IPlayYouListen

Jamie | Folkestone | 30 | Trance Mantis | Anjuna | Colorize | ABGT | Andrew Bayer | Above&Beyond | Ben Böhmer | KEANE | The Vaccines | The Kooks | BTVS | driving | cigarettes | London | ∞ Cause when your back's against the wall that's when you show no fear at all ∞ B ♡ 28.07.2023

[gandalfsbignaturals]

isnt it really cool how your memories can just physically attack you at random

[2colde]

how having to do work at your job feels

[lightadarttomendyourheart]

things are good. it's been a few weeks of just really good. i want to be with you always and around you and touching you and kissing you and just, with you. and i have you. i am yours and you are mine. this is what it feels like to love and be loved. this is what it feels like to be with your soul mate.

[two-two-are-six-deactivated2026]

what if we kissed and kissed and kissed and kissed and kissed and kissed and kissed and kissed and kissed and kissed and

[pollen]

you should really get comfortable believing in love and magic and whimsy or you’ll continue to live a half-life for the rest of the time you have on earth

[quixoticanarchy]

I didn’t miss that social cue I just thought it was stupid 

[cartooongasm]

[achillesinhighheels]

[illmadekn1ght]

they’re burning me onto a CD tomorrow

[day-dreamersclub]

i pray that aug, sep, oct, nov and dec are all months full of growth, blessings, productivity, new doors open and opportunities

[lightadarttomendyourheart]

we are finally moved in. brandon has been on lates since and while we moved so i've had almost every single night to myself. the place is perfect. it's everything i could want. stinky is adjusting really well too.

and now i'm laying in bed (work tomorrow after a 3 day bank holiday weekend wah) and it's late and i should try going to sleep. but instead i'm on here, listening to inside of love.

we're gonna make this place amazing, i just know it. it's going to be everything. this is going to be my safe haven. and even though it's still far from london, i think it's right for right now. it's nice being close to his parents, to the sea. i haven't gone down to the sea yet, but i will. i have to. we're closer now so it's only like a 15-20ish min walk, instead of being a 37 min walk away from his parents place. i have to take advantage. living by the sea and not would be stupid. when will i get this chance again. we're not gonna live here forever (i don't think?). i would love to live IN london eventually. even if it's a few years down the road.

it's actually crazy that i've been here for over a year. it doesn't feel that long at all, probably cause every single day was just the fucking same. but i want to start living more daily, doing more stuff. i feel so much freer here it's wild. i eat what i want, do laundry when i want, i'm making our flat how i want. living at home has its perks but my god it's so suffocating. i just want to be an adult and live my adult life. if i want a sandwich for dinner, thats what i'll have. today i made a salad at 10pm and had that as a snack. it's just so wild to me brandon didn't want this sooner. i could never.

i've also realized i haven't lived in the same place for over 2 years in the last.. omg, it's been over 10 years.. 2011/2012 i moved out of my parents place for 2 months lol not sure if that counts. but in 2013 i properly moved out with steph for 6 months, then i lived with ryan and his mom for 4 months. then i moved to Warsaw in 2014 for 3 years, but within that time i moved to London for 9 months in 2016 where i lived in student housing and then a 3-month flat share with liam beau and grace. then moved back to warsaw for the final 1.5 years of my degree. and then i came back to edmonton in 2017 for basically 2 years, and then I moved to Vancouver in 2019. In Van I lived in 1 place for 1 year, then with Andrew downtown at the banff for 6 months, and then finally I lived with Jake in our Van special for a year and 10 months. then moved back to edmonton for 3 months, then moved to Calgary, lived in Sonoma place (my absolute favourite place i've ever lived in so far), then moved to mission within Calgary for 6 months, then moved back to edmonton for 1-2 months, and then moved to Folkestone and lived with brandon and his parents for 13 months, and now i'm here. that stretch in edmonton from 2017-2019 was the longest i've lived in one place in over 10 years. what the actual fuck hahahaha. that's actually fucked when you think about it. am i ok hahahaha. i suppose i would've never left sonoma place in calgary if my landlord didn't sell. but then i still would've left to move to folkestone. honestly, i could've stayed there for years and years. i loved that place so much. and calgary. god i loved living in calgary so much. the best 2 years of my life. doesn't even compare to my time in van. but, i had to live in van to realize how good i had it in calgary. everything happens for a reason. god i really, really hope we can live in this flat for at least a few years. give me at least 2 years, please. but at least next time i move, like moving here and from b's parents, i won't be alone. it won't just be my move. which helps a lot.

sigh.

i suppose sometimes i have my doubts about me and b. but with all my relationship experience, i feel like it's normal. i just hope we can grow together, not against each other. if i'm gonna fight for anyone, it'll be him. and at the end of the day, i am so insanely attracted to him. always. and maybe that sounds shallow and sometimes i think, is that making me feel differently, but i know it's my own doubts creeping in. you need that attraction for a relationship to stay strong. we're only human. if i only found him kind of attractive, sometimes ugly, meh, this wouldn't work. i don't think it would work for anyone. and i just hope he feels the same way about me, cause if he doesn't then we're in trouble cause i am not an easy person to be with lol. and oh my god his height. do not even get me started. god it's so hot lol. those insta reels/memes that are like, is he the one, or is he just tall, resonates LOL. like i know he's likely the one, but omg his height helps a lot hahahaha. it really just adds to the entire package. it's brandon.

