Like Clockwork @likeclockwork-or-not - Tumblr Blog

Glitter and Goals

Yesterday, on Sunday Morning, I heard the host begin, “On this last Sunday of 2018...”

Today, as it happens, is the last Monday of 2018--and the day I’ve been looking forward to since the beginning of the month. Each December I take a holiday (typically a week and then some) to visit family and, finally, reflect on the past year.

Last year, in the midst of my musings, I stumbled across the “Life Balance Wheel,” a tool I’ve adapted for my own year end review.

Wrapping my head around the previous year is a creative activity and oh-so satisfying. I spend a good bit of time (as gauged by about 2 cups of coffee, give or take) on this process.

Each category (up from my original 6 categories to a bonafide 10) on the wheel has it’s own highlights and challenges over the course of the year. The more I think of these, the more I seem to remember. I also--bear with me--jot down each month, from January through December, and create a brief timeline of events. It gives me a sense of the way my attention ebbs and flows in each category throughout the year.

In 2018, it feels like things were pretty balanced. (#hindsightis20/20) Although, in various moments I definitely didn’t feel like there was balance. There were some unanticipated challenges, ventures that felt all-consuming and moments of disconnect with people I love as well as with my own sense of purpose.

Goal setting, in it’s most traditional sense, is relatively uncomfortable for me. Like most things, I’ve found a way to make it work for me. The trick, I’ve found, is to set intentions that can absorb life--not ensnare us in rigid plans.

At the start of this year I had determined to live life as a verb--to drive my own sentences. At the close of it, I feel like I’ve embodied that intention. I met a lot of my benchmarks (both financially and professionally), discarded goals that ceased to have meaning or serve a purpose (within the categories of health and leisure) and allowed plans to evolve (especially on the home front).

Tomorrow we begin a new year, but each day we have the opportunity to create shifts in our direction. Our goals and intentions will grow with us, sometimes in unexpected (and hopefully delightful) ways. I think that’s the fun of it.

#cheerstoanewyear #freespirits #evolvingpractice

Alice Fishburn set herself a challenge for 2018 to only read female authors. Here’s what she discovered.

Whether in literature, music, art, politics, business, hospitality, social services, finance, the home, or elsewhere — representation of gender and culture and viewpoint matters.

Which (and whose) voices and perspectives fill your world?

Two-Way Street

The other day I was listening to a conversation on NPR about about the people in France demanding livable economic policies. The French correspondent (I believe that was her role) was speaking with the NPR host about the economic challenges citizens across the country faced, and she identified the money in terms of “dollars” rather than euros. I was impressed by how quickly she estimated the conversion. Granted, she probably swims in this stuff on the daily. But still. #Knowyouraudience

It reminded me of something I realized years ago, probably in a Women’s Lit or Minority Women’s Lit class. Members of a minority are often tasked with understanding their own culture as well as the majority culture--historically as a matter of survival.

Specifically, we had been talking about domestic laborers, roles generally filled by minority women. (I think we were reading Alias Grace. If you haven’t read it, check it out. It’s fantastic, as is most of Atwood’s work.) These individuals have had to understand their own culture as well as the culture of the family they serve(d).

The majority culture wasn’t dependent on the members of the minority culture in their household for anything more than the day-to-day operations. (Which inherently has some power, but that power shouldn’t be falsely equated with the power to determine someone’s livelihood.)

If something is the norm and you don’t perceive it to be negatively impacting you, what’s the problem, right? It can be easy to take for granted the challenges that others deal with, and the hoops they jump through or the ways they make themself small to maintain the status quo. #CheckYourPrivilege.

I’ve been on both sides of this, genuinely confused about an issue someone was trying to bring to light and the one trying to shed light on an issue that’s deeply important.

Being on either side of that exchange is uncomfortable, but if I had to choose (and we do have a choice in this) I would rather be aware of and able to understand an issue of importance to someone else. It is worth the effort to be able to understand another culture’s language, or the social, political and economic cultures beyond our own.

Ignorance isn’t bliss. It supports entitlement and eventually creates problems.

Knowledge supports understanding, which can create opportunities for collaboration (and can minimize things like fear and discrimination).

Aidyn’s Year in Books

What did you read this year?

#recommended reads #bookworm

Simple Equations

It is really easy to see all the things that shouldn’t be: selfishness, poor service, negligence, cruelty and abuse. We are all capable of these things, to some degree, and there are so many of us on this planet--competing for resources, for love, for space, for power.

