Loss
These last couple years have been rather.. depressing. Ever since I left high school everything has gone downhill. I Lost all of my friends that I had in high school over the time of my relationship with my ex.. which also ended in disappointment. So just in that i lost some good friends and and amazing person that i wish i hadn’t. And i lost my ex because of just bullshit i could of done better with..but that’s how you learn. And later down the road I could of had a chance to meet up again with my ex and at least be friends again but at that time I had her on ignore on everything.. Skype..Phone..Steam so i wasn’t even able to at least get some happiness back into my life. So I messed up one of the best things I ever had and it just got worst over time with how shitty my mood has gotten. I’m way more depressed and anxious about things now adays and cant even talk to new people without having a mini panic attack. Looking back at everything I wish I was more out going for myself and for my ex. If I was more active and was just a general better person I think things would of went longer..but I’m not gonna say that it would still be going on even though I do wish I did have her somewhere in my life even if it was just a person on the side that I could just talk to about anything. My depression and anxiety has kept me away from so many opportunities that would of made my life better but I was too afraid to move forward and to make my life better. The depression also hit my grades in college pretty hard. When I was happy and with my ex my grades were constantly A’s in every class. But as soon as everything started to happen there was a instant change in my attitude and if you knew me back then you would very clearly see the lack of care that I have in my everyday life.I’m not saying that it is my ex’s fault at all. It’s more my fault on relying on someone to keep me happy and making it easier for me to do better. I should be able to keep myself going and moving forward no matter what is happening in my life. No matter how bad or how drastic I should keep my head high and push through everyday like the last while doing my best everyday. I will be starting school again soon so I will be able to start sorta new with it all so I’m hoping to keep everything good and to do my very best in everything for my classes. Then we come to this point in my life. I’m lazy and apathetic about most things. Everyday is just a routine.. nothing new ever happens. This was also something I needed to change when I was with my ex but I was never outgoing. Everyday i think of thinks i could be doing but from how i work now adays I throw it away and just say I couldn’t do it anyway or I’m not good enough to do it. This is something i need to fix in my head. I know I’m fully capable of doing so much more but I’m not putting myself in the place to do it. I’ve gotten to the point to where I’m not much in the mood of doing anything alone. Being with someone always makes it better. Overtime I’ve been bowling in leagues and tournaments in atleast my state.. almost national. But I’ve stopped doing that all together because I have no friends or anyone i know to go do it with me. Theres movies in the theaters i would love to see form time to time but I don’t go out because I don’t want to be alone. I’ve been alone for too long and its starting to get to me. It should empower me to get up and go do more things but I’m to scared. But I’m rambling.. Now ill talk about these last couple weeks. The last 2 weeks have been really hard. I found my grandmother attempting to walk around the house.. She was shaking really badly.. and after I found her and told her to sit down, she couldn’t walk at all afterwards. So we had to call the EMS to come get her and take her to the hospital. She spent maybe a week in the hospital and she got to the point that she couldn’t swallow food or drink without it getting into her lungs, which could cause pneumonia. And she refused to get a feeding tube which everyone in the family agreed was the best thing to do. So after that we brought her home with her on hospice. A week later, last Tuesday, she passed away. She passed away in her sleep so she went peacefully which i was thankful for. So the depression has gotten worst and just my willingness to care has gone a lot lower. I’m hoping ill be able to get over this hump quickly and actually get out and do things, lose some weight, and to push forward and to my make myself happy. Apologies for the rant but I’ve been in the dumps for a long time now and i needed an outlet. Hope everyone has a good day/month/year/life.
