[likwuid]

home alone all week. Wish i had some friends to invite over or go hang out with.

[likwuid]

man it sucks being lonely,

[likwuid]

Kinda sad that after so long I still have dreams with my ex in them. Even more sad that i still think about her everyday. And I’m pretty sure she has no thoughts about me anymore. Sigh I hate it but I enjoy atleast being some happy.

[erupted]

[psych2go]

It was a privilege to love you, and it was a privilege to let you go. Both helped shape me into the person I have become.

Beau Taplin (via psych-facts)

[likwuid]

Lonely

Made a mistake and opened my yearbook. And of course i open it to the last page. The last page was claimed by 1 person and all thats on it is a picture with it saying ~”i love you more than i love to learn”. If you couldn’t tell it was claimed by my ex at the time.. my only one. And i find it weird. I miss her and don’t miss her at the same time. On one side I still wish that i was able to be with her and talk with her and make sure shes happy.. at least as much as she can be. Especially the happy part since she suffers from depression like a lot of people do, including me. But mainly her because... well i got to know her and we were close. And on the other side i just miss having another person to be with. Like i have friends, but its only for playing video games. I miss having a physical body with me to go out have fun, get food, and just sit around being stupid and watching movies. Those are the things I miss. But with how life is I know nothing will change. I’m fat, stupid, nervous, shy.. and other things. As you can see I’m not happy with myself and the only way that’s going to change is if I make it change. And I don’t know about anyone else i cant stand being lonely. I miss having someone else to be with. It sucks.

[likwuid]

Started to exercise more since I’m fat. You could prob ask anyone I know, even my ex that I haven’t seen in 2 years’ish, and they would prob agree. Probably didnt help much in my relationship..probably was even a reason, out of many, why they left me. But I need to do something since I’m not happy with myself in almost every aspect and need to start working toward a better life. Hopefully this is the first steps of many.

[likwuid]

Finally found my high school class ring. It has been a while since I have had it. And all i can think about is how amazing that year was. I finished high school. I was the only one of my siblings to graduate so it was a big thing. It was also the year I met my ex. That was probably the happiest year of my life. It’s good to think about how it was back then. But it also brings me back the the present and how shitty and depressing it is now adays. Oh what I would do to be happy again.

[psych2go]

[likwuid]

Loss

These last couple years have been rather.. depressing. Ever since I left high school everything has gone downhill. I Lost all of my friends that I had in high school over the time of my relationship with my ex.. which also ended in disappointment. So just in that i lost some good friends and and amazing person that i wish i hadn’t. And i lost my ex because of just bullshit i could of done better with..but that’s how you learn. And later down the road I could of had a chance to meet up again with my ex and at least be friends again but at that time I had her on ignore on everything.. Skype..Phone..Steam so i wasn’t even able to at least get some happiness back into my life. So I messed up one of the best things I ever had and it just got worst over time with how shitty my mood has gotten. I’m way more depressed and anxious about things now adays and cant even talk to new people without having a mini panic attack. Looking back at everything I wish I was more out going for myself and for my ex. If I was more active and was just a general better person I think things would of went longer..but I’m not gonna say that it would still be going on even though I do wish I did have her somewhere in my life even if it was just a person on the side that I could just talk to about anything. My depression and anxiety has kept me away from so many opportunities that would of made my life better but I was too afraid to move forward and to make my life better. The depression also hit my grades in college pretty hard. When I was happy and with my ex my grades were constantly A’s in every class. But as soon as everything started to happen there was a instant change in my attitude and if you knew me back then you would very clearly see the lack of care that I have in my everyday life.I’m not saying that it is my ex’s fault at all. It’s more my fault on relying on someone to keep me happy and making it easier for me to do better. I should be able to keep myself going and moving forward no matter what is happening in my life. No matter how bad or how drastic I should keep my head high and push through everyday like the last while doing my best everyday. I will be starting school again soon so I will be able to start sorta new with it all so I’m hoping to keep everything good and to do my very best in everything for my classes. Then we come to this point in my life. I’m lazy and apathetic about most things. Everyday is just a routine.. nothing new ever happens. This was also something I needed to change when I was with my ex but I was never outgoing. Everyday i think of thinks i could be doing but from how i work now adays I throw it away and just say I couldn’t do it anyway or I’m not good enough to do it. This is something i need to fix in my head. I know I’m fully capable of doing so much more but I’m not putting myself in the place to do it. I’ve gotten to the point to where I’m not much in the mood of doing anything alone. Being with someone always makes it better. Overtime I’ve been bowling in leagues and tournaments in atleast my state.. almost national. But I’ve stopped doing that all together because I have no friends or anyone i know to go do it with me. Theres movies in the theaters i would love to see form time to time but I don’t go out because I don’t want to be alone. I’ve been alone for too long and its starting to get to me. It should empower me to get up and go do more things but I’m to scared. But I’m rambling.. Now ill talk about these last couple weeks. The last 2 weeks have been really hard. I found my grandmother attempting to walk around the house.. She was shaking really badly.. and after I found her and told her to sit down, she couldn’t walk at all afterwards. So we had to call the EMS to come get her and take her to the hospital. She spent maybe a week in the hospital and she got to the point that she couldn’t swallow food or drink without it getting into her lungs, which could cause pneumonia. And she refused to get a feeding tube which everyone in the family agreed was the best thing to do. So after that we brought her home with her on hospice. A week later, last Tuesday, she passed away. She passed away in her sleep so she went peacefully which i was thankful for. So the depression has gotten worst and just my willingness to care has gone a lot lower. I’m hoping ill be able to get over this hump quickly and actually get out and do things, lose some weight, and to push forward and to my make myself happy. Apologies for the rant but I’ve been in the dumps for a long time now and i needed an outlet. Hope everyone has a good day/month/year/life.

[likwuid]

This week is a tough one. My grandma will be passing away soon and its gonna take some time to get used to the changes.

[likwuid]

New stress added on me today. (insert meme) I cant hold all this stress. But sister is coming down with her baby  /my niece so cant wait for that.

[weavemama]

[likwuid]

Depression sucks

[likwuid]

Depression

No one likes it. But lately its been hitting me harder. Ex still pops into my head even after so long. I’m probably too lonely at my current state in my life. But even when it does hit I tough it out. But this last week hasn’t been my best. Sigh.. I really wish I didnt mess up everything a couple years ago. It’s so difficult to talk to new people. I was more than happy with what I had but I threw it away from with shitty jealousy. Losing the best thing in my life wasnt the best thing to do. I still miss her and i think about her everyday hoping that she is still safe and as happy as she can be. It hurts but I’m staying as positive as I can to keep moving forward and I want her to do the same. Keep your head up Savannah, you’re an amazing person with a lot to live for. Have a good one.

[theintrovertnation]

[psych2go]

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