Short of some miraculous evolutionary feat or a cultural makeover it is unlikely that these things will be fully eradicated in the short-term. (As an idealist, I’m holding out for a vision of some day...)

But there are good things in large supply: leading by example, generosity, kindness, consideration and integrity. Focusing on the positives, the progress and potential are much more fruitful in the short- and long-term--it brings out the best in us and in others.

As someone who has spent the vast majority of her life thus far trying to find ways to fight more effectively for social justice, I am not making an argument for ignoring or avoiding the problems of the world.

The problems we avoid, whether within ourselves, our relationships or in the world, tend to grow larger. (#snowballeffect) Not that I’m speaking from experience or anything.

Intuitively, I think we sometimes respond to negativity with negativity. “Wow, that was dumb” or “I can’t believe those people are doing that. Here we go again.”

We feel compelled to take a stand against things we don’t like.

Unfortunately, -1 + -1 = -2. (Numbers are not usually the terms I prefer to think in, but I’ve been working on budgets quite a bit lately. #unintendedsideeffect)

It is really easy to respond to negativity with negativity. But that typically brings about more negativity. Definitely speaking from experience on this one.

When one of my kids does something that works against his/her best interest, such as blowing some of their hard-earned money on a “want” item instead of saving for a “need” item, I respond with questions:

“How’d that work for you?”

“Why do you think you chose that?”

“What would happen if you choose something different?”

But -1 + 1 still only = 0. So then I focus on something positive they did or accomplished and its significance.

“Hey, you’ve got almost $300 saved. That’s progress. You’ve almost got enough for your security deposit.”

When we feel good, we tend to choose better.

Seeing something negative creates an opportunity to redouble our efforts to create something positive.

-1 + 2 = 1

Now we’re getting somewhere.

#foodforthought

Gratitude unlocks the fullness of life. It turns what we have into enough, and more.

Melodie Beattie

A Different Perspective

I can be -- not always, but sometimes -- incredibly hard on myself. If High Standards was a book, I would be one of its coauthors.

While I consider myself a reformed Type A, and I’m okay with the messiness of life, it’s still got to be on my terms. I have to be in control of my messes. Anything less than that can feel like failure in the moment.

Daily, I remind myself that mistakes are how we learn and grow. Learning and growing are the objectives. Everything should serve a purpose.

Like I said, high standards.

I also have high standards for others. Someone could mention, in passing, “Hey, I can take care of that.” And not only do I consider that a contract signed in blood, I imagine it will be done by the end of the day. Fair or not.

It’s easy to forget that others might not have the same priorities or timeline. (Say what?)

That doesn’t make them wrong and me right--or me wrong and them right, although it can feel like it.

Professionally, when I’m working with my clients, I recognize my role and theirs distinctly. I expect that they might feel differently about a program policy. Or might not turn in documentation on time. The rules and deadlines are arbitrarily set by a Governmental Agency. It’s my role to provide a friendly explanation.

It’s easier to see why or how someone might view something differently when you see the distinct roles: There’s a level of anticipation that allows space to respond in a way that gives them a bit more grace than we might otherwise give.

It’s not about lowering our standards or allowing people to walk all over us (or a program)--not at all.

But there’s something to be said for not taking it personally that others might have a different perspective or time frame. Understanding this upfront prevents wasted time and energy on frustration -- time and energy that can instead be spent getting things done.

Plot Twist

de·ci·sion-mak·ing

/dəˈsiZHənˌmākiNG/

the action or process of making decisions, especially important ones.

Our lives take a lot of twists and turns. There’s a beautiful intricacy to them...even when they’re sad or boring or scary.

Decisions are thought to be made based on a cocktail of rational thought and intuition, garnished with our personal biases and blind spots. (What fun is a cocktail without a little garnish to make it more interesting, right?)

Getting the mix just right seems to depend on our ability to know what we want and be willing to embrace it.

For the past couple of months I’ve been feeling a little bit lost (see this).

Some things are great. Some things not so much. A couple of really important things feel painfully rocky at the moment. I’ve started thinking about how I got here. And where do I want to be? Or, maybe more importantly, what do I want it to look and feel like?

I’m at my best when I zoom out and take an aerial view. Something about the objectivity. Being dialed into all the details (those murky, messy details) tends to obscure my view.

But our lives are more than the sum of our decisions. Collectively they become a tapestry that tells our stories. I just...I think I have to decide what story I want my decisions to tell. #just

There is a lag time of about a decade between the release of carbon dioxide into the atmosphere and the full resulting warming, so the very worst climatic effects of the administration’s policies won’t likely be felt until they’re out of office.

