where to begin. tale as old as time. boy meets girl, girl befriends boy - boy wants her for his own pleasure.
that’s pretty much how i’ve felt any guy has really ever seen me. fun to be around, great conversation, but never involves commitment.
now, DR could’ve been a seemingly good work friend. he was the “bad boy” at work - people didn’t really like his arrogant behavior, cockiness, or seemingly know-it-all attitude. these kinds of commentary were more than enough to stray me away from him --- for half a year at least.
cue the World Cup of 2018 - Peru made it to the World Cup FINALLY AFTER 36 YEARS! (great shit, remember when Dad and Fernando cried at the opening ceremony? yeah - awesome)
what i loved too about the WC was that at work, people just gathered around in the Idea Zone to watch every game that was on. I loved that - i felt like I was finally getting the chance to bond with people.
especially true with DR. we found an ease in conversation after months of awkward conversations - white guy stir fry, remember that one?
i started realizing, huh, he’s kind of a cutie - maybe since he let his cockiness/asshole demeanor down i started liking what i saw. fast forward a facebook request and quick/witty conversation, we went out to watch the World Cup Finale! France vs....Croatia? (who remembers i dont, but France won)
i remember thinking it was slightly awkward, but kind of fun at the same time - there was something about his attitude i really liked, it seemed familiar. then this hangout brought along more people to watch the game and it turned into hanging out at the Stamford beer garden on the sunniest Sunday by the water - just about the most perfect afternoon. I remember getting cozy next to him, chatting, playing connect four, and then just taking in the sun. i may have kissed him first that day.
what followed from that first kiss i wouldn’t have really seen coming - an INTENSE wave of emotion, declaration of “i really like you/i was hoping this would happen/come with me on the trip down the jersey show/you’re the hottest girl at work/i love x, y, and z about you”. it was so much to handle, but i stupidly succumbed myself to it all and spent the night. sure - he got up before 6am the next day to take me back to my car, bought my breakfast, but was it really worth it? i knew i couldn’t do that again and so i turned him down on the date he planned the next night.
fast forward past me being jealous and inviting him over my place the following week, going to see Lifehouse, then fast forward to him hooking up with our other coworker, discovering the fact they’d be seeing each other - him claiming he still wanted me - WHAT A FUCKIN MESS FIORELLA WHY DID YOU GO BACK TO ALL THIS>?!?!??!?!?
but i did, i thought that two months of us learning to be friends would be enough, i somehow started to trust when he said he really did like me and care - but does that really mean anything with guys these days?
look, i wanted to believe he wanted me, for more than just the obvious. i wanted to trust he saw something in me, but i never accepted the fact that i just wouldn’t see the same in him. i knew all along it’d never work (his family issues, my mom’s disapproval of him etc) but yeah i went along with it. i did things - granted very strongly suggested by him but ultimately i decided to - while also putting my foot down against other things. end of the day, it was a mistake.
the end came when my coworkers had been whispering that they thought he and i may have “something” going on - and though for a whole month it may have been true, i would’ve hated it if people really knew the truth about it all. i couldn’t bear it.
and i guess neither could he. of course he had all these career goals and ambition and an image for how his life would unfold - none of which involved me being by his side. so in an effort to protect me and not hurt me any further - he ended it.
And it was by far the biggest blessing. for so long i struggled to say no: to different situations in my life and especially with boys. i’ve known so many times would things would never work out but yet i would always wait for the guy to make that decision. it would never start with me giving the final say. until that weekend.
i read articles, how to say no, how to reject things that don’t improve my own well being and happiness. first step was saying no to Anna’s wedding - giving me back my holiday plans in jersey - but also, i decided no more would i let a guy dictate how i acted or let me be strung along his little game.
slowly but surely, i’ll learn to give the straight up “no, thank you”
blakekathryn
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