[lightadarttomendyourheart]

my god, inside of love by nada surf just came on and i have not listened to this song in so long. a year? more? fuck. i completely forgot about this song. it was us. ours.

i got my graduation pictures in high school, and i took one and wrote on the back "to the guy who showed me what it's like on the inside of love" and gave it to ryan. fuck. that is such a lifetime away now.

i also know he doesnt have it anymore. he threw away anything that tied back to me. anything and everything. god he was such a fucking prick. everything he ever gave me i still have. i wonder, if he ever thinks of me. if the same things evoke the same feelings for him as they do for me. i don't think they do. and that makes me feel a lot of things. but that won't ever make me feel less, and it won't ever make me regret anything. how i feel and what i feel. it's mine. not his.

[lightadarttomendyourheart]

hello tumblr. it has been a fucking minute. TLDR (which we all know it won't be but here goes anyways). i've moved to the uk. i've been here for over a year now. we've been living with brandons parents and it has been probably one of the hardest years of my life. i've had to complete reinvent myself. job. friends. community. and the one that's affected me the most, me time. my time. i just don't ever fucking get it. you wonder why i've not posted on tumblr for over a year. i haven't had the fucking chance. back in calgary or even edmonton, before i go to bed, i come on tumblr and scroll and reblog and then i post what i'm feeling. i haven't had the fucking space to do that. and it's not even the physical space, it's the mental space. finally brandons parents are gone for the week for a vacation and brandon is at work, so guess what. i'm fucking back bitches. lol. for a few nights at least. maybe.

but, the light at the end of the tunnel is near. we are FINALLY moving into our own place in 2 weeks. fucking. finally. honestly i don't even care what kind of furniture we'll have at this point, just get me the fuck out of here.

i need more nights like this. where i just sit here alone. listening to music. tumbling. just me. i've put on the ol' "fuck" playlist. god i love these songs. i've listened to all of them hundreds of times, in edmonton, warsaw, london, vancouver, calgary. they are my security blanket. they remind me of so many times. and the fucked part is, i reminisce about ryan and i's connection. listening to these songs, sending them to each other, and feeling so deeply in love with each other. it's a certain kind of nostalgia that i can't describe. honestly, it's been 13 years since ryan and i were together, and putting all the horrible parts aside, what we had, at it's core, was beautiful. it was something i know i will never, ever experience again. but it was so raw. and so deep. and just, a fleeting love for the ages. and god, that time in my life was so electric. everything about it. the timing. the friends. the experiences. it was everything. and it wasn't meant to last longer than it did. it happened exactly as it was meant to. and honestly, now, i look back on everything and smile. all the good times were just so fucking good. like, insanely good. and how it happened with brandon, it was the similar. not the same, it could never be, but it lit that part inside of me i haven't felt since ryan. of course i can't compare because the way ryan loved me was just.. something else. but brandon evoked those sames feelings in me, deep adoration, longing, lust, everything. that's something, right?

it's so fucked up and kind of beautiful that the same playlist i used to bawl my eyes out to is now something i find such solace in. the songs i put on when i tumbl, like a ritual. and it makes me feel so deeply. and ykno what, it makes me reflect. on my past. on ryan, cause how could i not when i listened to these same songs when i was so fucking crazy about him. so fucking heartbroken. fucking hell, i don't even remember all the songs on this playlist but every single one that comes on is just so perfect. and you sent me these songs. we discovered them together. teleport to me, jamie. i'll never forget that. and i think it's ok for me to miss someone longing for me the way ryan did. the way he was broken for me, as i was broken for him. that kind of love.. idek what else to say. but at the end of the day, as crazy as it was, it was also just that. crazy. and not in a good way.

i could start writing on and on about what's missing from brandon, what i need more of. but i don't have the energy tonight.

and things aren't bad, but i'm not me. this entire living situation has turned me into someone that i'm not. the jamie you had when i was living in calgary was the happiest i've maybe ever been. and i want to get back to her. i need to. but i also need time and space to be able to do that. like nights like these. honestly just listening to my songs and tumbling has already made me feel so much better and it's even made me miss brandon a little bit. reading through my old posts. i need this. to be me. and there's no way to tell him that. i just need me time. and i'll be okay. i'll get back to the jamie you started dating. but i just need the time and space to do so.

so tumblr, see you in a few weeks, or less, hopefully.

J x

[sunsetbuddie]

we used to get christmas episodes of television. halloween episodes. valentines. we used to get television that felt like part of your life. like it was happening alongside your life. now we mostly get 8 episodes dropping all at once every two years and they don't have time for any of that. i miss characters living alongside us

[beemovieerotica]

we need a ritual where you can climb into a hole in the ground for roughly 24 hours and just close your eyes and not do anything, and nobody is allowed to look for you or speak your name, and whenever you want to reemerge then you can climb back out and people are forbidden from commenting on your absence. can someone get on this.

[ceruleanheaven]

girl who is going to be okaying my way into being okay

[fluentisonus]

people are like you just need to apply to 10 jobs a day meanwhile each of the jobs want you to write them 1500 words of uniquely tailored sycophancy & then manually input your cv into their custom application form 3 different times