Naomi Klein, No Is Not Enough: Resisting Trump’s Shock Politics and Winning the World We Need

…Sub “climatic” with any hot button policy and apply it to your administration of choice. We start to see a road map to the current state of political affairs: Any politician can point the finger at another politician or political party. If they were in office, it must be true. Whether or not it’s true matters little–they certainly won’t be held accountable for its consequences–and the average person will still pay the price. Until we choose to raise the bar and hold those in power accountable.

What does that look like? Running for office on platforms that genuinely prioritize people. Doing the research. Refusing to endorse a candidate that engages in their race as a game. To push back against anything or one that tries to pit us against our neighbors.

All of these.

More than this.

#AsAWomaniHaveNoParty

Cultural Scripts

We need to have a conversation about intimacy and consent. And it is long overdue.

Last week one of the teens I work with committed 2nd degree sexual assault.

This is a generally sweet kid: family oriented, great with little kids, polite and does chores without being asked.

The other party is two years younger. I don’t know anything about the other party, except that this party “didn’t say no.”

There were consequences (expulsion) for the offending party, but charges weren’t pressed.

While I am so glad that there are consequences--signs, sometimes, that people are taking sexual assault seriously--we can’t consequence our way out of this problem.

To my knowledge, there weren’t any follow up conversations with the first party other than, “That was inappropriate. Don’t ever do that again. You can’t get involved with a 15 year old.”

Not exactly sex positive. And what is “that” referring to exactly?

How are youth supposed to know what’s appropriate or inappropriate? Or how and when to initiate intimacy? Where are they learning these things?

A lot of times, it seems they’re playing out cultural scripts.

Then, especially when it comes to teenagers, age can make a big difference. “No, you can’t - you’re too young” or “No, you can’t - they’re too old for you” doesn’t work real well, in my observations.

Teenagers think they can initiate and consent to things. They feel like they’re making fully-minded decisions. (Which is maybe why some are so quick to take on the blame when others take advantage of them. But I digress...)

And I just keep thinking about the other party from last week. I know what it feels like to be uncomfortable with a situation. How it feels when when that feeling is compounded by the sense that you can’t speak up about it.

This is something we learn. It’s culturally ingrained.

As the adults in the lives of young people, we kind of absolutely and whole-heartedly need to acknowledge this. We were once those teenagers. Maybe we had different experiences. Maybe the world is different now.

Or maybe we have just grown up and as we’ve grown up our lens has changed.

Either way, our framework for sex and intimacy, for consent, is more than a little broken.

But it seems to me that partners would have a vested interest in understanding what each feels comfortable with in intimate situations. I’m not exactly sure how to start this conversation, especially with youth, but if we want to raise and be good partners, this seems like a good starting point.

#letstalkaboutconsent

Beyond Each Door

Have you heard of Tiny Doors ATL? Sunday Morning on CBS has been my inspiration again this week.

Tiny Doors ATL is an art-project that installs 7-inch doors around Atlanta, Georgia. Karen Anderson serves as both Artist and Director of this project. What stood out to me, in particular this week, was her idea of doors as a passageway to our imagination.

Seeing a door evokes the question, What’s behind there?, which can spark our creativity, according to Anderson. “We get to choose how to interact with them.”

The “them” suddenly took on, for me, many shapes. All of the unknowns in my life--

What’s going to happen at work in the next 6 months?

What will come from the community projects we have in the mix?

Or of things at home. My relationship is experiencing new challenges. Oh, and the basement flooded last week. The fully finished, furnished basement where my mom was going to begin staying in the coming week.

Life is kind of a series of doors. All of our facets, all of our interactions, all of our moments have uncertainties. They’re opportunities to engage our creativity.

We get to choose how to interact with them.

That’s a lot of creative license.

Negative Space

“No matter who we are, we all have a need to be loved. We have that in common.”

There are some people I am really struggling to love. Today, this week, in this life.

There is one person, in particular, who represents to me so much of what is awful about people. In my experience, he is an abusive alcoholic. In my eyes, he is selfish and cowardly and refuses to take responsibility for any of the destruction he has left in his wake.

He is also, biologically only, my father. He hasn’t been there enough to become anything real to me. When I turned 18, I changed my name for the sole purpose of legally separating myself from him. That fact that it pissed him off, hurt him in some way, was laughable.

Anger has a way of becoming personal. Especially when we feel attacked by the choices and actions of others. Which seems to be a bit of an epidemic playing out across the nation, doesn’t it?

