybe some other time I'll write about relationships more, and how I believe the model of staying self-centered in a relationship is why so many of them fail so dramatically.

I'm grateful I got the kick in the pants I needed, before I damaged my own relationship. I couldn't do this without him, and I don't want to. We bolster each other's weak points (but the caveat there is that you have to want to be helped!).

I'm not sure what else to say, really. I'm just very full of love for the family I've built.

[lifewritteninthestars]

I'm currently laying in bed with Baby C asleep on top of me. I've got water, some snacks (midnight Chex Mix), my phone... I can hear my husband gaming in the living room, and occasionally Baby C sighs or stirs.

I cherish these quiet moments. I always know I should go to sleep, because even a cosleeping baby who sleeps well still disrupts your own rest, but this is the closest I get to prolonged leisure time these days. The work has been completed. The chores are done or not, but if not, they're tomorrow's problem. The baby is asleep and only requires a warm body to stay that way. I don't want to miss out on any of this time if I can help it.

Sometimes I wish I could stand to hear her cry, so that I could leave her in her playpen or in her exersaucer and just get things done that need doing. Attachment parenting isn't something I've chosen, though, not really. It's just my only option. I can't stand to listen to her cry; it's devastating. It haunts me. She's so small and so utterly reliant on me. To let her down is unthinkable. The world can be so harsh, so it's up to me and her dad to be soft.

I spend a lot of time during these quiet hours thinking about how the day went. Did I pay her enough attention? Did I yell at the dog too much? Was she happy? Could I have done better?

The answer to all of these is usually yes. I know I don't neglect her, even though I have to work. I'm working on my anger and my patience. She is such a happy baby. Yes, I could have done better; I always strive for better.

The last seven months have felt horribly short. I'm with her all the time and I feel like I've missed so much. My husband, I know, feels this even more acutely because he works outside the home. I wish time could slow down so we could treasure these moments a little bit longer.

[lifewritteninthestars]

We had a magical moment last night.

GK and I were laying in bed, eating some 1am Chex Mix and chatting; Baby C was asleep on my chest, where she starts out every night because she gets nursed to sleep.

Well, we got a little too giggly, and Baby C woke up very alert and very happy to get herself involved in all the fun. We scrambled to hide the snacks, because crunchy isn't something her two little teeth can handle yet, and instead of insisting it was time to sleep, we played.

Our only light was the nightlight, and we didn't do anything extravagant - the three of us just stayed in bed and Baby C mostly rolled back and forth in between us to look at GK and I as we talked. She was obviously figuring out how conversations go, because she started to anticipate when one or the other of us would start talking. She couldn't stop smiling and smacking at us with her little hands, and she even made up a cute game. We weren't sure what the rules were, but it involved her turning towards me to nurse and then towards GK to bite his finger and make silly blurbeling noises. It was such a joy to meet her halfway and let her have that fun experience!

Once she started showing signs of sleepiness, I helped her get back to sleep. It was a bit of a struggle, because she's been having trouble staying asleep lately. I spent most of the night in a half doze so I could wake and resettle her each time she cried, and she only really slept when on top of me and nursing, instead of on the bed next to me where she usually sleeps.

I struggle to sleep in, so I was up around 9 and only got about four and a half total hours of sleep last night, but honestly? It was absolutely worth it, and I'd do it again. Nothing can beat the delight on my daughter's face when she woke up to see both of her parents there with her and having fun.