We’re quarreling over real estate--how much space do I have emotionally/mentally/physically versus you? As though there’s only so much, just a tiny bit, available.

Anger has its rightful place and time. It is a natural part of being alive. It can serve a necessary purpose.

To be holding at this fever pitch, long-term, though... It just seems to hold us in place, suspended in motion, muddy and bloody and drained. It’s not really working for us. It’s not working for me.

Recently I saw pictures of him (the bio-d) as a kid. He was maybe 8 or 9 or 10. I don’t recall having ever seeing photos of him as a kid. He looked sweet, innocent. He was human to me for the first time and he had his whole life ahead of him.

I suddenly felt sad for him. To realize that something along the way broke him and he hasn’t recovered.

Love has a way of softening the edges of anger like gratitude does the edges of resentment.

At some point, it became a choice to not heal, to continue to choose to behave the way he has. But that wasn’t and isn’t about me or anyone else.

Rarely are other choices directly about us. Rarely are our own choices directly about others. They’re reflections of our own, respective inner landscapes. They always always say loads more about us than another.

Sometimes we just need to look at the negative space--see what isn’t there--and create that instead.

Reframe

“It’s whatever.”

It is not whatever. It is sticky, it is messy. It might be sad or frustrating or uncomfortable or complicated. But it is not whatever.

“Morning! How are you today?”

“Oh, just livin’ the dream.”

“I hope so. Life is short and you only get this one, this way.”

“She should have known better.”

“I didn’t realize girls are supposed to expect bad things to happen to them. I didn’t realize boys are expected to lack humanity.”

“That’s just the way it is.”

“Doesn’t mean we have to actively keep it this way.”

Do you have exchanges (perhaps repeatedly) that go the same way every time? I know I do.

So when I stumbled across a question asking, “What word or phrase do you overuse?” I started thinking about some of the dead-end exchanges I’ve had and have walked away from feeling trite and inauthentic. I’ve decided to try to shift those exchanges, or at least I how participate in them.

What moments or thoughts do you want to reframe?

#chooseyourthoughts

Uncharted Territory

Harbor

NOUN har·bor \ ˈhär-bər \

1 : a place of security and comfort : refuge

VERB har·bor \ ˈhär-bər \

1 : to have in mind a thought or feeling, usually over a long period of time

Things have been a bit of a whirlwind lately (#understatement) and I have found myself well outside of my comfort zone (where life begins, right?)

July started off snail-slow. I took a long holiday weekend and just stayed home—which was really kind of nice: My partner and I hiked every day. I organized a few drawers, a few closets. I updated my resume. I took stock of my intentions for the year.

And then I got bored.

There are times for stillness and times for movement. But some things, at home and at work, had been feeling stuck for a long minute and I wanted motion.

Change and variety provide momentum and keep us on our toes. I crave that.

If you’ve seen any of the posts over the last month, from buying a house and moving to the annual trip to the pacific coast quickly followed by the family trip to a lakehouse, you may be laughing to yourself and wondering if I’ve had enough change and variety lately.

The changes and motion this summer have been good--but they’ve also felt bigger than I had imagined they would. As things have started to slow down, they’ve left me feeling unexpectedly unmoored.

It reminds me of the time I decided to rearrange my home office.

I tore everything apart and moved all my furniture just to realize that the outlet I intended to use was not wired for internet (nor could the cord reach the original outlet). I found myself in a disorienting puzzle of books and shelves and wires that I had to fit back together somehow.

We make changes to fix something, but sometimes the changes we make end up illuminating (and/or creating) other challenges. (#growthopportunities)

Changes can also—so I’m finding—illuminate pieces of ourselves that have always been part of us but were, most recently, dormant.

In this weird change-state I’m in, I now find myself craving normalcy. Or something akin to normalcy that I don’t quite have the words for yet. I’m in uncharted territory--uncharted for me, at least, and I’m not sure quite what this next stage is going to hold.

Things, given a little planning and a little grace, have a way of working out just fine, though. The best approach I can take, I think, is approaching each moment (new and strange alike) with a mix of curiosity and appreciation.

#lifeisajourney #lifeisaverb

#familyreunion #lakehouse

Don’t go through life blindly listening to your own expectations. Examine them, question them, and drop them by the wayside if they aren’t helping you lead a happier, productive life.

http://www.dailygood.org/more.php?n=7717a

#recommended reads #wake up call

Trending Blogs

Recently Viewed Blogs

Like Clockwork